::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

12.30.2012

Consequences

We made it.  We survived our first Christmas.  I'm so glad to have that year behind me.  But, at the same time I'm so sad because I haven't kissed my baby for that long.  

This year by far has been the hardest year of my life.  I pray that I never have to go through anything like that again.  I pray that nobody has to go through anything like that again.  

I've learned a lot about people.  I've learned a lot of good and very important lessons that I'll never ever forget.  There are some pretty amazing people out there in this world.  People, some familiar and some not.  Their thoughtfulness never ends.  They are selfless and know that giving feels so much better than receiving.  They love you for who you are not what you are.  

Then there are a handful of other people, some very familiar and some not.  Some, I thought I could lean on & they let me fall, some I let my heart give a 2nd chance, and a 3rd.   I'm too broken to give them any more chances.  I can't afford it emotionally.  Do I cut them out of my life forever?, I asked my therapist during our last session.  I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you there will be consequences with either path you choose.  

Consequences.


I've had a hard time getting out of bed.  I can't decide if it's depression or if this is grieving, or if there is a difference between the two.  I'm really sad.  It's so hard and sometimes pressing forward feels next to impossible.  Sometimes laying in bed is all my aching joints and grieving/depression pain is all I can handle.  I'm no longer just happy for no reason.  It's a fight.  

I crave laughter.  I work really hard & just want to be happy.

Do you ever feel like you are walking on a tight rope?  Carefully placing one foot in front of the other, trying not to fall.  I always felt scared, unsure, and alone balancing on my tight rope; somedays the rope/wire would grow weaker & thinner than others.  It was a miracle I never fell, I would've fallen, I planned on it...until I met Ryan.  He grabbed hold of my hand and suddenly I felt more secure.  Gradually, I grew more comfortable walking on my wire & one day I realized I wasn't walking on a tight-rope at all, I was on solid ground.  Ryan taught me how, he loved me for who I was, not for what I was.  All the other tight-rope walkers wanted me to stay, & occasionally I would get drawn back in.  The familiarity of stumbling, mistrusting, and self-doubt felt like home.  I'd walk on my rope for a few days to please the others, trying to feel accepted, trying to make them see that I am worthy.  I feel so guilty leaving them, I'm not supposed to leave I will hurt their feelings.  Feelings, are not something I'm aloud on the wire, only them, for they are the victims.  On the wire most of the time I was on my own, one foot in front of the other...look at how independent I am, aren't you proud?  I was always pushing myself.  You are lazy and helpless, they'd laugh.  Perfection is what is expected on the wire.  Alone.  Pulling my own cart.  Feeling unloved.  I would have to walk that wire up hill with my eyes closed, just to get back to where I was, to get back to the progress I made.  To get back to love.



We had kids.  In the beginning, I thought I could expose them to the people walking on their thin wires but safely guide them and protect them from losing their balance.  They were born into more of a balance, on solid ground.  But, a few months before the accident I realized, if I can't keep my balance myself, as their Mother how would I expect them to.  What kind of example am I setting if I'm allowing myself to be treated in ways I'd never want my own children to be treated?  I want them to learn and grow to walk from unbelievable heights, blindfolded, but we will be there waiting like a net, when they fall.  We will love them and we won't hold them back. 

 Having kids was such a life changing experience for me in so many ways.  I found myself in them.  I became even more balanced.  Loosing Colum, has felt like tight-rope walking with only one leg at times.  Some people want me to fall.  Some people are waiting for me to slide back down hill back to them.  They wear friendly loving disguises, but shake their heads at my every move behind my back.  I'm weak.  I'm sad.  But, I'm refusing to join them.  I'll continue to stand tall on my one leg.  I may not be moving forward, but at least I can be proud to say I'm not sliding backward.  And I'm teaching my children what healthy relationships look like.  They will have to learn their own life lessons and some they will have to learn the hard way.... but they will feel Deserving, Loved, and Worthy while they do it.  

I'm standing on my tight-rope on one leg, holding an umbrella in one hand, weathering the storms of my dark cloud hovering over me.  

But still...

 Ryan is there holding my hand he's helping me more than ever now to find my way back to solid ground.



My balance equals my Children learning balance.  Whenever I doubt my decision or start to feel guilty I think of Finn and Colum.

Consequences.  


22 comments:

  1. I love the honesty you put forth in your blog. I really am glad to see a post from you post-Christmas. Although we are complete strangers, I have followed your blog since last Christmas. I can't event imagine how difficult this holiday season was for you. But you did it, you made it through and it is a new year and time for a new beginning. You can do it. My heart aches for you and all you and your family have gone through, but I know what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Here's to a much merrier year for you and family. You are an amazing writer and I can't wait to read your book you are writing. I will...you can count on that. Keep your chin up.

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  2. I'm proud of you. Anyone who wants to pull you backwards down your tight rope isn't worth your time. It saddens me some people don't see what I see; A beautiful, strong, inspirational, kind hearted and loving kelly. But that is their problem...and are facing their own kind of consequences.
    Keep your head up lady. You've got a beautiful family of boys standing behind you and keeping you going. Plus lots and lots of people like me cheering you on with each step you take, whether taken with one leg or two.
    I'm happy you've conquered the one year milestone and your boys were there for you. I'm wishing you much love and strength in your coming new year!

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  3. Follow your bliss. Your own bliss. Xoxo

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  4. Well said!I hope you had a nice Birthday:) Charlene

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  5. I personally don't think you need to be putting energy, that could be spent on your family and yourself, into one-sided relationships right now. I think personally tragedies really show you who your friends are. I am so glad you made it through Christmas. I hope there are good memories too. We need to go to Karve!

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  6. you are an amazing person...and believe it or not, i WISH i had 1/2 the strength that you do!!!! i think of you and your precious family daily...
    remember that...you are AMAZING....as is your husband and children!!!

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  7. Kelly....just gotta say i love reading your posts and im sure you have heard this several times but you really are such an amazing writer!! I have always thought that you and Ryan were one of the best couples together that i know...something about the two of you just seemed to fit!! I love that the two of you can lean on eachother!! I love you guys & miss the good ole days!!:)

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  8. I have been following your blog for some time now & I am so glad you have made it through, what must have been an horrendous year. If you can only cope with 10 or 15 minute increments of peace & joy then that's o.k. Let go of the people who bring negativity into your life & seek out the friends & family that cause you to smile. Embrace your loving husband & lovely son & I wish only the best for you as we enter 2013.



    Barbara (Canada)

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  9. Hello, A friend of mine just recommended your writings, as my family suffered a very similar car crash last month & lost our 4-year-old little girl. You know the anguish. I'm still reading your Anatomy of a Car Crash & appreciate that you've put the information out there. I've been struck by the car seat advice parents get in this country ... in our case (and all front or side impacts), rear-facing rather than front-facing would have likely resulted in a different, better outcome.

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    1. Oh, I'm so sorry! I just want to hug you. After our accident rear facing car seats suddenly seemed all the rage. Finn was in a fwd facing car seat (age 3) and barely got a scratch. We were also hit from behind so even if Colum were in a rear facing, the outcome could've been the same. What matters is your precious girl was in a carseat. I hope you aren't torturing yourself over the carseat thing... I've never heard of 4 year old rear facing car seats? If you need to ever write me an email please do so packx4 at yahoo.com. I feel for you and the beginning is the hardest! Sending love your way!

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  10. Kelly, I don't know you, but I am praying for you. I wish I could give you a big hug, make you a cup of tea, run a bubble bath for you , etc. I know any of these things would only really be a feeble attempt to ease some of the discouragement out there. Relish the love of your husband and cling to those in your life who know how amazing you are.

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  11. Kelly, I thought of you all often over the holidays. I picture you on that tightrope and standing in one place for a little while is almost as good as moving forward. Sometimes you just need to gather up the strength to take another step and as long as you're not going backwards, it's all (pretty) good. Stay strong, dear friend I've never met. I wish only lovely things for you, Ryan and Finn in 2013. Gail

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  12. These are the words of a really great mom. The love you feel for your children is almost tangible, and such a beautiful thing. You can do this.

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  13. YOU ARE AMAZING! Hold on Tight...Time heals. I didn't believe it my self, but it has been 4 years since my mom left me and life is better with time.

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  14. I pray for strength for and your family everyday. I was by my best friends side as she went through something tragic. It is indescribably painful. She lost her only child in a car accident along with of her 3 little friends. My friend was taking the 4 little ones to a Saturday Matinee. I am thankful that you have your husband and son to lean on. Lean on each other as much as you need to and for how ever long it takes. I am so glad that you have Finn And Ryan to hug, love and help you. Time Heals. I wish you Peace.

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  15. Life truly is a balacing act. I'm glad you have your Finn and your wonderful husband to help you navigate this thing we call life. I'm not really sure "time heals" but time provides the space between the something awful that happened and a new reality. Time allows you to get your heart and your head in the right place and the ability to find your new normal. Don't give up...EVER. Keep fighting for that life you dream of. Don't let the naysayers take your life and happiness away from you. After losing my husband, I thought I'd never be able to be happy again. But life surprised me....when I became a grandmother just a year and a half after my sweet husband passed away. I found that life can be joyful again and I cherish every minute I get to be with my little grandson. You are an amazing person who inspired me to be grateful for the small, simple things in life. May peace and love abide with you in plenty this new year.

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  16. You don’t know me, I’m another avid follower of your blog. I had a very long time friend. When I was raising my children I would often tell them, “a true friend is someone who makes you feel better about yourself – not someone who brings you down.” Back to my longtime friend – I realized this person was opposite of what I was trying to teach my children. This friend and I had been through so much together, yet I realized she was bringing out parts of me I didn’t like. She wasn’t a positive influence; she talked badly about me behind my back. I always felt judged, and it was as though she always had to “one-up” me. I want/need friends, not competitors. I quietly cut off all contact with this person about a year ago – now I wonder why it took me so long. So far I have no regrets. None. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally, you deserve nothing less. You are a wonderful kind hearted person with so much love and compassion. Make decisions that are good for you. Just maybe the consequences will be for the better. Much love to you and your family.

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  17. This life is a miracle, precious, and in my mind the only one I get. I want to surround myself with those I love and those who love me and treat me with dignity. Why waste this precious moment in time I get on those who bring me more grief than good! Easy to say, but sometimes hard to follow through on. Human nature is very complex, we want to forgive, we want to forget, we want to see the best in people and if your me, you want to be agreeable, you want to be loved and you don't want to be judged. I have successfully put people out of my life before and while in the moment it felt as though I was going against every single one of these things in my nature, in the end it turns out that it's easier to forgive, to forget (to a point) and to see the best in people from a distance where you don't have to be bombarded by there bad and negative behavior. I also realized I cannot always be agreeable and loved by everyone, people are going to judge me but I have to trust myself to know what is good for me and mine. That mindset never steers me wrong! Good for you Kelly. Anyone bringing you down is not worth your energy. Keep working, I know you will be happy again without having to try. Love ya!!!

    Heidi

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  18. So happy to hear about your upcoming book!! xoxo

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  19. You do not know me, but I have been reading your blog for the past 10 months or so, and I just want to say that your are a Fantastic writer and I think your book would be a great accomplishment for you and a great read for others! Keep up the good work!

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  20. I am not meaning to push any drugs--I do NOT work for a pharmaceutical company--but maybe an antidepressant would help. Obviously it would not take away your anguish and pain, but it might just take the edge off and help you cope with the really terrible hand you have been dealt. That is what I have found through my experience. Best wishes to you. I admire your strength.

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    1. I've shared that I'm actually taking Prozac and how it is helping me in previous posts. I completely agree with you, thank you :)

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