We made it. We survived our first Christmas. I'm so glad to have that year behind me. But, at the same time I'm so sad because I haven't kissed my baby for that long.
This year by far has been the hardest year of my life. I pray that I never have to go through anything like that again. I pray that nobody has to go through anything like that again.
I've learned a lot about people. I've learned a lot of good and very important lessons that I'll never ever forget. There are some pretty amazing people out there in this world. People, some familiar and some not. Their thoughtfulness never ends. They are selfless and know that giving feels so much better than receiving. They love you for who you are not what you are.
Then there are a handful of other people, some very familiar and some not. Some, I thought I could lean on & they let me fall, some I let my heart give a 2nd chance, and a 3rd. I'm too broken to give them any more chances. I can't afford it emotionally. Do I cut them out of my life forever?, I asked my therapist during our last session. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you there will be consequences with either path you choose.
I've had a hard time getting out of bed. I can't decide if it's depression or if this is grieving, or if there is a difference between the two. I'm really sad. It's so hard and sometimes pressing forward feels next to impossible. Sometimes laying in bed is all my aching joints and grieving/depression pain is all I can handle. I'm no longer just happy for no reason. It's a fight.
I crave laughter. I work really hard & just want to be happy.
Do you ever feel like you are walking on a tight rope? Carefully placing one foot in front of the other, trying not to fall. I always felt scared, unsure, and alone balancing on my tight rope; somedays the rope/wire would grow weaker & thinner than others. It was a miracle I never fell, I would've fallen, I planned on it...until I met Ryan. He grabbed hold of my hand and suddenly I felt more secure. Gradually, I grew more comfortable walking on my wire & one day I realized I wasn't walking on a tight-rope at all, I was on solid ground. Ryan taught me how, he loved me for who I was, not for what I was. All the other tight-rope walkers wanted me to stay, & occasionally I would get drawn back in. The familiarity of stumbling, mistrusting, and self-doubt felt like home. I'd walk on my rope for a few days to please the others, trying to feel accepted, trying to make them see that I am worthy. I feel so guilty leaving them, I'm not supposed to leave I will hurt their feelings. Feelings, are not something I'm aloud on the wire, only them, for they are the victims. On the wire most of the time I was on my own, one foot in front of the other...look at how independent I am, aren't you proud? I was always pushing myself. You are lazy and helpless, they'd laugh. Perfection is what is expected on the wire. Alone. Pulling my own cart. Feeling unloved. I would have to walk that wire up hill with my eyes closed, just to get back to where I was, to get back to the progress I made. To get back to love.
We had kids. In the beginning, I thought I could expose them to the people walking on their thin wires but safely guide them and protect them from losing their balance. They were born into more of a balance, on solid ground. But, a few months before the accident I realized, if I can't keep my balance myself, as their Mother how would I expect them to. What kind of example am I setting if I'm allowing myself to be treated in ways I'd never want my own children to be treated? I want them to learn and grow to walk from unbelievable heights, blindfolded, but we will be there waiting like a net, when they fall. We will love them and we won't hold them back.
I'm standing on my tight-rope on one leg, holding an umbrella in one hand, weathering the storms of my dark cloud hovering over me.
Ryan is there holding my hand he's helping me more than ever now to find my way back to solid ground.
My balance equals my Children learning balance. Whenever I doubt my decision or start to feel guilty I think of Finn and Colum.