::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



Last year's Christmas Eve started with a crash.  Ironically the crash began a sort of metaphor of how my life is. 

You know when you get in your car to drive somewhere and you arrive at your destination but you can't remember how you got there?  You drove safely.  You just can't remember doing it.  That's how a lot of my days feel.  

Somedays I get a flat tire.  Somedays my car won't start and all I need is a jump start.  A lot of days I run out of gas way too soon and I just have to parallel park in bed.   

Sometimes I know these roads, but somedays they change on me.  New speed-bumps telling me to slow down, potholes to watch out for, dead ends.   I carefully watch the speed limit and try to not follow some one too close.  

I turn up the radio and Finn and I dance and sing to our favorite song.  Or I listen to my 'sad' song playlist on repeat.  When driving alone I cry and sometimes I scream.  I talk to him and I tell him I'm sorry. 

There are days, and sometimes those days turn into weeks that this ol' car just won't start.  

But, I'm slowly starting to feel like I've got a new engine.

I'm in the clear.  I've got to be in the clear now.  That's what I keep telling myself.  That's what Ryan keeps telling himself.  But then yesterday we hit some major traffic.  We are okay.  I've got my new engine and my gas reserves are being carefully monitored.  At least I'm out of the house and back behind the wheel.  Ryan is confidently driving his car that on the outside looks fine except for the bumper being held on by duck tape and anchoring cables.  But if you look under the hood you don't know how it's possible that this car is running.  The engine is getting overworked and I'm afraid it's going to break down.  Again.  I want the engine to have some rest.  I want his engine to get oil changes once a week as well as new coolants and fluids. Get polished, be well taken care of.  I hate that his engine is running on it's last leg, instead of just going for a spin or a scenic drive.  

I'm treading carefully not to over do it on this new engine of mine.  The first few hundred miles you need to drive carefully.  I just don't want to break down.  

Yesterday I got an x-ray and I'm so happy to say that my reproductive organs are intact!  There still could be scar tissue that doesn't show up on x-rays from all the internal bleeding/injuries but at least my fallopian tubes are open...TMI?  I've been dealing with an old companion that's all too familiar.  Some of my old demons have been poking out their little heads. Infertility, it can get ugly.  It's hard on top of all the other hards.  But something inside of me is letting go of the obsessing.  I'm getting to a more if it happens it happens state.  I think it's because my brain has finally convinced my heart that as happy and exciting as it will be to have another baby, it won't bring back Colum.  If we are lucky to have more children they may even all be brunettes.  Don't get me wrong I love me some brunette, but there's something different about that blonde glow, the glow Colum had.  I miss his glow.  The fight between my brain and heart wasn't a shouting match, it wasn't an inside voice, not even a whisper.  My brain just recently started giving my heart 'that look'.  My heart would refuse to see.  My heart wants to be whole again.  My heart is very stubborn and difficult to convince sometimes.  My heart has been running the show.  But my heart is too broken and is finally allowing my brain to intervene.  

Yesterday, I opened a bill right before leaving for the fallopian tube x-ray.  We thought all the bills from the accident were mostly handled.  Our attorney did amazing things and the expenses from the facilitie(s) are wiped clean which is HUGE and we are forever grateful.  The bill I opened was for the Radiologists' that did CT scans, x-rays, etc from 12/24-01/03.  It's ironic that this bill came when we were on our way to get an x-ray.  It's still pending.  I called and spoke with some one and apparently there are several still pending.  I was there for 2 months.  This bill was just for me, on those dates.  What about all the other dates?  What about Ryan, Finn, and Colum?  I know I had at least 100 xrays, MRIs, CT scans.  I think I had 20-30 surgeries.  We had 3-6 teams of Doctors working with us at a given time.  Teams!  When can I expect those bills?  Apparently there is a lot more bills coming our way.  

When we've gotten blood work done since we were discharged our insurance isn't covering it.  Our hormones are both completely out of whack.  The statements all say our insurance is 'exhausted'.  Is our insurance going to be too exhausted to pay all of these other bills that are still pending?  

 Why are we hitting traffic almost a year later?  Was there a road block?  Before yesterday I believed our future would hold familiar routes with occasional detours.  
Our financial future is still pending.  It is under construction.

Warning: There may be bumpy roads ahead.  Watch out for falling rocks.

Dear Insurance, 
You say your exhausted.  How do you think we feel?  

Before yesterday, I was so excited to write about how much better I'm doing.  How well my new engine purrs.  I was excited to write about something positive.  I'm going to have to do an investigation, the kind that you don't want to do because the results could be hazardous to your mental health.  But, I'm not going to break down.  I may be stuck in traffic but I'm going to enjoy the music and the scenery.  This car may be beat up but there's still some fight left.  

Thank you for all your kind comments.  Thank you for reading.  Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers.  I truly don't think I could do this without you.  This is the best therapy for me.


  1. So so happy you are in your way to feeling much better!!! I'm sorry for those bills that are showing up.. Grr!! I think of you guys everyday!!! I'll be sending some serious "fertility vibes" your way!!! I know it WILL happen!!

  2. Ugh. It is so so so hard. Wish I could make it easier. LOVE and HUGS!

  3. You are an amazing woman whose writing is just incredible.

  4. Kelly, you story is heartbreaking. Your story moves me so much. Please email me at jen_m27@hotmail.com, I would like to help as much as I can financially, I know it wont be much, but I would like to try.

    1. Thank you so much. A very kind reader set up a fundraiser for us. Thank you so much for caring!


  5. You are an amazing writer, you have such a beautiful way with words! Sorry you have had to go down this path. I think of you when ever I hear Pink's song Beam me up (if you haven't heard it, it is such a beautiful song Pink wrote for a friend of hers who lost a child.) Although there are parts of your future that is uncertain I'm so happy you're healing and you're heading in a good direction.

  6. {HUGS} and Prayers...for you and your family...

  7. Kelly, I'm so pleased that your X-rays came up clear, your body continues to heal and surpass expectations. I'd say that's down to your strength of character and strong will.
    You are right of course, no baby will bring back precious Colum. But I hope every day that you get your rainbow baby to brighten your days a little more.
    I continue to be astounded by the medical insurance scandal that you're left with. I'm not completely clued up on how it all works in the US but surely your situation is an outrage by any standards.
    I hope you have clear roads ahead for the future Kelly.xx

  8. we are still here, we are still listening. I know that I am not the only one who wishes we were closer to you. you are going to make it and if you need help, we will be there for you.

  9. I love you Kelly! Hang in there lady. I am glad you are having more good days than bad. I'm rooting for you always!

  10. <3 Love reading and "watching" you heal. The road hasn't been/won't be easy, just remember the destination at hand.

  11. You continue to amaze me lady. My engine would have stalled out long ago. Continued prayers and positive thoughts for you all. Meg

  12. Hi! Kelly,
    Like some I do wish I could leave closer & give a hand on doing the little shores for you or simply giving you a hug... I do follow your story & eventhough things may not be the same ever I do think a little of faith, gives a little of hope, & a little of hope sometimes is just what we need to keep on going through the Road, Detours & Delays in our path, in our Destination... Keep celebrating the little victories the special moments with your family
    Receive a Big Hug from California

  13. Kelly, Thank you for being willing to let us all into your heart and to be able to see things at least a little bit from your eyes. The perspective you have given to so many of us is priceless and I hope we can all follow your example in not giving up with things get rough and love our own families more and more each day! And OH SO MANY other lessons your taught us. You are inspirational. I think of you guys very often as I look down at my wrist and see my blue band on daily. We made such a whirlwind trip to Utah for the pack reunion and all while dealing with our colicky baby I was so overwhelmed I am so sorry I never took the chance to come over and visit with you guys and introduce myself in person. I hope you will forgive me and give me another chance. I'm not sure if you guys will be around for my little bro's wedding, Regan, or even know about it yet on Dec. 1st. I still haven't seen the announcements either so wondering when they are coming?! But hope that if you are around you guys will join us. I believe it is in Lindon at a reception center (but I have no idea the name just yet, hopefully they'll get the invites out soon!! :) ). I think the wedding ceremony is earlier in the afternoon there and then there is a couple hour break and then the reception or something like that, but I think they are doing some sort of appetizers, etc in between if I remember correctly, since there is the time gap. Maybe my mom, Cindy Pack, has already told you guys about it, and you may even have a wedding annoucement before me for all I know. But I'd be happy to make sure to get to you details when I know if you don't have them already, in case my brother never gets around to mailing out invites. ;) Also, I am thinking very HAPPY HOPEFUL thoughts for you guys that you might get a wonderful Christmas present or early Christmas present with 2 pink lines. You are an AMAZING mother and any child would be SO BLESSED to have both of you as his/her parents!

  14. "Still pending....exhausted....." Really? You guys didn't cause the accident, that jerk did. How can an insurance company say that? I just don't understand! I'm sorry that you have to deal with this on going nonsense!! On the other hand, I'm happy to hear that your engine's starting to purr again! Still praying for that little miracle to happen!