You know when you get in your car to drive somewhere and you arrive at your destination but you can't remember how you got there? You drove safely. You just can't remember doing it. That's how a lot of my days feel.
Somedays I get a flat tire. Somedays my car won't start and all I need is a jump start. A lot of days I run out of gas way too soon and I just have to parallel park in bed.
Sometimes I know these roads, but somedays they change on me. New speed-bumps telling me to slow down, potholes to watch out for, dead ends. I carefully watch the speed limit and try to not follow some one too close.
I turn up the radio and Finn and I dance and sing to our favorite song. Or I listen to my 'sad' song playlist on repeat. When driving alone I cry and sometimes I scream. I talk to him and I tell him I'm sorry.
There are days, and sometimes those days turn into weeks that this ol' car just won't start.
But, I'm slowly starting to feel like I've got a new engine.
I'm in the clear. I've got to be in the clear now. That's what I keep telling myself. That's what Ryan keeps telling himself. But then yesterday we hit some major traffic. We are okay. I've got my new engine and my gas reserves are being carefully monitored. At least I'm out of the house and back behind the wheel. Ryan is confidently driving his car that on the outside looks fine except for the bumper being held on by duck tape and anchoring cables. But if you look under the hood you don't know how it's possible that this car is running. The engine is getting overworked and I'm afraid it's going to break down. Again. I want the engine to have some rest. I want his engine to get oil changes once a week as well as new coolants and fluids. Get polished, be well taken care of. I hate that his engine is running on it's last leg, instead of just going for a spin or a scenic drive.
I'm treading carefully not to over do it on this new engine of mine. The first few hundred miles you need to drive carefully. I just don't want to break down.
Yesterday I got an x-ray and I'm so happy to say that my reproductive organs are intact! There still could be scar tissue that doesn't show up on x-rays from all the internal bleeding/injuries but at least my fallopian tubes are open...TMI? I've been dealing with an old companion that's all too familiar. Some of my old demons have been poking out their little heads. Infertility, it can get ugly. It's hard on top of all the other hards. But something inside of me is letting go of the obsessing. I'm getting to a more if it happens it happens state. I think it's because my brain has finally convinced my heart that as happy and exciting as it will be to have another baby, it won't bring back Colum. If we are lucky to have more children they may even all be brunettes. Don't get me wrong I love me some brunette, but there's something different about that blonde glow, the glow Colum had. I miss his glow. The fight between my brain and heart wasn't a shouting match, it wasn't an inside voice, not even a whisper. My brain just recently started giving my heart 'that look'. My heart would refuse to see. My heart wants to be whole again. My heart is very stubborn and difficult to convince sometimes. My heart has been running the show. But my heart is too broken and is finally allowing my brain to intervene.
Yesterday, I opened a bill right before leaving for the fallopian tube x-ray. We thought all the bills from the accident were mostly handled. Our attorney did amazing things and the expenses from the facilitie(s) are wiped clean which is HUGE and we are forever grateful. The bill I opened was for the Radiologists' that did CT scans, x-rays, etc from 12/24-01/03. It's ironic that this bill came when we were on our way to get an x-ray. It's still pending. I called and spoke with some one and apparently there are several still pending. I was there for 2 months. This bill was just for me, on those dates. What about all the other dates? What about Ryan, Finn, and Colum? I know I had at least 100 xrays, MRIs, CT scans. I think I had 20-30 surgeries. We had 3-6 teams of Doctors working with us at a given time. Teams! When can I expect those bills? Apparently there is a lot more bills coming our way.
When we've gotten blood work done since we were discharged our insurance isn't covering it. Our hormones are both completely out of whack. The statements all say our insurance is 'exhausted'. Is our insurance going to be too exhausted to pay all of these other bills that are still pending?
Why are we hitting traffic almost a year later? Was there a road block? Before yesterday I believed our future would hold familiar routes with occasional detours.
Our financial future is still pending. It is under construction.
Warning: There may be bumpy roads ahead. Watch out for falling rocks.
You say your exhausted. How do you think we feel?
Before yesterday, I was so excited to write about how much better I'm doing. How well my new engine purrs. I was excited to write about something positive. I'm going to have to do an investigation, the kind that you don't want to do because the results could be hazardous to your mental health. But, I'm not going to break down. I may be stuck in traffic but I'm going to enjoy the music and the scenery. This car may be beat up but there's still some fight left.
Thank you for all your kind comments. Thank you for reading. Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers. I truly don't think I could do this without you. This is the best therapy for me.