::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

11.30.2012

Old flame


Slowly, the fires are being put out in my brain.  There are so many fires, so many that there is hardly any water left that sometimes there's not even a few drops to spare for any tears to fall.  

All it took was a spark for a new fire to start.  The mountains & trees were very vulnerable since they were so dry.  Raging fires that couldn't be contained for weeks.  I would become proud once I could finally accommodate 1 fire but, would soon lose control of another.  Containing all of these fires takes a lot of work.  Somedays the fires would get so bad that's all I could do.  

Fireworks were carelessly being lit off and people's cigarette butts weren't being put out.  I couldn't incorporate the new fires and keep track of all the old ones.  It was hopeless, until recently.  Recently I called in some Prozac reinforcements.  The reinforcements usually take 3-4 weeks to show up, but the smoke from my fires made the air so bad that people were complaining so the reinforcements were transported Star Trek style.  

Sometimes, I want to cry and I can't.  I laugh and I am shocked to hear that sound again.  Halloween was so hard.  I woke up so sad.  It took everything to get out of bed and go to Finn's Halloween parade.  I imagined Colum going with me in his lightning McQueen costume (or Buzz or Woody) and feeling so cool and being so excited while his big brother (Iron Man) waltzed by.  Finn would strut his stuff a little bit extra just so his baby brother could see how big and cool he was 'cause he was in Preschool.  Colum should've been there.

I thought for sure I would be better by the time we were supposed to go trick-or-treating....but I wasn't.  I didn't want to get out of bed and I didn't want to stop crying.  I didn't want to go without him.  I mean I go everywhere without him, I've been so strong haven't I?  I fight through the sadness and I go places without him.  I felt guilty because I wasn't able to show up for Finn, I wasn't being the Mom I wanted to be.  I couldn't.  I couldn't decorate for Halloween, I didn't want it to come.  I wanted to, Finn wanted to but I couldn't.  Luckily Ryan could.  

I was nervous to make any Thanksgiving plans.  What if I froze up like on Halloween?  What if the reinforcements decided to take the day off?!?  You can't predict what days are going to be hard and what days are going to be surprisingly easy.  Thanksgiving was a surprisingly easy day and we drank it in.  

Last week I got a strong desire to hang up Christmas lights outside of our house.  Finn was so excited and seeing his excitement feeds my soul.  Yesterday we put up our Christmas tree and I rather enjoyed it.  I'm actually excited for Christmas morning.  I'm feeling the exact opposite than I thought.  I thought I would hide from the world and shudder every time I saw a twinkling light or heard Christmas music in the grocery store.  But instead of feeling sad I'm feeling joy & I've found myself humming along.  I'm so excited to give Finn...to finally give him that magic of Christmas morning.  The one that I'm still grieving and honestly don't think I'll ever get over.  It breaks my heart that Santa couldn't find Finn or Colum last year at the hospital.  Finn got a tube up his nose for Christmas and another up his wiener (that's the classy term we use in our house for penis).  He had to be taken away from his family and never got to play with his brother again.  

Although, the future month is still unpredictable and there's always a possibility that an old fire will begin burning out of control, a brand new flame, a happy little friendly flame with a smiley face is burning right this second in my heart.  I'm coddling this little flame of mine.  I'm trying to baby it, embrace it, live in the present.  

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and drank up your time with your loved ones.  

Maybe it's the Prozac, maybe it's a Christmas miracle on 400 East Street.  But I know for sure that all your prayers, happy thoughts, and well wishes is most of it and I'm thankful... I'm oh so thankful!  

Thank you

Happy Holidays
Love,

The ::Packs::

21 comments:

  1. I look forward to your posts and am constantly cheering for you to make it through this one step at a time. I hope that little happy flame sticks around. Start telling yourself it will and that you are okay and your brain will start to believe you. (Advice that book I sent you) I don't know you but i hope I can still say....LOVE you!

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  2. I always read your posts more than once. You are a beautiful writer Kelly.
    I'm so happy you are working with a happy little friendly flame right now. I like to think its Colum giving you some relief from the sadness that Halloween stirred up.
    You guys are always in my thoughts, especially through this Holiday season.
    Much love to you guys!!

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  3. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you? You and I can stand side by side, squirting at our separate blazing fires with dollar store squirt guns.

    I am so glad you're feeling the holiday cheer right now. Love you! xo

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  4. Wow! Am I ever proud of you!! You have mustered up the fortitude to be able to enjoy the things that are happening around you that could potentially be so painful. You never cease to amaze. But, my dear, if you should have a setback and feel some sadness, please do not be hard on yourself, nor think that we aren't all proud of you. It is ok. You are loved. We all want to stand around you and hold you up. We would all make it go away if we could. But you are showing us strength that we could hardly imagine in ourselves.

    You are just a master of the metaphor, Kelly! I love coming here to feast my eyes and mind on some remarkable sharing of your soul.

    Love you so much! Thanks for sharing.

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  5. I cant tell you how happy I am to see this. I was thinking of you on Thanksgiving on our ride home and in fact told my Husband and girls of your story. Although I do not know you, you have been on my mind this holiday season. Many prayers going out to all of you.

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  6. I am so happy for you!!! I hope so much that Christmas will be a happy day for all of you (:

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  7. I have followed your blog since the day I have heard of your accident. My parent's live just a few houses down from yours, and I have been nothing but touched by your story. Your family is so amazing, and I am in awe of the strugglesyou as a family have overcome. I drove by your house the other day and smiled so big when I saw your lights up, and Finn outside running around. It was truly an amazing sight, and I was touched. I pray and think of you guys constantly, you are a beautiful reminder in my life of strength, and I appreciate you updating your blog, it's my favorite to catch up on such an incredible family!!!

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  8. I am glad to hear you are looking forward to the Christmas season, prozac be blessed.

    You are an amazing writer. Your posts just so eloquent..

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  9. More prayers coming your way! I wish the best holiday for you & your family.

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  10. This post makes my heart happy. I am glad you put up your tree and lights. Finn will appreciate it so much. I know that you will feel better as you make it special for him. I'm always praying for your family, especially at this time of year.

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  11. Glad to read/hear you're having an "up" period. I love reading your carefully thought out posts and look forward to knowing how you're healing. If you get a chance come watch my husbands light show across from PGHS Seminary. Finn may not know who Phineas & Ferb are quite yet, but we have 2 songs of their's that are pretty cute! Hopefully this month proves happy and you can find more closer & peace. <3

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  12. My Mama Heart breathed a sigh of relief for yours tonight, while reading this. I have been thinking of you. Wondering how Christmas was effecting you. I am so happy that your grief is allowing you to still see it through Finn's eyes. I asked you a long time ago if I could print Colum's picture for my fridge. You graciously said yes. My 2 year old blondie boy has been on the receiving end of so much additional patience and appreciation because of another blondie boy who smiles at us from the kitchen. Your love is spreading far and wide. You love him that much.

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  13. (I should add---we live in PA. Seriously, FAR AND WIDE!)

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  14. grief work is a roller coaster of a journey...you are doing just what you need to do to travel that journey...

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  15. I will pray for a Christmas miracle for you....that you will be able to enjoy the holidays and Finn will enjoy that magical day so he can laugh, play, and see the goodness in life. I can't imagine your pain (as you so eloquently describe it) but I hope that the good that comes your way will help heal you a little at a time. I compare grief to water...a rolling raging torrent heading down the mountain, then slowing as the channel widens and spreads out. Then it becomes a beautiful brook, refreshing and cool. I hope the "water" puts out your fire and you can feel the refreshing coolness, instead of hot burning flames. I pray your holidays will be filled with new memories that will bring joy and comfort to you and your family.

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  16. Reinforcements or not, I am so happy that you are having better days. My heart hurts for you often and I catch myself thinking about you, but you do not know me. I work with your husband and on the rare ocassion that I see him, I want to say "hi, how ya doin" but I catch myself and don't because I can't imagine why I would ask such a rediculous question. I usually just smile and nod. My prayers are with you this month (and every month, but this one especially). I am sure there will be a lot of people thinking about you this holiday season. More people than you could ever imagine. Bless you.

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  17. I'm so glad to see you feeling better. And so glad that Finn is going to get the Christmas that he deserves. That man that did this to your family can't control your holidays anymore! Praying for peace and happiness for your family from this day forward. I know your little Colum is looking down on you saying Yes mommy your feeling better! Love, from Colorado

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  18. I have been thinking about you as the holiday approaches and praying that you could enjoy it with your beautiful Finn. Your blog touches my soul and I feel for you and your struggles.
    I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have endured. Yet, here you are 1 year later and seem to have had a fire lit...a fire of security and peace.
    I hope you have a Christmas better than you imagined and that you feel your Colum close by in your hearts.

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  19. I have been thinking of you and your little family this month. You are all so strong and i think the world of you. Prayers, prayers and more prayers for you and yours.

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