::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



I'll never forget the time I saw those two pink lines when I'd finally gotten pregnant with Finn.  The first cycle of IVF didn't go so well.  They retrieved a significant amount of eggs but when they went to put the embryos in my uterine lining was freakishly thin.  I was told I'd probably never be able to get pregnant.  They implanted 2, that didn't stick and the rest were frozen.  I lied there and sobbed.  We went ahead and tried again with a frozen cycle.  My lining was fine.  5 embryos were frozen; 3 survived defrosting but only 2 were worth putting in.  

I cheated the morning of my 2nd blood test and took a pregnancy test from the dollar store.  That 2nd line didn't show at first and I remember I began to cry.  I remember crying out No, please not again... please let me be a Mom.  I looked down at the white stick again as the faint 2nd line began to appear.  It was 6am and one of the happiest moments of my life.  We were positive it was twins until the 7 week ultrasound and there on the monitor was just 1 gummy bear.  I'll never forget the silence on our drive home that day.  We both needed a moment to mourn the thought of having 1 instead of 2.  

Every waking moment was complete bliss.  Every time I got nauseous, every annoying pregnancy symptom that I'd dreamed about was finally happening.  He never kicked all night long, and always crossed his legs during ultrasounds.  I craved Coke and wasabi and everything bad.  On July 23, 2008 Finnegan Ryan Pack was born perfectly healthy.  

He was born a happy baby, slept through the night since he was 5 weeks old, and has such heart.  He would almost never wake up crying and his facial expressions would say Hello world, it's a new day.  He has a natural zest for life.  He's observant and complimentary.  His heart is so big, and he's got the most positive outlook on life.  He continues to amaze me with his euphoric charm.  Of course there are times when he can be a stinker but sometimes I can't help but ask myself how we were ever so lucky.  

He is a HUGE superhero fan and lovingly has deemed Hulk as the perfect heroine for Colum.  It's kinda stuck and I chuckle every time he says it.  Hulk is perfect for Colum for so many reasons, and Finn just knows.  Finn talks of his baby brother often and only thinks of positive memories.  Last week I met a friend for lunch/playdate and she had an 18 month old blonde boy, Declan that was also like a 'little tough guy'.  I watched Finn's eyes immediately gravitate towards him and not her other two who were just as deserving.  As we were leaving and saying our goodbyes Finn was patting Declan on the head happily saying We used to have one of you, we used to have one of you.  I could tell his big happy heart was shedding a little heart shaped tear for his blonde brother, as my eyes swelled up with tears from what coulda/shoulda been.  As I was pushing her stroller with her 8 week old in it Finn excitedly asked me if that was our new baby.  I know this dear sweet friend felt bad, and a lot of people do when they bring their littles around my broken heart.  But have no fear, because it fills me up with joy to see families and siblings enjoying each other because that is what Colum gave us with the short time we got to spend with him.

Finn with his monster jacket on last November.  We just parked and were going into Costco and he said he was just going to scare a couple people.  (Old Instagram pic...follow me Packx4)

Taking pics of the boys with my night vision camera.  The flash was so bright and Finn &Colum were laughing so hard.  In all the pics their eyes were closed from the flash.

There's just something so cute about little boy undies and little boy bums!  Just noticed Colum's little head in this old instagram pic.

Nightly wrestling match with Daddy and the boys.  Miss this so much.

I took a shower and when I came out this is what I found.  He knew it was naughty and he thought it was hilarious.

Rib City for lunch after Finn's Christmas program at his 1st preschool.  Colum was right there with us.

One of Colum's 9 month pictures.  We used this one for his obituary.  His smile was everything.  I love his eyelashes that curled up on the outer corners of his eyes.

Going around the block on his big boy bike.  One of our first times with out Colum.  Didn't comb his hair this day :)

Crappy cell phone pic of Finn and I on the lift at Snowbird late Summer/early Fall.  He's so handsome.
Finn, I love you so much.  I'm so proud to call you mine.  You've taught me so much and you made my dreams come true.  Thank you for being the best older brother that Colum could've ever had and thank you for keeping Mommy and Daddy from going to a very dark place.  We are so lucky!  Stay sweet.  

Love, Mom

***A very kind reader set up this fundraiser for our family and asked me to share it here on the blog.  I know times are hard.  We are so lucky that there are so many people that care.  So many beautiful gestures, so much generosity.  There's been a few people who've asked how they can help.  If you are interested click here.



  1. I understand the feeling of waiting every month for the line to turn pink and then the sadness when it doesn't. A lot of people don't get infertility because they have never experienced it. You always think you will get married and then have kids because that is usually what you do. I think though that when you have been through infertility it makes it that much sweeter when you do have one and you take more time to cherish them, as I am sure you have done with Finn, as well as Colum. I'm sure they are very lucky boys to have you as their mom. I think of my own kids when I see your pictures and it makes my heart hurt every time. It is so great that we can have pictures to hold on to more of our memories.

  2. Finn is adorable. I love his hair. And both your boys have beautiful smiles.

  3. Kelly, My heart breaks for you. I do want you to know that right now I have thought about you and your family everyday beings that the holidays are coming up. I pray that somehow you will find some type of peace for I do know how things like this can change them. I lost my sister 5 years ago on Dec. 29. I have had a hard time excepting it and it has taken 4 years for me to finally enjoy Christmas a bit more. I know that there is nothing that will ever replace the emptiness in your broken heart. Colum is and will always be yours, he is a beautiful little boy! And your Finn is so cute! What a great mom you are.
    Hugs to you

  4. Thank you for sharing your pics Kelly and thank you to the reader who set up this fundraiser!!!

  5. Love your last two posts. So proud you have made it this far, still full of grace, humor, and wit. Bless you, friend! xoxo

  6. Colum looks so much like Ryan in that 9-month photo. But my favorite of this bunch may be the naughty little bugger in the cereal. Hah! That's great that you snapped a photo. Sending love and cuddles your way!

  7. I love the pic of Colum with the cereal! My Ryan does stuff like that and is always playing with kitchen utensils too! I just noticed after reading this post that Finn & I share a birthday! ;)