::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Peace of mind

After we found out that the man that hit us didn't have insurance, I had a complete and udder mental breakdown in my hospital room on floor 6.  Our insurance called Ryan's cell phone and he happened to be visiting me in his wheel chair (I think) or we may have been still sharing a room.  I remember Candace one of my favorite PT's was present and I lost it.  Not because my beach house fantasy was gone but because I have been paying hospital bills since the day we got back from our honeymoon.

We got married on the beach in Hawaii and I was awake crying, hunched over in pain almost every single night from an excruciating pain in my upper stomach.  I thought they were ulcers and by the end of our romantic week I broke down & went to the ER where I remember they gave me some Pepto bismol and told me to see a Dr when I got home, and later sent the $3000 bill.  For a 20 (&23) year old who just bought their first house it was a ton of money.  Later, after I got home my Mom & I were driving around the night before our open house to get something and I had an attack.  I remember her looking at me and how much pain I was in and saying "Honey, this is definitely not ulcers, we are going to the ER".  I  found out it was gallstones and had it removed a few days later.   That was another $5-$10k.  So rather than spending our extra hard earned money on buying a new fancy car or an adventurous trip to Europe we set up a payment plan for our hospital bills.  

Due to other really shitty health problems, an egg retrieval for IVF, and 2 C-sections I had already had 9 surgeries total pre-accident.  Some of them we had no insurance at all.  So along with utilities, and cell phone bills we've just always paid the hospitals, Dr's, and Anesthesiologist's bills too.  Such is life.  In fact when I got home from the hospital I was greeted by some collections statements from the hospital bill payment plan that had been missed while I was away from when Colum was born.  Colum hadn't even been paid for yet by the time we lost him.  (Finn cost $8,000 + $15,000 for 2 IVFs and Colum cost $7,000 (this is all after insurance))  We are proud to say that we have paid ALL of this on our own.  Our parents don't give us money or pay car or house payments for us.  We just have to work our asses off and that's that.  Somehow, someway it always works out though. My Dad did pay $1200 for the frozen embryo transfer (that resulted in Finn) cause I had no idea when I showed up to do the thing that I had to pay more and our bank accounts were drained drier than a popcorn fart.

So when Ryan was informed on the phone that not only had we been screwed so badly that we couldn't even wipe our own asses and we were going to have the pleasure of having to be held responsible for ALL OF IT...

I took a trip to crazyland.  

More. Medical Bills. 
I completely freaked out.  How?  We were disabled.  We had lost our son.  Our hearts had been ripped out of our chests and now we were going to lose everything!  I kept asking myself how does this work?  How does this happen?  How come there are people who cheat the system and go on lavish vacations, have cleaning ladies, and yet are on food stamps, Welfare, and Medicaid?  

I stopped sleeping.  I was beyond stressed.  I was broken.  My baby.  Oh My Baby!  I literally could not even fathom that this was happening to us.  My sister knew somebody who knew somebody who was friends with the attorneys who did those commercials and she called them.  After she hung up the phone she got in the car & drove up to the Hospital and passionately laid out some options of how we could survive.  My parents called an acquaintance, an attorney who kindly talked to us on the phone and was also kindly, so willing to help us.  Our friend's sister was a paralegal and the attorney she worked for told her to give us his number and he'd offer free advice.  We were so grateful for all of this effort.  We weren't as hopeless anymore but something just wasn't there.  We had to make a choice about something we are/were clueless about.

An old friend, Heather contacted me on Facebook and asked if she could swing by and pay us a visit. I was very strict on visitors because I was so physically and emotionally ill the stimulation would make my already fast heart rate, beat faster, but it just felt right.  I've always LOVED her and she stayed for only a minute but pleaded with us to please call her brother (or let him call us I can't remember) and we agreed.  We set up a meeting with him.  By this time we shared a room on the rehab floor & I had made it back from therapy in time but Ryan was running late. Matt walked in and sat down after he introduced himself and just started to sob.  I remember Ryan wheeling in on his jazzy to join us and Matt was still sobbing during their introduction, and apologized for getting emotional. 

We discussed our situation and he asked if we would let him help us.  After our 1st meeting Ryan and I both knew he was the right fit for us.  We got that unmistakable feeling that's undeniable that told us 
we trust this man, He's our guy.  

Well this man has moved mountains and done miracles.  He's taken the impossible and made it possible.  He prevented us from having to claim bankruptcy, which on his first visit explained that it was a possibility.  Ryan, my hardworking husband shook his head at this and I was sick about all the lavish vacations we didn't charge on credit (totally sarcastic but kinda serious) and Matt settled Ryan & I's pride by explaining that if we had to do that it wasn't our fault.  Matt made us feel at ease with his quiet honesty.  His strategies didn't constantly involve the words "sue"; he didn't exude strong feelings to attack the bad guys, yet expressed a powerful desire of helping us the best he could.  He didn't make any promises but he delivered beyond our expectations.  Oh, and I believe the guy is a Harvard grad, so he's superb at what he does. Note: I think we had every right to sue but, it wasn't a realistic option for certain  and possibly even obvious reasons.  Also, we know nothing about suing and how one goes about suing.  I know very little about the justice system and politics because I've never had interest in such topics and they always seem to be frustrating and disappointing.

Because I am so disenchanted by those envelopes that kept coming (and are still coming) in the mail, I would just put them in a bucket.  I'm the lucky owner of many a buckets. I rarely opened one.  I. couldn't. open. one.  I would get overwhelmed just thinking of the numbers inside of them.   But it was okay because I knew Matt was fighting a lot of our battles and I thank him from the bottoms of our hearts also my nervous system thanks him from the little corner in my brain that still has some sanity left.

Thank you Parke Gordon!  Note: I wasn't paid or asked to write this.

And thank you again to every one that has helped us.  We have a lot of ongoing medical bills that are really expensive.  It's officially official that financially we are gonna be okay.  I can't tell you how nice it is to have that peace of mind.  My car payment that was passed due because I didn't pay it in December so I could buy my kids' Christmas presents, half of which never got opened and remain wrapped in my basement.  Ambulance bills, wheelchairs, walkers, physical therapy, Ryan's leg brace, lab work, co-payments, the bills from the 2 other hospitals, funeral, obituaries, hair pieces :)...... the list goes on and on.  I open them and I can pay them along with our other living expenses.  Thank You!


  1. Glad you found someone so good to help you. I can't imagine how many bills all of that must be. And how stressful. Hope you guys are doing ok being back home.

  2. Sometimes I just wish I could give you a gentle, quick hug. You have been thru so much and I know that everything will be ok. It just takes patience and that is not something that I want to have at times.

    You are such an example to me. My heart hurts and is happy for you when you hurt and are happy.

    Take care and I am happy that you have some peace of mind.


  3. I have been reading your blog and I think you and your husband are strong, great people. My heart breaks for you for all you have been through. After reading this post, I just had to make a comment. This may seem stupid and petty, but I wanted to let you know you made me laugh out loud. I have never, ever heard anyone in this world use the words "drier than a popcorn fart" except my dad. He passed away on 3/7/01, but I still miss him everyday. Thank you so much for making me laugh and bringing such a funny memory back to me. Sorry to bother you with this dumb little comment, but I wanted you to know that you made my day. God bless you and your little family. My name is Karen Larsen, but I am not sure how to post this except as "Anonymous". :-)

  4. So so so incredibly happy for you right now!!! Still thinking of and praying for you often!!!

  5. The small miracles in life are what make it worth living, sometimes. I am so glad you've got someone so wonderful on your side. *hug*

  6. I have cried for your family over the injustice and horror that you have suffered. To have to add financial stress to everything else is just so, so wrong. I am so happy that you don't have to worry about that aspect anymore and can work on healing. Take care and know that your family is in my heart and thoughts.

  7. I cannot even imagine the situation you found yourself in. To have lost your dear son, horrific injuries to you and your husband and then have to worry about paying medical bills on top of it?! It just seems very, very unfair.
    (As a Canadian who has never had to pay a medical bill in her life this makes me SO angry.)

    I am glad you have found Matt, he sounds like a very good man. Hugs to you all.

  8. That is fantastic news! So happy that there is some financial relief, I know that had to weigh heavily on you. I hope you can whittle down your buckets o' bills now and your stress load along with it. Thinking about you and yours often. Lots of love to you.


  9. I will never forget that day Kelly! My heart broke in many more pieces than I thought possible. I was also filled with so much hatred towards a man (I use that term very losely) I have never met. However, I am glad however that I was able to be there for you and Ryan. You are such an inspiration and I love you both so much. Keep your head up. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily Xoxo. Candice :)