|We went to visit Colum and some one anonymously decorated his headstone in a spooktacular way. Happy Halloween Colum! Love you McGoo.|
Our injuries were both severe. Ryan had broken his left hip and right Femur and my right Tibia and Fibia and left (compound) Femur were broken. The bottom half of our bodily injuries required very different rehabilitation. I remember shortly after joining Ryan in his room on the sixth ortho/trauma floor the Physical Therapists made him stand up. This was 4-5 days post accident. I remember trembling thinking I was next and preparing myself to fight them off because I knew my body wasn't going to be standing up any time soon. My attitude towards the therapists was nowhere near pleasant and I remember the next day one of them brought me some chocolate covered cinnamon bears because I must've mentioned them in my morphine induced state. My left Ulnar (forearm) and right hand was broken and nobody believed me during this time either. They were moving around my limbs that just had titanium rods, nuts, and screws surgically placed in them but my remaining fractures hadn't been addressed and the shear thought of the pain I was in makes my heart stop beating and for a second I re-live the terror and I can't breathe. Little did I know I wasn't going to be asked to stand up for well over a month. In fact the hospital beds are designed to adjust to a chair position and about a month or so after the accident this would be my first actual therapy. It sounds simple enough. Having a bed move into a chair I didn't even have to hold myself up. The nervousness in the Therapists voices as they talked about trying this huge first task didn't make sense to me. But I was soon to realize this as one of the hardest things I've ever done. I had what I know to be the best Physical Therapists in the world by my side and it took 3-4 of them to accomplish the task of me sitting up. I remember screaming as my legs began to feel the weight of gravity and it felt as though my bones were being pulled back apart as the screws were loosening their grip and the Therapists scrambled to grab hold of them after they began to barely dangle. I was immediately overcome by extreme dizziness and nausea. My bruised yet broken heart began working overtime trying to pump blood to my limbs that had been laying stagnant for weeks. I could feel the blood rushing from my head down to my toes. The beating of my heart pulsed in my temples and fingertips like that of a drum. It didn't feel like my body was my body anymore. My Therapists lovingly held me up. Each leg was assigned a Therapist for they were very heavy and to me it felt like each foot had a 1000 lb barbell attached. While the other scrambled to find buckets and empty garbage cans turned upside down to prop up my legs, pillows were strategically placed behind my calves, under my arms, head, shoulder, feet etc. This was hard. My Therapists believed in me, they cared about me, and they helped me more than I can ever put into words. I think I sat up for a whole minute before my bed was adjusted back to laying down position and I slept off the exhaustion of what a 6th month old baby can do. I believe that was the day I decided that I was going to always try my hardest to heal. I wasn't going to be a victim. I was going to force myself out of bed everyday instead of letting the depression and anger take over. I was going to be my best self for Finn and for Colum.
I've pushed myself harder than I ever have before and I'm proud of myself. I enjoy a little recognition from time to time but I don't fish for it. With Physical Therapy being so expensive the expense of Pilates now seemed like pennies. So I fulfilled my teenage dreams by going to a real Pilates studio after learning that it was great for people who've had injuries and was actually designed originally for the injured. A lot of times people are shocked to see how well we are doing. Sometimes people don't really understand just how far we've come and that's okay too. My excitement of my body being capable of doing anything outside of PT and Pilates at that overshadowed the negativity of how we were treated in the very beginning. On the first day I expressed to the owner/trainer my excitement to be there. What he gave me in response was basically a cold scowl. We were going 2-3x's per week and every day it became more and more evident that we weren't wanted. Ryan's enthusiasm quickly diminished and he stopped going. I was determined to try and make him like me. It was awkward. Over the past 5 weeks I could feel myself becoming more and more negative. All I could talk or think about was negative and I felt myself becoming difficult to be around me. My stress levels got higher not lower. I loved Pilates but every time I went I was feeling worse about myself. I tried different strategies: from flattery to just trying not to talk. I felt I wasn't allowed to speak and the other women were put on a pedestal and I in the corner. On Friday a woman walked in and I immediately noticed that she had runner's legs. There was another blonde woman there whom I'd never met before also. The runner lay on the reformer next to mine and I began talking to her. We talked about running. I asked her if she did races, and we talked about her son. I told her how I missed running. We talked some more about her and she said you'll start up running again eventually. I explained in 2 sentences what happened to us while remaining unemotional and started saying but worst of all we lost our 18 month, "KELLY, KELLY OVER HERE NOW..." he viciously screamed at me from mere feet away. I ignored him and finished saying, baby boy, "KELLY, OVER HERE NOW ON THE...." he commanded. I'd noticed that he didn't want us talking about the accident to anyone before and I rarely did. Once I literally saw him pacing and it looked like he was holding his breathe and his head might explode when Ryan was talking about something to some one. But it wasn't just when I talked about the accident, it seemed he didn't want me/us talking at all. I think the worst part about it all was that we were the only ones he treated this way. He was so kind and funny towards the other women. He'd compliment them and ask them about their weekend and families. This episode was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I was hurt. I was angry. Why was he constantly treating me like trash? Why would he treat somebody who was broken badly intentionally? I held my tears for the drive home. I crawled in bed and told Ryan what happened. I cried all day. I cried a lot yesterday. And I'm crying right now.
I will never know why he had problems with us. Later that day I called him crying and I asked him. He claimed he didn't realize he was treating me poorly but said he did realize it today. The sad thing is that day wasn't the worst day of poor treatment, it was average, but I let him see that I was upset. He said the other woman that was there that I hadn't spoken to had recently lost a son & he heard me talking and he knew I would mention I'd lost my son. He said he thought that woman would run out the door crying. I'll never understand his reasoning behind that. I would think it could've possibly been healing for two Moms mourning for their sons to have been able to relate. I told him that his reasoning was even more hurtful to me because my emotions didn't matter to him at all, yet this poor woman's son takes precedence over mine. He also wanted me to remind him to be nice to me in the future when he was mistreating me. I signed up for a new type of class at a different studio that night for the next morning and forced my sad self to drag my tired aching body to go. They were nice to me. I was treated the way a customer should be treated & on the drive home I had an ah-hah moment. Here I was trying to eliminate as much stress as possible from my life and I was allowing myself to be treated like a 3rd class citizen. I'd been upset because I really really wanted to go to Pilates and that's the only reason I kept going. My drive to heal my physical self was effecting my emotional and spiritual self. It was causing more damage than good. I felt all the negativity lift off my shoulders with this new realization. That's it! In order for me to eliminate stress I needed to eliminate negative people and things from my life. I need to focus on the Positive. I've been really negative ever since I started going to Pilates. My stress levels have been much higher. As I was washing my hair in the shower something sorta clicked and I decided that I needed to make a change. I don't wish any bad or hate on this man. I think there's a lot I don't know about him and I hope whatever it was that caused him to treat us like that for no reason will get resolved. Being put in our position is hard and lonely. I try hard to be conscious to not make others feel uncomfortable as best as I can. But it's clear I can't please everybody's comfort levels and I shouldn't have to.
It blows me away how hard it is to take really good care of yourself. I'm renewing that commitment and I'm going to strive to be more positive. I want to be pregnant more than anything. I work so hard to get strong, to be healthy so I can see those two pink lines on a white stick again. I know if I'm stressed out and internalizing negativity it will prevent that from happening. I can't stop the sadness, it follows me wherever I go. But, it's okay if I'm proud of how far I've come. I can talk about it if I want to. I've earned it. Most days I still don't want to get out of bed but I do. In 2 months it will be Christmas time. When you're trying to get pregnant there's a fine line between obsessing and just letting it happen. All I want is to be pregnant. Being pregnant by Christmas would be a miracle and would really help soften the blow. I hope I see 2 pink lines before then but if not I will keep fighting off the demons, while learning life's lessons to build character. But I'm ready, I'm oh so ready!
|Drinking his milk last October at the corn maze. He lived in jammies.|
|This is me after I ran my first half marathon 'The Halloween Half' last year.|
|Last Halloween's (instagram) family picture.|
|Just happy Finn would sit on my lap. I would make Ryan drive his jazzy slower than me so Finn would be interested in sitting on my lap. Remember how he hated me. He felt I abandoned him and it broke my heart.|
|The first day I could brush and braid my own hair. It felt amazing to have that independence back.|
|Last summer at our softball games. There was a girl named Marteen who loved taking pictures of my kids but especially Colum. I'm so grateful she did! I love all of them and this is one of my favorites.|
|Finn was honored as Junior Grand Marshal this year for our city. He rode on his own float and everything. It was such an honor and I still need to blog about it.|
|Butternut Squash and Turnip soup. Colum loved this soup. We are now calling this Colum soup in his honor at our house.|
|Last Sunday just the 3 of us went on the most beautiful hike. We all felt Colum close that day. We talked about him and laughed at the thought of him stumbling around along with us.|