I really want to say thank you to everybody for your comments. I honestly didn't realize that I was being too hard on myself and it's all still new. Thank you thank you thank you! All of your thoughts and prayers are helping. I wish I could personally thank all of you. It was a huge eye opener. Our therapist basically said the same thing. It was our first visit and he summed up my life in a couple sentences. He explained that our Dr's said we would be at a certain point in an x amount of time and we beat it. We think we can do what we used to, but we can't. He literally said our minds are not the same and used the words too much multiple times! Our anxiety is our body's way of trying to help us to slow down. We feel like we are failures because we are struggling to juggle how we used to be, yet have so much more on our plates physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I just sat there nodding my head. This helped verify the constant feeling I have of being anxiously overwhelmed. He works with patients who have been through trauma and has worked in a trauma environment for a long time, so he fully understands us! He even said the best thing for us to do is be together alone as a family. Yes, this is exactly when I do feel safe, secure, and calm most! I know my previous therapist was excellent in a lot of areas, but I wasn't being told my emotions were normal... I never felt assured that I would overcome a lot of my difficulties. I needed feedback and direction. I need more than losing a child is one of the hardest thing any one has to go through... I already know that. During my last appointment I didn't talk about what I planned on talking about, I was asked about the trial. This got me very riled up, even though it's usually the furthest thing from my mind. Then she busted out breathing exercises printed out on paper and instructed me on how to perform them. Next she asked me where my imaginal happy place was, "maybe the beach?" she asked I respectfully just nodded. She asked what my happy place smelled like, tasted like etc, as she wrote them down on a paper stapled to the useless breathing drills. At first I ignored her questions as I uncontrollably sobbed. I had already been crying but this upset me furthermore. Hoping that she would somehow get the impression that this made me feel aggravated, that my feelings were unjustified and she would stop with this ridiculous nonsense. No feedback but breathing exercises and going to my happy place was this really happening? I paid my $50 copay, put on a bra, and didn't cook dinner for this? Maybe she wanted to fill the rest of my time because she knew she couldn't help me, I'm a different complication than what she normally works with. I wanted to take the papers and rip them into a million little pieces and throw them far away. I'm no where near the point of breathing exercises being beneficial. I don't even have the patience for yoga. "My bed is my happy place", I told her. "It's where my legs don't hurt". Please know that I know that these exercises really can be beneficial. But I feel it really won't compliment my issues right now and perhaps I'm a few years out.
I canceled all of my future appointments and tried to look at the bright side of all the money I'd save. Ryan went to some one there also, his first time with a therapist ever. Apparently they bust out breathing exercises on your first appointment sometimes. He never wanted to go to therapy again because that was the wrong approach for him also. My friend explained that sometimes it takes trying dozens of therapists before you find the right fit. At least my therapist didn't do that to me on our first visit. She really did help me with the immediate problem I had and it was very close locally and I'm very grateful for that. I'm thankful because I know no one could have helped me more at the time like she did.
Remember this post? A few days before I wrote that post it was a normal day. I was getting used to my new routine with only my 1 precious child. I was doing okay. Ryan went back to work in May. His job has always meant very long hours. The first week wasn't bad, but every week seemed to get longer and longer. His company has been so great to us! We have felt so lucky and are so grateful for them. But Ryan's sense of work ethic is off the charts. He always gives 110%. I'm sure he could've left others hanging and worked less hours but it goes against his character. I would secretly cry because I could see the exhaustion in his eyes everyday when he came home and it broke my heart in two. He was trying to be strong, too strong. He was trying to show the company how grateful we were and he was trying to be strong for Finn and I. He talked himself into thinking he could do what he used to do. He's the main provider. He never complained and would come home and do his best to mow the lawn and take care of his beloved garden. I was constantly racking my brain to find a way to make extra money and help take some of the weight off of his shoulders. Maybe I could start writing a book even though I was nowhere near ready. But how does one go about writing a book?
He called me when he was almost there and told me he'd been throwing up the whole way there (Park City). He was bawling harder than I'd ever heard him do before. I begged him to just come home. He said his truck looked like a crazy person's been in there and that there were papers scattered everywhere. He would write stuff down and shortly lose track of where he put it. I understood this exactly because this is similar to how I felt. It was too much. Everything. He spoke with 2 of his bosses who were so kind and understanding. He felt helpless. He felt incompetent about doing his job that he'd basically been doing for 13 years. "We are different now I told him. I don't understand it either". He cried hard the majority of the day and finally made it home at 6:30pm. He had a break down. His first. It was one of the saddest thing I've ever seen. Ryan is my rock. And I love him with everything I have. I'm so grateful I didn't lose him. I've always known how lucky I was to be married to such a kind and patient person. He's everything I'm not. He hasn't been working since. That's why he went to his first therapist, and why I'm so grateful that we found one that's a good fit who can help us. He got on a new medication, we have been doing the yeast cleanse, and spending time together. He tried to go back to work on Tuesday but woke up and got sick with anxiety again. Our new therapist explained that after going through what we've gone through jumping back into our old routine is like throwing a 1st grader into High School. We have to gradually get back into it. If we push ourselves too far it will only set us back more and make it harder to get back to where we used to be. The relief of hearing our new therapist explaining the why's is priceless.
Of course there's a problem with having to gradually get back to work... bills. They've kept Ryan on the payroll, but we know they can't forever. I don't know what people like us do. I don't know how long it will take us to gradually be able to get back to do what we used to accomplish and how in the heck his company can financially accommodate us in this process. But I do know I will do everything in my power to not try and rush it. I've looked into disability and found it to be disappointing; and the process is very complicated.
Sometimes I wonder how our lives would be if the accident had never happened. Would I still be baby hungry? I'd probably have a few more races under my belt. What games would the boys love to play together. The sound of their laughter and bare feet echoing through our home. Colum would be talking, I wonder what his voice would sound like. How much thicker his hair would be, how much bigger he'd be now, how many freckles and moles would he have? I would still have thick long hair, I really miss having hair. Would he be swimming as good as Finn trying to keep up with his big brother. Finn would never have to experience being lonely and our hearts would still be whole. Would we appreciate what we had, I like to think we would.
"If I fake it, then I don't have it"...sorry just had to throw in one more quote from Bob :)