::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.



Thank you so much for all your kind comments.  I'm really sorry, I really didn't mean to make people worried.  I already felt I was trying to wear too many hats and it's really hard to explain how overwhelming this whole experience is....it seems more and more hats keep getting piled on.  Just when you think you've gotten used to wearing a new hat all the time something from somewhere adds another hat that just doesn't fit, and maybe a pair of heels that are too big and too tall for you to walk in that have to worn with certain hats.  Before you know it you are sitting on the ground crying surrounded by a bunch of hats and you wonder how you are ever going to get the hang of bearing the weight, managing the stress, and sadness these new hats bring with them.  I wish there was a 10 page book written about exactly how to go about this exact experience, but there's not.  

A few days ago Finn started singing an old familiar song "eh, eh, eh,....".  The tune wasn't exactly right on but I recognized the song he was trying to sing.  There was a Barney that Colum and Finn would watch on Netflix (I believe it's the Halloween one).  I remember the first time this particular song came on and Colum was the first to start singing along, "eh, eh, eh...", he was in his highchair and was kicking his legs with the rhythm (and that boy had rhythm!).  He had the biggest smile on his face and it was the first song I ever heard him sing.  It's the one that goes, "If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be.  Standing outside with your mouth opened wide, eh, eh, eh, eh....".  For a few weeks after that, I would sing the first part and the boys would together sing, "eh, eh, eh...", it would make me melt and I was so proud.  I had completely forgotten about it until Finn started singing it the other day.  I think he must've sang it in Preschool and it sparked his memory and he came home and knew it would spark mine also.  The radio in our car (the one that got totaled) stopped working months before the accident and so there were a few songs we would sing.  Colum would always kick his legs in his carseat or bounce up and down if we were at home.  He had just started turning in circles when he died.  Those circles were the most precious things I've ever seen.  It would take him about 2 minutes to do a full circle, he'd sorta rock back and forth over and over while looking at the ceiling.  I remember the first time we spotted him doing one he had that proud, sneaky grin on his happy little face as he danced.  It was adorable and all his own.  He was not meant to leave us so soon.  I've cried a hundred times just about these two memories alone.

Ryan is also struggling with wearing all these new hats.  We are different now.  There are things that are different now physically and it's frustrating being so young yet having to deal with limitations.  Emotionally we are broken.  Mentally we aren't quite ourselves and I think having all of these at the same time is too much.  But everyday we hope to heal and get better.  Just still trying to find and understand our new normal.  We were told one thing and then just told something completely opposite last week regarding the trial.  Apparently "we misunderstood".  It's disturbing and we just want justice.  That's all I can say about it for now.  But, I will say the timing couldn't have been worse while adding a lot of hopelessness to the mix.  Fingers crossed that my silence goes in favor of our case... (long sigh) fingers crossed.

Ryan and I went for an overnight getaway last weekend.  Finn stayed at Aunt Bobbi's and we went to a nearby mountain resort.  It was so nice to be together, relax, and talk.  We had a really nice and much needed break.  It was beautiful and there was great live music playing.  I hope that we can squeeze in a few more fun things before Summer ends.  Around 9pm we went downstairs and sat in the hot tub and there were a lot of families still swimming in the pool.  First we starting missing Finn.  Hearing the laughter and splashes of the other families I started to get that familiar, sad feeling I get a lot these days.  I couldn't quite nail it on the head until that night exactly why being around strangers with their families makes me so deeply sad.  Those families still have that carefree life.  Sure, there is chaos and difficult times but they aren't carrying around this unbearable sadness with them all the time.  They are how we used to be and I long to be free of these new chains of pain and misery.  I envy them, because I know I will never get to be that way again.  I will carry these chains until the day I die.  I will learn how to manage all my new hats.  Which ones will stay, some will disappear un-noticed but these chains will always remain.  And it is terrifying.

On a more positive note my hair is growing back!  I wear it in a bun everyday and I don't think anyone would guess I've lost 85-90% of my hair.  Some of it is 3 inches long, most of it is either about 1.5 inches or at buzz length.  I'm so happy because these short hairs hide my scalp from showing through.  Not sure yet if I'm just going to cut it really short once more is grown out but for now I'm just gonna let it be.   Also, the gluten-free diet is going great.  It really hasn't been hard to do so far and I can feel a huge difference because I don't get blood sugar lows everyday.  We are also starting a cleanse today called a yeast beaters cleanse.  If you can't tell we are in the depths of despair lately and are suffering from major anxiety.  We were on major antibiotics in the hospital which can really mess up your system.  I take a lot of Tylenol PM and still have a ton of trouble sleeping and it is gradually getting worse.  I was told by a Dr after I had Colum, ( I had postpartum anxiety and OCD (yes, it's not just depression)) that 90% of your seratonin levels are created in your guts not in your brain.  Anti-depressants work on your brain.  He put me on a regimen to heal my guts and over a few weeks I was cured (I had been on Lexapro for 6 weeks and literally should have been committed).  This cleanse is very similar to that regimen and I know it will help us a great deal.  It's all natural and kills off the overgrowth of yeast in your body which basically causes all sorts of problems.  I will post more info about this and what I think of this method if anybody is interested in a few weeks.  I'm excited and crossing my fingers it helps improve our joint pain and brighten our moods.  Have a great week!


  1. I have a blog where I try out different gluten free recipes and give my opinion of different gluten free products. It is www.cheapceliac.blogspot.com and it is cheap celiac on Facebook. I have celiac disease so I have to be strictly gluten free and have been doing this for almost a year.

    1. And.....Good Luck on the gluten free diet. I hope you start to feel better. I love reading your blog and check daily for updates.

  2. I'm so sorry. I hope these new diets work. My mom swears by the yeast cleanses. So happy about your hair!

  3. I'd love to hear more about the cleanses. I've been on Lexapro for awhile. While it's helped, I'd prefer something more natural.

    I can relate on so many levels about your date night. Whenever Jeff and I go out, we can only think of the kids. And there is something lonely about looking around you, and seeing such "normal people" that don't know about your pain.

    Thinking of you as always xo

  4. When I read Barney and "eh, eh, eh".... I knew exactly what song you were talking about (I started singing it)!!!!!! LMAO... I'm a dork! (I just had to step away from my computer to actually work and as I was working, I was singing this song!!)
    My stomach is in knots just thinking about that A$$ H@le...JUSTICE NEEDS TO BE SERVED for Colum, you, Ryan, and Finn!
    I'm so happy to hear that you and Ryan got to get away and I too am interested in in info on the cleansing.
    You have a great week too!

  5. Very excited about your hair. We should go try on short wigs just to see. And maybe get you a hat rack so you can hang some up when you need a break. Love you!

  6. last summer my cousin's husband was in an accident, he was hit by a person distracted by texting, he passed away They have 4 children together ranging from 7 to only 5 weeks old at the time of his death, my sweet cousin was lost, she was devistated and had not a clue where to start when it came to consoling her heartbroken children. I think she had an absolutely amazing idea, she instaled a mailbox in some concrete next to his headstone, on the side it reads "notes to daddy", when the kids make something at school they want their daddy to see they "mail" it to heaven for him to see, or if they want to talk to him they "mail" him a letter. It is very thraputic for the kids I think.she also invited his friends and coworkers to get in on it and write letters to him. Every so often my cousin takes all of the contents of the mailbox and puts them in a hope chest so when the kids are older they will have memories of their dad!
    I thought of that mailbox tonight when I read your post, maybe Finn would enjoy a mailbox so he could write, or draw pictures, of memories with his little brother, and you would have thoes sweet keepsakes to show him when he is older. And I'm sure Colum would enjoy a letter or two from Momma and Daddy too!

  7. I don't know what to say that would even bring you comfort right now Kelly. Just know that I love your little family, pray for your little family every day, and hope for the day when your hearts and bodies feel better. <3

  8. My sister lost two of her children, and their grandfather in a drunk driving accident (ok, I believe they are never accidents when it come to drunk/drug driving. It is premeditated murder in my opinion) many years ago. One of them was a twin. She and her husband felt much the same as you and your husband do about happiness, minus the injuries to themselves, for quit some time. But I promise you it gets better. Of course they miss their children but they are sooooo grateful for the one that survived and have had another. They have learned to cherish every moment they have with the ones they have here now and love the memories of the ones they lost. Their religion plays some into knowing they will see the two that passed away again, but I can say THEY ARE VERY HAPPY. It will come to you with time. Hold on to that knowledge in the sad moments. Always remember YOU WILL BE HAPPY 99.9% of the time again. (on another note she said she would love to contact you at a later time. She feels strongly that families in your situation do not need other to tell them they know how they feel this soon, because NO ONE can know how it feels to you to loose a child) I just wanted to share so you KNOW it will get better with time. May God bless your family daily and comfort you always.

  9. "I long to be free of these chains of pain and misery" - you've expressed this in a way that I'm sure is so accurate to what your life must be like right now, It must be so SO exhausting. There's so many variables going on that there's no break for you , for eg i'm guessing that say even if you having a moment free from physical pain, then you get sickening news about the trial, or say you get positive news about the trial, then you experience an overwhelming loss feeling about your Colum (even though that's ever present). I really hope this regime helps you and Ryan and provides some strength within you - you really do deserve some light through this heavy time.

  10. I'm so glad I read this about the cleanse and serotonin levels in your gut. I have always felt like my panic attacks are triggered by the way my intestines are feeling, but I could never explain it well to a doctor without them wanting to put me on anti-depressants. This makes so much sense. I kept telling my doctor that I don't want to be put on anti-depressants for so many reasons--and this just confirms what I was thinking and feeling. Thanks for sharing about this and the postpartum anxiety--which exactly describes those periods of my life as well!

  11. I just wanted to tell you that you are such an inspiration to me. I was paralyzed in a car accident 12 years ago and I still find myself angry and upset at my life situation now and wonder some days how I can make it through the next. I have much to be thankful for, but feel that my anger gets in the way. I frequently visit your blog and cry thinking how ungrateful I am and that I need to see the positive in things the way you do! I too can't race my children to the front door either(and any places where my wheelchair can't fit!) but we have found other things that we can do and though it has taken me a very long time I think of your son and find that I value the little things much more. I am so sorry for your loss and I know it can get very difficult to find the strength and energy to get through days. I laugh at the honesty in your last post about wiping your own ass...that too was/is one of the most humbling thing about my new life situation and I don't think that many people can understand or relate to that unless they have lived through it. I often think about what I might leave as a comment for you on your blog, something to lift your spirits or make you smile-but I am afraid that I am not as eloquent of a writer as you. Stay positive and remember to smile often, and thank you for sharing and inspiring me to be a better mom, wife and person. :)

    1. Thank you for writing this. Your writing is as eloquent as any other. This made Ryan and I both tear up. I have no idea how but am so glad I inspire you. Comments like yours help us. I think it would be very difficult to be a Mom who has to be in a wheelchair, bless your heart. My short time in a wheelchair opened my eyes to so much. Be grateful, but you deserve your moments of anger too. You inspire me and I'm sure many others!

  12. Kelli I wish I could help you. My husband miah is buds with ryan.. I cannot in anyway relate to what you've gone through but my biggest fear after having five miscarriages , is what happens if I loose one of my miracles. Youve taught me that life will go on and it will be ok sometimes. Bause of you I want to be a better wife and mother. I hold them to much and they deserve more .love them and play but let them go so they can grow. Thanks for sharing your story of every single parents nightmare.I know now I can't stop certain things but will make sure to get my life in order so my kids know I love them..how Column new you loved him an Finn both. There is great strength in that knowledge. I love you for helping me see that I can take my kids out of the bubble and love them. That's what you did for me! I am forever grateful hope this makes any sense
    Amber murie

  13. As I was reading a friend's blog she shared a poem her own mother had written about losing a baby son too soon. She shared a poem I thought you would understand and maybe be consoled by.


    My little one,
    The cool gray mist is bringing in the evening,,
    Filling the air with the rhythm of quietness,
    Gently steals over
    The garden,
    The small yellow roses
    Beseechingly to the sound of the wind.

    Little one, love of my heart.
    You sleep early;
    Too willingly are you quiet;
    Your small murmurings
    Sound in my heart like the broken music
    Of a small silver brook
    In the summer.

    Baby, I remember how your small warm hand
    Clutched my fingers.
    Do you remember the kisses I gave you,
    Kisses that were small words in the language of my heart?
    Baby, you were warm.
    Where are you?
    I want to touch you.
    How can I live if I cannot touch you?

    The darkness is soft, tonight,
    Like a blanket.
    You had warm blankets, baby;
    They are piled in the bedroom,
    So neatly folded.
    I was always glad when you slept well,
    Little one.
    Under the soft coverings.
    Now you have a covering that is even softer
    Than the blanket
    That you liked to hold against your cheek,
    Now you have rest deeper than any you ever had.
    I love you, my baby, I love you . . .
    O, I am glad that you sleep well.


    My friend's mother wrote this after her 2 year old drowned. She found this poem while going through her mother's things. May your sweet Colum also be sleeping well.

  14. Kelly- I pray often for you and your family, for peace, strength both physically and emotionally, and I also pray deeply that Colum visits you, Ryan and Finn often in your dreams.
    I have asked God to open your heart, allowing you to seek him for guidance and strength in your journey.
    when i read most of your posts, i get this vision in my head that you are a lost ship out at sea at night, in complete darkness. and I just want to turn your ship around to see the light shining on the shore.that light being Jesus to help guide you.
    I am a new christian, and I try not to sound "holy roller" but there really isn't any other way to help bring you out of darkness.
    deepest heartfelt blessings for you and yours.
    Erin D'Achino
    Baltimore, MD