A few days ago Finn started singing an old familiar song "eh, eh, eh,....". The tune wasn't exactly right on but I recognized the song he was trying to sing. There was a Barney that Colum and Finn would watch on Netflix (I believe it's the Halloween one). I remember the first time this particular song came on and Colum was the first to start singing along, "eh, eh, eh...", he was in his highchair and was kicking his legs with the rhythm (and that boy had rhythm!). He had the biggest smile on his face and it was the first song I ever heard him sing. It's the one that goes, "If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops, oh what a rain that would be. Standing outside with your mouth opened wide, eh, eh, eh, eh....". For a few weeks after that, I would sing the first part and the boys would together sing, "eh, eh, eh...", it would make me melt and I was so proud. I had completely forgotten about it until Finn started singing it the other day. I think he must've sang it in Preschool and it sparked his memory and he came home and knew it would spark mine also. The radio in our car (the one that got totaled) stopped working months before the accident and so there were a few songs we would sing. Colum would always kick his legs in his carseat or bounce up and down if we were at home. He had just started turning in circles when he died. Those circles were the most precious things I've ever seen. It would take him about 2 minutes to do a full circle, he'd sorta rock back and forth over and over while looking at the ceiling. I remember the first time we spotted him doing one he had that proud, sneaky grin on his happy little face as he danced. It was adorable and all his own. He was not meant to leave us so soon. I've cried a hundred times just about these two memories alone.
Ryan is also struggling with wearing all these new hats. We are different now. There are things that are different now physically and it's frustrating being so young yet having to deal with limitations. Emotionally we are broken. Mentally we aren't quite ourselves and I think having all of these at the same time is too much. But everyday we hope to heal and get better. Just still trying to find and understand our new normal. We were told one thing and then just told something completely opposite last week regarding the trial. Apparently "we misunderstood". It's disturbing and we just want justice. That's all I can say about it for now. But, I will say the timing couldn't have been worse while adding a lot of hopelessness to the mix. Fingers crossed that my silence goes in favor of our case... (long sigh) fingers crossed.
Ryan and I went for an overnight getaway last weekend. Finn stayed at Aunt Bobbi's and we went to a nearby mountain resort. It was so nice to be together, relax, and talk. We had a really nice and much needed break. It was beautiful and there was great live music playing. I hope that we can squeeze in a few more fun things before Summer ends. Around 9pm we went downstairs and sat in the hot tub and there were a lot of families still swimming in the pool. First we starting missing Finn. Hearing the laughter and splashes of the other families I started to get that familiar, sad feeling I get a lot these days. I couldn't quite nail it on the head until that night exactly why being around strangers with their families makes me so deeply sad. Those families still have that carefree life. Sure, there is chaos and difficult times but they aren't carrying around this unbearable sadness with them all the time. They are how we used to be and I long to be free of these new chains of pain and misery. I envy them, because I know I will never get to be that way again. I will carry these chains until the day I die. I will learn how to manage all my new hats. Which ones will stay, some will disappear un-noticed but these chains will always remain. And it is terrifying.
On a more positive note my hair is growing back! I wear it in a bun everyday and I don't think anyone would guess I've lost 85-90% of my hair. Some of it is 3 inches long, most of it is either about 1.5 inches or at buzz length. I'm so happy because these short hairs hide my scalp from showing through. Not sure yet if I'm just going to cut it really short once more is grown out but for now I'm just gonna let it be. Also, the gluten-free diet is going great. It really hasn't been hard to do so far and I can feel a huge difference because I don't get blood sugar lows everyday. We are also starting a cleanse today called a yeast beaters cleanse. If you can't tell we are in the depths of despair lately and are suffering from major anxiety. We were on major antibiotics in the hospital which can really mess up your system. I take a lot of Tylenol PM and still have a ton of trouble sleeping and it is gradually getting worse. I was told by a Dr after I had Colum, ( I had postpartum anxiety and OCD (yes, it's not just depression)) that 90% of your seratonin levels are created in your guts not in your brain. Anti-depressants work on your brain. He put me on a regimen to heal my guts and over a few weeks I was cured (I had been on Lexapro for 6 weeks and literally should have been committed). This cleanse is very similar to that regimen and I know it will help us a great deal. It's all natural and kills off the overgrowth of yeast in your body which basically causes all sorts of problems. I will post more info about this and what I think of this method if anybody is interested in a few weeks. I'm excited and crossing my fingers it helps improve our joint pain and brighten our moods. Have a great week!