I've always wished that I was one of those people that lost weight when they get stressed. I'd be an itty bitty thing. I get told often how 'chill' I seem and every time is equally just as surprising as the first. I'm so far from chill. I'm more... neurotic, and manic-y. I've always been easily overwhelmed. And now that's an understatement.
Everything is getting harder. It's not getting easier. Every day brings about a new challenge. Different issues arise. New repercussions rearing their ugly head. More weight on my shoulders. More bricks on my back. More panic attacks. More manic neurosis episodes by Kelly. More tears. More how am I gonna do this?
Probably will have to put down one of our dogs soon. Major unprofessionalism from the Pharmacy doing something WAY OUT OF LINE and making me feel like something I'm not (it was absolutely horrible and I'm boycotting Taylor Drug in American Fork!!!). Feeling people watch us, wondering what they are thinking. Awkward silences when I breakdown into tears for almost no reason. My physical pain is getting worse not better, I'm walking funnier, which is going to just cause more problems; more pain. My therapist makes me feel more upset instead of better (getting a new one). Everywhere we go I think how much Colum would have loved/hated this or that. I cry. Everywhere we go. I cry.
When we are where people don't know us and people make small talk or ask how old Finn is half the time I tell them about Colum and the other half it takes all I have not to. I don't need them to know the whole story, I just want them to know that there's another one, another child, another boy who was blonde with blue eyes. It feels like he's being forgotten or I'm leaving him behind. Every time I open my mouth it goes from small talk to awkward. But I can't help it. I don't need a pity party but I need every one to know that he's supposed to be with us. Right now he's supposed to be asleep in his bed... but he's not. It feels like I'm missing a limb. I wish strangers could see that we are even more broken on the inside than we are on the out. If only everybody could wear their hearts on their sleeves so the ones that were broken could be treated with extra care when needed.
Every few days though something good happens. I grasp the good so tightly. I have to hold on because if it weren't for those little good things I would be in complete darkness. It's hard because I thought by now it would be getting easier, like somehow I made it through the rough seas and there would be much smoother sailin' ahead. I was wrong. This is the rough seas. Please bare with me. Thank you so much for all your kind words. Still trying to look forward but with tears in my eyes.