::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

8.22.2012

Forward

I've always wished that I was one of those people that lost weight when they get stressed.  I'd be an itty bitty thing.  I get told often how 'chill' I seem and every time is equally just as surprising as the first.  I'm so far from chill.  I'm more... neurotic, and manic-y.  I've always been easily overwhelmed.  And now that's an understatement.

Everything is getting harder.  It's not getting easier.  Every day brings about a new challenge.  Different issues arise.  New repercussions rearing their ugly head.  More weight on my shoulders.  More bricks on my back.  More panic attacks.  More manic neurosis episodes by Kelly.  More tears.  More how am I gonna do this? 

Probably will have to put down one of our dogs soon.  Major unprofessionalism from the Pharmacy doing something WAY OUT OF LINE and making me feel like something I'm not (it was absolutely horrible and I'm boycotting Taylor Drug in American Fork!!!).  Feeling people watch us, wondering what they are thinking.  Awkward silences when I breakdown into tears for almost no reason.  My physical pain is getting worse not better, I'm walking funnier, which is going to just cause more problems; more pain.  My therapist makes me feel more upset instead of better (getting a new one).  Everywhere we go I think how much Colum would have loved/hated this or that.  I cry.  Everywhere we go.  I cry.  

When we are where people don't know us and people make small talk or ask how old Finn is half the time I tell them about Colum and the other half it takes all I have not to.  I don't need them to know the whole story, I just want them to know that there's another one, another child, another boy who was blonde with blue eyes.  It feels like he's being forgotten or I'm leaving him behind.  Every time I open my mouth it goes from small talk to awkward.  But I can't help it.  I don't need a pity party but I need every one to know that he's supposed to be with us.  Right now he's supposed to be asleep in his bed... but he's not.  It feels like I'm missing a limb.  I wish strangers could see that we are even more broken on the inside than we are on the out.  If only everybody could wear their hearts on their sleeves so the ones that were broken could be treated with extra care when needed.

Every few days though something good happens.  I grasp the good so tightly.  I have to hold on because if it weren't for those little good things I would be in complete darkness.  It's hard because I thought by now it would be getting easier, like somehow I made it through the rough seas and there would be much smoother sailin' ahead.  I was wrong.  This is the rough seas.  Please bare with me.  Thank you so much for all your kind words.  Still trying to look forward but with tears in my eyes.

40 comments:

  1. I know you guys don't want a lot of people bothering you, but if you need anything at all, I am just down the street. #801-361-6420. I know you probably don't want Finn out of your sight, but if you need a nap or have an appointment or anything, my girls would love to play with Finn. Anytime. If you don't feel like making dinner one day, I would love to bring you a meal.
    Brittany

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  2. I also want to say that, although I haven't lost a child, I have heard other parents say the same thing about not wanting them to be forgotten. I think that's normal. And so sad that people don't know how to react to you just wanting to talk about Colum. So if you just want someone to be able to share stories about Colum with, I would love to hear them when you are ready.

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  3. I've always wished I was one of those skinny stressers, too. I'm also often told that I'm super calm, even when something crazy happens at the hospital with Norah and I truly I feel like exploding. I often times break down once I get away from people, or once I get home. Family is always a comfort. Sometimes it just feels good to cry there with them, without having to say anything at all.

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling like you need to talk about Colum to everyone. I often find myself telling complete strangers that Harper's sister lives in the hospital. I don't need them to feel bad for me, but I feel like it needs to be known that there is someone amazing that is missing. I feel bad when I realize that they have no idea how to respond other than, "I'm so sorry". I find myself in the store, trying to find a reason to buy something for her that she would like. I imagine the sun on her face while outside with Harper. When I'm feeling especially awful, I can go see her at the hospital. I am so sad that you can't hold Colum and just BE TOGETHER. But I am happy that he is everywhere, in everything that you see and experience. But I also know that sometimes that just isn't enough.

    Sending lots of love and ridiculously tight hugs that borderline creepy, haha ;)

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  4. I completely sympathise with your need to tell people about Colum. I met a lady recently who remarked on the age difference between my girl and my baby and I physically felt as though as needed to acknowledge Jude. Wanted her to know that there was another child who was just as important but I didn't tell her. Spent the rest of the day in such a bad mood because I hadn't acknowledged him. I've given up worrying about awkward conversations it's better for us just to do and say what we need to.
    I'm sorry that you're in a bad place today, I'm just returning from a few bad days, it'll happen but I hope you're out of it soon.
    Sending you lots of love.xxxx

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  5. I know it sucks that it's harder and not easier right now, but you need to remember that it hasn't even been a year. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. I lost my husband a year and a half ago. I have days too where I feel like everyone in the world but me has forgotten him. I find myself awkwardly telling people about him and our story. Everything you're feeling and doing is completely normal. Screw anyone who makes you feel otherwise. You are such an amazing person (and I don't even know you personally). I am humbled by your openness and honesty about your grief...the things you share are so intimate and raw. You have no idea how many lives you've touched, and how many hearts you've comforted. I hope that somehow you can find the same comfort through others. You may always feel some darkness because of this horrible tragedy but I know that you will find happiness and peace one day too. Hold onto hope...somedays it's the only thing that can get you through to the next.

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  6. Im so sorry. I wish there was something magical I could say, but nothing can ever take away your pain. I completely understand though how as individuals we may look okay on the outside but are falling apart on the inside. I have a HUGE issue when it comes to asking for help when I need it, instead I allow myself to crumble on the inside and deal with it alone. Although not the same, I lost my oldest daughters twin in utero. Absolutely no one remembers that she was a twin! She was a twin all the way thru the first trimester. Amazes me how no one ever even acknowledges it. But again, I acted like I was "fine" at the time and swept it all under the rug. Good for you for reaching out thru your blog. I find blogging to be therapeutic. Many hugs to you and so incredibly sorry for all you are going thru.

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  7. Hang in there my brave friend. You can do this..... you are stronger than you know.
    Still praying for you everyday.
    Natalie

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  8. This post made me cry. I am so sorry that you have such a burden. I am so sorry that you are missing your little boy. That is a hidden sorrow that others don't know. Many people are thinking of you and cheering you guys on. Keep moving forward...

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  9. Not a skinny stresser either. I'm a major stress EATER. Like, anything that's available and possibly in weird combinations. Fast food at 11PM? Sure thing.

    Recently, there was a car accident near my house involving a drunk driver and family of five that claimed the life of their three year-old daughter. I don't know the family but I'm good friends with people who are, and whenever I see them on Facebook or whatever my heart just breaks, every single time. They're having a benefit next month and I've thrown myself into supporting it. Your blog makes it very easy to understand what child-loss feels like; you're so raw and honest. When bad things happen to others, it's easy to just say "Oh that's so sad" and move on. I think that's why so many people say "Wow, you aren't over that yet?" in regards to death, miscarriage, etc. It's such a callous thing to say but they haven't really tried to understand that pain so to them, it's no big deal. But your words force me to feel your pain and imagine that hole in my heart. My life would be in shreds. So when this accident happened, and that family lost their daughter, I was compelled to help them in any way I could.

    Your blog is amazing, and you are amazing.

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  10. Saw this poem the other day I'm not sure who it's by but I like it:

    Angel
    I've lost a child, I hear myself say
    And the person I'm talking to just turns away.
    Now why did I tell them, I don't understand
    It wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.
    I just want them to know I've lost something dear.
    I want them to know my child was here,
    He left something behind that no one can see,
    so, If I've upset you I'm sorry as can be,
    you'll have to forgive me, I could not resist.
    I just want you to know my child did exist.

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  11. I pray for your family every night...Colum will never be forgotten! Hugs

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  12. Kelly,
    Sorry you are having a hard time but I think that is to be expected. I think it's sad that we feel like we need to get over things quickly or we are crazy. It has not been long at all since your accident be patient with yourself and your physical healing and when it comes to loosing a child The pain never really goes away,just like our love for our children doesn't go away a month or two after we have them it just keeps growing and no one thinks thats wierd it's what we are expected to do as parents to Love our children with everthing we are, so when we lose a child that pain,all of our dreams for our childs future doesn't just go away. I guess my point is our society is CRAZY to think you should be over such a loss ever, it goes against every fiber of our parent hearts!!! I think you are doing great and it's ok to still be having a hard time we humans just always want everything NOW. I will continue praying for you and your family. I think of you often and my heart hurts for you. I know it's a hard place to be and I'm so sorry you have to go through it!!!! Sending lots of love. Charlene

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  13. Love you Kel. Let's get outta here and go to the beach.

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  14. I would do exactly what you are doing. I'd try to hold on to his memory as tight as I could. Still to this day I burst into tears when ever I pass the accident site. I've tried everything from not looking at it to being on the phone but nothing works. We all remember Colum and will never forget that beautiful blonde haired blue eyed boy even though we have never met him. You are a huge inspiration to so many and thanks for the boycott on Taylor's Drug I will spread the word.

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  15. Bearing with you and praying for you!!!! My heart is broken!!!!! The Lord is mindful of you even though others are not. Keep your chin up. Easier said than done I know, but SOOO many people loveyou who haven't even met you. Let that carry you through those tough days. You are AMAZING!!!!

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  16. I love this saying: "Treat every person like their heart is breaking. Because it probably is." Sending out love and comfort to you. So sorry you are getting hammered. :( You have to walk through hell to get to heaven? I KNOW things will get easier for you down the road. I'm soooo sorry you have to walk down this road right now. Love to you and yours. xoxo

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  17. Hello,
    I have followed your blog for a while now and never left a comment. Your post reminded me of another beautiful article I read on a blog written by a woman who lost her 15 month old daughter. She said that this article really helped her to heal. I hope that it can give you some perspective too.

    http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html

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  18. So sorry Kelly, just so sorry! You put in to words exactly how I would imagine it to be "when broken". Oh so broken hearted. I wish you a thousand hugs, hair strokes, and hand holding. Sometimes I'm sure that even us grown girls need a lullaby and to be rocked until we can't cry anymore!

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  19. If it were possible, I would drive right this second straight to you from Oklahoma and give you a hug. My fervent prayers for your tender,hurting heart and healing body.

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  20. Oh Kelly, my heart just absolutely breaks reading this post. I want to just hug you!! Please please know that despite living in Virginia, not knowing your family personally, and never having the pleasure to know your precious boy, I will NEVER forget your sweet Colum! Never ever. I think about you all and can picture his beautiful, smiling face. He was put on this earth for a reason and there is also a reason why you, your husband, and Finn survived that day. It is truly a miracle that the three of you did. You are going to see happy days again Kelly. Something absolutely amazing is in store for you. I just know it.

    I am so sorry to hear about your dog. However, I think to my favorite part of the book, The Lovely Bones, when the girl is watching her family from heaven, watches when her dog gets hit by a car, and then she is immediately knocked down! You see, her dog had made his way to heaven and was so so happy to be reunited with her. So if you lose your dog, please picture Colum's smiling face as he is reunited with his pet in heaven.

    I think you should wear a necklace with a picture of Colum on it. Then people will ask you about him. Also (and I think I may have suggested this after your vacation and dealing with rude people) you need to keep something in your purse, like a business card almost, with your website address, or a small paragraph about your life & what you are going through. Anytime you are in a situation where someone is being rude to you, or just anytime you want someone to know without having to say the words, hand them one. Because once they read your story, their life and the way they view things will forever change. I know this is the case with me since I have learned about you and your family and your precious Colum.

    Sending love and prayers your way, always, and every day.

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  21. Heck, Kelly, I tell everyone about Colum too! And about Kelly and Ryan and Finn, my wonderful brave relatives who have had to endure what no one should have to go through. Just know that there are so many of us who care and remember and who pray for better days for you. I know they will increase with time. I am sad to think that the physical pain is increasing. That can't help the emotional pain. I think you should take your friend up on her beach offer. Just go for it.

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  22. My heart just breaks for you Kelly...I wish I could help take away some of your pain....

    Never quit talking about Colum! He's your child and he SHOULD be here and you guys shouldn't be in the emotional and physical pain that you're in and it's all because of one f&@#$n jerk who decided to get behind the wheel when he had no right to!! The people who don't know you shouldn't judge you cause they don't know you! Crying is ok Kelly, you're thinking of your little Dove!
    Still thinking of you all everyday and wear my I Heart Colum bracelet!!

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  23. After loosing someone there's that awful feeling that lingers a bit too long, that nothing will ever be good again... It will get better, I know you know this but waking up won't be so hard and there will be that sting underneath everything that will always be tender but it does heal and becomes a scar that once in a great while opens up again. You're doing great, I have been slilently following your blog since the beggining and it may not seem like it but you are going at the pace you should, I would even say your ahead with wanting so much progress for you and your family, wanting more babies and to physically heal as soon as possible. I pray for you and your family all the time and send positive energy your way :) You probably don't remember me at all but I played in a softball team with you for a little bit, a friend and I would watch the kiddies sometimes before I actually played. We had so much fun with Colum! He truly was so special and beautiful :) I remember holding him and it was a little cold out and he had one french fry in his hand that he wouldn't let go, his little fingers were clenched so tight around it and we kept laughing because he held it the whole time. I have a one picture of holding him that my friend gave to me and it is so beautiful I framed it and have it room, it was before his passing and now I am glad I got to meet your special boy as well as Finn. I hope that doesn't creep you out, (I'm a photographer and have pictures all over my house of all kinds of things and people). It is very dear to me. I send you love and prayers. Hang in there girly, you are incredible :)

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  24. In reading your posts my heart breaks for you and your beutiful. Your little Colum is never far away. he is so aware of you and your pain. You never need to apologize for being teary. You have experienced a terrible, terrible loss. It was and is WAY more than the loss of a child. It isn't like a broken bone, or a scratch. What you have suffered will take time to heal. Please give yourself the time to grieve. There is nothing wrong with that.

    I hope that through your experiences, I can be more understanding of others. I pray that you will find others to give comfort when needed. Don't be afraid to tell them of your pain and struggles, hopefully you will find the comfort you need.

    I will continue to pray for you and your family. Please know that you are loved by many, many people! Strangers in fact!

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  25. I thought of you when I read this quote,

    "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving

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  26. Hi Kelly, I have followed your blog for a good while now after coming across it accidentally and have never commented before but feel I have to as I think you are being far too hard on yourself, it is very early days since this terrible tragedy happened to your family. I’m not saying don’t try but I think you are pushing too hard, ease up a little on yourself, you’re not superwoman, what does it really matter if your walk is a little ungainly it’s only natural after what you’ve been through, like I said before it’s still early days. I’m sure it will get better given time. You have done wonderfully well the fact that you can stand up let alone walk/run after what you have been through.
    Of course you are going to cry for Colum and want to talk about him and acknowledge him and anyone who thinks there is something wrong with that is not normal, you’re still grieving, it’s only natural that your emotions are all over the place, you’re only human.
    You are a wonderful person, never forget that, even on your darkest days.
    May God bless you all.
    A well wisher UK

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  27. I love to read the beautiful memories you have of Colum. All of us reading your blog are blessed to read your story, thank you for sharing your most vulnerable moments. You're a blessing to each of us. I just want you to know that I am sending many prayers to you and your family. Please know that so many of us care, truly care.

    I was wondering how you would feel about having a special get-together with your family and close friends in honor of Colum? Everyone could share stories and special moments they had with Colum. You could eat his favorite foods, sing his favorite songs, share beautiful pictures of Colum. I know it won't bring him back but I think it would help your healing process. I'm so sorry you and your family lost such a precious gift, Colum.

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  28. Kelly,
    I would really like to meet you, to cry with you. I lost my little girl in a car accident 6 months ago and I was also injured. I feel like, every time I read your blog, you are speaking my mind, saying the things I'm afraid to say. If you feel like a new friend who can really empathize please feel free to email me lmeestone@gmail.com. Thank you for your words that feel like they could be mine.

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  29. My parents used to use Taylor Drug but boycotted them a few years ago. Very bad experience. :( I just stick with Walgreen's. I'm sorry about your dog and your unsettled emotions. Keep going. You will make it through. Thinking of you always.

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  30. A friend of mine lost her 7 year old son in a tragic farm accident nearly one year ago...walking beside her, sometimes close and sometimes from a distance, my heart has ached for her and her family. She's told me on numerous occasions that she just misses her dear boy. All the other stuff is horrible, all the extra stress, attention, awkwardness, it's horrible...but there are days where she struggles to breathe, because she aches from not seeing her son for 6 weeks, 5 months, 8 months, and now 11.5 months. As a parent, I can't grasp it...I can't pretend to understand. So all I can do is pray, smile, encourage, cry, and love the living daylights out of my kids after seeing the pain she faces from missing one of hers. Kelly, please know, I don't know you, it's highly unlikely that we'll ever meet, but I check in here because I care about your family. I keep stopping by because I pray for you, for your family. I give my three extra squeezes and kisses, I put the dishes down and sit to read to my kids because of your story, your openness, your willingness to share. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your transparency. Thank you for sharing Colum and the precious memories that you have. I don't know if I could be so generous. It is not an easy path that you walk, but oh, oh how you have touched hearts you'll never know. Colum has touched hearts he's never met. Press on. Keep loving. Keep sharing.

    Jen

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  31. I can not even begin to imagine how you feel hun, if i lost my boy, i'm not sure how i would cope. Don't feel worried about talking about Colum, he is your son, if people can not deal with it, that's there problem, if they do not understand why you cry, that's there problem, if they make you feel bad in anyway, it is there problem.

    If you want to talk about Colum, come to us on the blog, we will listen, we will not judge, we will help you remember and never forget. Tell people about him, he is still your baby and always will be. I think you are amazing, you are doing so well - please use us on the blog, we will always be here to listen and help hun x take care x

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  32. I am so sorry and yes, have heard (and experienced) that grief takes many turns over the first few years. That when people may think you must be feeling better you are actually feeling worse as the reality of the loss settles in.

    Hugs to you and yours and take it one day at a time. Know that there are many faceless strangers out here supporting you all, wishing/praying/hoping for brighter days ahead.

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  33. {{{Hugs}}}...and prayers for you and your family.

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  34. If I were you I would do all the things you're doing, I don't doubt it one bit, I see what you mean it seems like you don't give a damn what people think yet you're totally bugged at the same time by reactions and what not. So many heartfelt wishes for your well being, and we just happen to be the people who are brave enough to leave comments even though we don't formally know you :) So I can't believe how many more are anonymously right there by your side listening to your story and aching with you. I swear you are a magical person! Like one of your friends mentioned... heck, even I tell everyone your story... it is far-reaching... Colum has this incredibly palpable, sweet, and enduring soul and yours matches his. He lives on through you, his equally wonderful & beautiful Mom! Who totally needs to hit the beach with that friend! Sorry I probably sound like a pep talk which is a turn-off if you are having horrible days, but these words are honest & I still have to meet you one day even if all you did was cry. All I keep thinking when I read your blog is, "Oh I would do the exact same thing," nodding my head with tears rolling. I think you are amazing to acknowledge that you hold on so tight to the good; you are a warrior. Keep doing that and hang on tight as well to your wonderful husband and Finn who get to be by your side every day! I have an I Heart Colum bracelet on my dresser & you need to know how alive his memory and soul are. Because you're keeping it that way. It is a reminder first and foremost of him & your beautiful strong family. But also it reminds me to treasure my own family dearly as life can switch gears in an instant. Keep writing; you are so so so talented with it and you speak your heart in a very unique way. Part of the reason you have a major fan club out here in cyber world. But I am only in Salt Lake so that's another reason I feel somewhat" close!" Sorry for the novel, you are amazing.

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  35. Sending you love on these hard, hard days. I am so sorry for your loss. As I approach the one year mark w/out Jack, I do wonder how we'll all make it through. Clinging to the good....

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  36. I agree with what the woman above said: Talk about Colum here. Where there is a crowd of people who love him without ever knowing him while he was here on the Earth. So introduce him to us, and remember the little things. I am sure most of us are moms and we get that the little things are everything. I continue to pray for your family. Peace be with you. (hugs)

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  37. I talk about your little colum all the time! I also talk about you and how amazing you are all the time..... I think about you guys all the time. It has been 8 sad, long horrible months... I think you are doing a lot better than you give yourself credit for... Physically you have met so many milestones much sooner than most... I can't imagine the aches you must feel every time you stand up or try to sit or lay down... I think you need to move to the beach where it is warm for the winter months... No matter where you are your sweet colum will follow.. I can't imagine the pain,ache and sadness you feel in your heart living without your precious baby boy! A hole... A void... Something missing... Something sad all day everyday... I would tell everyone that came within listening range that my sweet 2 yrh old is in heaven instead of with me every where I went.... Then there will be no time for judging or awkward stares... They could either ask or walk away and you won't have to worry about the looks because you are weeping.. They would not even think twice... Easier said than done right? If you want to talk or complain to me, text me.. I am so so very very sorry for your loss Kelly! Lots of love and hugs... Xoxoxo. Amanda

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  38. Your strength, your courage, your way with words.. Kelly you are talented and so incredibly inspirational. What an enormous influence you have had on strangers near and far. You continue to touch lives everyday, making all the mothers out there appreciate the precious moments. Thank you for opening to the cyber world. Column and your family continue to be in my daily prayers. While running, as I reach the peak at the top of the hill, I think to myself.. Column and Kelly this is for you. You drive me to be a better person, mother, therapist, and friend. Thank you.

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  39. I have been following your story these past 9 months or so but haven't commented. I just wanted to give you a few words of wisdom and comfort. I can't begin to imagine how hard it is to lose a child but I did lose my husband of 33 years and both parents within 7 months of each other. It was 3 years ago. Time does not necessarily heal but it gives your mind and body time to heal and to get things straight in your head and heart. So give things time...don't feel like you have to hold in your tears or feelings. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like laughing, laugh. If you feel sad, be sad. If you feel frustrated with your health, be frustrated. That first year after such a tremendous loss can be a dozey - so many reminders, so many big events such as birthdays, mother's and father's day, holidays, Memorial day, etc. Hard days for sure. Sometimes people think "oh once the year is over it will be better." It will in a lot of ways but I still have those moments where time stands still and I'm back in that place where it is so hard and sad. I was told "you need to move forward." Ok, I can do that. I can move forward, but where do I go? Now, my life is better and I have reasons and the desire to be happy. So, don't feel you need to be on anyone's timetable and need to hide how you really feel. I think a lot of people are pulling for you and love you. Your story touched many of us who don't know you. I admire your tenacity to not let your loss keep you from living the life you need and want. Take care!!

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  40. Keep pushing through Kelly. You can do this. It just takes time...don't forget to give yourself time to work through the good times and bad. Sending you prayers!

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