::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

8.02.2012

bump in the road

Yesterday, we were told some very disturbing news.  The day before something so sad happened and I just wanted Ryan home so I could hold on to him.  Neither of these I can really share... not yet anyways.  It's been a heart wrenching, infuriating, and hard few days.


Over the past week or so a veil has been lifted.  Or maybe it's all the microburst storms that come through the skies above that send excruciating pain throughout my entire body sometimes days before they even come.  Suddenly, I don't feel as strong anymore.  Something inside me was hiding reality in a thin glass box.  A little crack here.  Another crack there.  Over this past week it has slowly shattered.  For both of us.  Like a ticking time bomb.  The pain is too much both physically and emotionally.  There are psychological issues surfacing that can't be overcome no matter how strong we are.  We are terrified.  Why did my baby have to die?  Why does the pain have to hurt so bad?  How can I ever be happy after knowing what I now know?  The dark cloud that follows me around making everything darker.   Little things seem overwhelming to us.  Everything is SO. MUCH. HARDER. NOW.  I guess I really thought it would get easier.  I thought the physical pain would be gone by now.  Perhaps the "I can walk and toilet myself" high is wearing off and I'm not hitting any new milestones.  This might be it.  This might be my new normal.


Truthfully, when I run it hurts my knees so bad, crap is this going to cause another problem.  When I roll over in bed my body throbs.  My heart, oh my heart.  My heart is broken.  My passion is now replaced by fear.  My make up is always tear streaked.  Issues.  I have issues.     


I ask my physical therapists if I should plan on being in pain forever.  "I don't know", they always answer me.  When I was younger I had to help with the family lawn mowing business because my Dad was a school teacher and this helped our family make more money.  I mowed a lot of elderly people's lawns.  90% of them scared the sh!t out of me because they were so mean and awnry.  As I got older I learned that their entire bodies were probably in pain causing them to not really care about how pleasant they seemed.  I'm only 31.  Does this mean by age 40 I'm going to be mean and scare people?  It's definitely a possibility.   We still eat most of our meals in our bed because it's the most comfortable and any chance we have to put our legs up I jump on.  (Gross, I know!)  We got 5 letters from the DMV in the mail today.  One addressed to Colum, one to Finn, 2 to Ryan, and 1 to me.  Ryan opened 1 of them.  They are just letting us know that Thomas R Ainsworth was not insured.  And they'd like us to send them all of our medical statements (Seriously buckets and buckets of them) to them.  After we send them our itemized hospital statements, they will therefore suspend Thomas' driving license.  Bravo DMV, Bravo!  Are you freaking kidding me!  7 months later and you are considering suspending the meth using, "CELL PHONE DROPPING", median jumping asshole's license.  Only after we spend hours sending you copies of our medical statements, let me get my handicap ass right on top of that, because this must be completed within (10) days.  


Finn came into our bedroom while Ryan was at work the other day and was carrying his sippy cup by his teeth.  He grabbed it with his hands while he asked, "Mom remember when Colum used to do this?".  I melted.  The very next day he came in making that clucking sound when you put your tongue to the top of your mouth and said, "I remember Colum always doing this".  I always talk to him about Colum and point out things that remind me of Colum and he always says "oh yeah" or "uh-huh".  I'd given up hope of him initiating a memory he had of his own like this.  It's been over 7 months since he's seen and played with his baby brother and I don't want him to ever forget him.  We are so grateful Finn didn't get badly hurt in the accident.  I'm so glad he still has a chance at a normal life and doesn't have to suffer physical pain.  


Things will get better.  Deep down I know they will, they have to.  Just a little bump in the road.  



27 comments:

  1. Every healing processes has it's lows. I'm sorry you have hit one, but you are right it's just a little bump in the road. You guys will get back on track when the time is right. Keeping you and yours in my prayers.

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  2. Our daughter died four years ago. My husband and I still struggle some days, but it has gotten easier to bear. Hang in there. You're loved and prayed for by so many. You're not alone!

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  3. praying praying praying for you!!! things WILL get better, I know it! And oh my goodness, at the end of your post you put things in perspective. What an absolute miracle that you and your husband survived and that your precious Finn is pain free. A true miracle. I've been reading your blog for so long and I just cry and cry and say, "it's not fair - why did this have to happen to this wonderful family?". Never once have I stopped to think, "Thank you God for the miracle of saving their older son & allowing him to live without pain." Use that as your focus to help you through the many difficult days. And know that we are out there praying for you, sending you love, cheering for you.

    The memories your son was sharing about Colum were so sweet. My dad lost his three year old brother many years ago. Even though I never was able to know him, I think of my Uncle Lee all the time, and how one day I'll get to meet him in heaven. Not only will your son never forget his brother, but his future children will love their Uncle Colum.

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  4. Kelly,,
    I don't know you but I have been reading your blog. What a beautiful and strong lady you are! This post brought tears to my eyes because I personally don't think I could be as sting and motivated as you! I look up to you for that! You and your family are in my prayers! I have faith that everything will get better! Keep your head up! I know my "bumps in the road" are nothing like what yours are. But just remember that so many people are praying for you. Colum is by your side and I'm sure that he would only want the best for you, Ryan and Finn. You're amazing! Thanks for being an example. Have faith. (:

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  5. Sending prayers to each of you. Wanted to share this beautiful poem with you.

    One Step at a Time
    by Joseph Morris

    In the morning with the journey all before us on the road,
    It takes courage to begin, that is sure;
    For the first step is the hardest, and we always think the load
    May be greater than we've power to endure.
    When the first mile lies behind us we can say, "Now that is done,
    And the second and the third will soon be past."
    So we trudge on through the noontime, and the setting of the sun
    Finds us coming to our stopping-place at last.
    When a man would climb a mountain he's appalled to see the length
    Of the slope that reaches up into the sky;
    But he starts, and with the climbing he will find he's gained the strength
    To attain the very top, however high.
    For the climbing of a mountain takes but one step at a time--
    Who has courage to do that will reach the goal;
    He will stand upon Life's summit and will know that joy sublime
    Which is his alone who dares to prove his soul.

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  6. I don't have much more to say other than a resounding "I love you". Please please please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it's just to lend an ear, scream at, or hug.

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  7. Kelly,
    I am so very sorry to hear that you have to face yet another "bump in the road." You and Ryan and Finn are strong and will face this together. As always if you need anything please let me know. I know that I am a stranger but I feel so much for you and your family and am always there to lend a helping hand if you ever need it.
    I woke up this morning and had this on my facebook page and immediately thought of you. It was posted by a woman in G.B. who lost her little girl to cancer recently:
    I wish my child hadn't died, I wish my child back. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my childs name.
    My child lived and was very important to me. I need to know they were important to you as well.

    If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears.

    You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief, I thank you for both.

    I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child by removing my child's pictures, artwork or other rememberances from your home.

    Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

    I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favourite topic of the day.

    I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things, through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

    I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

    I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you would understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead.

    I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time so don't frustrate yourself.

    I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve, I must hurt before I can heal.
    I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it's miserable for you to be around me when I am feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.

    When I say "I am doing OK", I wish you would understand that I don't feel OK and that I struggle daily.
    I wish you knew all of the grief reactions i'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I am quiet and withdrawn or irritable or cranky.

    Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent. I wish you would understand that I am doing good to handle an hour at a time.
    I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will not be that person again.

    I wish very much that you would understand. Understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain.

    But I pray daily that you will never understand.

    Author Unknown

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    1. I have read this like 5x's and I also read it to Ryan. I/we cried everytime. It's exactly right on. Thank you so much for posting this!

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  8. Oh no... this post makes me so sad and worried. I hope you are okay. I'm sorry that you are facing something horrible right now. If you need anything, please let me know. I am always here for you. I'll be praying for you and Ryan that you can get through this bump in the road together. Stay strong Kelly!

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  9. Your bump in the road makes me cry. I can't say I understand, or I know how you feel. I have experienced the pain of losing a parent at a young age, but I can't identify with losing one of my children. My heart aches for you, and even trying to imagine how much you hurt makes me wonder how you get up and function every day.
    I wonder if you feel like people forget...that's the wrong word. I know people don't forget, but they move on. I wonder if you feel like people are moving on and maybe you're stuck. I wish I could give you a hug, and take some of your pain away. I'm sure people tell you all the time how strong you are. I really think that's true. I heard a song yesterday that reminded me of my mom (she died in 1995). At first it made me smile, and I was surprised when a few minutes later I was crying. A coworker of mine gave me a "mom" hug. Nothing can be the same as a real mom hug or a Colum hug, but it felt really nice. I'm rambling. I wish so badly there was something someone could say or do to take some of the weight/sadness from your shoulders. All I can offer is the knowledge that people are thinking of you. We have never met, but I think of you often. Give your sweet Finn a hug, and maybe it can make you smile, even for just a minute.

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  10. Thoughts and many many prayers go up for you and your family. Emotional strength, physical strength, faith, hope, love, and perserverence.

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  11. I wish there were magic words to say or actions to take to help you all. I simply cannot fathom the pain (physical and emotional) that you are in. Continued prayers for you all.

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  12. I am sorry for your pain and "bump in the road." I am still praying for you and your family. I hope things are okay, with whatever the disturbing news was.

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  13. I'm sorry that this has to be so hard for you. It's completely unfair that you have to endure all this physical and emotional pain.
    I hope you can find the strength to keep going and let this bad day pass, knowing as I do that another better day will come.
    When I'm at the bottom of the pit I remember my friend's wise words: "When you're going through hell, keep going"

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  14. All I know to say right now is how sorry I am for you. I am So sorry Kelly. I wish there was something more I could say or do. I will keep praying and praying and praying for you.
    (tears and hugs and LOTS OF PRAYERS).

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  15. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something we -- other people -- could do for you. I know that it's your personal battle though and can only hope that you feel some love, hope, and peace, radiating from those who think of you and pray over you. God truly walks with you and will be that source of healing. If you believe in a Savior who suffered horribly for each of us personally, then you can know there is One who truly does know how you feel and truly does know how to make all things alive again, all things right, all things justified, and all things put back together in time. He truly is and will be your mediator and your source of vengeance -- and then will come the peace and the eternal joy.

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  16. You have the right to be sad and to want to hug your family and eat in bed! There will be many bumps in the road, but look at how many you have already overcome! I love that Finn was happy thinking about his brother with the sippy cup! That was a good funny happy memory, that little man has truly been through a lot. God Bless him, so happy he is physically unharmed. I pray for you and your family, for more pain free days. Happy new memories and smiles about the past memories of the "Good Ole Days" with your precious Colum. Love from Colorado

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  17. I think about your family several times a day! You are always in my thoughts and prayers..... I am so very very sorry for everything you have been through.. My heart aches so much for you, it burns... Please let me know if you need anything. Call meif you want to talk or vent. Xoxoxo

    Amanda Murdock

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  18. Love you! I am sad that you are having more bumps in your road. I wish I could take it away. The pain and the heartache. Love you.

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  19. BIG HUGS Kelly!!! I am so sad that your heart is hurting. :(

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  20. I am always stopping by to read the latest. I pray for you and Ryan and Finn and Colum all the time. I wish I could tell you what things will be like 2 years from now. I wish I could tell you things will feel better. I cant relate on your physical level. I cant even imagine. I cringe everytime you talk about it because I just know how much I hurt from the death of my baby but I didnt have an actual broken body to add to the already excrusiating pain. You amaze me. Every single word you type. Every breath you take. Everyday you are still here. I look up to you sooo much. Our situations are different so I hope I never make you feel like I know what you are going through. The pain that I experianced with Makenzie was horrible. I honestly never thought life could be even the least bit normal. Or enjoyable. Or that I could ever live a day without crying or pain or going to be physically exausted because I used all my energy just to survive one more day. I would hear others stories and compare myself. I would beat myself up because I was not acting like them. It has taken a long time. but I am finally at a place that I dont do that as much. I am feeling whatever I need to feel. I hurt. I miss. I lost my little girl. and I will never see her again for the rest of my life. That pain will not ever go away. BUT I can say we are a few months away from the 3 year mark. and I have days that are good. I have days that when I think of her I am happy instead of just missing. Its not all the time but they are there. I just wanted you to know that someday- I think you will have those days. Maybe it wont be for a while but you lost your Colum. and it wasnt fair. It wasnt at the right time. It was sudden and it was horrible. I just hope you dont hurt so much from your beautiful but broke body so much.
    I hope this all made sense and it came across like I hoped. I just love you Kelly. You are so amazing and I wish I could just hug you.
    I will keep praying everyday for you.
    Kendra...

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    1. Thank you Kendra! Thank you soooo much for writing this.

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  21. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and for the recent things that have come up. I can't even begin to imagine how hard things must feel for you right now. It's great to be strong, but it's okay to break down too. You don't have to be super woman. You are one amazing woman! But you are human, and we can only take so much before we're pretty sure we can't take another thing. You can't give up. You have to keep going. Being strong doesn't mean that you don't cry all day, everyday. Being strong is pushing through even if the light is out at the end of the tunnel.... tears, streaked makeup, snot bubbles and all! It might take months, it might take years and it might take a lifetime. But you can't give up. Colum will never be forgotten no matter what! Finn is an amazing little boy. I love his memories of his baby brother and that he's telling you about them. You and Ryan are great parents and Finn will grow up happy, because he still has you both as well as his memories of Colum. I hope your aches and pains will become more bearable as time goes on and that eventually your hearts will somehow hurt less (if that's even possible after losing a child)? Our system is so broken by the way.... 7 months to suspend a license after killing someone in a car accident? But you (the victims) only have 10 days to submit your piles and piles of medical bills? I will continue to pray for your strength and healing. Keep your head up. Don't give up.

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  22. I'm so sorry you're suffering. I truly wish I could do something to help you. I will continue to pray for your healing and the strength to keep on pushing forward. Please continue to talk to us and never give up. I don't know you personally but I do have love in my heart just for you. Hang on, we're all right here for you.

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  23. It's just plain shitty, the whole damn thing. You've had your brave face on for a long time, probably didn't feel like it but you've been looking ahead since day one. I don't know how you've done it. Its hard to realize that so many terrible things happen to the most undeserving people, It feels like I read about something like this so often now. It makes a person feel helpless. I'm so sad for what you are having to go through. I don't know how it feels to go through this, even trying to imagine it is too painful. I'm pretty terrible at coming up with the right thing to say but I hope you know I think about you and yours all the time and I'm wishing you something beautiful in your life. I hope it's coming soon and there is some relief on its way. Lots of Love, Heidi

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  24. sending you love. i know how shitty this is. i am so very sorry.

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  25. My heart breaks for you, Ryan , and Finn every time I think of you all!! I hope this "Bump in the road" isn't what I think it might be. I hope I'm wrong. I still think of you guys every day and wear my I HEART COLUM bracelet every day!!! I can't ever imagine what you go though in a day, but you are in the thoughts and prayers of many of us who know you, just met you, or have never met you but feel like they know you from your blog! You're an amazing family only meeting you all a few times but I do have to say that you all inspire me in so many ways! Please continue to stay strong and for hell sakes....eat in your bed!!!

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