Yesterday, we were told some very disturbing news. The day before something so sad happened and I just wanted Ryan home so I could hold on to him. Neither of these I can really share... not yet anyways. It's been a heart wrenching, infuriating, and hard few days.
Over the past week or so a veil has been lifted. Or maybe it's all the microburst storms that come through the skies above that send excruciating pain throughout my entire body sometimes days before they even come. Suddenly, I don't feel as strong anymore. Something inside me was hiding reality in a thin glass box. A little crack here. Another crack there. Over this past week it has slowly shattered. For both of us. Like a ticking time bomb. The pain is too much both physically and emotionally. There are psychological issues surfacing that can't be overcome no matter how strong we are. We are terrified. Why did my baby have to die? Why does the pain have to hurt so bad? How can I ever be happy after knowing what I now know? The dark cloud that follows me around making everything darker. Little things seem overwhelming to us. Everything is SO. MUCH. HARDER. NOW. I guess I really thought it would get easier. I thought the physical pain would be gone by now. Perhaps the "I can walk and toilet myself" high is wearing off and I'm not hitting any new milestones. This might be it. This might be my new normal.
Truthfully, when I run it hurts my knees so bad, crap is this going to cause another problem. When I roll over in bed my body throbs. My heart, oh my heart. My heart is broken. My passion is now replaced by fear. My make up is always tear streaked. Issues. I have issues.
I ask my physical therapists if I should plan on being in pain forever. "I don't know", they always answer me. When I was younger I had to help with the family lawn mowing business because my Dad was a school teacher and this helped our family make more money. I mowed a lot of elderly people's lawns. 90% of them scared the sh!t out of me because they were so mean and awnry. As I got older I learned that their entire bodies were probably in pain causing them to not really care about how pleasant they seemed. I'm only 31. Does this mean by age 40 I'm going to be mean and scare people? It's definitely a possibility. We still eat most of our meals in our bed because it's the most comfortable and any chance we have to put our legs up I jump on. (Gross, I know!) We got 5 letters from the DMV in the mail today. One addressed to Colum, one to Finn, 2 to Ryan, and 1 to me. Ryan opened 1 of them. They are just letting us know that Thomas R Ainsworth was not insured. And they'd like us to send them all of our medical statements (Seriously buckets and buckets of them) to them. After we send them our itemized hospital statements, they will therefore suspend Thomas' driving license. Bravo DMV, Bravo! Are you freaking kidding me! 7 months later and you are considering suspending the meth using, "CELL PHONE DROPPING", median jumping asshole's license. Only after we spend hours sending you copies of our medical statements, let me get my handicap ass right on top of that, because this must be completed within (10) days.
Finn came into our bedroom while Ryan was at work the other day and was carrying his sippy cup by his teeth. He grabbed it with his hands while he asked, "Mom remember when Colum used to do this?". I melted. The very next day he came in making that clucking sound when you put your tongue to the top of your mouth and said, "I remember Colum always doing this". I always talk to him about Colum and point out things that remind me of Colum and he always says "oh yeah" or "uh-huh". I'd given up hope of him initiating a memory he had of his own like this. It's been over 7 months since he's seen and played with his baby brother and I don't want him to ever forget him. We are so grateful Finn didn't get badly hurt in the accident. I'm so glad he still has a chance at a normal life and doesn't have to suffer physical pain.
Things will get better. Deep down I know they will, they have to. Just a little bump in the road.