::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

7.27.2012

Insight

Over the past 6 weeks I find myself feeling overwhelmed again.  I push myself to go about my day and get the usual daily adult tasks done: pay bills, laundry, work, take care of Finn, shower, physical therapy, grocery store, cook, and clean.  Everyday my body slams full force into a wall, I can't move, I can't think, everything completely shuts down.  I have to lay down.  It takes everything I have to make it to my bed.  I have to tell Finn, "I'm sorry Mom needs to lay down.  ...I can't do that  ...please go watch a show for a little while.  ...Mommy is so tired and I'm so sorry."  After he leaves my bedroom I usually start to cry.  I get so frustrated.  I try and strategically plan out my days so I don't wear myself too thin, but somehow I always do.  Sometimes I call and cry to Ryan because he's the only human on this earth who really understands what this feels like.  I have tried to explain this to other people and I know they don't really hear me.  I don't want to be anything special or an over-achiever, I just want to be Finn's Mom and Ryan's wife.  I want to focus on myself.  My physical and emotional healing, so I can take care of them and that is really all that matters to me right now.  


I went to the Dr 8 days ago.  She walked in the room shaking her head in disbelief.  She told me, I was never aloud to ever go off of my thyroid medicine like that again.  She was blown away by what my test results showed.  She said (there are multiple tests for thyroid levels and I don't know what this one was but it's clearly different than the one that was tested a couple months ago) ...that an optimal test result is a level of 0.4, so if you are a 3 you are a low, if you are a 10 you are really low, I was 194!  The higher the number the lower you are.  She doubled the dose I was taking and told me it will take several months for my thyroid to catch up... this explains the 10, turned 12 pound weight gain grrrr, but I'm down 3 at least.  This also explains why I'm so tired and probably why my body completely shuts down.  I think being handicap also plays a huge part in my body shutting down.  Somebody on meth hitting you head on can turn a 30 year old into a 75 year old in seconds flat.  I just recently realized that I walk slow like an elderly person recently while I was out with the girls one night.  We all got out of the same car and before I knew it most of the girls were very far ahead of me... I couldn't catch or keep up with them.  Luckily somebody stayed back with me but I had NO IDEA I was still that different from everybody else.  This doesn't make me sad but it does hurt that I still can't race Finn to the front door.  I know things will get better with time.  And I know that I will fight to the end to be as normal as possible.  


I'm putting it in writing that I/we will be declining all social events for a while.  We need to rest.  We need to be together.  We need to heal and use up everything extra that we have on Finn and then some.  I'm focusing on getting all my ducks in a row so I can hopefully get pregnant and give him some more siblings to enjoy.  So please take no offense to it.


I think that in my mind I've come so far from where I was that I'm perfectly content and so thrilled to be walking and wiping my own ass.  One night recently after Ryan and I had put Finn to bed and just started our show, I got a phone call from out of state and so we paused it because I thought I'd answer it really quick.  It was from a woman I used to know that had moved away a few years ago that was in town and just heard about our accident.  I don't know what she'd heard, and she told me how sorry she was.  I began to get teary eyed and then she started telling me how she'd been in a very bad accident herself.  Every one in her car was okay, except she broke her left hand.  I vaguely remembered her telling me about her hand years ago but only remember it being a finger or two.  Ryan sat there, tv show paused as this woman explained how difficult her life was because of her broken hand.  How hard it was with her 2 living breathing children with her broken hand.  I asked her if she knew my entire body had been broken and she replied "oh, honey I know just listen".  Then she told me how she couldn't even do dishes.  The conversation went on for about 30-45 min and I wish I would have ended it about 2 min in.  I know that in her heart she meant well.  I wish her nothing but the best.  But what I really wanted to say was, "well at least you could wipe your own ass".  It took 2 people to put me on a bedpan and it hurt like hell to roll over and sit on the damn thing.  Pooping, no matter where you are in the hospital, well it's a party.  It's a party if you poop everybody literally celebrates and gives high fives and you really feel special.  Then it took 2 people to roll me off the bed pan and then one of the 2 had the privilege to wipe my ass for me.  Some would do a half decent job.  Most however would not.  I'd be laying there on my side (an experienced ass wiper to 2 boys), and "ask them to really get up in there, cause I like to be clean".  It is the most humiliating and humbling experience I've ever had.  I couldn't wipe my own ass for about 5 weeks.  There were multiple times I was told our insurance was going to send me home and my friends were gonna have to come to the hospital to learn how to work the hoyer lift, and roll me on the bed pan and then wipe my ass for me.  Yup, I was absolutely terrified.  Can you imagine having your friends wipe your ass for you?  It doesn't get much worse than that.  


So when you are feeling down.  When you think you have it bad.  Ask yourself, "Can I wipe my own ass?"... & just remember that there is a hospitals full of people who can't.  Hopefully, you will be able to at least have a laugh.  Things always get better, but sometimes you just have to work really hard at it.

30 comments:

  1. You crack me up! I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to need someone else to wipe my ass. You are a trooper! Your blog posts make me get up and pull up my big girl pants when I think I'm having a bad day.

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  2. Thank you for this. It mad me laugh and is so true. Thank you for inspiring people to try their best and have a joyful attitude in the middle of horrendous circumstances.

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  3. SO true! I broke my leg and was in the hospital after surgery and had to use the bed pan. Oh my god. The worst. SO humbling.
    You are AMAZING!!!

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  4. "Can I wipe my own ass?" THAT my dear, is going on my bathroom mirror in vinyl lettering so I can be so wonderfully reminded from the moment I wake up just how wonderful my life is and how blessed my family is. I have to confess, as I am sure many of us can, that I have had my selfish moments thinking that I have it bad just because something so petty went wrong in my day, when really I am blessed beyond words. I think we all have these faulty moments of unrealistic thinking and I am blown away by your class in dealing with such a hard conversation. Not sure that I could have remained as humble as you apparently did.

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  5. ugh, what was that woman thinking?? obviously she has never read your blog because trust me, anyone who has read your story would be thankful to have one working hand and all of their loved ones close enough to hug. ugh! you are so smart to stop social things for awhile. i am sending love and strength your way. i love your precious colum.

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  6. very good point about the ass wiping! i'm sorry you have been so tired lately. yes, taking care of your own need to rest should be a high priority. hang in there. love and hugs.

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  7. I know exactly what you mean about wiping your own ass!! I was in a coma for 3 weeks and well to make a long story short, I came home before I could wipe my own and I had to have my mom wipe my butt. There I was 30 something years old, laying on the bed with my legs up just like when you change a poopy diaper and my mom was wiping my butt! But then again I think any Mom would do that.

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  8. Oh Kelly ... I am laughing but feeling so horrible for doing so. I worked at a rest home in high school and was always so grateful I didn't have to have someone change my diapers as a grown up. Some people have no common sense to figure out that a broken body and broken hand are not comparable. You should have just hung up on her :) good for you guys taking a break to heal some more. Everyone should understand that.

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  9. Thanks for the laugh. I love your sense of humor.
    Hang in there! YOU are your first priority, you will not hurt others feelings by doing so.
    Everyone will understand.
    I think about you often and pray for you recovery and your heart. You have endured more than I
    can even comprehend. It will get easier.

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  10. Kelly,
    You are amazing. I know what it is to suffer your terrible emotional pain but to do that whilst trying to recover from your physical injuries is so so hard. I hope you can take it easy and rest up, your body has done so well to come this far and I know you're a strong lady with so much determination, you'll get there.
    Sending you love,
    Fiona

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  11. I really can't fathom everything you've had to endure physically and emotionally this past year. I am so sorry that you and Ryan have even had to go through any of this. But you are such a hard worker and I know you'll reach your goals and be the wife and mother you want to be again. You're not laying down and giving up; you're working your butt off to get better. You really are an inspiration to so many people. Take it easy and take care of yourself. I really hope you feel good these next few weeks... keep us posted!

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  12. This seriously made me laugh! I wasn't laughing at you, it is just so true what you said! Something so 'simple' and stupid, yet it's such a big deal and we don't realize how thankful we should be! Haha.
    I admire you. You have gone through hell and back, and I think you are doing great the way you are. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be still recovering (physically and emotionally) from such a terrible accident. Bravo Kelly. You rock!!!

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  13. I don't think that I have ever read anything LESS funny. My heart breaks when I read about all that you have and continue to go through. As soon as that women told you "just listen" that is the moment you should have just hung up on her. It seems like the last thing you need is to talk to people who bring you down.

    Just ignore this paragraph if you already know this but, it must have been your thyroid sensing hormone (TSH) that was high. I had that problem a few years ago. When your thyroid is not producing enough hormone, your pitutary gland knows and keeps sending it signals to produce more. If your thyroid does not respond then the TSH in your body keeps getting higher and higher. Hopefully soon you won't be so tired. And you didn't mention it, but I had terrible "brain fog" too.

    My best thoughts and wishes to you.

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  14. This made me laugh as well. One thing I do know that I bet your ass was more pleasant to wipe then a woman in an assisted living where I did my clinicals. She was probably in her 50's/60's and was so obese (probably the reason while she was there) that it literally took an army to roll her over. I felt bad for the girl that had to wipe her. Seriously, had her arm up in her ass about to her elbow to get in there. I wanted to puke. You amaze me girl! Keep up the good work!

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  15. Just wanted to echo what others have already said: 1) that lady sucked (maybe her heart was in the right place, but her brain obviously was not) 2) I hate that you have to go through so many difficulties...I wish we could just make it better so you can have all the babies you want and all the strength & energy to take care of them 3) I'm so glad I haven't had to have anyone wipe me since I was probably about 3 and so glad that you no longer have to either AND 4) I love you! Hope you start feeling better with your new dose and can get back on track to all that you want to accomplish.

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  16. I have nothing to say that would sound right, other then we are all here to listen. I truly cant imagine what you are/have gone thru and will never pretend to.

    2yrs ago my husband and I (and my ex husband) were sued by my own mother and my husbands father. 6 suits were filed against us that we had to drain all of our savings for, borrow money, you name it... just to get these sick people off our back and out of our childrens lives. We finally did it, but truly no one understands what we went thru emotionally and the tole it took on us. That is something I can relate to with you. NO ONE can understand unless they have walked in your shoes.

    I wish you nothing but the best!

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  17. I have to say that I didn't laugh while reading this. I cried. I can't begin to say I know how you are feeling but I will say this, my heart feels pain for you but I also such gratitude for what I am and who I have in my life. You are an amazing person. I have not, and probably will never, meet you but that doesn't stop me from hurting with you. I held a little guy in church today and all I could think of was how much he looked like your little Colum. You have touched my life, not because of your tragedy but because of your life. Your honesty is refreshing whether it is when you are describing your tragedy, your life since, your gratitude and yes especially those challenges you face. You are in my prayers and the prayers of so many other people. Take care!

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  18. When your hormones are out of whack, you just can't expect to function very normally, and clearly yours were way out of whack. It's great that your doctor has you on the proper regimen of thyroid medication. It must have been awfully tough to just go cold turkey like that--sounds like some misguided advice. I hope you will feel better every day until you are restored to the level of energy you need to do what you want to do and feel much better. It's so good that you know your limitations about social interaction. Just do what you want to do, with whom, when you are ready. (What am I saying? I expect you'll do just that!)

    I am so sorry there are folks out there who are walking around without one clue! I'm really sorry you got caught up in a lame conversation with one of them. Other people are probably sick and tired of listening to her gripe about her sorry self, and she felt she had a captive audience. I fear you are too nice. "Gotta go," is definitely a useful phrase.

    Finally, you "know what matters." The ability to wipe one's own is the gold standard test to determine just how fortunate we are. The things we take for granted are probably the most important to be grateful for. Love you lots! Thank you for giving us all perspective and take good care of you and yours.

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  19. Sending you blessings of healing, strength, love, rest, peace, and procreative powers very soon. You have definitely been called to experience difficulties (which our souls want so that we can progress to greater levels of knowledge and experience) and to show the rest of us the way of endurance and grace. I appreciate you! xoxo

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  20. I am glad your sense of humor is still in tact my friend! Take care of yourself and take all the time you need. BE SELFISH! Be kind to yourself.
    On another note: which thyroid med are you on? You may want to look into (you probably already have) armor thyroid or nature thyroid. I think both are good options.
    Kelly-- I still pray for you everyday. Give yourself time and anyone who isn't willing to give you time... isn't worth your time... know what I mean?
    Natalie

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  21. HUGE HUGS Kelly!!!! Take care of yourself dear. How I wish I lived closer to you, I would love to be able to help you!! But I don't :( so my prayers, love and support is all I can offer <3

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  22. Gotta love your candor (believe me, I DO!!) You have heard it time and time again, I am sure, but I will say it again, be kind to yourself. Say no. Ask for help (even if it has to do with bathroom routines...) and most importantly, take it one breath at a time. One moment at a time. That is all you can do. It is all any of us can do.
    And when someone calls and they start blathering on and on tell them you "gotta go!" And if they don't get it, hang up the damn phone. Time is too precious to waste.

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  23. Love love loved this. Still laughing to myself about your last few phrases. So true. Someone always has it worse. Needed this today(: You are such an inspiration to us all...even when you couldn't wipe your own ass.

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  24. I'm sorry you have had a rough 6 weeks. If there's anything I can do to help you, please let me know. I'm just a phone call away! I don't blame you guys for taking a break and spending time together as a family and to heal more....and to make babies!!!! You're a very strong and special lady to keep pushing yourself like you are to get things done and feel some what good about it. You have to take time for you and your family! When you're up to get out of the house for a bit, let me know. I'd like to meet somewhere by you and go to lunch with you and Finn so we can have a Birthday lunch.
    Continue to stay strong!

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  25. Thanks for the Laugh! Also thanks for putting things into perspective. Sometimes I get focused on crazy little things and today this was exactly what I needed to read!

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  26. Kelly,
    I have been following your post since Feb. You have been through so much. It is so hard for people to understand, you are definitely suffering from ptsd. Besides everything else, the thyroid is a major contributor of depression. My count at one time was 185...I didn't see color anymore, I couldn't think or do anything. It was a very dark time, but and a big but, I can't imagine having that thyroid problem and dealing with your situation. God bless you Kelly....love your sense of humor. Keep the faith. I pray for peace for your family:)

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  27. Last night I visited your blog and watched Colum's funeral video. I lost it and was crying and so heartbroken thinking about your family. I sat there and cannot even imagine how hard it is to go through- my 19 month old son really resembles him. What a terrible thing. I didn't think that I'd be able to visit your blog again because it was so hard for me to handle. Of course it is a million times harder for you to think about and deal with, considering that I am a stranger and you are his parents. Then something happened last night that I decided to share with you today. As I was praying for your family (and for me to calm down), I got a distinct thought/feeling. The message was, "Colum's little body died, but his spirit is VERY much alive and well." Who knows, you probably already know or have felt this, but an amazing thing happened when I realized that. It has to be so heart wrenching and physically horrible to miss holding and seeing him, but I can testify that his sweet spirit is so strong and very much alive. God Bless you- your family is incredible.

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  28. I'm sorry but I couldn't help but laugh at your ass wiping story! It's not funny that you had to go through that, but it's funny how you tell the story. I feel for you and know that nothing I've been through can compare to your pain. Therefore, all I'm going to say is that I'm thinking of you and keeping you, Ryan & Finn in our prayers. <3

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  29. I hear ya with the ass-wiping bit! First... so sorry that you had to endure how it even feels to be that helpless. Second... I have not yet been an ass-wipee, but have been an ass-wiper. At a young 60 yrs old my mom-in-law had a severe stroke & I (at 28 and with a 1-yr-old in tow) became her round-the-clock caregiver as she lived with us for five months while she recovered. This involved wiping her after toilet and also cleaning her crack in the shower for a couple months. I laughed when you said "really get up in there!" I found true love with my M-I-L, let me tell ya. But no really i did... i learned a new lesson about unconditonal love & we would laugh together most days at the circumstance because it's about all we could do. Not trying to toot my jorn about neing a caregiver hero but your story reminds me about how I learned a tiny glimpse of what true humility & helplessness might feel like. Where another is responsible for your total well-being. You are remarkable the way you have plowed through this enormous life change. I totally stand behind & applaud your decision to withdraw a little. You know exactly what you & your family need! Someday though even though I still don't know you I am dying to give you: #1 A hug and #2 A big pot of my homemade chicken noodle soup. Much love & well-wishes for you & yours, Alisa (by the way I started following your instagram, I hope that's all right. I am laqueese)

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  30. Kelly, it is 2 AM and I have been blog hopping and found your blog and have read back many posts. I am so sorry for the terrible accident you were in with your sweet family and the loss of your baby, Colum. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I do want to share a thank you for your writing your experiences. This post struck a chord with the wiping of my own ass. I really needed this. Last year, my husband was unfaithful and how hard it has been to continue on, to try to forgive, to have such big feeling of sadness and loss for what I thought would be my life. Living with the unexpected and unplanned and yuck of life. Trying to continue on and rise above and be a good mom to my 5 kids, it is really hard. So your question of "Can I wipe my own ass?" is just the kick I need and a bit of a laugh too, I will make it and I can deal with these life experiences that I did not want.

    I will hug my babies a bit tighter and try to be more present in my life to appreciate my blessing I have with them. Life is so hard. Thank you for your words and your sharing.

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