Over the past 6 weeks I find myself feeling overwhelmed again. I push myself to go about my day and get the usual daily adult tasks done: pay bills, laundry, work, take care of Finn, shower, physical therapy, grocery store, cook, and clean. Everyday my body slams full force into a wall, I can't move, I can't think, everything completely shuts down. I have to lay down. It takes everything I have to make it to my bed. I have to tell Finn, "I'm sorry Mom needs to lay down. ...I can't do that ...please go watch a show for a little while. ...Mommy is so tired and I'm so sorry." After he leaves my bedroom I usually start to cry. I get so frustrated. I try and strategically plan out my days so I don't wear myself too thin, but somehow I always do. Sometimes I call and cry to Ryan because he's the only human on this earth who really understands what this feels like. I have tried to explain this to other people and I know they don't really hear me. I don't want to be anything special or an over-achiever, I just want to be Finn's Mom and Ryan's wife. I want to focus on myself. My physical and emotional healing, so I can take care of them and that is really all that matters to me right now.
I went to the Dr 8 days ago. She walked in the room shaking her head in disbelief. She told me, I was never aloud to ever go off of my thyroid medicine like that again. She was blown away by what my test results showed. She said (there are multiple tests for thyroid levels and I don't know what this one was but it's clearly different than the one that was tested a couple months ago) ...that an optimal test result is a level of 0.4, so if you are a 3 you are a low, if you are a 10 you are really low, I was 194! The higher the number the lower you are. She doubled the dose I was taking and told me it will take several months for my thyroid to catch up... this explains the 10, turned 12 pound weight gain grrrr, but I'm down 3 at least. This also explains why I'm so tired and probably why my body completely shuts down. I think being handicap also plays a huge part in my body shutting down. Somebody on meth hitting you head on can turn a 30 year old into a 75 year old in seconds flat. I just recently realized that I walk slow like an elderly person recently while I was out with the girls one night. We all got out of the same car and before I knew it most of the girls were very far ahead of me... I couldn't catch or keep up with them. Luckily somebody stayed back with me but I had NO IDEA I was still that different from everybody else. This doesn't make me sad but it does hurt that I still can't race Finn to the front door. I know things will get better with time. And I know that I will fight to the end to be as normal as possible.
I'm putting it in writing that I/we will be declining all social events for a while. We need to rest. We need to be together. We need to heal and use up everything extra that we have on Finn and then some. I'm focusing on getting all my ducks in a row so I can hopefully get pregnant and give him some more siblings to enjoy. So please take no offense to it.
I think that in my mind I've come so far from where I was that I'm perfectly content and so thrilled to be walking and wiping my own ass. One night recently after Ryan and I had put Finn to bed and just started our show, I got a phone call from out of state and so we paused it because I thought I'd answer it really quick. It was from a woman I used to know that had moved away a few years ago that was in town and just heard about our accident. I don't know what she'd heard, and she told me how sorry she was. I began to get teary eyed and then she started telling me how she'd been in a very bad accident herself. Every one in her car was okay, except she broke her left hand. I vaguely remembered her telling me about her hand years ago but only remember it being a finger or two. Ryan sat there, tv show paused as this woman explained how difficult her life was because of her broken hand. How hard it was with her 2 living breathing children with her broken hand. I asked her if she knew my entire body had been broken and she replied "oh, honey I know just listen". Then she told me how she couldn't even do dishes. The conversation went on for about 30-45 min and I wish I would have ended it about 2 min in. I know that in her heart she meant well. I wish her nothing but the best. But what I really wanted to say was, "well at least you could wipe your own ass". It took 2 people to put me on a bedpan and it hurt like hell to roll over and sit on the damn thing. Pooping, no matter where you are in the hospital, well it's a party. It's a party if you poop everybody literally celebrates and gives high fives and you really feel special. Then it took 2 people to roll me off the bed pan and then one of the 2 had the privilege to wipe my ass for me. Some would do a half decent job. Most however would not. I'd be laying there on my side (an experienced ass wiper to 2 boys), and "ask them to really get up in there, cause I like to be clean". It is the most humiliating and humbling experience I've ever had. I couldn't wipe my own ass for about 5 weeks. There were multiple times I was told our insurance was going to send me home and my friends were gonna have to come to the hospital to learn how to work the hoyer lift, and roll me on the bed pan and then wipe my ass for me. Yup, I was absolutely terrified. Can you imagine having your friends wipe your ass for you? It doesn't get much worse than that.
So when you are feeling down. When you think you have it bad. Ask yourself, "Can I wipe my own ass?"... & just remember that there is a hospitals full of people who can't. Hopefully, you will be able to at least have a laugh. Things always get better, but sometimes you just have to work really hard at it.