::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

7.18.2012

horizon

Finn will be turning 4 on Monday!  When we got in the accident he was still in his crib.  Putting him in a toddler bed is something we planned to do over the Christmas break.  Colum and Finn shared a small bedroom, but it worked.  I would put them both in their cribs during nap time in the afternoon (Finn never climbed out of his crib) and they would jump, laugh, and play secret games with each other for hours until usually Colum fell asleep.  Finn stopped napping completely at way too young of an age.  Most of Colum's clothes are still hanging up in their closet and his pants are still in his drawer.   A few months ago I took the sheets and blankets off of Colum's mattress and put them in a tupperware bin to preserve his sweet, little smell that I sometimes get a whiff of when I walk into their room.  His last bottle is still lying on the bare mattress in their room and has his dirty finger prints beautifully painted by his sticky hands during his last nap there.


While we were in the hospital Finn slept at his Aunt Bobbi and Uncle Kevin's house (thank you).  They made Finn his very own room and he's been in a toddler bed ever since then.  My friend JaNae is giving us her boys' old bunk beds and even driving down to set them up for us tomorrow (amazing friend I know, thank you JaNae).  Ryan and I always talked about getting them bunk beds as soon as we found out Colum was a boy in utero.  Finn would be on top since he was the oldest and Colum would be on the bottom.  They would secretly stay up late and talk or play games when they were supposed to be asleep.  Just as they had in their cribs.  I try and talk to Finn about how they used to always do that trying to somehow engrave that favorite memory of mine into his mind.  I remember that time of day so well.  It was my break, although I usually worked, it was my time.  Colum would get that sneaky grin on his face as I handed him his bottle and put the softest blanket I could find on top of him and another along the side of his face.  He couldn't hide how he also looked forward to that time of day as well, the games they played, I never saw them but he made Finn laugh.  They would both laugh and laugh, lots of jumping, but Colum would do something that I will never know that made Finn laugh harder than anything.  They used to play all day long.  They were Brothers and they truly were the best of friends.  


For a moment, I didn't know if my heart could handle bunk beds.  But it's not about my heart, it's about a little boy who is turning 4.  And what 4 year old doesn't want bunk beds?  We may have to take down Colum's crib, and I bought bins today to put his clothes and some of his old toys in.  Hopefully this is the beginning of a new horizon for us.   I really hope I can manage to get through the emotional turmoil of dejunking and all the memories that will follow.   Memories are welcome and they are a strange combination of joy and pain.  Most happiness comes with a sting.  


I go to the Dr tomorrow.  I'm excited to discuss how we are going to get my body working again.  I hope that it starts soon.  I'm taking a lot of suggestions into consideration.  Particularly a gluten-free diet.  It's the only thing I haven't tried :).  I'm doing my research and I think it may be the ticket.  Thank you for all your helpful comments.  And for everybody with Hashimotos &/or PCOS I will keep you posted.

15 comments:

  1. Ohhh, so many sweet memories of best brother friends. I hope you keep telling us stories about Colum and the sunshine he brought into your home and heart. Good luck with finding the right diet for your bod! I have finally gone to basically a paleo diet, keeping my fruits, veggies, nuts and seeds all raw but cooking the meat. As we get older (im 32) and after having babies, our bodies just can't take refined food, even grains, and gluten, and of course we all know that refined sugar is worse than crack!! If you allow yourself to cheat occasionally than its do-able. By the way, im arrowsmithchic on instagram. Love all your darling photos.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Happy early birthday to Finn! Sending hugs and love while you go through the boys' room. We sure would love to see Finn in his cool new bed!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This post is beautiful and precious beyond description. Happy Birthday to your precious Finn. Much love to your sweet family.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Forgot to say - Happy 4th Birthday to that beautiful boy of yours! What a special kid. Hope he is spoiled ROTTEN.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Memories like those are the best...just to hear them giggling and playing while in their room and in their cribs. Mine do the same and I love it! I hope that Finn will one day remember some of the things that him and Colum would do together with you telling him. That will be special! I hope your sting won't be too painful but you're right about the happiness. I'm crossing my fingers that your Dr app will go great and you'll get the news your wanting!
    Finn, Happy early 4th Birthday!! Mine's a week after yours, maybe we should get together and go have a birthday lunch and I'll bring Colt and Mackenzie and you guys can play!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I admire the way you are taking your time on packing Colum's things up - that you still have his crib there with his toys, clothes and bottle. It's so important to do things on your own schedule and when you are able to handle each step and the emotions that go with it. God bless you Kelly, and Ryan and Finn. "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

    ReplyDelete
  7. YOu are an amazing mom...so brave...HUGS, lots of HUGS.

    Meredith in TN.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Still praying for you guys daily-- you are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Birthday to your Sweet little boy! I also admire you taking your time and truly doing things when YOU feel ready. I can't imagine the heartache of having to pack up my childs belongings. I also have PCOS and have been considering going gluten-free. Can't wait to see an updated post if that is what you decide to do and how it helps.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Finn won't forget those special memories and play time with his brother. Colum will not let him forget. They will still play together during Finn's dreams. Finn will always remember his special hero of a brother. I hope Finn has a great birthday and loves his bunk bed! Sending prayers your way as you go through Colum's stuff. I can't imagine how hard that would be. I hope it's spiritual and comforting. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Bunk beds will be so fun! And for sleepovers too. So sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy Birthday Finn! He is the sweetest boy. He will love his bunk beds! I know what you mean, when you have your second and you see the relationship developing between siblings you didn't know what you were missing. When Kairo and Penny play together it's my favorite thing, they share a room too and those sneaky after hours moments just make me laugh to myself. I'm so glad you have these sweet memories and I hope you have lots of that coming up again. It must be so difficult to even think of packing up Columns things. Each step you take towards moving forward has to be so hard but you do it somehow. Good Luck at the Doctors!

    p.s. In relation to the last few posts. I have a confession to make. I cry like a baby and start shaking every time I get pulled over. It completely freaks me out and I have no good reason. I've escaped atleast 3 tickets because of this, I must have lucked out and got nice cops. I also have a sister who's been in a number of wrecks and she just wont drive, at all. So I think it's pretty amazing that you can even get yourself into a car right now, and that you didn't have a complete breakdown and go ballistic after that recent car wreck, you're doing great. Honestly, you can just get out of bed in the morning and you'd be impressing me but you go WAY above and beyond :) Lots of love to you Kelly (sorry about the novel)

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm thinking you will fill up those bunk beds and maybe, with time, even outgrow your house!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Paleo is the way to go! I have been researching it for a couple of years and we finally did a "Whole 30" challenge back in April. It was amazing for my body! Whole 30 is a stricter version of paleo but it's only for 30 days. www.whole9life.com
    i have read countless stories of women with fertility problems that resolved after eliminating gluten, grains, sugars, and processed foods from their diet. I had no idea how bad all those things were for me until I cut them out, and then later, re-introduced them again. That made all my previous health issues come back even worse than they were before.

    Keep us updated on that. :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Happy birthday, Finn! In the last month, my 1 y.o., Owen, will follow Finn, my 2 1/2 y.o. up to his room. They get that same sneaky look as they climb/crawl up the stairs, and in no time they are both in Finn's toddler bed bouncing and giggling (Owen holds onto the rails and try really hard to bounce but gets no air). It breaks my heart to think if those giggles and games stopped and it makes me cry for you.

    By the way, I was so ticked about your run-in with that policeman, and he got ticked just listening to me relay the story. He's not much of a traffic cop fan either, and he said he hopes you file a complaint.

    I've also been on a gluten-free diet, and I found that it helps my PCOS symptoms as well as my moods, complexion, and energy. I went off of it just to see if that was something that really was making a difference or just in my head, and gluten-free SO makes a difference for me. Good luck! I hope you find something that works for you! Sorry for the long comment.

    ReplyDelete