Ryan took the day off for Colum's Birthday and we spent the morning watching our "never before watched family videos" all curled up as a family in our bed. We bought a new video camera before Cabo (I can't believe how cheap they are now btw), but before that Ry had bought and paid big bucks for a top of the line video camera when we were dating, so all Colum videos aren't digital....they are on video tape. The battery lasts what seems like 20 minutes. It seems like I went to buy that with him only yesterday and I think he paid about $1500 for the thing! I'm so glad we had it though. There were so many treasured videos of Finn and Colum. A lot more of Colum than I remembered which was so so so joyous. But it made me more baby hungry than ever before. The loud, eager breaths baby's make while trying to roll over. The way they flap their arms and legs excitedly up and down. Colum would open and close his hands really fast when he got excited. I'd totally forgotten about that. I remember even being a little concerned and asked his Pediatrician if it was any sort of 'tick' because he did it so much. Their little hands learning to grasp objects. His laugh, oh his laugh. Ryan and I make very happy babies. The giggles, smiles, snickers and snorts that come out of them are bountiful. We have several minutes of Colum sitting next to his (late) Grandpa Pack. It's extremely special because it's close to right before Grandpa died. Colum was sitting next to him on the couch for a good 10 minutes. He'd just look up and they'd stare at eachother... just stare for an oddly long time. Grandpa had alzheimer's and Colum didn't hold still for very long because he was about 13 months old. But, it was almost like they knew. Or Colum knew. Colum had Grandpa's blue eyes. Grandpa wasn't able to hold him, he just kinda kept his arm out while Colum sat closely next to him in his little nook. Grandpa's alzheimer's was a little different because you could tell he knew who we all were. I wrote a post shortly after his death here. Colum is buried on top of Grandpa which gives me comfort that he's not alone. He didn't get buried all by himself waiting for Mom and Dad to join him someday... he's with Grandpa. It was comforting to have that. Burying your baby is so hard. The tiny little casket. The tiny rectangle of dirt that we visited often, now has green grass growing over it.
I'm so happy to announce that his headstone is up! The stone had to be shipped from India and it took several months. The nicest people ever helped us with our sweet babies headstone and busted their butts to get it in by his Birthday. The stone arrived a couple days before and it was put in & finished at 8pm the night of his 2nd Birthday. It was a happy ending to a very hard day (thanks Chris and Carissa)! It turned out to be more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. You don't understand how hard designing a headstone for your child is until you actually have to do it. It's something that will be there forever. You want to capture the essence of your baby in a piece of stone. We put a picture of him on the front. Every time you start to look at pictures you begin to cry. You see old photos and talk about old memories and your heart aches, your arms ache and you have to just put the photos away because you can't take it anymore. Essentially you make no progress because all you do is cry. And then you can't sleep because you really want it to be something so great and perfect but progress is impossible. I had an alarm set on my phone that said headstone that went off everyday to remind me to work or think about it. It was just so easy to put in the back of my mind because it was so difficult. But, now that it's done... I'm so happy! I'm so excited to visit it and talk to his picture and his name and not an unmarked plot of grass. There's a poem on the back that I put together while getting my last pedicure. I didn't think it would make me emotional. I sat there by myself surrounded by strangers with my ipad bawling my eyes out. I could tell the lady next to me wanted to ask me what was wrong but her instincts told her I didn't need her to. Ryan picked out the dove on the back and it's perfect.
The flower was difficult because we wanted something simple and more modern to go with the dove. Carissa helped and found a selection for me to choose from. The daisy was perfection. It's simple and he held one in his hand during the viewing. It also reminded us of how last summer he picked off every single flower that bloomed in our yard. You turned your back for one second and the beautiful plant with the beautiful blooms on it was a mere shadow it once was. Colum picked all the flower heads off and just left a trail of them behind as he was moving onto the next. It was so frustrating but... so him and we'd always chuckle and still do, it brings a smile to my face just thinking about it.
A special thanks to all of you who came to the 5k on Saturday. I think at least 100 people showed up. It was great to see so many familiar and new faces. I love you all. And to everybody who couldn't make it, thank you for thinking of us. Try and make it next year! We are getting really excited and have spoken to a few people who know what they are doing who want to help us, so it will be very very special! And you have a whole year to get in shape for it!
|Colum's Toy Story Birthday cake. I never could tell whom he preferred, Woody or Buzz so I put both on there.|
|Some pics from the 5k. I have several more on my camera that is out of batteries. I may post more later. It turned out beautiful. (this is an instagram pic; if you'd like to follow me I'm Packx4).|
|Back of the headstone|
|front of the headstone... his picture hasn't been siliconed in yet but will be very soon. I love it!|
This is one of my favorite videos I found of Colum. I put a mirror, this mirror in both of my boy's cribs. They would flirt with themselves for hours. Colum had been in here flirting after he'd woken up from his nap and I caught the tail end of it. It's kinda small so blow it up and watch him smile at himself and then do a double take at himself. Oh I miss this little guy! (That's Finn in his terrible two's that you can hear in the background.)
|Another gift from the Keddington's! She followed through on her own idea and blew this picture up and put it on canvas. I hung it in the boys room. Love love it! Thanks Angela!|