::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


walk and hair update

Here is the link on Facebook if you'd like to know more info on the walk for Colum's Birthday.  I'm pretty terrible at Facebook, I don't know how to do the simplest things.  I'm sorry it took me so long to post it.  Also, I'm expecting a 75% chance of being a raging bawl baby, or if I'm not bawling on the outside, I will probably be broken into 10 trillion pieces on the inside.  Don't have high expectations if you are going to be meeting me for the first time.  I'm really just a mess and on this day I will probably be a bigger mess than usual.  But, please come say hi...knowing that I'm a mess.  And don't you worry about being in last place because there's a huge chance that will be us :)

Also, I need to do an update on my hair situation.  It stopped falling out so there's a little bit left on my head.  The little bit I have is extremely frizzy and weird.  I've been using Ovation Hair Therapy and love it!  Especially when I keep the treatment in overnight.  It really helps my hair that I have look so much better and fuller.  I ordered it, completely planning on sending it back but I'm not.  If you have extremely thin hair, I recommend it.  It comes with a money back guarantee!  I also ordered a Halo from Halo Hair Extensions in the UK.  (Thanks to some one who commented on this blog!!!)  I really like it for several reasons.  1). It's easy to put in & take out.  2). It totally stays curled so I don't have to curl it very often. 3). It looks natural.  4). I don't have to wash it very often. 5). Better than a wig. 6). The hair is good quality and it shipped really fast!

What I don't like is 1). It's really hard for me to get used to. 2). I have to adjust it by pushing it down every hour or so.  3).  I can't really pull it back in a pony tail or wear it half up.  4). I feel like people are staring at me even though they are probably not.  5). I can't wear it straight because my real hair is so frizzy and the halo is normal hair and it looks strange.  6). It's just not the same as having your own hair.

I have to get ready to take Finn to the Children's Museum with friends.  I'm excited cause we've never been!  I've been an emotional ball of tears all week, so I hope this will cheer me up and put me in a happy Mommy place.  I also get extreme anxiety driving on the freeway for obvious reasons.  Last time I drove to the 'big Salt Lake City' (going to a Dr's apt) I was driving in the middle lane on the freeway.  I put my blinker on to change lanes carefully watching a woman who was on her cell phone 2 lanes over.  Luckily I had my eye on her because she wasn't paying attention and didn't put her blinker on and started to pull over in the same lane I was getting into.  I honked and over corrected a little while swerving back into my lane.  I had a full on panic attack, started crying, and kept telling myself out loud that 'I was never driving again and I can't drive again'.  I was already a very paranoid driver and now I cry when stuff like this happens.  I basically can't even handle it.  I have NO idea how Ryan drives to work everyday.  I suppose I will always be a super crazy paranoid driver whenever I'm driving over 40 mph.  I sorta honk a lot more than your average person as well.  "It's like I think I'm in New York or something", Ryan always says.  ...I can't help it.  Wish me luck.  At least I'm full of titanium rods and I'm pretty sure those bones can't be re-broken again :).


  1. I don't blaim you for hating to drive. I would too. So happy your hair has stopped falling out. Do you think it will start growing back? I will check out the facebook page for Colum's walk...would love to be there. Have fun at the Children's Museum...we love it there!

  2. Kelly...you make me laugh...titanium rods....LOL. I love the humor you use to get thru any situation! Being scared to drive is a normal fear after what you have been thru. But I know you, you will keep facing your fears! I bet Finn will LOVE the museum, that is a great place to go spend some time. I know this month has been very emotional for you. I think about you often....I will never forget....and no one cares if you are a ball of tears at Colum's walk. I have never met you or your family and I still cry about what has happened to you most days. I dont have to be reading your blog to think about Colum or you, Ryan and Finn...HUGS!!

  3. I'm so glad to hear you hair stopped falling out!!! one more thing to check off your list!!!!... I live in St. George & I'm going to try and make down there so I can Join my sister and Walk. Hopefuly my nerves wont get the best of me and I will be able to meet you for the first time. I just hope you don't think I'm a crazy lady for Being a ball of emotion even though I don't know you or your family. It's just Your story has touch my heart and I can't help myself but feel your sarrow. I will be one of the ladies you meet with the poofy eye's ,snot running and crying. Like everyone else you have grown in my heart

  4. Your feelings about driving are so normal. I have been in 5 accidents, non of them my fault. Although non of them were anything near what you have experienced I was terrified to get behind the wheel afterwards. Even years later I hate braking quickly for fear that someone that is following too closely will slam into the back of me. You just have to force yourself to keep getting behind the wheel, it will get easier, though you may always be paranoid.
    So happy to hear that your hair has stopped falling out. I am sure no one is looking at you and you look great.
    Have fun at the Museum, we love it there.

  5. Kelly,

    It was so good to meet you today at the Museum. Your little Finn is absolutely adorable. I hope you didn't think I was a total dork coming up to you. You are such an inspiration to me!!! I have an angel baby named Gage in heaven that was born still in September 2007. I thought what I had to go through was hard until I heard and started following your story. You are truly an inspiration to anyone that you come in contact with. You have such a sweet spirit and when people leave your presence, they are better people. Your little Finn and Column are SO lucky to have you for a mom!! Hang in there!!

  6. Still checking in on you, it starts to feel stalker-like since I still haven't met you, but wow does your writing touch my soul! Your previous post that began w/the Dixie Chicks song... oh that song... it has been a long-time favorite... I know it well yet I read through every lyric you posted as if I've never known it because I read it with your circumstance in mind and was in a bawling fit. I am so happy you have found the song to be therapeutic and that it can bring on those tears that need an out on such a consistent basis. You seem like you are your own therapist. This is only one small reason that I find you to be a very adaptable and incredible person. I've said it before but I mean it: you are inspirational. Your sweet puke boy story made me laugh and cry so hard; you better one day write a book. You might as well compile all of your beautiful blog posts and there you have it. I'm so happy you could "smell Colum" ... wow I can picture myself doing that exact same thing, what a treasure and bless your soul :) I send happy thoughts to you and yours all the time; you have touched mine & my husband's lives for good.