Clearly I would give anything to change the way things happened. When I stumble across pictures of him that I haven't seen in a long time I stare at his eyes. Searching for answers. Did I love him enough the day this picture was taken? Did he know that if something (heaven forbid) ever happened to him that this is what would happen to me? When it happened...did he feel pain? I cry and I cry asking myself these questions. I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I hugged my baby boy. I know one day I will find peace and there will be balance to my grief.
Finn still talks about Colum everyday. I'm discovering that Finn doesn't spill out whatever he's feeling the way his Mom does. I know it's part of his personality, but I don't think it's healthy to hold everything in. I know when I'm not able to be myself, my 100% self I get exhausted. It's really exhausting to be somebody your not. He's still growing. He's 3, almost 4 and he's already a private person. Maybe he will someday be able to express more of his feelings and how this has effected him as he grows older... maybe he won't. It's one of the hardest parts of all of this for me, watching Finn with no Brother. How lonely his world turned that night. Colum was more than just my baby, he was Finn's brother and best friend.
|Playing crack the egg on the tramp.|
|Quality-tramp-time today. I kinda think we look like twins upside down :).|
|Morning "Huggles" ritual.|
|Lunch date, just Finn & I. I wish his freckles would show up in pictures. He's starting to get highlights in his hair from the sun.|
|Ordering flowers for Brother's grave. Our new tradition (Memorial Day).|
|Colum's grave on Memorial Day. No headstone.... but we are getting close!|
|Physical Therapy. That's Ryan in the background. We do this a lot.|