::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Too much

Sometimes I feel like there's not enough balance in my life.  I suppose nobody's life is really balanced.  Life seems to be more of a balancing act... literally.   When I stumble across photos of myself pre-accident I stare at my eyes.  Searching for answers.  Some hint of what it used to feel like to feel normal inside and out.  What I used to consider to be my problems and what used to make me happy.  Before this hell of missing my Son began, who was I?  I complained a lot about how hard it was, but my kids were getting a little bit bigger and it was getting easier.  I'm not afraid to voice what I'm feeling and sometimes I wish I was.  The days, they were only hard until Ryan came home from work and I lived for the weekends.  

Clearly I would give anything to change the way things happened.  When I stumble across pictures of him that I haven't seen in a long time I stare at his eyes.  Searching for answers.  Did I love him enough the day this picture was taken?  Did he know that if something (heaven forbid) ever happened to him that this is what would happen to me?  When it happened...did he feel pain?  I cry and I cry asking myself these questions.  I can't believe it's been almost 6 months since I hugged my baby boy.  I know one day I will find peace and there will be balance to my grief.  

Finn still talks about Colum everyday.  I'm discovering that Finn doesn't spill out whatever he's feeling the way his Mom does.  I know it's part of his personality, but I don't think it's healthy to hold everything in.  I know when I'm not able to be myself, my 100% self I get exhausted.  It's really exhausting to be somebody your not.  He's still growing.  He's 3, almost 4 and he's already a private person.  Maybe he will someday be able to express more of his feelings and how this has effected him as he grows older... maybe he won't.  It's one of the hardest parts of all of this for me, watching Finn with no Brother.  How lonely his world turned that night.  Colum was more than just my baby, he was Finn's brother and best friend.

Playing crack the egg on the tramp.
I've decided that I'm going to start scheduling days off for myself.  I've had a few melt downs lately about having too much on my plate.  I haven't been having enough time to cry.  I'm not really sure how much time I need but I'm giving myself permission to take it.  I'm more concerned about my family and my well being these days.  Finding my new balance is like trying to make up my own recipe.  More of this and less of that.  Too much or too little.  Moving forward, yet still looking backward.  Things are looking up, yet you are feeling down. A little more laughter, a little less sadness.  I need to take time out of my days to spend quality time with Finn.  I want my recipe to have all the right ingredients to be a success.  I want to be able to hand out my recipe to others, so they can enjoy it also.  Today was a perfect success.  After working a little and putting a dent in my stack of hospital bills, we went to lunch just us 2.  Then jumped on our new trampoline that Daddy brought home last night (some one gave it to him, cause they didn't use it anymore).  It's only an 8' tramp, I've never seen one this size.  I didn't know if my legs would be able to actually jump (yet).  My Physical Therapist told me I could try and to just listen to my body.  I was somehow able to stand up from a sitting position after climbing up on the trampoline & jump away.  I taught Finn how to play "crack the egg".  We laughed together at the same things and I don't remember the last time laughing felt this good or even this special .  We made up a 'we got a new tramp dance'.  We took silly pictures and texted them to Daddy.  I know I've said it before but Finn has saved us.  He's such a tender hearted kid who loves everybody.  He's naturally positive and I'm madly deeply in love with him.  I'm so glad he's mine.  He's the best older brother ever and he's one of my best friends.

Quality-tramp-time today.  I kinda think we look like twins upside down :).

Morning "Huggles" ritual.
Lunch date, just Finn & I.  I wish his freckles would show up in pictures.  He's starting to get highlights in his hair from the sun.

Ordering flowers for Brother's grave.  Our new tradition (Memorial Day).

Colum's grave on Memorial Day.  No headstone.... but we are getting close!

Physical Therapy.  That's Ryan in the background.  We do this a lot.


  1. Finn does look exactly like you. He is adorable.You look so pretty in those pix.

  2. I too agree that You and Finn look like twins. adorable! Charlene

  3. I think it's great that you're going to make more time for you and your family. You all need it, you're all still trying to heal. Find your recipe. Great pics of you and Finn! Give it time and maybe one day Finn will express how he feels. Can't wait to see pics of Colum's headstone, I bet it will be beautiful!
    I honestly can't imagine what you're going though, but I do want to tell you that you are a very beautiful person inside and out!
    Have fun Spiderman jumping on your new tramp!! :)

  4. I can't begin to imagine the things you're going through. I'm glad you get to have moments of fun, that you have Ryan and Finn. I wish you could have Colum too! Our family prays for your family daily.

  5. Kelly, I loved reading about your tramp time with Finn. How fun. I wish I could have been there - okay not there, but maybe it would have been cool to be hiding just out of sight, but where I could hear the two of you giggling. And I think you look like twins in those tramp pictures even right side up.
    Love ya!

  6. I have always thought that Finn looks just like you...but I for sure see it "upside down" thats so flippin cute!! Good for you to take time for yourself. I pray for you every day....I hope you feel it. Much hugs!!!


  7. I too check your blog and pray for you daily.
    And I too think about Colum daily.
    Hard to imagine a baby without his Mama, but I picture him floating right above you.
    I like to think a Mama's love is so strong that ALL of him can't go to Heaven.
    You have to be able to keep a piece, until you are BOTH whole again.
    Colum won't be forgotten.
    He lives in the hearts of many.
    Myself included.
    I want to print a picture of him from your blog to put on my refrig.
    But still true.
    Could I?
    I honestly won't without your permission.
    Colum is an angel that reminds me to pause, take it in, smile, love.
    Thanks Colum.

    1. Amy,

      Yes. Of course you can. Thank you for letting him into your heart. It means so so much to me. I'm so happy that Colum could help remind you to do that. I may actually do the same!

    2. Thank you! He really does. I can't tell you how often I think of you each day. Your story and Colum's life are changing people.

  8. Finn is such a beautiful boy! I can see his sweet spirit in your pictures. I am so thankful that he is here with you. I still pray each day for your family. I hope you feel all the love coming to you from all over the country. You are an amazing soul, Kelly.

  9. The photo's of you and Finn were adorable.

  10. I am so glad you and Finn are getting quality Mommy & Finn time. I know it means a lot to him to have those special moments with you. His whole world changed in an instant, but he is a little trooper! I know he will help you heal. I hope you continue to have good days like this.

  11. I never read your posts once. Usually three to four times in a row, making sure I don't miss a thing, & using a half a box of tissues. Colum definitely will never be forgotten. I too want to print his picture and frame it in my house. He's changed me in so many positive ways. I love him. And I love you, Finn and ry. You all have changed me.
    I'm happy you know to slow down, take time for you & your boys. Your recipe will definitely be a well deserved success!

    & Finn has your looks for sure. He's beautiful just like mom.