::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.25.2012

Impact


I recently received an email from a mother via the Kellypack.com blog.  She said that her son just watched Colum's funeral video at a DUI class and came home and told her about it.  She was wondering if there's a way to access it online because she would like to watch it.  I responded and  she said, Thanks so much for your quick response. The video made an impact on my son! I'm so sorry for your loss but your little angel is touching many lives here on earth
may his memory be eternal!

K**** P****
new orleans

(We have the same initials)

New Orleans!  I love the funeral video.  The video for me helps me remember.  During the funeral we both had a nurse by our sides and they were injecting pain meds in our veins, plus we both had morphine pumps.  I had absolutely no idea that they were filming anything of the sorts and neither did Ryan.  I remember Ryan telling me that our friend emailed it to him to okay it before it was released to the public.  For some reason on our ipad's it was incredibly slow and I remember Ryan saying he was only able to watch a little bit but it looked really good.  I didn't bother watching it for a few days or more.  I completely forgot about it for quite a while.  The very beginning was so incredibly hard I'm tearing up as I type this sentence.  I was so used to being a Mom and took all of Colum's snuggles for granted.  I dare say he was one of the most cuddliest children to have walked this earth.  And for that to get ripped from your arms in an instant was traumatic, painful, and a shock to my body and soul.  I had to hold in my emotions because it physically hurt to cry due to broken ribs, internal injuries, and recently being cut open to repair that (I have a zipper).  Every time I would cry my chest would tremble causing excruciating pain signals to my brain, while my swollen broken heart would send a conflicting green light.   I had him email me the link to the video to me and the entire thing played just fine on my phone.  I watched it roughly 50x's a day at least.  I was able to relive the most horrible day over and over.  Normally, you don't want to do that but it's so beautiful.  I particularly like the 1st half because I get to see him.  I didn't know I was going to get to hold him.  He felt different.  I can't describe the feeling of when they closed his casket.  I wish I didn't have to be on morphine during my baby's funeral.  We sang Itsy Bitsy Spider because he loved that song.  I went to my 1st parent teacher conference a few weeks ago and the teacher told me that was Finn's favorite song.  It's 6 months today since we had to take the cuddliest boy in the world off life support. 

A special thanks to Kenny Bozich, and Josh Waldron for making that video.  It's being shown at DUI classes and making an impact.  Hopefully helping people to make better decisions.  

I'm not a journal writer and had recently started this blog.  I can't remember if I've ever explained this but when I started documenting our accident and our thoughts I didn't expect anybody to read it.  I remember Ryan and I were lying in our beds on floor 6 and I said, "I'm already forgetting, I don't want to forget, I need to write stuff down".  Where should I write?  We were both given ipads from people on his side of the family (thank you, they saved us), and I was going to write things down in the notes section.  But then I remembered, "Ryan, duh I'm gonna write everything down in our family blog.  That way it won't get lost!".  I had never told a single soul about our family blog, I think I had 2 followers.  I never even told my Mom about it.  My dear cousin (Char, thank you so much), ingeniously started the kellypack.com site and had linked our family blog to it... she probably saw it on my Facebook page or something.  

I remember getting my first few comments and being so shocked and yet, so.... loved.  Every post brought more and more comments from people from all over the world wishing us well, sending prayers, and all their love.  I was so broken.  I felt so helpless and trapped in my hospital room walls.  All of the comments from everybody helped lift me up, it gave me hope, it helped give my pain and suffering a sort of worthiness to all my thoughts and feelings.  All the love from all my Angels helping me through the hardest time of my life saved me from becoming a victim and made me strong.  When I think back to the darkest hours, it was the comments that gave me light.  My loved ones being near, my 2 oldest sisters staying up all night and pushing my morphine button for me every 20 minutes because nobody else believed me that my right hand was broken (so I couldn't push it for myself).  My sister told me I would just cry when I woke up, I would ask who was there and beg them not to leave me.  I would cry for my Mom, for Ryan, and I would cry for Colum.  

This blog has helped me so much and I appreciate all the comments and for everybody who stops by to read and check-in.  I have become so inspired by the endless amounts of love people have shown.  Just our physical therapy copay is more than our mortgage payment per month.  Thank you to everybody that has helped us and continues to help us.  Life really is beautiful.  I don't know what the next 6 months will bring.  I'm absolutely terrified for Christmas time.  And I'm even more terrified that they bring out Christmas stuff before Halloween's over but I know you all will help me.  I hope my story has a happy ending.  I know I will grow stronger.  And I pray that I'm pregnant by next Summer...cross your fingers! :)



41 comments:

  1. I don't know if I can speak for everyone who reads your story from a distance, but it is hard for me to know that there's nothing I can do to help you from my distance. I really don't know you and you don't know me, but I can't help but check in on you, pray for you, and cry many tears for you and your family, especially little Colum. It is wonderful to know even comments from afar help you be strong. It means the world to me. ♥ you bunches!

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  2. And just like we don't understand the impact that we have made in your life, you don't realize the impact you have had in all of our lives, Kelly. Truly. You are so strong, beautiful, courageous, and inspirational. I recently read an article on grief that I thought was such an accurate reflection on what grief is like and I want to share it with you...
    http://rontlog.hubpages.com/hub/The-dark-Black-Cave
    I hope you enjoy it!
    Take care,
    Kelsey

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  3. love to you and your family. i am so glad you have that video and that your sweet boy continues to touch lives. we do not have a video of jack's service and i wish we did. xo

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  4. I read your blog and I think that you have had a huge impact on my life. Because of your writing and your terrible loss I remind myself not to take a moment with my boys for granted. I also read your blog and feel like I would love to be your friend, but then I feel like a stalker and feel that you would think it weird to be my friend. I know that you have been brought close to others who have lost a child as a result of this situation and I have not and therefore sometimes I feel that I don't deserve to be your friend. I haven't experienced the great emotional turmoil that you have. That being said, I hope to meet you on Saturday, I hope that you don't think that I am a stalker or weird in any way and if you ever need anything there are lots of people touched by your story that would love to help, including myself.

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  5. Kelly, You are never far from my thoughts. I'm always checking in for an update and leaving in tears. When I first saw that video it literally took me days to watch the whole thing. It was SO painful to see. Beautiful in every sense though. Hugs! Jessica

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  6. Another beautiful post my dear! Like so many others, we have never met but you have touched my life immensely. I hug my kids tighter, live life a little fuller and try not to sweat the small stuff as much. I am always so exccited to see a new post from you, a little insight into your strength and courage. I can not wait to see what the next 12 months brings to your family. I'm sure there will be lows but I know there will also be beautiful moments you will cherish!! Take care!

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  7. I saw the video when you guest-blogged on Smitten By. There was a link at the bottom of your post, and I watched it at least four times in a row and just sobbed. My three year old was watching cartoons across the room from me so I tried to cry as quietly as possible. My heart was breaking for you. I have a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Since that day, I've read your entire blog, all the way back to the beginning up to today. I have a shortcut button to your blog in my browser and check everyday for a new post. You have had an immense impact on my life. My youngest son just turned one, and every night I squeeze that kid so tight because I know how fast everything can change. I mean I obviously knew that before, but your story and honesty really drove it home. I watch my kids and just try to remember EVERYTHING. I'm like a sponge just soaking up every move they make. This is all you. I'm living my life differently because of you. You are amazing and incredible and I'm sending you all the positivity and wishes I can all the way from Michigan. Please keep up the posts!

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  8. Kelly,
    You are the most beautiful lady ever. I have been reading your blog for a few months and you amaze me everyday. I love how you share your ups and your downs. Thanks for sharing. You have made an impact on my life. Much love!

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  9. Oh Kelly!! I am sitting here sobbing as I read your post. I am one of those that has followed your blog since the acciident and check in quite often. You are one tough Chica and I admire you as a mother. I told you before that your Colum reminds me so much of my Ben. I think about Colum often when I am snuggling him. I haven't been able to watch the funeral video yet, but would love to someday....what a beautiful thing to have made for you and Ryan. It is nice to connect with your grief on that level. You hang in there. Finn will bring the joy back into Christmas and so will your future babies!! You are always in my thoughts and I do hope all of us that read your blog take a bit of the weight of your grief off your shoulders.

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  10. I am so glad they are showing his funeral video at DUI classes. I wish with all of my heart that your family did not have to suffer because of someone's poor decision and I certainly hope that this video changes the minds of those who might be heading down that path. I avoided the video for weeks. After one of those really long mommy days, I put the kids to bed and got the nerve to watch it. I knew I would sob and I did… for hours. I felt so much pain watching it. It was as if I was mourning my own child lying in that tiny casket. And I felt so guilty afterwards because I had been annoyed that my little blondie just wanted to be held all day. I couldn’t get anything done that day. Dinner was a disaster; the house looked like a bomb went off, etc. I decided that night that I would NEVER let my kids be on the bottom of my “to do” list. They will always be put first. If they want to be held all day, then I will hold them all day and get nothing done. Life is so precious and not guaranteed. Thank you for sharing your grief with us. Somehow it makes us better even though it’s so painful to watch, and we all wish we could take it away from you. I truly have mourned Colum like he was my own and I never met him while he was on this earth. I think about him every day. I think about you every day and wonder how you are doing. I pray for your family every day. I can’t wait for the day when I cry tears of joy reading your blog instead of tears of sorrow. I know that day will come Kelly. I know it will!

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  11. Kelly..Where do I begin? I've read your blog since day one and haven't commented because of such strong, sometimes uncontrolled emotion. You and I have something in common. I keep thinking I should send you an e-mail in an effort that our conversation may be a little more personal, but I think commenting here is more appropriate. First, I'm not sure if you remember me. We had a mommy / child class at Little Gym together. Finn was in the same class as my twins, Cooper and Maddie. I remember you bringing Column in the stroller and his perfect blonde hair. You were (and still are) such a fun mom! And Column was perfect hanging out in the class. I remember Finn loved that class! I wish I took the time to really say hello and get to know you, but I was busy chasing Cooper and Maddie around. Little did I know that 6 months later I would see the accident on the news and begin following your story. Kelly, I want you to know that my Maddie is here today because she received a heart transplant when she was 18 months old.. the same age as Column when he donated his heart. It has been such a surreal experience for me witness and read of you grieving for your sweet Column. I often wonder if what you are going through, our donor family is going through as well. I constantly think about our sweet donor family and hope they are ok. I also want to thank you! You have helped me as I write letters to them. You experienced what I feared the most.. my baby passing away. And as I read your blog, you inspire me of what I need to say to the mommy of a beautiful baby girl who passed away and gave my beautiful baby a new heart and another chance at life. Thank you! My family and I will be at Column's run on June 30. I want to see you again.. this time I want to take the time to say hello..and I want to tell you thank you face to face. Much love to you, Ryan and Finn. See you soon.

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    1. Here is my e-mail address: mhiles@serveutah.com

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  12. Everytime I read your posts, I am more and more amazed by the person you are. I don't know you personally but one thing I do know, Colum was the luckiest kid around to have you as a mom - even if that time was much too short. What happened to your family was a tragedy beyond words, something so terrible that many of us reading can picture ourselves in your situation curled into a little ball of grief. The fact that you have found the strength to carry on for Finn, and to use your little platform to inspire all of us to be better people . . . just simply amazing Kelly! I pray for you often. I think of you daily. I am glad to know comments from us are helpful and comforting to you. I live in Ohio and I will likely never meet you but if I did, I would give you the biggest hug. You have a lot of people praying for you, Kelly. Much love!

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  13. Babies, babies, babies! I can feel it.

    @michelle Such a sweet story, thanks for sharing.

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  14. I'm so glad you decided to share your story,and video with us! I like all others feel like I am grieving with you. I know that sound wierd but true! you are a close thought in my mind everyday. I heard a song yesterday that I haven't heard in a LONG time and it made me think of you! I imagine this is how you feel everyday! It's called one more day By Diamond Rio. If you have never lisen to it before and you plan to I suggest grabbing a box of kleenex you will need it. I will be preying for a Little pregger Kelly by next summer if not sooner. XOXOXO Brittany

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  15. Kelly,
    I have watched the video a handful of times, and each time, I find myself just sobbing. It is the most touching thing I have ever seen. From the music, to the flower in his tiny hand, to the way Finn kisses his little head. You are Ryan were so broken up, you couldn't even wrap your loving arms around him one last time and I think that is what wrenches me the most. I am so thankful that you have chosen to make this video public. It should be a powerful reminder to many to think twice about the consequences of their actions. It is also a beautiful keepsake that you and your family can treasure forever.
    Thank you so much for continuing to blog with such an open heart and such honesty. I don't think you realize just how many people are touched by your story as well as by your determination. You give so many of us that little "push" when we think we can't run one more step, or our patience with our children has run it's course. We think of you and we do it for YOU!
    You have such a way with words, I really do think you should consider going one step further and writing a book. Your blog is wonderful, but it would be amazing to touch so many more people with a book.
    Keep fighting the good fight--you make ALL of us stronger just by being YOU!
    HUGS and baby wishes!!!
    <3 SM

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  16. Kelly - thank you for sharing. You are such an inspiration. You and your family are loved by so many that have never met you. We love and support you and your family. Will continue to keep you close in prayer!!! Fingers crossed for you to be pregnant next summer!!!!!
    Take Care

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  17. Kelly,
    We met at the Good Grief concert I'm Amy Saville Gabriel's mom. I've never seen that video before and having lost my own son at 171/2 months old I couldn't watch the video without having flashbacks of Gabie's funeral. I know that ache so well and I'm always here just across the lake in Saratoga Springs if you ever need to visit. Gabie's 2 year Angelversary is coming up on July 12th and I'm struggling with that and I know that with Colum's Birthday just around the corner you're struggling a lot too. My heart aches for you to have to have this pain. I'm sending love, hugs and prayers to help you make it through the next several days.

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  18. That video makes me bawl and bawl just thinking about it...I am so glad someone thought to make it for you. That is so amazing of your sisters. So happy you have so many wonderful family members and friends around. We really need to get together...my girls would love to play with Finn. I promise I will start being a better neighbor :)

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  19. That video is so beautiful - what a treasure for you to have and thank you for sharing. Your baby will not be forgotten and loved by many who never knew him in this life. He is truly an angel. God bless you.

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  20. I live right by the horrible accident site, I drive by it daily and think of you EVERY time. I pray for you, I cry for you. I have read your blog religiously from the beginning and will continue to read. I watch your sweet boys funeral video often, first time that i watched it I was with my husband sitting at the airport, I had tears streaming down my face, my husband begged me to stop watching it but I couldn't. I understand the maternal love for a child but I cry and ache that you have to understand the loss of a child. I can't wait to meet you at the run for column. All my love, prayers, and tears will continue to flow your way.

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  21. Oh Kelly, I love reading your posts!!! You're a true inspiration! I hope that this video will impact more people and help them make the right decissions. We will be here when you need to vent, tell us stories about your family, or whatever you want to talk about. I'm totaly crossing my fingers that you'll be pregnant by next summer.... another quilt will be made for your new little one. See you on Saturday at the 5K!!

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  22. So grateful that that heart wrenching video is being shared to help others. How can it NOT change you? Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Your writing is so eloquent and honest. I also think it is amazing that you are feeling the love and prayers being sent your way. Our world has so much negativity, and while the loss of Colum is so tragic--you choose to be a beacon of hope and pass on the POSITIVE that has come from it. That speaks volumes of you and your Angel boy. God Bless Colum, and the thousands of lives he has touched and forever changed. It is amazing what that one tiny little one has done. He has changed my family. All the way in Pennsylvania. Without ever meeting us. What a boy! Blessings to your for another baby soon. I hope...

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  23. i sob everytime i come to your blog..but i keep coming back...your healing and your walk through grief is incredible. when i am done reading i seek out my own little man who is the same age as colum. i run my hands through is soft curly blond hair and gaze into his eyes. and i cry for your pain. and i smile through your strength bc i know i wouldn't have it. i am angered by what this man took from you on such a special night. how can one be so very selfish? but then as i watched this video an overwhelming peace came over me. i looked at colum with that sweet daisy in his hand. his spirit gone from his body and i thought, how lucky is the person in heaven right now that is looking after colum. how fortunate is sweet colum that he is in heaven so very soon, its almost like he was made to be there, and his life was brief enough to remind us of where we ought to strive to be. i imagine it doesn't make up for your missing cuddles, your broken heart. your confusion as to why this happened. he is beautiful kelly. so precious. i look at my little jacob and i think how precious are those little hearts...and i work so hard to keep it precious and innocent, and i am comforted that colums will always be that way. and i cannot think of a better way for him to be when you are reunited again in heaven. he is touching lives everywhere. he is a sweet and gentle soul. i cannot wait to hear the news of your new pregnancy in the coming years. you are incredible kelly. inspiring. and loved by so many who just want to tell you so without ever having met you.

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  24. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better mom. I continue to follow your blog each and every day for the strength I need to become a great mother to my 2 girls and 10 daycare kiddos!

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  25. Bless you Kelly. It's so special to have a video of the funeral. I don't have many memories of Jude's funeral but it feels like a dream now.
    I'm dreading Christmas too but I'll be here to hold your hand across the ocean and think of our two special boys.xxx

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  26. Your blog has also made me try to be a better mom, to put life in perspective and let my kids be kids. And though I might get angry but I think of you and and how you would give anything for one last hug or kiss And it makes me hug and kiss them tighter.

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  27. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of your beautiful family today (and have been all this week) on such a special day. It must be such a bittersweet day. Colum is celebrating his second birthday with Jesus which is wonderful but I can't help wishing he was celebrating it in your loving arms.

    Take special care of yourself today. Whatever you feel or don't feel is 100% okay.

    Colum is still with you and you will see him (and cuddle him) again.

    Lots of love,
    Kelly in Seattle, WA

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  28. Happy Birthday sweet Colum!!! Praying for the 3 of you today, hoping you can find some peace knowing he made a difference. His short life has impacted so many others, thankyou for sharing him with all of us! Love you Pack Family! God Bless

    from Colorado MK

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  29. Happy Birthday to your dear boy Colum! My thoughts and prayers have been with you since hearing of your accident and the passing of your baby boy.
    Kelly, your words are an absolute inspiration of courage, determination and resolve. The words you share through your blog have changed my way of thinking, my own resolve to go on, be a better wife, mother and person! I will gladly come tomorrow and bring my children and run for Colum and for you and Ryan! I have picked up a saying in the last nine months through my own trials, "I can do hard things!" Kelly, you can most definitely do hard things! I think of you often when I say this! I run most days of the week and my route always takes me through the American Fork Cemetary. Every time my foot steps into the cemetary I immediately think of your son, you and your family.
    I appreciate your words and your willingness to share your thoughts!

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  30. What a powerful video, you must treasure it dearly. Very well done (although of course so sad it was..) I can see it making an impact on many. It did for me...

    Happy Birthday Colum. Hugs for your Mom, Dad and brother.

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  31. Happy Birthday to your little Dove! I've been reading your blog for a while and my heart is with you today. I am thinking of Column and how you must be aching today. I just wrote a blog post with you in the back of my mind. I hope you can find comfort in it, in our Savior. Even though you don't know me, I love you and your sweet family, deeply. http://saraweaver.blogspot.com/2012/06/million-miracles.html

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  32. Happy Birthday Colum!

    Praying fr your family.

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  33. Just think about how many lives will be saved by your precious angel...how many teenagers will watch the video and remember it when they go to take a drink - then stop. or they go to turn the key - and stop. Colum is such a beautiful, wonderful angel. I love him :-) I wish I'd been able to know him but through your stories & pictures, I feel that I do.

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  34. Kelly, you certainly realize that you are the mother of two (for now) Superheroes. There is Finn, AKA Spiderman, AKA Junior Grand Marshall, and Colum. WHAT a Superhero that boy is! In his very short 18 months on earth, he conquered hearts and then gave life to another by giving his own heart. Through his Supermom and Superdad and their great heroic examples, hearts have been changed. I read it over and over here. Because you are willing to share a talent you maybe never knew you possessed, by writing the things of your heart, so many others have had their hearts touched to the point that they have changed their way of looking at an interact with their families. That is no small accomplishment. And now because of that incredible heart-wrenching video, those who have lost their way through drinking to excess and taking the wheel of a car may also change their hearts and natures and lives may be saved. Wow! What a gift your family has given to the world. I want to be invited to your baby shower. I just cannot wait. Sending the warmest of birthday wishes to the Pack family this day. SO proud that you will be running! Love you so much!

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  35. Loves, hugs, thoughts and prayers to you.

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  36. Oh that video is a precious treasure. It is easily the most wrenching & t the same time- beautiful - thing i've ever seen. I have seen it a few times and it speaks directly to my heart. It is so crazy because I don't know you guys but the person who created the video was deeply inspired because it embodies the Pack family, reveals the beauty of Colum's soul, and has immortalized that solemn & horrific time of your life. I went to the Bon Iver concert w/my husband in May @ Red Butte Garden. That song "Holocene" belongs to Column & your family. Not only do I have an enormous amount of respect for your family,but also an enormous amount of respect for that incredible song. When they played it that night I recorded it on my phone & thought of you the whole time! Much love.

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    1. Sorry, my phone spelled "Column"instead of Colum, grrrr :) I dislike spelling names wrong-

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  37. I still cry when I read your blog. I feel for you and your sweet little family. My heart breaks when I think about you having to let your sweet baby go back to heaven. I'm not just crossing my fingers for you to be pregnant, but praying for it as well. I know what it feels like to want it and not be able to have it. *hugs*

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  38. I know this is an old post, but I just came across your blog by random. The video was so hard to watch, but it was also beautiful. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

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  39. wow, incredible video... i'm so sorry for your loss. thank you for sharing. so grateful that families are forever.

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