::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

6.19.2012

Godspeed

A few people have mentioned the song Godspeed by the Dixie Chicks to me.  The first time we listened to it, it brought on waterfalls of tears.  It's a beautiful song:


dragon tails and the water is wide
pirate's sail and lost boys fly
fish bite moon beams everynight


and I love you


godspeed little man
sweet dreams little man
oh my love will fly to you each night 
on angels wings


godspeed, sweet dreams


rocket racer is all tuckered out
superman is in pajamas on the couch  
goodnight moon will find the mouse


and I love you


godspeed little man
sweet dreams little man
oh my love will fly to you each night
on angels wings


godspeed


sweet dreams


god bless mommy and matchbox cars
god bless daddy and thanks for the stars


god hears amen where ever we are
and I love you


godspeed little man
sweet dreams little man


oh my love will fly to each night
on angels wings


godspeed; godspeed; godspeed


sweet dreams




It's totally my new song on repeat.  My apple ID/password isn't working so I haven't bought it yet so I have a link on Facebook and I just keep hitting play to repeat it when it's over, the old fashioned way.  I take off my one yellow dishwashing glove to hit play each time while doing dishes.  I stop dusting and come into the kitchen when it's over to hit play again.  It makes me cry... sob actually; every single time I hear it.  It helps me cry when I know I need to and I'm alone and I can.  It's like a release of built up emotions.  A button I can just push to just let go of the little dark cloud that is growing heavy and needs to let go of the rain.  I sometimes don't want to stop pushing the button and go back to everyday life.  The unimaginable sadness is my best friend, it's my little man, it's all I have left of him.  


After swimming with a friend and her 11 month old one day we decided to hang out at my house after and she'd forgotten some shorts.  I still have Colum's clothes hanging in the closet and his pants are still in his drawer.  I'm not attached to every single item and grabbed some shorts that were obviously hand-me-downs to let her use so she didn't have to run home.  I immediately saw the huge dirt crusty spot on one knee of them.  They were dirty!  They were put back filthy dirty; how horribly disgusting.  What a horrible dirty disgusting miracle of a blessing.  Not only were they crusty and incredibly dirty but they smelled like him!  They smelled like his sweet puke.  He was outside getting dirty (just like all 2nd and any child except your 1st do), he puked all the time and these shorts were no exception to the rest of the clothes that got lathered daily.  But these little hand-me down shorts were salvaged and mistakenly put back in the drawer, only to find a year later by a Mom who unknowingly was going to lose that little, precious, blonde puker.   I can imagine his smell.  But it's so wonderful to smell it.  To hold it.  godspeed little man.  sweet dreams little man.  and I love you.


His 2nd Birthday is in 10 days.  I just ordered him the most amazing Toy Story cake.  A really great local bakery called Dippidee donated a few gift certificates to us.  This was so generous of them.  I normally can't afford such extravagance!  I hate that I only got one shot at a Birthday party with him.  And it was such a lame one.  I hate that Ryan only got 1 Father's Day with him.  Father's Day was a very emotional day for me for some reason.  It kills me that we only have 1 child and we should/did have 2.  Ryan is so baby hungry.  I've never seen him like this before.  He even said maybe we should have 3 more.  It's so hard to be patient to start trying, and then it's going to be hard to be patient after being so damn patient.  And patience is no virtue of mine.  I just want him back with us.  I just want to be changing poopy diapers all day again.   I hate that I'm going to have to miss somebody this bad for the rest of my life!  I just can barely hang on somedays.  


Finn asked me as I was buckling him in his carseat this morning "Mom, are you just sad all the time?".   He sees me cry a lot but, I think he must have overheard somebody say that or somebody asked him that.  He's starting to really pay attention to what us grown-ups are saying and the other night he told me "Mom you are a very very funny lady", when we asked him why I was so funny he said, "because you are handi-cap".  We rolled, and laughed so hard we cried.  I tried to explain that being handi-cap isn't funny but it is funny to Mom and Daddy that we're handi-cap.  We laugh at ourselves all the time and make fun of our stiffness and sudden waddles, aches, and pains.    I know that him seeing his parents in wheelchairs, walkers, and canes makes him more comfortable around other people that use them.  But, of course it's not funny and I hope he understands our unique humor about ourselves... but will not be afraid to talk to people who are in wheelchairs etc.  I used to work at Nordstrom and I remember in training a woman mentioned that if you see somebody who is blind or handi-cap to always try and smile and speak to them.  It's so easy to pretend to not notice their handi-cap or awkwardly smile at them.  But that she once spoke to a blind man and he told her how lonely it was.  How people assume he doesn't want to be bothered by them because he was blind.  This breaks my heart.  I hope Finn will always be more comfortable and his super friendly, non-shy self to everybody, especially those with disabilities.  He tries so much to help us by holding doors open and was so concerned when I used to have to keep going back to the hospital.  I hope he can learn and take something really special from our tragedy.  He really has something special... I know all Mom's say that, and I know they are all right.  But, my Finn he's a star.


to be continued... I gotta wipe my tears and take some kids to a promised McDonald's date!


Godspeed everyone.





21 comments:

  1. I love this song, its on my son who passed aways rememberence video. It sings to my heart as well and allows me to cry. You are doing fabulous! I will pray for you guys to be able to expand your family and that patience will come. Big hugs to you!!

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  2. I never comment, but have been following your family's progress since december. I check in on you often, and have grown to love you and your family. I just wanted to remind you of how loved you are; even by complete and total strangers.

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  3. This has been a favorite song of mine since I knew I had a beautiful, bouncing, baby boy growing inside of me. It's a beautiful song, one that I still sing to him today, nearly 6 years later. Godspeed.

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  4. Finn is too adorable. I love that he holds the door for you :) He will be such a gentleman teenager. Praying you will be able to expand your family and hopefully soon.

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  5. I wish we could 'like' comments because Rachel summed it up perfectly. Hugs from Minnesota.

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  6. The missing seems so unbearable. That is the hardest part for me, knowing it isn't ever going to go away. It isn't like one day you'll wake up and not wish they were still here. :(

    Kids are so perceptive. I always feel so bad my kids have to live with out their brother, deal with their grief and watch me be a mess. We just try to keep the dialogue open. Dealing with your own grief is hard, and adding everyone elses in the mix is plain rough!

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  7. In two days it will be 11 years since we lost my little sister. Some days the pain is still as raw as ever. I don't recall hearing that song, but I will be looking it up soon! There are lots of songs that trigger me still. I also love this story ...

    The Dragonfly

    Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interuptions.

    Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was gone forever.

    Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top.

    When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.

    So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed.

    Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended.

    But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous life!

    Author Unknown.

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  8. This post is so precious. I have a former puker at my house. :) My little Kandace. Those times were so hard on some levels. Before going to bed at night, I would set out new outfits for her and I because I knew her night feeding puking would ruin our clothes (sometimes even the sheets). But, it's funny how the things that were those daily hard chores are the things that bring the sweetest memories later. What a tender mercy for you to find those shorts. Maybe your sweet Colum coming to say how much he loves his momma :)
    We heard this song on your Facebook page. My daughter (the former puker, Kandace), has been looking for a solo dance song for next year. She was seeking out "A slow country song that was never on the radio very much". When she heard Godspeed, she immediately decided to use that song in memory of your little sweet Angel. And your Finn, He certainly is something special. We were able to go to the yard sale. I saw him from pretty far off. We didn't go talk to him or Ryan because, well I don't know, just because..... But, just seeing your precious baby from afar brought tears to my eyes. He's been your comic relief, your super hero (with Spiderman powers) :), and your heart mender. He has and will continue to do great things for you and everyone who has the privilege of meeting him.
    As always, Love, prayers, and peace being sent your way from the Keddington's :)

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  9. Kelly, you are deeply loved as well as your Ryan and your Finn....I love how honest you are with your grief. You just inspire me every day in every way. Thank you for sharing your soul with us.
    Much love, Meredith

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  10. This post made me cry. What I am saying? Every post makes me cry. I wish so badly he was back with you too. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I hope and pray it will get easier. I am glad you got to smell him again. What a tender blessing. Their smell becomes something so special and comforting to mothers. I love that song! I ran across it the other day when I was cleaning and I had random songs playing. I thought of Colum and you and just started crying. It's a beautiful song. I hope it brings you comfort. I know he feels your love each day. I know that he knows you miss him. He will love the Toy Story cake on his birthday. Sending you a virtual hug!

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  11. Praying for peace for you today.

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  12. I hope that Colum's birthday can be a day of love and celebration for you and your family. This one will be tough, as they all will be, but you will have a lot of people celebrating along side of you from all over the country. You are on my mind and in my prayers often.
    Godspeed my friend

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  13. I love that song, makes me cry everytime I hear it too.
    Finn is a star my girls talk about him all the time, come play soon! luv ya!

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  14. Thinking of coming out for the run, though we will be walking since I don't have a jogging stroller, but have no idea where the fitness center in AF is. Can you provide an address? We are not from there.

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    1. Yes, it's 454 North Center Street, American Fork, Utah 84003. You will have to come say hi. I can guarantee we will come in last place (I'm a little nervous but I think we can do it) :). You will see a cemetery and it's just south of it behind some baseball fields. Thank you!

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  15. You are an absolutely lovely person.

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  16. I have just found your blog through another site and I wanted to write to you to say how sad I am to hear about precious Colum.
    My 5 year old son died suddenly on the 23rd of December 2011 and I wanted you to know that I will think of Colum as I think of my wee boy Jude every Christmas.
    Fiona
    xx

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    1. Hi Fiona,

      I'm so sorry to hear about Jude. I peeked at your blog also, it is beautiful. I will think of your sweet, precious Jude as well. We will have to be buddies. Especially around Christmas time...

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  17. I started following your blog sometime ago and then I lost my son I believe I stumbled upon your story for a reason ... you are an inspiration and comfort... Thank you for posting about your journey and sweet family.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear that. Thank you. I peeked at your blog too. Keep writing, it will help you immensely.

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  18. you are such a strong person! such an amazing mother to both of your boys. every single one of your posts makes me cry. I'm not sure if you are familiar with these two blogs:
    http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/
    and
    http://da.savillefamily.org/

    I always imagine Preslee, Gabriel, & Colum up there playing in heaven together. I don't know if it's because they all have blond hair and sweet smiles but I swear sometimes I look up and can see them smiling down. Each such a beautiful, beautiful angel. He is watching you each and every day and is so very proud of his mama.

    Sending you love from Virginia.

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