::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

5.07.2012

A story about Colum

Smitten by asked me to write a post about Colum.  This week they are focusing on Mother's who have lost and infertility.  There is a post written by me today and one on Wednesday 5/9 that I wrote a year ago on infertility.  Click here to check it out.

I know that it's a normal thing that I'm still so sad and cry very often.  But, I promise you this accident is not going to be who I am.  There are slivers of sun starting to shine through.  And I owe it to Finn and hopefully my future children (cross your fingers) to be a Mom who laughs, teaches, and shows them how to be strong and have fun.  I have moments of the old me, the Mom I always dreamed of being is popping her head out a little tiny bit more each day.  This sadness is just a little bit tougher to grab the reigns and steer in the right direction.  Thank you all for your thoughts, and prayers.... I've said it before and I'll say it again but I couldn't do it without you.

22 comments:

  1. Kelly,
    I want to thank you for sharing your blog with us all. Your honesty, vulnerability, courage and pain as you go through this grieving process, the recovery/healing process and the adjustment to this new life that was thrust upon you, is hard to fathom. I think many of us feel very lucky that you allow us into your life and your heart to share in this process. I laugh and I cry as I read your posts. The pictures you post of your precious angel Colum bring tears to my eyes. Your writing is quite eloquent and you really help us feel what you are going through.

    That being said, I was struck by something you said in your previous post about going to trial. You mentioned that neither Tom nor his family has made any effort to apologize to you. So, on behalf of the entire Ainsworth family, I would like to offer an apology to you. (I am a cousin who has not seen Tom in over 30 years). There are a great number of us outside his immediate family who are on YOUR side and want to reach out to you to let you know that we are sorry that one of our own has caused you and your family such tragedy. It breaks my heart that someone I am related to has taken the life of your precious baby. I, too, hope justice is served. I am not sure if that helps, but I want you to know that not all of his family is in support of him.

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    1. Thank you for all your kind words & apologizing. Please know that not for one second would I hold anything against his distant relatives, and that is very brave of you to apologize on behalf of all of you. I appreciate it but, it's unnecessary. You can't choose who you're related to, the same thing could happen with my relatives behind the wheel. Thank you for supporting us!

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  2. I know the pain of losing your sweet little boy will always be there, but I truly hope you can feel like your old self again.

    In the words of Dr. Seuss-"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened".

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  3. Lots of tears... what a beautiful post about Colum. I love that you shared the tears falling from his closed eyes. That only proves how much he loved you two and how much he didn't want to leave you. Colum has changed so many lives for the better. He really is a hero and will never be forgotten by so many of us.

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  4. Kelly, I just bawled and bawled reading your beautiful post about your precious baby boy. I also watched the video of his funeral. My heart aches for you and your family. He is the most beautiful angel in the heavens. I'm sure he is smiling all day long because everyone wants to hold him and play with him up there. I am sending love and prayers to you and your family. You will see him one day in heaven. You will hold him again. I know it.

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  5. Still praying for you and your family Kelly! I still shed tears for you losing Colum. Sometimes I watch the funeral footage to feel closer to your family. I can see you all, and pray for you individually. I'm not sure whose mother, but the sweet grandmother who spoke at Colum's burial is an amazing woman. I hear her words and cry fresh tears. You all amaze me with your strength to carry on. I lost my daughter to stillbirth, and as hard as it was, it's easier to imagine losing a child I never knew than to imagine losing one I've known alive. Sadie never opened her eyes to show me what beautiful color they were. I never heard her voice or got to see her hair grow long enough to play with. She never wrapped her hands around my fingers. I longed for those things for what seemed like an eternity. In time that ache faded to a very dull pain. It awakens easily, but is something I can live well with. I can't imagine the pain that comes from losing one you got to know well. My love goes out to you dear.

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  6. I know I have said this a few times, but you're a very strong woman!!! Every time I watch the video, I cry and think of you all. I pray one day that you guys will have another child and add to your family!
    I wear my I HEART COLUM bracelet everyday!

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  7. Thank you for that beautiful entry. You amaze me. I think I said that last time I posted. I look forward to your infertility story tommorow. And I wish you many fertile thoughts. That is s journey I know all to well.
    I can only imagine your heartache and I do think of you end the outages who have lost little ones every time my children are exasperating. I also hold my baby after she is asleep and just take her in. It's scary to think how fragile life is.

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  8. Kelly...every day I look at my blond haired boy with curly hair and think of you. He is onery, and mean and at the same time the sweetest little boy ever....his hugs are numerous and he grabs the back of my legs and doesnt let go. I honestly do think of you every day...I wish I could somehow ease your pain....what if i didnt have my Cian? Would I be as brave as you? Would I have been able to be as strong? You are such a role model for those who have lost. I pray for you Kelly every day....I hope somehow you feel it.

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  9. You are so inspiring to me Kelly. I pray for your strength and happiness every night when I am praying for the rest of my loved ones and when I talk to my big brother. (He passed away 11 months ago) You already are an amazing mom to both of your boys. I truly hope God is able to bless you with more children. You are so very deserving. If not biological, my best friend in the entire universe who is unable to have children of her own has adopted 2 beautiful children through an agency that I could get you in touch with if you might me interested in going that route.
    God bless you Kelly

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  10. I think about you and Colum often, because almost every time I ask my sweet boy for a kiss, he slaps me on the mouth or in the face, hard! He gives kisses when HE wants to give them, do.not.ask! Every time you write something about sweet Colum, he is so much like my little guy who was born about 30 days before Colum and I was HUGE too yet he came out at a tiny 5 lbs, his due date was the day Colum was born. We have never met but I feel such love and compassion for you and I pray for you, Ryan and Finn often.

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  11. Thank you for sharing your life & wearing your heart on your sleeve, Kelly. I have wanted to post for so long, but not sure quite what to say. I grew up in A.F til 7th grade & my sister was good friends with Kim D.. So I feel connected to you in those ways also. I just wanted to finally thank you. You remind me of what is truly important. I get so busy that I forget to actually play with my kids. I have 3 (7, 4 & 2) & they are my everything. I now feel like I really do hug them a little tighter, snuggle them a little longer, love them a little better because of you. When things get bad, I think - at least I still get to hold my babies. Your tragedy has touched me deeply. I pray for you daily & keep your family in my heart. I know you will hold your sweet baby again. He was just too much an angel to stay on this earth very long. Love to you & your family.

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  12. I don't think there has been a day that has gone by since December that I haven't thought of you and your family Kelly. Following your loss and your grief has changed me as a person. I know it may sound strange since I don't know you personally. But I am a mom of three little boys, including a little blonde 18 month old named Oliver. Every time I see Colum's little face I see my Ollie and my heart breaks into a million pieces for you. Its made me realize I am not invincible. My children are not invincible. You've changed the way I spend every day with them. I try to remember to sweat the small stuff and just love every second with them. As hard and painful as it may be for you to share this horrific time in your life, I am glad you are doing it. Thank you for sharing Colum with us. He's definitely changed my life. I pray for you always and I feel so much love for your family.

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  13. My dearest Kelly,
    I can't help but find myself thinking about you and your family and wondering how you are doing. you are such a courageous lady to welcome each of us into your lives. I'm sure you get this alot, but, when you describe your little "Angle" I feel as though you have just describing my little Jaxson. From the smile on his face to the blockiness of his feet to the way he trades sides as soon as his dad walks in the door. I know you have a hole in your heart that will never go away,but, I hope that one day you will be able to laugh and be happy with out feeling guilt about doing so.One day you will get there but for now it's ok to be sad, You have lost one of most percious thing in your life you chid.
    Your story is the reason I wake my kids up with a hug and tell the I am luck to spend this day with you and the same thing at night.

    I love how your writing is so tantalizing. you bring each one of us into it as if we were there. My heart aches with every post my eyes water with every picture. Although we have never meet I feel as though I already know who you are through your Blog. With that being said If you ever need someone to vent at,cry to, or just be mad. We are always here for you.

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  14. I am another mama who is trying harder because you were brave enough to share your pain. My blondie is 2 months younger than colum (08/28/2010). I think of you on the days when he and his siblings are bouncing off the walls or screaming all day. I try to handle them with a tiny percent of the grace in which you are handling your new normal. Thank you for introducing me to your colum. I promise...he changed me.

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  15. Kelly, I just want you to know I still think about you and your family and little Colum every single day.... xoxo

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  16. I love every post you have written and I think I have read them all! My baby is 11 months old, also blonde with curls in the back, also feisty, and I think of you and your little guy so often. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I don't know how successful I have been, but because of the way you have shared your story, I do try harder to be a good mom to my 3 little ones. Thank you. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

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  17. Hi Kelly, I'm a mother of a 14 month old son, and I've been following your blog for a while now. I gotta say you really inspire me to try and look past the bad things that can happen this life and focus on the good. This has been really tough this month. On Monday of this week, our family dog died when she was accidently hit by a truck (my dad was driving and he still blames himself) and then on tuesday my grandpa died. I really admire how strong you are in coping with the loss of your son, and I really hope I can be that strong now.

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  18. Hello dear Kelly! My girls and I are so glad we found your blog! I have thought of you so often and wondered how your recovery is going! We LOVED coming to your house and seeing your sweet boys...I am so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for what you must be going through. Know that we love you and wish only good things for all of you!

    You are strong, and I know you will be able to see this through. The Fox women will be praying for you and cheering you on!! Love to you, Janice, Carrie and Ali Fox

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  19. Hi Kelly,

    I'm writing to wish you a Happy Mother's Day! I'm sure this day is very tough for you so I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts.
    Love from Colorado:)

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  20. Kelly,

    Thank you for having the courage to share your experience with so many of us. I can't imagine the pain you have had, dealing with your injuries and losing your precious baby. He is beautiful. He will always be beautiful. I continue to pray for you and your beautiful family. May you find peace and know that your little one is always close by! My challenges, though hard, can never compare to what you have had to face. Stay strong!! (But remember it's okay to cry!!! That's the best medicine!)

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  21. Thank you for sharing your blog, I have been reading for a while now and praying for your family. You are all so strong.
    A bit of a random thought- I am not sure if you have heard the song Godspeed- Sweet Dreams by the Dixie Chicks or not but if you haven't you might like it. It has always been one of my favorite lullabies and when I heard it the other day it made me think of your family.

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