Packing up the trailer is a whole different story. It's a lot of work. And every time I brought in something while packing up this time I would choke up. I thought of when Colum was here. We park our trailer in the driveway and it serves as a double purpose of a clubhouse all summer; . My kids play in that thing all summer long. Colum was all boy and loved camping. He spent hours eating snacks and watching movies in there. When we opened up the trailer for the first time for the Summer I immediately started looking for leftover signs of him. There were none; except when I opened the bathroom door and saw 2 bath toys left in the tub from the summer before (tears). In fact the very last time we took the trailer out was in October of '11 for the deer hunt and we went to Strawberry. We were only there for one night. I wish I would have known. It was the last time I'd go camping with Colum. I wish I would have known that I was going to lose him a lot of times. You know the age old question of if you had a month to live, would you rather know or not know? I think I wish I would've gotten some notice. I would have held him more. I would've taken obscene amounts of pictures. I wouldn't have let him go.
It was the first time camping since we've bought our trailer in 2008 that I didn't have to make sure that the bathroom door was closed 24/7 (so a lil' Mr didn't try to play in the toilet). I missed the chaos. I missed packing up diapers, wipes, and bottles. I miss having a baby. I think my instincts are still engraved in me that I do, he's just not physically here. I miss Elmo and changing bums.
I ordered flowers for my baby's grave for the first time this year... a new tradition. I picked them up on Friday before we left. The weekend forecast was horrible. We planned on taking them to the cemetery before we left but didn't want them to get ruined by the wind. So we decided to wait until Monday. This broke my heart into a million pieces. I wanted to take flowers to my baby's grave site on his first Memorial Day early. I felt like I was abandoning him on a very important occasion. I felt like not going. Memorial Day this year was a lot harder for me than Mother's Day.
On another note I have 2 big things to write about! First: Last weekend in Physical Therapy I jogged on the treadmill for 1 whole minute!!! And yesterday I jogged for 3 minutes (but not in a row). This is huge for me. My therapist was standing right next to me and she said and I quote, "It wasn't beautiful". Nope, I don't jog beautifully... but I did it!!!! I was holding on tight, really really tight. My left knee kept buckling which is super scary. But I did it. She said I can probably run for 2 or 3 minutes in a row by Colum's birthday (which means 5 minutes in my terms hehe). I run extremely slow... but I'm doing it! I'm so happy. I know it will be a long journey to get back to where I was but... I can do it!
Second: I just got a phone call today from a nurse with my blood results. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. I've been on thyroid medication since I was 15 years old. I started on an average dose. Over the years it gradually creeped up to a pretty high dose. While I was pregnant with Colum I was dead tired... I know most pregnant women are tired but I remember seeing other pregnant women at Target and saying to myself "how did they get dressed this morning". I literally forced myself to do anything which mostly was to meet Finn's needs and that killed me. My OB checked my thyroid around 6 months and found it was extremely low and "she won't even touch that, you have to see an endocronologist". They basically doubled my already high dose and that's where I've been for years.
I went to my Dr yesterday and told her about my balding problem. They just checked my thyroid a few months ago and it was at a 10 (which is pretty high, but I run better when it's a little high). He said I was at a 25! That's crazy high! So I'm going bald from having a crazy high thyroid which is unfamiliar territory for me. It explains a lot of things also. I think a few things like extreme trauma or pregnancy can completely change your body chemistry. I seriously think the trauma kicked my thyroid into running normally or at least for now. So, I'm going to stop all my thyroid medications for the first time since I was 15, and just watch my hair grow back like a Chia Pet in slow motion. And maybe my Red Flower will bloom again and I will get pregnant as soon as I'm well enough to try. Your hair grows faster while pregnant ya know :)
|Strawberry 10/11. This is one of my favorite pictures. Colum loved riding in the back pack with Daddy & his smile kills me!|
|I took these on our way to Strawberry with my phone. I think he was eating Pirate's Booty. ....again with his smile.|
|I took this from inside the trailer. My family.|
|Daddy carved their names in the tree. We want to go back to this tree when it gets warmer. I love this tree.|