::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

5.31.2012

Revelations and Unfamiliar Territory

For Memorial Day weekend we went camping at Strawberry Reservoir with friends.  It was cold, it even snowed.  I still enjoy camping when it's cold.  I find it kinda cozy to have to be stuck in the trailer with nothing but each other and a good book.  If you've never camped in a trailer before you're missing out.  If it's cold outside you just turn on the heater, you even have a fridge, bathtub, and a toilet if you're lucky.  


Packing up the trailer is a whole different story.  It's a lot of work.  And every time I brought in something while packing up this time I would choke up.  I thought of when Colum was here.  We park our trailer in the driveway and it serves as a double purpose of a clubhouse all summer; .  My kids play in that thing all summer long.  Colum was all boy and loved camping.  He spent hours eating snacks and watching movies in there.  When we opened up the trailer for the first time for the Summer I immediately started looking for leftover signs of him.  There were none; except when I opened the bathroom door and saw 2 bath toys left in the tub from the summer before (tears).  In fact the very last time we took the trailer out was in October of '11 for the deer hunt and we went to Strawberry.  We were only there for one night.  I wish I would have known.  It was the last time I'd go camping with Colum.  I wish I would have known that I was going to lose him a lot of times.   You know the age old question of if you had a month to live, would you rather know or not know?  I think I wish I would've gotten some notice.  I would have held him more.  I would've taken obscene amounts of pictures.  I wouldn't have let him go.  


It was the first time camping since we've bought our trailer in 2008 that I didn't have to make sure that the bathroom door was closed 24/7 (so a lil' Mr didn't try to play in the toilet).  I missed the chaos.  I missed packing up diapers, wipes, and bottles.  I miss having a baby.  I think my instincts are still engraved in me that I do, he's just not physically here.  I miss Elmo and changing bums.  


I ordered flowers for my baby's grave for the first time this year... a new tradition.  I picked them up on Friday before we left.  The weekend forecast was horrible.  We planned on taking them to the cemetery before we left but didn't want them to get ruined by the wind.  So we decided to wait until Monday.  This broke my heart into a million pieces.  I wanted to take flowers to my baby's grave site on his first Memorial Day early.   I felt like I was abandoning him on a very important occasion.  I felt like not going.  Memorial Day this year was a lot harder for me than Mother's Day.  


On another note I have 2 big things to write about!  First: Last weekend in Physical Therapy I jogged on the treadmill for 1 whole minute!!!  And yesterday I jogged for 3 minutes (but not in a row).  This is huge for me.  My therapist was standing right next to me and she said and I quote, "It wasn't beautiful".  Nope, I don't jog beautifully... but I did it!!!!  I was holding on tight, really really tight.  My left knee kept buckling which is super scary.  But I did it.  She said I can probably run for 2 or 3 minutes in a row by Colum's birthday (which means 5 minutes in my terms hehe).  I run extremely slow... but I'm doing it!  I'm so happy.  I know it will be a long journey to get back to where I was but... I can do it!


Second:  I just got a phone call today from a nurse with my blood results.  Perhaps I should start from the beginning.  I've been on thyroid medication since I was 15 years old.  I started on an average dose.  Over the years it gradually creeped up to a pretty high dose.  While I was pregnant with Colum I was dead tired... I know most pregnant women are tired but I remember seeing other pregnant women at Target and saying to myself "how did they get dressed this morning".  I literally forced myself to do anything which mostly was to meet Finn's needs and that killed me.  My OB checked my thyroid around 6 months and found it was extremely low and "she won't even touch that, you have to see an endocronologist".  They basically doubled my already high dose and that's where I've been for years.  


I went to my Dr yesterday and told her about my balding problem.  They just checked my thyroid a few months ago and it was at a 10 (which is pretty high, but I run better when it's a little high).  He said I was at a 25!  That's crazy high!  So I'm going bald from having a crazy high thyroid which is unfamiliar territory for me.  It explains a lot of things also.  I think a few things like extreme trauma or pregnancy can completely change your body chemistry.  I seriously think the trauma kicked my thyroid into running normally or at least for now.  So, I'm going to stop all my thyroid medications for the first time since I was 15, and just watch my hair grow back like a Chia Pet in slow motion.  And maybe my Red Flower will bloom again and I will get pregnant as soon as I'm well enough to try.  Your hair grows faster while pregnant ya know :)


Strawberry 10/11.  This is one of my favorite pictures.  Colum loved riding in the back pack with Daddy & his smile kills me!




I took these on our way to Strawberry with my phone.  I think he was eating Pirate's Booty.   ....again with his smile.



I took this from inside the trailer.  My family.

Daddy carved their names in the tree.  We want to go back to this tree when it gets warmer.  I  love this tree.

19 comments:

  1. Oh, your sweet cute darling boys! I bet Memorial Day was so hard. The pictures of his grave looked so beautiful with so many sweet tributes there for him. I Still think of you so often, and pray for you every day. Much Love! These pics are priceless and precious. That tree pic would be so cute blown up into a canvas for your wall (and one for Finn's wall as well). (Hugs & Love)
    -Angela-

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    1. That is such a great idea! I'm going to do that, thanks to you! Thank you Angela!

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  2. P.S. CONGRATS on your progress as well!!!! I bet it feels so good to be making progress towards running again. Good for you!!! You are an inspiration to so many. My treadmill had been broken since I had a baby last year. I missed it so much. One day after reading one of your posts (that talked of running), I begged my hubby to fit it into our life to get it fixed. Thank you for the inspiration in being motivated to run again. I now get on my treadmill and think of you and your beautiful family. What a neat way thing for you to look forward to as Colum's Birthday approaches

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  3. Tears! Beautiful pictures so heart breaking. Sorry you have to be without your precious boy:( glad you found out the reason for the hair loss. Charlene

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  4. The tears won't stop....
    That's a very good question that I just asked myself. I think I would want to know too so I can spend more precious time, play, take pics, and so much more.
    Jogging for 3 mins, AWESOME!!! Keep up the hard work! I'm overweight since I had my last 2 children so close (a yr and a half ago) and I need to loose it and get back to where I was. If you can jog... I think I can too. I'm glad they checked your thyroid, I hope this will help you in many ways.
    Being prego does help you're hair grow :) :)
    Strawberry's a nice place to camp, we just went for the first time there a month ago. I have to agree, a camper's the only way to go.
    Great camping pics! You can tell they loved camping.

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  5. Oh that sweet sweet boy!!!! I just did a really ugly out loud cry!! My heart is in a million pieces!!!! He is THEE cutest little boy!!!!! Hugs!!!!!

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  6. WAHOO! Congrats on the running milestone! What GREAT progress you are making and that is awesome about your Thyroid too! Let's hope it stays where it needs to be!

    Such sweet pictures of your boys! What a beautiful reminder you have!

    Much love hon!
    Rosalie

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  7. Wow my dear neighbor- you continually amaze and inspire me! I am so freaking happy for your progress and heartbroken for the sadness still around. Thank you for never giving in- for still getting back up- for keeping so many of us others grateful, aware and moving... you are blessed because of all of this! I just know it!

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Debbie. I am horrible at names, and would like to get to know some of my neighbors better this summer/year. We've lived here for 11 years and don't know anybody :(

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  8. Oh your boys! Those pictures! And your husband looks ultra proud every single picture, that is so awesome, a hands-on Dad :) What a beautiful post. I hope that your thyroid really did just work itself out and your hair problem will be solved soon!

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  9. And most importantly, that's amazing you are going for mini-jogs! Now that is determination and admire it with every fiber of my being. That's someone who wants to heal; go you. You'll only get better and better.

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  10. Those pictures made me cry. Such a cute smile on such a cute lil' face! It makes me so sad that he's not here anymore. What a beautiful child. Finn is too. You have such gorgeous children! Great pictures of your last camping trip as a family. All the if onlys... they can haunt us can't they? I am happy for your progress. I hope your thyroid gets in check soon and everything starts coming together for you. You more than deserve it Kelly!

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  11. I hope you can go back to that tree in the not too distant future and add another name.

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    1. Yes. I hope so too. Then print another picture and hang it on the wall...love this!

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  12. Kelly
    im
    Im so happy to hear that you are running thats so awesome an d finally u kn OK w why u were so fatigue and your hair was falling out as yout body does adjust to your new situation you may find that you may be tired i have to get my thyroid checked once a month because it changes that often its so weird i pray 4 you everyday . Keep us updated on your thyroid its amazing what it does. Hugs and kisses

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing the beautiful, beautiful pictures of your precious boy. The one of him on his daddy's back needs to be blown up to at least an 8x10 and framed in your house! He is smiling that sweet smile all day long as he watches his mommy. :-) I am so very happy to hear about the running and the future hair growth. wonderful news! sending love and prayers your way, every day :-)

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  14. Ok, Colum has the cutest smile ever. So sorry Memorial Day was so hard. But glad to know that you found out what was causing the hair loss. And SUPER EXCITED about the running. We should be running buddies...I'm trying to get myself back into it.

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  15. Kelly,

    I know I am late in my reply but I couldn't hold back the tears. I hate that you lost your little one. I hate it. I wish more than anything that families wouldn't have to go through what you guys have gone through. It was so great running into you the other day. You are a beautiful person inside and out. I love your little family and I don't even know you guys. I love your Colum and think of him often. He is the sweetest sweetest.

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  16. I am a little late on my reply but I am sitting here with tears. Man Kelly, I hate that you have had to go through any of this. I hate hate hate that you lost your little boy. I hate it. I am so sorry. What a sweet little guy he is. It was so great to run into you the other day. You are beautiful inside and out. I will continue to pray for you and your amazing, sweet family.

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