Thank you every one for your tips and suggestions, I've taken all into consideration. I cut my hair only to my shoulders. Although my hair has thinned considerably since my haircut. One of my best friends bought me some powder for my scalp and is going to go with me to a wig shop, to get a feel for that possibility. She also is helping bring in some humor such as: a red bandana and a hoody so I can have a 2 Pac look. Also, a wig with a cute 50's swim cap, so all can envy my 50's-ness at the pool, etc. This is totally my sense of humor. I'm just still building up courage and trying to accept feeling this on top of that.
You would think that I would have a lot of time on my hands. I have one potty trained son (still have occasional constipation/holding in accidents though (sigh)). I work from home..easing back into it, very little these days. I'm also easing back into cooking (which I love, I'm a foodie just hate the clean up & grocery store part), no big deal. But somehow life is incredibly busy, which is good and bad. Good, because there are days... honestly at least half, that I don't want to get out of bed. And I'm forced with super-hero strength to get up, brush my teeth, wipe off and stop the tears and go and go and go. Bad, because my body is still healing and I'm still legally handi-capable. I literally text Ryan "yo, I did the dishes... go me!!!". And just so we're clear, I live in a house from 1952 & something w/our plumbing running uphill blah blah... a disposal isn't really gonna happen. So I sorta hand wash my dishes before they go in the dishwasher. If I don't they just aren't clean. It's the #1 thing I hate about my house. I spend an hour+/day washing dishes. I actually fantasized about doing dishes while in the hospital though. So although it's hard on my legs, it's okay.
Going bald is very hard. I have miraculously and gratefully never had anyone close to me go through cancer treatment. I've seen and known of people who have, and felt sorry for them, but not ever had empathy for the 'loss of the hair' part. Which I know, is the least of their worries. I know my hair loss is a reflection of what my body has been through. It's NOT STRESS. Stress on my body, yes. I've not named all of my injuries until now. (Because I'm going to in a moment here). My broken hand for example, after they took off the bandages had a lot of hair on it. My hands aren't typically hairy. The Dr said it was because of all the blood circulating to my injuries causing more hair to grow. My legs were so hairy, I've never seen anything like it in my life. I had a hairy hand and my legs were just as hairy as Ryan's in and right out of the hospital (they don't let you shave when you're on blood thinners). I've expressed how badly I wish to be pregnant. I've also openly expressed my struggles with infertility. I guess, for me, losing my hair is a sign that getting pregnant is even further away than I imagined. After all, I don't think a woman who is going bald is likely to get pregnant, especially if you're infertile. Again, I am admittedly feeling sorry for myself. I know, in the long run it will be okay... I know. But, just bare with me. I'm bald. I miss my dove. and I still haven't had a period... therefore, I'm very unlikely to conceive for a very long time. I'm a realist. Sometimes I wish I wasn't though.
Over the weekend I was expressing to a casual friend how bad it sucks to be going bald. She looked at me and said, "it's okay". I know she meant well. She has a full head of extensions 24/7 for the 9+ years that I've known her. I guess, really I'm feeling sorry for myself. I, Kelly Pack am feeling sorry for myself because I've been through a lot and now I'm gonna be bald or nearly bald. Every time I take a shower I cry. I assume the Rogaine isn't working, but I keep on keepin' on using it. So much hair comes out. I look back on clients, or people in passing that I've known or seen that have been going bald from chemo and I didn't give them the sympathy or understanding every man, woman or child deserves. I always just said a little prayer in my heart that I hope they beat it. I'm pretty chopped up all over my body and will wear these scars for life. I walk funny. But going bald... is far worse and horrifying than these. Going bald sucks! Everybody that has gone through this or who is going through this, I feel you! If you are stronger than me and proud of it, I envy you. If you've been there, done that, I can't wait to be you.
We finally chose a picture for Colum's headstone. We chose one that we are in love with that is a candid shot, and the closest and most appropriate that we have of him until his death. I cannot describe how hard this has been. I wish I could capture his entire essence into this headstone. After we visit him we walk around and look at other headstones. I'm really interested in the older ones and really find them to be beautiful. A lot of them are children or babies and I try and imagine how hard it must have been to lose children... possibly multiple children way back when. We started a new tradition last Sunday. We are going to have regular picnics and/or dessert with him. For Father's Day we bought a super awesome camping picnic table that's portable. I almost cried when I thought of the idea after we bought it. We can sit our handi-capable bums on the seats (sitting on the ground is nearly impossible) and picnic with Colum all the time! Plus it doubles as what it's purpose is for camping! It's a new family tradition. Family. It's something that is my everything right now. My little Family is everything.
Today as it was my turn to carpool to preschool. I walk them to the the entrance which is behind a pretty large house and around the back. I can't run. Finn and my Niece sorta race and I noticed Finn say "stop, don't run", and then he looked back at me. It made me smile. He knows. He notices. Momma can't run. She can't keep up. He's protecting me in a sense, he's looking out fo me, he cares. I love him.
|last days with long hair. it was pretty sick and thin, I was was happy to cut it.|
|day of my haircut. it looks fine here. my scalp is showing though now. I wish it would stop falling out here, but it keeps coming out!|