I've been needing to feel close to him lately, I needed to talk to him. I shamefully realized I've barely gone to his grave and never by myself. I started crying, or was I already crying? I think I'm strangely not attached to his grave because we were unable to attend the burial. We are still working on the headstone. And some days it just doesn't seem real. I jumped up out of bed, went and picked up my prescription with tears streaming down my face. I think most of the town knows our story. If they don't I don't care, I just am a lady that cries openly in public now. I found his mound of dirt decorated with windmills, silk flowers, toys, and lots of other colorful things. It helped it look a lot happier than just an empty square of dirt. I haven't been able to kneel down on my knees so I just lied down on the grass and cried. I didn't know if or how I'd be able to stand back up. I lied there and talked to my baby. I know what's underneath that dirt. It's apart of my soul. It's a hero. It's my Colum.
I know a lot of people are wondering how Finn is handling this. I think he's still getting used to our new life too. When we talk about Colum he laughs and you can see there is a memory playing in his head of his baby Brother behind his brown eyes. He doesn't cry. He doesn't understand why Mommy cries. He misses his brother but doesn't understand how big of a tragedy this is. I think we are lucky that he is at an age where he thinks he can be Spiderman when he grows up and the affects of this don't seem to traumatize him.
We are trying to think of what to put on our babies headstone. I casually asked some friends if they had any ideas and the most perfect words started coming out of our friend Jane's mouth. It's from a book her mother-in-law gives to all her grandchildren when they are born. The book is called 'Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You'.
We wanted you more
than you ever will know,
so we sent love to follow
wherever you go.
You are our angel, our darling,
our star... and our love will find you,
wherever you are.
(I changed the I's to we's and the my's to our's)
We are still trying to choose a picture and few other things on the front. I'm thinking a dove and maybe some honeysuckles (Colum's birth flower tattooed on Daddy's back). The stone we chose is dark green. And we want most of the writing to be white, so it pops out. I also, want it to be simple, classic, not too ornate.
Any thoughts or great ideas?