If you are anything like me, if you could go back to High School now; knowing what you now know you would be different. You wouldn't care about what people thought about you. I carried a lot of pain with me back then. I thought I was fat and I was tiny. I thought that I was homely and I wasn't.
Ever since the accident has happened I think I've gone a step further. I think part of my pain involves wanting to tell my old pain that they can go screw themselves because they didn't know what pain was. I was weak. I had it all. I was happy. I didn't even know what happy was. Sometimes I wish that I would have lost him another way. Where I had months to absorb the horrible future and remember the last time I held him... knowingly held him. I shamefully don't remember the very last moments I, his Mother spent holding, cuddling, or talking to him. We have a handful of wonderful friends that all had babies (all boys) the same year as Colum. Two others were even born on the 29th of the month too. When I was in the hospital I remember telling Ryan that there was no way I'd ever be able to be around or see them again. How could I? I was beyond terrified of what that would do to me. I knew I couldn't live like that and made a decision before I left the hospital that I wasn't going to let that effect me. I was going to be strong. Recently, we had a gathering where a lot of them were there. I find myself watching them. It makes me happy to watch them, see their behavior, and hear what words they have to say. It is hard however because I didn't plan on them getting bigger. I didn't expect them to grow taller or advance like normal toddlers do. I suppose because this happened to me, they are all suppose to freeze in time.... not their parents' lives, I just forgot that the 'boys' would grow bigger. The 'boys' are growing bigger and my Colum isn't. I didn't prepare myself for this part of it. It's a bittersweet feeling. I truly am so glad to have these boys that I will get to watch grow-up. I will always know right where my Colum will be. It makes me happy to have them around, but it will be hard to watch them grow up, because my Dove isn't growing up too.
I think lately I've been just plain frightened of the future. I desperately want to have more children (at least one). But, the further away I get from the accident the more I'm realizing that my life will go on, I will be truly happy, and things will go back to normal.... but there will always be a small dark cloud hovering over me. I can't think of what comic strip it is but that's what it reminds me of. I can see myself being pregnant and having another child or 2, but there's that cloud. And it's a little bit terrifying to realize and except my cloud. My cloud represents the loss, the ache, and the deadened part of my soul. It hovers over me always. I know Colum is my angel, my sunshine, and my dove :). But I'm terrified that no matter how happy or how wonderful life gets, it will follow me. I'm learning to get used to my dark cloud even though it's frightening, it's apart of me. It's painstakingly mine now.