::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

4.16.2012

Packing

I'm packing for our first family vacation.  I'm very excited.  I'm sad he's not able to come with us.  I'm sad that I'm not stressing out about what we are going to do with our monster all day since he's too young to be in the childcare, and how his schedule will get totally messed up.  We were supposed to go on a cruise in February and I was so stressed about what we were going to do with a clumsy toddler on a ship.  I wonder how long it will take for the resort staff to get used to the lady who walks around crying, or if my sunglasses will be on the whole time and no one will even know.  


We have relatives staying at our house which is a huge relief.  I've dreamt about going to the beach for years now.  In the hospital Ryan would tell the nurses and Dr's about after we get to walking we are definitely going somewhere... I never thought it would really happen.  I can't believe it.  Finn is going on his first airplane ride.  I hope he doesn't get scared!  I hope the airplane doesn't crash and I hope I don't sit and worry about it crashing.  


Another Angel Mom left me a link to this article about grief.  It explains things so perfectly as it did for her.  Thank you Ashley.  



I'm learning to play my piano.  And I love my piano because it's all I have left.

I'm also honored to be a guest blogger on Smitten by again.  So check out my post on the 23rd.  And I will be back in about 11 days to tell you all about the vacation of my dreams.  Maybe some pics of our attempts on sandcastles, and getting a tan.  


And thank you so much for reading and thank you again for all of the sweet comments.  It really brightens my day with every single one.  Love to you all.  I hope you all have a wonderful and sunny 11 days!

17 comments:

  1. Have fun on your trip! You deserve it!

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  2. I hope the trip goes well, sunglasses and all. Much love to you and your family.

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  3. Kelly, I am very sorry you have to learn to live with your piano or your cloud...... I still can only imagine the pain, anger and sadness you must fight every minute of everyday. It is awful and something no one should ever have to do. It is not fair that your family has to learn to deal with this yet you are so strong and positive, you look forward to a new (different) future. I am glad that you are able to cry a lot, I think to myself that must help you get through your minutes and hours... I also think if I were in your shoes I would feel every emotion a human can have a billion times a day... Ups and downs... I think the beach and the ocean will be a great place for the three of you go, it is so peaceful, so relaxing, very calming... I continue to pray for The three of you and colum every single day. I admire you and your amazing strength... I can't wait to hear how it went!

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  4. You guys are going to have the time of your life... my family went on our first cruise in September with my husbands entire family. There were almost 30 of us on that ship. We have decided that cruising is BY FAR the very best way to travel. We went on the Baja California Cruise so it was short and sweet. ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!

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  5. Have an amazing time! Your excitement about going is contagious and comes through your writing just like every emotion you experience and share here with us. I hope you have have a bit of an escape from your everyday world and make some amazing memories with all your boys. Take pictures, eat great food, enjoy the waves, sun wind and your Dove will float by on a cloud. All my love, Jessica Moehle

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  6. Have a great time Kelly! Cruises are so much fun. Can't wait to hear about your trip:)

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  7. Have a GREAT time:) Hope you will beable to feel some peace while your away!

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  8. I hope you have so much fun! I am so happy that you guys get to have a fun getaway! I hope you feel your sweet Colum with you. My Grandma passed away in 2009. In April just a couple of months before her passing, the following event happened:
    http://www.thekeddingtonchronicles.blogspot.com/2009/04/not-so-easter-bunny.html
    The reason I share this is because my Grandma now uses "This little symbol" to communicate with me. I know she does! I am so glad this above story happened because she uses it to let us know she is with us and loves us, and is still a part of our lives. I will see PB bunnies on a book at a bookstore on my birthday, on the back of someone's car window during vaction, etc, etc
    I know someone else said on your blog to watch for signs of him being around you. If you have a little item or theme that you associate with him, if you think of him, I KNOW he will be with you, and you will be able to know that. I know nothing could replace him physically being there with you, but you know he's not going to miss your first family vacation. I bet he's so excited to let you know he's there with you. I pray that you will get every sign in the world of him being there with you while you are away, and I hope that you have a wonderful, beautiful vacation.

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  9. I hope you all are having a WONDERFUL vacation!!! Can't wait to hear about it! :)

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  10. Have so much fun! And I hope you don't stress too much...just relax :)

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  11. Wishing you and your boys the most wonderful stress-free vacation! And as for your last post...I'm one of those who's got a little guy to watch grow up everyday, who was born on June 30, '10. When I read your blog, my heart aches for you. And when I have a day where I get frustrated with Grayson's messes public tantrums or poopy diapers, I remember you and sweet Colum. And I turn that frustration around and keep going. You are my hero. And you probably wish you weren't. But you are. I'm sorry that you have had to become a hero. I hope that your 'dark cloud' can one day be lifted. And if not, hidden by the fact that you do have an angel looking over you. {Hugs}
    Jamie Hofheins

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  12. I loved the article. Here is a mama who plays her piano beautifully and the music that she and her boy make spreads hope like WILD FIRE. I especially love how this keeps his little memory so alive! It will happen for you too in time, I just know it. Till then I pray for peace that passes understanding... http://www.bensbells.org/

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  13. I read your article on Smitten By and I can relate in many ways. We (women) are so hard on ourselves. It's so easy to think of what we aren't doing or what we don't look like. I am glad you wrote about that and your struggles. We all have struggles that we have to overcome and you have overcome them. You are so strong & beautiful and you have a wonderful husband who loves you. You have been through so much together and I'm sure it strengthens your relationship. You really are loved and cared about by so many around you, and I hope you can truly feel that.

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  14. Your blog is the most amazing thing. You have so much strength and are such an amazing example to me. You make me thankful for all I have, and I am so glad you and your husband and Finn are Ok.
    http://knownitwasyou.blogspot.com

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  15. Kelly, I read your article on Smitten, loved it! I felt that same way growing up, and still don't seem to "fit in" anywhere. I've been married for 39 yrs, have 2 adult daughters and one new grandbaby. Yet, I still can't get that feeling of being truly loved! So I am sooo happy for you and what you have. Even with your Piano you have so much! I pray for you and your family everyday. Keep smiling your adorable Dove is watching you!

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  16. I have been reading your family story form the start. You are a very strong person girl!!I cry with you. I was going to your old web site and found your new sight. Last night I was catching up with you and your family and I just cried! Those pics that you post with Colum made me smile! But what I wanted to say too you those last pic of Colum with Mommy and Daddy he look so much at peace. I felt so calm after seeing those pic and before I was crying my eyes out. I'm not a religious person but seeing those pic I know he is with you every day. I can't even manage what you and your family going threw. I have a 3 year old and she my life! I hope your pain comes less and you can move on. Cause face it will never move on with are lost but lets hope you can move it to a special part of your heart and be happy and not cry as much ;) Take care and keep being a strong person! I hope to see you are pregnant in a year!

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  17. Hi Kelly,

    A friend of mine lost her son recently. I remembered this post about learning to play your piano and I wanted to have her read it, however, the article is no longer at the link you referenced above. Do you know of another place it could be? Or did you print it? I loved reading it and I think it would be so helpful for her.

    Thanks!

    Heather

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