We walk funny. It's just the way it is. I'm so happy to be walking (and toileting myself) that it doesn't bother or embarrass me one bit. But when you are staying at an all-inclusive resort walking funny comes across as something completely different :). Also, when you walk with a limp after a full day your back and hips can begin to ache. One night, I was walking up the small hill to the main lobby, which led to our room. I had both hands on my lower back, and I passed a woman who nicely and casually asked, "Long day?". I awkwardly sorta laughed and said something I don't remember. But I wanted to say, "no, I'm newly handicap and my lower back is killing me from walking with a limp, and my eyes look so tired because I cry every single day-all the time because my baby isn't here with us anymore & my heart and soul literally ache for him every second. Because somebody who had no business driving decided to drive a Suburban & hit our car head-on... and did I mention that it was on Christmas Eve".
That's what I wanted to say again another night when some men behind me were having a laugh at me walking the way I do up the same hill (ramps/hills are not fun on our knees we learned), about how tired I must be.
It doesn't offend me when things like this happen. It's just my personality to explain 'why' and that I didn't binge drink all day and trip & fall, that's not 'why' I walk like this. I walk like this proudly because I lied in a hospital bed for 7 weeks wishing to walk in any way possible. Practically scraping the windows to get out. I guess I just want them to know that no, actually I've gone to hell and back... so shut the hell up and give me a pat on the back, even a high five, a slap on the butt I could handle.
We got to lay on hammocks on the beach, something we've never done before. Something I've fantasized about for, well my entire life. I listened to books on my kindle and closed my eyes while the waves crashed along the beach. Finn conquered his fear of being in water that he can't touch the bottom of (with floaties on) by himself with nobody holding him! He would swim across the entire gigantic pool, this made us very happy. Finn, isn't a daredevil, climber, or rough & tumble type. He's a cautious, funny, thoughtful, and adventurous type. On the 3rd day I got some sort of flu (I swear leave it to me to get sick). Ryan and Finn went and built a huge sandcastle which he captured on our video camera which is out of batteries and I have yet to watch. We got really tan, Ryan actually doesn't have a hint of 'farmer tan' on him. This is the 1st time since I've known him. Except for the sock line, he has to wear tennis shoes so he can wear his AFO so he can walk. His hip was broken and his sciatic nerve was damaged so he has something called foot drop. His left foot just hangs there kinda like in a pointed position. He can't move it. He can't flex it. He can't feel most of it and a lot of his left leg. But, when he wears his shoes and AFO it enables him to walk almost normal. If he doesn't wear it, he has to lift up his left leg pretty high so he can flop that foot up and around flat again. <---I couldn't type that without laughing. It's really funny to watch. Poor bugger has to wear shoes all day long and doesn't take them off until right before he goes to sleep. Oh, don't worry he makes fun of me all the time too. We make fun of each other and do impressions of each other's new walks. But since his sciatic nerve wasn't severed his feeling and flexing should come back again. Nerve damage just takes a very long time to heal... years even.
|Ryan walking without his tennis shoes on :) Go Ryan!|
|Finn's 1st time at 'swim' beach. Loved it!|
On our vacation I learned that my highest happiness level can't get quite to a 10. It can only get to about a 5. I know in time when I get better at playing my piano it will get up to a 10 again. I was able to get to a 5 a few times and it felt nice. I felt sad a lot because every meal we went to and the hostess asks how many it's now 3, not 4. Dropping off only 1 child at the kids club, not 2. Wrestling matches on the bed and feeling like something's missing. Watching other families with more than 1 child, and the parents trying to wrangle the little ones while the older misbehave. I miss the chaos of having 2. I miss taking deep breaths and telling myself it will get easier and I can do this. I miss having to buckle up 2 carseats. I miss 2 brothers laughing at something secret. I miss telling the hostess 4.
More pics from our trip...
|We bought Finn a batman costume and Dad a mask from the beach vendors...|
|Family picture in front of the famous arch by lover's beach.|
|Alone time with the Man of the house.|
|Living out my hammock dreams and Finn in his floaties.|