::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

3.13.2012

Emotional wreckage

My MacBook is dead, the battery charger stopped charging. I'm typing, like old times (while I was in the hospital), on my iPad. I love my iPad, but typing isn't as great. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel lucky to be alive, to be walking, & to be home. But, I miss the other half of my kids. It's so indescribably hard. We cry every night. Most mornings I cry. When I'm home alone I cry loudly, I sometimes scream. We talk about how tough he was, how he could've lived in the bath tub, how big he'd gotten, how he wasn't as ticklish as Finn, and I often wonder if he would have liked the snow.

He was a Momma's boy all day long but, as soon as Daddy walked in the door he was all Daddy's. He was fearless yet loving, a tough guy yet sweet. I cry as I type this, I cry a lot lately... It feels like I'm crying more instead of less, it doesn't get easier but, I didn't expect it too. We were just crying, looking at the pictures the nurses took of us holding our baby for the last time. His eyes were closed. It's sadly a foggy memory for me but I remember wanting to just see his blue eyes just one last time. He was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines, and he had to wear a neck brace. For part of the time they dressed him down to just his diaper so we could feel his skin against ours. We look at the pictures and marvel at the beauty of his body. His perfect belly button, and baby-someday-be-a-man shoulders. He was so beautiful and so perfect. My miracle baby.

My sister told me I screamed that whole night after they had to take our baby from our arms & wheeled me back to the ICU. She said I screamed "my baby", & she kept asking the nurses if it was ok. They told her it was & let a mother who knew she'd lost something she couldn't get back scream. I didn't remember the screaming but immediately cried when she told me that. I remember the shock, pain, and trying to accept the future. I still scream, I think I will always have those days. I miss my Momma's boy right now, Finn misses his brother, and Daddy misses his "tough guy".

It's not letting me upload my favorite video of Colum, but I will... Perhaps a post of nothing but pictures and videos of my sweet, very much missed, Colum. Colum, we love you!

41 comments:

  1. I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone through. I am so sorry. I think it is so therapeutic for you to blog about your experiences. My heart goes out to you and your family. Stay strong for yourself, your husband, Finn and for Colum. That is what he would want.

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  2. I have been following your story since it happened and my heart breaks for what you are going through. My little brother passed away Dec 29 and his funeral was the same day as Colums. I know that the pain we are feeling is very different but I do know in a way know how you are feeling, no he wasnt my child, but he was 14yrs younger than me so I felt like he was. I cry and scream everyday so does my mom. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May the Lord bless and watch over us all and maybe help us to feel some sort of peace.

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  3. Oh, tears for you and your precious family right now. It just doesn't seem fair for you, and for that I am so sorry. I pray that you can feel him around you. He is not physically with you right now. But, he was in your heart before he came to you in mortality, and I truly believe that those sweet Angels who leave early dwell in the presence of those they loved so much here on Earth. I pray with all of my heart that you can feel him close to you. Just as he was in your heart before you met him on Earth, I pray you can feel him in your heart now and always.
    What special little boys you have. Thank You for sharing them with all of us who read your blog, and are in your life in other ways.
    The far reaching effects of the spirit of your family have touched SO MANY. Thank you for that. I pray for your peace and comfort. (Hugs)
    -Angela-

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  4. I am in another state and have followed your blog for awhile now and cry often and pray too for you and your family that I don't even know. But know that you have touched my heart (making me cry with you) helping me love my family more. I love your honesty and candor through it all and will pray for you to receive the blessings that you need when you need them!

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  5. Your posts always make me cry. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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  6. This is just heartbreaking. I am so sorry and I feel I need to personally enjoy the now more. And not wish my kids older just because some days are a little bit hard. (a little side note- my toddler, Preslee, was throwing up the other day, all morning long. And then I put some of the peppermint oil, you gave me, on her stomach and she didn't throw up the rest of day. I don't know if it was a fluke or what, but I really think the oils helped. I will have to order some from you)

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  7. My heart breaks for you. I too think it is great that you can write about this and you write about it so beautifully. Sending you love.

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    1. If I could take some of your pain away and bear it for you I would. Live each day with a little hope . . . hope that one day the pain will ease, hope that one day you won't start each day with crying . . . there is always HOPE. Wishing you a day with less pain and crying.

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  8. My heart too, is breaking for you. Go ahead and scream and cry. Some day you will be less raw.

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  9. Sweet Kelly, I can only imagine that I would scream, too, after such a loss. I am so very terribly sad thinking of you going through all this. I pray that you will be comforted. I would love to see pictures and videos of your little sweetheart in an upcoming post.

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  10. ♥ you Kelly. My Sadie Ruth was stillborn. It hurts so bad sometimes, but I am grateful it was four years ago and that She died before I got to know her. I can't imagine loving her outside the womb for a year and a half and then saying goodbye suddenly. Stay strong and know you're loved.

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  11. This post is heart wrenching. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is and I am so sad you have to experience this. No mother and father should. I wish I could make this all go away for you. I would do it in a heartbeat! Sadly, I cannot change this situation for you. I hope all the prayers on your behalf help with the grieving. Hang in there, because one day the pain will start to lessen. You are very loved by those around you and you will get through this Kelly!

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  12. I was fine until I got to the part where you said "he would have liked the snow" and then i lost it. I am so sorry for your loss, I can not even imagine the pain. The pain that will go away and the pain that will always be there. I was wearing my Column bracelet yesterday. I am married to Brett's best friend Troy, so I have been here since the beginning.

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  13. Kelly, what a remarkable and amazing person you are. Thank you for sharing and stay strong! So very glad I found you on smitten by and look forward to hearing more from you in the future!

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  14. I am at such a loss for words over the things you are facing in your life. Just know that much love and prayers are coming from me. Even though I don't know you, I feel we are all connected.

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  15. What an unbelievable tradgedy. I came here from smitten and ended up reading your blog for almost 45 mins!! You have our prayers as you go through, undeniably, the hardest time in your life.

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  16. You are the most amazing woman i know (dont really know, but feel like i do), And i thank you for making me hold my kids a little tighter And longer each day. I really hope some of your pain can go away, And his prescence will be known to you, your husband And your boy. You have so gracefully And couragously fought hard to get better And keep moving.. Keep fighting, he is there..... He will always be with you especially in Finn. So when you feel worse, hug your handsome boy tighter And longer. Good luck to you.. Like i said in another post on here..... your family deserves the world, And i pray for peace And comfort for you And your family. I live right by the site where this tragedy happened And still my kids blow kisses to your little man everytime we pass it.

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  17. I can't fathom...there are no words. My heart breaks for all of you every day. I am constantly sending love to you; I can't imagine how hard it must be to try and vocally release your heartbreak. Let the tears fall, that's what they're there for -- to help cleanse you. I can't wait to give you a hug. All my love.

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  18. I just read your blog and sobbed the whole way through. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. <3

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  19. Just read your post on Smitten By. Thank you so much for sharing!!!

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  20. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like. You are in my thoughts

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  21. I just got sent over by smitten by, I read a lot of your posts on your blog. I'm so glad that essential oils are helping you out so much. I too, use essential oils, but through a different company. I have a friend who has been telling me about doterra oils, they have some oils that are not through the company I'm currently using. I actually have a story of my own about oils. I was passing out often, couldn't speak, driving was out of the question, my vision was always going from normal to cloudy at any moment. It was hard for my kids(5 kids) to comprehend, they were telling there teachers at school that I was dying. I had a newborn not even 3 months old at the time. I had numerous tests, but nothing showed up as a problem. Finally I went to see a neurologist, the guy I saw was amazing, he said that I was as healthy as a horse! But what was happening (very common) was I don't release emotion like I should. I hold onto it, and some traumatic event comes and makes all my emotions erupt like a volcano in my mind, causing distress signals to be sent through out my body from my brain. He said he's seen it so bad that people have become half paralyzed from no treatment. Because the brain is so powerful, it can make your body have these reactions or worse, because it controls every part of your body. He was telling me a year or two of counseling may help my condition, but he didn't know. My parents and sister in law had been using essential oils for awhile through a company called forevergreen.org my sister in law convinced me to try a test where you see what emotion your body wants to get rid of and use oils on certain parts of your body for about 10 days, to release those emotions. I tried that consistently, I was using those oils every day, releasing so many emotions. After about 2 months of using them I saw an improvement and so did my husband. I tried a few times to stop taking the oils, and when I did symptoms would come back so I knew my body wasn't ready to stop, it wanted to keep going! After about 7 months, I stopped doing the tests and things have been so much better. All the symptoms have gone. I found out that the traumatic thing that caused my body to have that happen to it was just from having a baby. Having a baby is really traumatic on your body, but I hadn't really thought of it that way. I do use some oils when we get sick and it really helps us all to get over the sickness faster. I don't know very much about oils, I only have a handful of them, but the ones I do have I'm so glad I have! I would love to win one of your giveaways! Thanks for your story, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm grateful for the kindness of others in your time of need, I too, had tremendous help from church members and friends. The trials we face, can seem so out of place in our lives. Never knowing what we are supposed to learn from them, but hoping we learn what we are supposed to learn and be the person we are meant to become. I learned from reading your posts, its important not to lose sight of why we are here, and how important our family and friends are. It can be so easy to take the ones we love for granted, trying to savor each and every moment. Thats what I need to work on, and thank for reminding me of that.-Charlene Mendez (skittlesrainbow2000@yahoo.com)

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  22. You are stronger than you know. Thanks for putting your heart on the line for others & yourself to find strength. My prayers are with you.

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  23. I don't know you but I feel great compassion for your family. I know that Jesus died for all of us and that one day you will be reunited with your little man. The spirit will bring comfort to your family always and the light and service that you give to others will come back one hundred fold. I will definetly order the oils through you. God bless you and your family.

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  24. I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is not an easy road to travel. I've been on my journey of it for over 2 years. I hope and pray that you and your family will find peace in your hearts.

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  25. This is one of the hardest posts I've read yet. I'm hurting for all of you so much and I cry daily.... I continually pray for you guys, donate and send gifts of love (another one on it's way) in hopes to help lighten the pain, if only just for a second.
    Your family is never far from my mind and heart and frankly, never will be.
    Love to you all!!

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  26. Some things will never be understood in this lifetime, this is one of them. My heart, my love and my prayers are with you. When the time is perfect, you will see your little boy again, until then may you be blessed with the love that surrounds you!

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  27. I have been reading for a while and am heartbroken for you and your family. But reading this latest post just took my breath away. There are no words for your loss. I would cry and scream just as much. I will pray for you tonight.

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  28. All I can do is cry as I read this Kelly and again.... I'm so sorry for your loss of your little Dove, Ryan's Tough Guy, and Finn's little brother! I can't even imagine what you all are going through. It's good to cry and scream, I would too. I would love for you to share more pics for your little boy, he's a handsome boy along with his older brother Finn!
    I check your blog almost everyday and look forward to reading your posts ( you should think about writing a book, you're very talented).
    Take care!

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  29. I know typing on the iPad isn't fun at all! There's an electronics store here that sells a great keyboard that's Bluetooth for the iPad. It's a regular sized keyboard. I'd like to purchase one and send it to you, if that's ok. If you'd allow me to do that, please email me phsgradin2005@yahoo.com

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  30. My heart is literally aches for you. I think about you every day and cry for you. My boy is a blonde hazel eyed 15 month old and like Colum is to you, he's my heart and soul. I think about why it is that I get to hold him in my arms and your baby was taken. I don't know why. It isn't right and it isn't fair. Ryan and Finn are so lucky to have you and for you to have them. You are an amazing wife and mother. You're dove is watching over you, he's by your side and cries with you and will always be near you.

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  31. It's just indescribable what your having to live through. I hate that you have to miss your little guy. Do you remember that day you came for a playdate at my house and Finn had that puzzle. Well, I found a piece of it a couple weeks ago when I was moving around furniture. It now sits up on my treadmill. I look at it a lot when I run and I think about you and it makes me push myself because I know you would be if you were able to run right now. I am so sad for your suffering and wish so much there was a way to make it easier. I know you miss him, and yes, I think he would have liked the snow. Thinking of you lots.... Heidi

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  32. Thank you Lord for this kind of love, the love of a parent for their child. There is no greater love, I'm convinced! I hope your days get easier, I think you are already so brave and strong. There is a song by "Mandisa", called "Just Cry". It's a beautiful song, and it says - just cry, you don't have to be so strong and that crying doesn't mean you don't trust God, it doesn't mean you don't believe in Him, and it doesn't mean you don't know He's Redeeming everything". I love this song, and it helps us know that it's ok to feel pain, to feel anger, and that feeling this doesn't lessen you. It will make you stronger, and all the while knowing that God is going to fix this for you. You have got to know that you will be in Heaven with Colum, and get to hold him again, you have to know that better days are ahead. I really believe this, and I hope you can too.
    Love,
    Another Mother of a boy

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  33. Today my Finn was climbing all over me, yanking my hands away from my keyboard, squishing my face, and being pretty noisy. I kept telling him to stop and was getting irritated, when Colum popped into my mind. I finally just let him love on me. I then couldn't stop thinking of you and just aching for you. I'm so sorry you have lost your little Dove. I cannot imagine what life is like for you now, and I know it isn't much, but I wanted you to know that I'm sure there are many people who give their children more meaningful hugs because of your Colum.

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  34. Soooo sad for you! My heart aches and the tears flow....as usual. Hang in there and remember we're cheering you on!

    Love, Ashlee Nielsen

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  35. I cry for you often, it's just not fair. I drive past the accident site every day and see those deflated blue balloons and get so teary eyed. I think I will get new balloons to put there for you. He will always be remembered even by me, a stranger. I love you and your family and ache for you.

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  36. My heart aches for your family, its a nightmare you are having to live. I pray for you everyday, I pray that somehow you all can find comfort. I love reading your blog, it helps me to remember my important items in life (my family) and to never take any of them for granted. I wish you never would have had to say good bye to your beautiful Colum, no parent should ever have to do that with their children. These little ones come into our lives and instantly steel our hearts, they bring us our sweet joy, our happiness. Please hold onto your memories of your sweet angel and know that you are and will always be his Mommy!
    Also, I pray you are healing and doing well with your broken up body. So glad you are home and being able to be with your sweet Finn.

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  37. Oh Kelly, my heart is broken for you. I think of your family every day. I pray for you every day as well. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Life just isn't fair sometimes. I wish I had the answers. Please know that you have people all over the country praying for you, Finn and Ryan.

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  38. I shared your story with a friend today and we cried together for you. You are strong, you are amazing, you are an inspiration! None of this makes sense of why, but I believe one day you will be reunited with your little guy. Prayers hugs and love being sent your way from southern Utah!!

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  39. This post, along with others, has me sitting here sobbing. I can't imagine what your family has gone through. I can't imagine how much you miss that beautiful, precious baby boy. My heart aches so much for you. I pray you find comfort and strength in these unimaginably hard times. Praying for you.

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