My MacBook is dead, the battery charger stopped charging. I'm typing, like old times (while I was in the hospital), on my iPad. I love my iPad, but typing isn't as great. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel lucky to be alive, to be walking, & to be home. But, I miss the other half of my kids. It's so indescribably hard. We cry every night. Most mornings I cry. When I'm home alone I cry loudly, I sometimes scream. We talk about how tough he was, how he could've lived in the bath tub, how big he'd gotten, how he wasn't as ticklish as Finn, and I often wonder if he would have liked the snow.
He was a Momma's boy all day long but, as soon as Daddy walked in the door he was all Daddy's. He was fearless yet loving, a tough guy yet sweet. I cry as I type this, I cry a lot lately... It feels like I'm crying more instead of less, it doesn't get easier but, I didn't expect it too. We were just crying, looking at the pictures the nurses took of us holding our baby for the last time. His eyes were closed. It's sadly a foggy memory for me but I remember wanting to just see his blue eyes just one last time. He was hooked up to all sorts of tubes and machines, and he had to wear a neck brace. For part of the time they dressed him down to just his diaper so we could feel his skin against ours. We look at the pictures and marvel at the beauty of his body. His perfect belly button, and baby-someday-be-a-man shoulders. He was so beautiful and so perfect. My miracle baby.
My sister told me I screamed that whole night after they had to take our baby from our arms & wheeled me back to the ICU. She said I screamed "my baby", & she kept asking the nurses if it was ok. They told her it was & let a mother who knew she'd lost something she couldn't get back scream. I didn't remember the screaming but immediately cried when she told me that. I remember the shock, pain, and trying to accept the future. I still scream, I think I will always have those days. I miss my Momma's boy right now, Finn misses his brother, and Daddy misses his "tough guy".
It's not letting me upload my favorite video of Colum, but I will... Perhaps a post of nothing but pictures and videos of my sweet, very much missed, Colum. Colum, we love you!