::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.19.2012

My little Dove

Sorry about the lack of posts lately, for I am sick again.  My right gland in my neck became swollen and sore.  And on Friday night my in-home-nurse came to change my dressing on my PICC line.  He felt my skin and immediately took my temperature.  I had a high fever.  I secretly knew something was wrong but was perfectly comfortable in my state of denial and inability to get out of bed.  He told me, I had to go in.  Then I remembered one of the Infectious Disease Docs so kindly gave me her cell #.  We called her, she said I had to go in. 

When I arrived at the ER my fever had broke and I had no temperature.  I was placed on a very uncomfortable bed for 5 hours in the hallway of the ER before I was taken for observation.  The hospital was very crowded a lot of the floors had no empty beds.  In ECU where they took me the only room that was empty was a cement square room that had a bolt lock on the door, which had a small square window with blinds on the outside.  The bolt lock, locked only from the outside.  "Is this where you take patients who are prisoners",  I asked.  "No, no", they awkwardly replied.  Before I fell asleep a girl came to draw more blood and told me this is where violent patients are kept, and from that moment on my imagination ran wild about what had happened in that very room in the past.  The room had no heater, and my fever never spiked but was consistently low, so I was cold in a very cold room.  They drew cultures which take 3 days to determine if there are any new bugs in my system.  Since my fever didn't spike I was positive it was connected to my swollen gland and it was viral.  I was miraculously released the next morning. 

On arriving home I put my heating blanket on the highest setting and laid under it for almost 4 hours before I was able to finally get warm.  I turned it off and took a nap.  When I woke I took my temperature and it was 102.3 deg.  "Okay, if I'm still feverish tomorrow then I give up all hopes of it being viral", I've thought to myself.  It's tomorrow, and another fever is about to break right now.  I probably should go back to the hospital.  I can't bring myself to do it, not yet.  There are no Doctors there on the weekends or at least very little of them and + Monday is a holiday.  I'm rationalizing that what I'm doing at home is what I'd be doing there anyways...laying under blankets in bed waiting for the results of the cultures to come back.  Am I surprised this is happening again?  Yes!  I'm still doing very strong IV antibiotics at home, what on earth is wrong with me now?!?  I cry at the thought of having to leave my family again and go back.  I HATE not being in control of my own body.  If I want a drink a water,,,,I want a drink of water, if I'm cold I put a blanket on etc.  I dread the thought of eating hospital food.   My bones are healing nicely.  Everyday, it gets easier and easier to do normal, everyday tasks.  I went to my first outpatient physical therapy appointment.  I could tell my therapist was blown away and didn't know quite where to start with me due to the extent of my injuries, but it went well.  I LOVED IT!  I haven't been able to do physical therapy in 3 weeks, he couldn't believe how well I was getting around.  It felt amazing to move again.  My bone injuries feel so much better that sometimes I forget they ever happened and that I could just get up and walk into the kitchen without my walker.  Running again doesn't feel impossibly distant anymore.

What's my body fighting now?  I want so badly to move forward and to stay home.  I don't want to be exposed to more radiation.  I've done what I was supposed to.  My heart breaks for Colum.  I don't want to leave my family.

I decided to look up the meaning of Colum again, because I shamefully had forgotten.  It means Dove.  My little Dove, Colum.  It fits him with his soft blonde hair.  We cut his hair only for the 2nd time just days before the accident.  I cut my boys hair myself.  One of my sisters asked if I'd seen the hair we saved.  I'd forgotten we'd saved it!  There isn't much, but I've been running it through my fingers the last couple days.  It's so soft.  My little Dove, I miss you.  Help me be strong for I am getting weak.

30 comments:

  1. Hang in there. You will find your peace again, Kelly. I know you will. And I am sure Colum will do what he can to help you feel it. What a perfect name for your perfect little boy. Love you.

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  2. Hi Kelly, I hope you are finding yourself feeling better today. I have older girls, and had a boy 10 months ago. Because my girls were so much older, we all got very into looking up meanings of names for our pending arrival. After my girls got "I HEART Colum" bracelets, they both said that they thought that was such a cute name, and wondered what it meant. We had recently looked up your sweet little one's name meaning for this reason. What a perfect name for your fair skinned light haired little angel. I also thought about how a dove is a symbol of peace, and said a little prayer in my heart for you that your little dove would deliver peace to your soul. Lots and lots of prayers still come your way. Your family is very special. :)

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  3. stay strong says this NICU nurse. you are amazing : )

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  4. Hang in there Kelly! All your angels out here are still thinking of you and praying for you. And I'm sure your beautiful little dove is pulling for you too. Don't wait too long to get help though if you are not getting better. You don't need anything worse to happen to you! And physicians are easy to call in:) take care!

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  5. Hang in there friend praying for you!

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  6. Kelly, I'm a stranger who works up at Primary Children's. I also live near the hospitals and heard LifeFlight on Christmas Eve at home with my family, praying for whoever needed transport that night. Your family has touched my family so much. I've been reading to see how your progress is coming along. Please hang in there. You have been through so much and are an inspiration to all of us. Please know that even strangers are praying for you and your family and wishing you all the best.

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  7. Oh, I know you must be beyond frustrated, dear Kelly. I am so sorry for the roller coaster ride of health issues. Thank you for sharing that your sweet Colum's name means "dove." What a beautiful picture that gives us of peace. Praying for your peace and healing. Thank you for letting us hear from you again!

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  8. Kelly praying for you everyday, don't wait too long you don't need to end up back at the hospital sending you kisses and hugs and great GET WELL SOON (TODAY) HOPE THE FEVER IS GONE AND YOUR DOING BETTER, I LOVE CHECKING TO SEE WHAT YOU WRITE ABOUT, I LOOK FOR POSTS EVERYDAY THANKS FOR KEEPING IN TOUCH, DID YOU GET A NEW CAR YET BY CHANCE?? I HEARD THAT THE TEAM SORTING FUNDRAISER DID GOOD??

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  9. Oh Kelly. I so hope and pray that your poor body will heal so you can do all those things you want to do.

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  10. I'm sorry you're sick again. I hope your body is able to heal fully and quickly. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  11. Kelly, I hope you get better soon and they find out quickly how to help your new symptoms. Praying for you always:)

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  12. So sorry to hear of more difficulties in recovering. I'm sure your little dove is watching over you through it all.

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  13. Just wanted you to know I check your blog every day in PA. And pray and mourn for your loss. May you feel some of your Dove's peace. Colum and Finn are such darling boys.

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  14. My heart breaks for your loss. You are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your experience! My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.

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  15. Hang in there Kelly, be strong for Finn. Your little dove is watching over you. I pray for you every day and am so happy when I see you have posted. Love coming your way from Colorado!

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    1. My heart literally hurts for your heart, I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Keep running your fingers through that hair, though, because it is obviously what you need right now. Grief is such a process but it's the process of it that eventually gets you to the other end--a place of joy in acceptance. I love you, and I am praying for you.
      Danni & Rocky

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  16. I came across your blog not too long ago. I am in love with your family pictures -- the lemonade stand set-up is fantastic. I just wanted you to know I have thought of you and your family often. I am sad for you. I hope you can get over these physical challenges soon. What a nice thought to have a dove watching over you. I have a ladybug watching over me and some days that thought really does help with the grief. Lots of love and prayers coming from Arizona.

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  17. Stay strong, Kelly! It's so good to hear how well your bones are healing. I hope whatever is causing infection will follow suit and let you be well, so that you are out of the woods soon. So many are rooting from the sidelines and praying for the quick and complete recovery of your body. May your spirits be lifted by the image of that angelic dove, Colum, who hovers close by. Sending love and healing warmth. p.s. My baby's name means "gift from God." We are thankful every day for the tremendous gift that he is, knowing that we nearly lost him.

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  18. I'm so sorry you had to go back. I pray this infection leaves as soon as possible and never returns. If you guys need anything let us know. 801-361-6420

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  19. Kelly, I think about you and your family often and check your blog daily. I was sad to see that you had to go back again. I hope you kick this infection soon. I love that you have a lock of Colum's hair to run through your fingers. Stay strong. Finn needs you.

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  20. Kelly, just want you to know that I am sending many heartfelt prayers your way that you will kick this infection so you can stay at home where you belong with your family. I am praying for angels to be sent to strengthen and comfort you, and give you courage to get through this hard, hard time.

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  21. You precious girl. I have written hundreds of letters to you in my mind. Although I do not know you personally, I think of you daily, sometimes hourly.
    Your pain is unimaginable. May your "Dove" strengthen you through this infection.
    Perhaps it is much like the poem footsteps in the sand. I am grateful that you have the gospel and the knowledge of our loving Heavenly Father.

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  22. Kelly, I pray for you everyday....my heart breaks for all you have been through. I live just off of 9000 south where the dreaded accident was my backyard is the golf course where life flight landed. I have been following your blog ever since. I hope you can find peace and comfort soon. You are so strong and your little dove will keep helping you push through...prayers and love your way!! I check everyday for updates thanks for keeping us all posted...

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  23. I'm so sorry you're back here again! There will be a day that you won't have to! I'll pray that you'll get to go home soon! Keep up the great progress!

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  24. You are reminding me of all the things I want to be doing to preserve the memories of my children. I've begun taking pictures and video's of them on my phone, something I've never thought to do before (I'm way behind the times!). I look at them while I'm overnight at work and it makes me happy. I get to come home in the morning and snuggle them. I'm so sorry that you can't come home and snuggle your little dove, Colum. I know you're getting to the end of your rope, but good god!! That took and extreme amount of awful to get you to that point! Seriously blows me away how strong and positive and focused on the future you are. I have so much love and respect for you Kelly!

    Heidi

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  25. I know that Colum is with you Kelly. I am sure that he will find a way to comfort you and help you get through these times! Thinking of you and your family, as always and know that you can do this!

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  26. just as many of your blog comment start--I will start mine by saying--I don't know you, but I have read your blog and I am not even sure if I have written to you or not. My father passed away in 2009 after being hit by a pick up truck while riding his bike. It is not the same as your pain, but I also blogged through our saddness--he lived in a vegtable state from June 15th till Sept 26th until passing away in hospice-
    Continue to stay strong. In our family the pain is still there--I wish I could say it isn't, but it is livable. We find joy in our memories and try not to think about the things we/he has and will miss.
    You are amazing. Thank you for reminding me how amazing my children are and how thankful I am for them. Know that prayers are coming from a tiny town in Southern Colorado.

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  27. Kelly,
    You and your family are truly an inspiration. Because of your experience I try to be a better mother to my two little boys. I think of you often. After learning the meaning of Colum's name I found a beautiful poem that I hope brings you comfort.
    On the wings of this white dove

    "I’ll set your spirit free.

    Up into the big deep sky,

    to heaven, where you’ll be.

    I know God has a plan for us,

    he wants us by his side.

    But it is hard for us to understand

    when we are left behind.

    Little dove, help lift our hearts

    as we watch you go,

    God is there if we just ask,

    because He loves us so."

    Your little dove was called back to the heavens where he is watching over you. Hold tight to your memories and look forward to your future because there is still much for you to experience and live for.

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  28. Just another comment from someone you don't know...our thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  29. Kelly, thinking of you today and praying that you are getting better and stronger. Praying for your family to recover from this terrible tragedy. Please remember, there are many of us out here that love you!

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