::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Mi Casa

I spent 5 days in the hospital.  Within the first couple days I tested positive for Staph infection of the blood as a result from all the problems with my kidney.  It was decided that I'd head home and administer IV antibiotics via PICC line.  I am about to sleep for the 3rd night in my own bed.  I am absolutely in love with being home.  The last few days in the hospital it was determined what antibiotics I'd be given to fight the infection, and I very nervously got a ultrasound done on my heart to make sure the Staph hadn't spread there (which it hadn't).  A nurse was scheduled to come to our house and show us how to administer the antibiotics and all the supplies were delivered.  Shortly after the nurse arrived that night we found that both lines in my PICC were clogged.  So we called the "PICC guy" from the hospital and some un-clogger solution was ordered and delivered a couple hours later.  There were a couple steps I didn't learn because of where I was sitting.  They are to be administered at 3pm, 11pm, & 7am.  One of them runs for 1 hour and the other runs for 3 hours.  The lines can't sit after it's finished, so they don't get clogged they promptly need to be flushed.  

I am still sweating buckets at night.  When my alarm goes off at 7am to administer the 1st antibiotic of the day I am sopping wet and the air outside of the blankets feels equivalent to a freezer.  But every morning Ryan pops up right out of bed without saying a word, gets all the supplies and hooks up the medicine to my PICC for me.  He knows the times of which goes when.  He takes it upon himself to take care of me that way throughout the day and I don't/didn't ask him too.  It's the little things like this that reassures me that I have the best Husband and I am definitely a very lucky girl.  When I arrived to the ER this last time, my nurse took me back to the room.  I liked her right from the start.  I don't remember what we were talking about but she stopped and looked at me and said "I just want you to know that your family really affected all of us that night".  My first response was 'affected' did one of my relatives say something offensive?  She said, "there's something special about your family, you guys affected us a lot and we see a lot of trauma".  I don't know why but that comment has stuck with me, maybe there is something special about us.  I realized later that I didn't bring my purse, wallet, insurance card, or ID.  They remembered me from that first night.

Finn is so sweet.  He loves me.  He lets me hug and snuggle him a lot more than a little boy should.  Being around him everyday again is helping me heal.  When he was 2 I took him to a mom and me class at The Little Gym.  They did a fundraiser for us on one of their parent survival nights.  The workers donated their time and parents pay $20 and drop their kids of to jump, play, and eat pizza from 5:30-9pm.  They invited Finn to come and I went back and forth all day debating if I could muster up the energy to go somewhere if we dropped him off.  We decided last minute to try to go to a movie and pulled up to drop Finn off at one of his favorite places.  I immediately was brought to tears because there was such a huge turnout. I'm so blown away by all the love and support we have received, I frequently get emotional.  A group of girls I went to school with through a very successful auction/yard sale... some of them I am/was friends with, but about half I wasn't.  They worked so hard for weeks and never tried to receive any glory, they just did it to help us.  Angels.  They are all around us.

I spend most of my time in bed.  For some reason I am really cold all the time and feel most comfortable under warm blankets.  Sometimes I still wait for Colum to walk through my bedroom door with his blanket.  Sometimes when I'm watching something on tv there is a child that sounds like him.  We tear up regularly about only having one carseat in the back of our new car.   I'm able to heal at home, where my special family, and heart is.


  1. I'm so glad you're home. There's something about those little boys named Finn. Mine loves to snuggle, too. I really am so happy to hear you are home again, and I hope you're able to kick the infection soon.

  2. You and your family have affected MANY!!! You guys are so loved and are thought about daily and I'm sure I can speak for hundreds of others when I say this! I dont know you, but I just think the world of you and like I've said before, you are nothing short of STELLAR! I've been following this story since I passed by your accident on my way to work. I'm determined to keep follwing this until you reach every one of your goals (and you WILL)and even then I will continue to follow. I've also made it a goal to help whenever I can(I already got the privilege of donating to your paypay and it felt awesome!)...so if you get anything ever from me in the mail dont be creeped out ok. Hang in there and keep blogging!

    ~Love, one of your many new friends on FB,
    Ashlee Nielsen

  3. Praying for you.....and also VERY AFFECTED by your special family. I think of your family and colum daily since reading of your accident. I live in pa...Colum's ripple effect spreads wide.

  4. I'm glad you got to go home again and I hope you get to stay there this time.
    I know your story has affected so many people. I went to the fundraiser your friends gave and I was blown away when I later learned that they raised almost 10k for you guys. How incredible!

  5. Dear Friend,

    I am a stranger to you, though after reading the anatomy of your accident into the wee hours, feel an oddness at knowing the intimacy of your pain, your story. I was led here as these things often happen. One blog links another, then another and before you know it there is a social media connection. I like to think this is what the brilliant minds who came up with this whoe Internet thing had in mind, but who knows. Regardless I am here. I am praying.

    It is a bitter irony that your broken, physical self would be such an accurate representation of your broken soul. I am a pediatric oncology nurse and I have heard time and again from parents that the outside does not match the inside with respect to their pain and that no one can understand the depths of their hurt because of this. If only your healing on the outside would match your inside. It will take so much longer to heal on the inside. One thing I have learned from grieving parents, including my own (my brother died when he was 7) and thought I might share for all who love this precious little family is this. Remember Column. Speak his name. Tell stories about him. Do not be afraid of the emotion that might result as these are healing tears. Tell them stories of what you loved best about this little guy, what made you laugh, what surprised you, how smart he was. I have a clear image of him and I have never met him. Toddling into his mama's room, sleep fresh in his eyes, bottle dangling from his smiling mouth just waiting for his mama to invite him in to bed for snuggles. It is a sweet image.

    Yes, I am a stranger here. I am praying. And I remember Column.

    God bless you.

  6. It's goot to hear you're healing :)

  7. It is so good to hear from you again, Kelly, because I have been wondering how you've been! I commented on your previous post--the first time I've ever commented here. I am one of those who learned about you through Blog Land.

    I am so very happy you got to go home, and I am so very thankful you have such a wonderful husband who helps take care of you despite his own struggles! I appreciate so much your honest, heartfelt words here. I continue to pray for your special family.

  8. So glad you are home...hopefully it will stay that way :)

  9. I am so glad you are feeling a bit better and that the antibiotics are doing their job! You will never know the impact you have had on the many, many people that heard your story, read your blog, and have watched you heal emotionally and physically. If nothing else you have given us a greater appreciation for life and the things we take for granted. I know I hug my kids a little bit tighter every night and that I remember to say I LOVE YOU, a hundred million times, because you never know when it will be your last. You have touched many lives by being the angel you are and by just being you. Thank you for being you. You are always in our prayers. Much love!

  10. Kelly, your story continues to move and inspire me. Your strength and courage are nothing short of amazing. My family and I will continue to pray and keep all of our positive thoughts and energy your way. I wish you health and happiness for your family. Keep taking care! ( and looking forward to another girls night of dancing!)

  11. You truly touch my heart every time I read your blog, there is something truly special about your family. I am so grateful to be able to read your blog. All the love and prayers in the world just for you!!

    1. You got it right--there is something so special about you Kelly. I remember you always being the most positive, upbeat person with a great attitude about everything. Your smile was definitely contagious too! I hope you keep feeling better and healing (both body and soul). We're praying for your family.

      xoxo Danni & Rocky

  12. SO glad you are able to heal at home. I bet your time there with your little family feels so precious and wonderful. I am so glad for you. Your tremendous strength is an inspiration to SO MANY!!!!! May you be blessed for your sacrifices that have taught others so much about life and what matters. Prayers continually coming your way from our family!
    -The Keddington's- :)

  13. Your story is a constant reminder of an accident we avoided last Christmas (2010). We were headed to a family party on Christmas Eve and it was raining so hard. Driving along on I-15 with my husband, 4yr old & 4m. old, we saw a huge Ford truck headed straight for us and in the front seat we both braced for the impact. The impact never came, instead we were showered with thousands of rocks and pieces of the truck. It had been stopped by those 2 wire cable barrier's that seemed so useless before but saved my family from what would have been tragedy. I think about that so often and when I heard about your horrible accident on Christmas Eve I cried for days. I hate that things like this happen to sweet little families. I pray for your recovery and am so glad you are back home with your boys. You write so well and I look forward to reading more about your steps to reaching your goals.

  14. Much love and prayers to you. Thank you for sharing you story.

  15. I will continue to pray for you & all your family! Blessings to all of you. Thank you for your honest words, you have made me a better mommy & to be more patient with my kids. Colum is an angel and a hero!!! Your ALL amazing.

  16. I have to agree with your nurse, you have affected many of us and we haven't even met you! You all are a very special family! I'm so glad that there was a GREAT turn out at the Little Gym. I would have loved to participate and I'm sorry I didn't! I will keep you posted on the fundraiser my friends and I will be doing!
    I'm glad you're back home!!!

    Take care!! :)

  17. Kelly,
    I heard of your horrible tragedy just yesterday. I am so very sorry that I wasn't able to send you love before now. I have always loved you Kel, you have always been such an inspiration to me and many others. I pray that the days will continue to bring healing to you,Ryan & Finn. Somehow the "angels" that surround us find ways to strengthen us. Friends are kisses blown to us by angels... and now Colum is blowing many more kisses your way.
    I love you Kelly-
    Many Hugs- Kori

  18. There IS something special about you and your little family. Watching you guys interact makes my heart smile because you can just sense the immense love and appreciation you have for one another. I'm so glad you are home and can spend your days with Ryan and Finn. I hope the antibiotics do their job so you can get on with your physical healing! love love LOVE Heidi

  19. I don't know how I came across your blog, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Lately I feel as if my medical issues have become to much for me to bear, and reading your story and how happy and optimistic you still are for suffering through such a tragedy really helped me realize things could be worse and I need to just suck it up. Thank you. Your sweet family is in my prayers!

  20. I can't remember how I found your blog, but I wanted you to know I am praying for you and your sweet family.
    Heather in OH

  21. I to heard about your blog just today and i have spent a good deal of time on here reading your story, I am so sorry this horrible tradgedy happened to your family but am amazed to see the progress you are making. Keep the faith and you will continue to be blesssed. Keeping you in our thoughts and prayers

  22. I am so sorry for your emotional and physical pain. What you and your family have had to endure is so very tragic. Hugs to you and yours.

  23. You don't know me, but tons of blogs that I follow have directed me to your blogs, asking for prayers for your family. I emotionally get invested in strangers blogs all the time (almost to a fault because there is so much sadness in this world), so I was hesitant to come visit because I knew, as a mommy, that this story, your story, was going to be different. And I was right...Yesterday, I decided to come to your blog and read your story...to say I am sorry for everything you've been through would be an understatement. To say that I can't even begin to imagine your pain would also be an understatement. But to say that your family and your story has touched my life beyond measure would be beyond true! After reading some of your "anatomy of a car crash" posts yesterday I sat my my desk at work and kept thinking, "That could be me! That could be one of my sweet children I could lose. Why did I yell last night? Why did I lose my patience unecessarily? Get it together Christina! Work on being a better mother because of this story! You have no idea when it could be the last time you see your children (or husband!)" And although it's only been a day, I promise you, that I will NEVER be the same mother I was before I read your story! Your story has opened my heart to try and be more patient, to try and make the most of the time I have with my children because you just never know. I am SO sorry that you lost your sweet Colum and I wish for nothing more then that you could have him back, put please know that his sweet life was not taken in vain, he is changing my life (and many others, I'm sure) each and everyday!

    I am huge believer in prayer, and I will be praying for your and your family EVERYDAY!

    Love and prayers from a mommy in Maryland,
    Christina Gomez

  24. I think of you and your family a lot and I am always immediately humbled... I have two little boys (4 yrs and 21 months) about the same ages of yours. The morning must be the hardest for you... I always love hearing my boys and watching them come up into my bed and cuddle with my husband and I. Children are such amazing little creatures!! The joy and happiness they bring is just incredible... I pray for a fast recovery for you so that you can pick up all the broken peaces and glue it back together. You are an amazing and strong mother!!! Finn is a lucky boy to have you. I love reading you and your husbands progress, you guys are so strong... you will be running in the grass together in no time! A friend of a friend, Natalie Boano (California)

  25. I'm glad to hear that you're healing. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

  26. That Nurse was completely right!! There IS something so very special about you and your family. Never have I ever been so compelled to help any way I can for a family I have never (but hope to one day) met. I truly love you all. I am forever changed in so many positive ways. Because of your beautiful family, I am becoming a better person and for that I thank you with all my heart.
    The tears are still daily and I pour my heart out to God (something I never ever did before) every day asking him to bring you peace, serenity, complete healing and everlasting comfort & knowledge that Colum will never leave your side.
    Much Love xoxoxo

  27. You don't know me, like alot of the other people that have written, but your family is very special and has "AFFECTED" so many. We all love you, and wait for your updates so we can cheer and cry along with you. I do believe in miracles and angels. And, I hope soon for a very special gift from heaven when your well enough to to get pregnant.

  28. Hello God's Angel:
    Tonight I found your blog and cried right along with you. We too have lost family members due to a driver on Bacus Hwy. He was supposedly not drunk, but had a blood level on .0799999999999 just not enough to turn it over to being "DUI." If your unable to drive numbers don't matter. I hate this man that I have never met, I want to take the kids to his house every holiday, every birthday and ask why they don't have those Gparents to share this special day with? This happened after a family gathering also, but I can only imagine your pain. Having suffered miscarriages I know alittle of your pain, just never having met the child I know we will later, "when we meet again." I hope that you are comforted tonight and tomorrow night and forever nights. My fingers are crossed that a new spirit will be joining you and relite that flame in your heart. Know that I am here for a shoulder to cry on, no matter how far someone will always be here to listen.
    Love of a parent,
    Vicki R