::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.27.2012

kidneys or kidney

I did receive the pleasure of going back to the hospital for 4 days again.  My fevers and night sweats were undeniable and my home-health-nurse and an Infectious Disease Docs basically forced me to go.  I went from the ER to the ECU to Internal Medicine Unit (where, oh where shall they put me.  A frequent flyer who has another mystery infections).  I immediately had a CT scan and an X-ray which showed that my kidney was enlarged and infected.  Yet, my blood and urine were perfectly clean... which makes no sense at all.  I was still on IV antibiotics (hardcore ones) at home, which could possibly kill all the bugs in my urine but is unlikely.  Basically, we need Dr. House to solve this one.  

While I was in the ECU I was told they were gonna take the stent out that was still in my bladder and kidney in a couple days.  The Urology team and the Infectious Disease team seemed to be at a very professional war regarding whether the stent could be harboring some infectious bacteria and causing my fevers.  Much to my surprise, two southern gals from the Urology team, whom I've met before had time to take out my stent while I was still in the ECU.  It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't painless.  No warning, no mental preparation, they just opened my door and started setting up shop.  They basically went up into my bladder with a camera, flashlight, and a claw to get that puppy out.  "You did good darlin', that was a hard one", they told me after the horrific procedure.  Luckily, I just love southern accents and that did help keep the 'freaking outs' at bay.

The Infectious Disease team won the battle.  My fevers, they simmered down right after they took out that rotten stent, and even my night sweats were almost non-existent!  I was cured.  I really thought we finally figured out what the problem was.  ...I was wrong, of course it's not gone, it never is silly.  My fevers are slowly getting worse and my night sweats creeped right back too.  I went to the Urologist today and he basically said if I go back to the hospital again we will probably take my kidney out.  He also said that since I have all that other internal damage they probably will not be able to do it Laroscopically(<--butchered the spelling).  They will have to re-open the huge incision on my tummy or have to cut through a ton of muscle and go through my side.  Both would be about 8-12 week recovery.  The whole time I was thinking he%$ no!  I know you can live with only one kidney but my poor body is so beat up, I just might need that other kidney someday.  I also, can't imagine one more incision on my body and laying in bed for 12 weeks.  

A cousin on Ryan's side came over yesterday with DoTerra essential oils and explained to me how to use them.  So I am putting all my faith into them and am going to use them consistently everyday at full throttle.  I may also do some sort of kidney cleanse.  I've got to do everything I can so I can keep my kidney and not be sick anymore!  

While in the hospital I had a lot of time to cry.  I miss every inch of him.  I can stare at just one picture of him for hours, memorizing all of his perfect features and fat rolls.  My sister-in-law had some footage from the Pack family Christmas party that she sent me.  I watch those videos over and over and over again.  I watch him walk around and stumble.  I watch him watch me and follow me around with his eyes, to make sure I wasn't going very far.  (Did I even notice how often he did that? probably not).   I watch him fearlessly sit on Santa's lap and just stare at him.  I watch him get up to dance when we are singing Jingle Bells.    Colum, my little dove Mommy and Daddy miss you, we think about you every second of everyday.  I'm so grateful for every picture and video I have of you, you are so beautiful and we are so lucky to have you in our family.

P.S.
I just want to say thank you for all your kind comments.  They mean so much to me.  I'm sorry that I don't answer all the questions that get asked, I'm gonna try to be better at that.  One question I've gotten is if we've gotten a car and the answer is yes, and it's my dream Subaru :).


40 comments:

  1. Yey for the new post. I think natural type cleanses and things like this can really help the body heal, so I hope for the very best for your kidney.
    Uggghhhh.....No warning on the procedure: That's hard! I'm an RN, and I have realized that even though I do my job every day, my patients don't, and I should explain every procedure every time, and treat it like a 1st, for it often is a first for them. Thank you for reminding me how to be the best Nurse I can be.
    I tear up each time you write of your sweet Colum. Both of your boys are DARLING!!! I bet you are so proud to be their Mommy.
    May healing blessings for your body and spirit be with you.

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  2. Kelly, Have you heard any further information about the driver of the other vehicle? Have they gotten the toxicology reports back and do you know if he is facIng any charges? Nobody in his family seems to be saying anything.
    Your precious family is in our thoughts as always!

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    1. They have gotten the toxicology reports back, but won't tell us anything. We know very little about what's going on and it's very frustrating. I've thrown my hands in the air and given up because apparently you can jump a median, kill a baby, while being un-insured, and severely injure others and be a free man...at least for over 2 months. He has a lengthy criminal history or burglary, car theft, and breaking and entering. If you are local hopefully his arrest will be on the news this week or next.

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    2. That is one of the things I've been wondering about lately, is what has happened to the driver of the other car...not that it can really change what has happened but for me I guess it has been on my mind as to what could have caused this horrific accident...Kelly, I cannot imagine your pain, physically and mentally...Something weird, even though we are not related but I get so touched, I feel that I am physically grieving with each and every one of you...I cannot wrap my mind around all of this and I just want to say I think about you and your family quite frequently...positive thoughts sent your way

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  3. I try to stay away from your blog because I just end up crying for your loss but I can't... I am too emotionally involved in your recovery. I want to make sure you are okay! I am sorry to hear about your kidneys. I really hope they heal on their own soon so you don't have to have another surgery! I'm still praying for you & Ryan and think about you every day. Remember to have hope because, with time, everything about this tragedy will heal. I know one day you’ll feel happiness again and one day your body will be healthy again. Hang in there Kelly!

    P.S. I am still available if you need any help with dinners, cleaning, errands, etc.

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  4. Ohhhh I'm so glad you have that video of your last night with him. What a precious thing to have. Thank God for all the technology we have these days. I have recently gotten into DoTerra oils. I love them so far. I'm pretty sure my baby had RSV and I never once had to go into the Doctor thanks to the oils. It was awesome. I hope and pray they work for you!!!!! I cannot imagine having that brutal of a surgery after all your body has gone through already. I hope you get better soooooooooooo soon!

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  5. I'm praying for God to bring healing and peace to your heart and body. So sorry for everything you've gone through.

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  6. I can't NOT say anything. It is always so reassuring to hear from you, even when things aren't going so well. I hope and pray that your kidney will fall in line and just get better. I have a dear friend who is a DoTerra dealer, and she certainly swears by those essential oils. I pray they will do the trick and make you well and whole. We have to use everything available and then hope for the best. So glad you have beautiful reminders of that sweet Colum. I am so grateful we had a chance to meet him. He is a very dear and special member of the family. Take care and know that hundreds of folks are praying for your well-being! No need to worry about responding. Just focus on being well!

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  7. I love reading your updates. You're an incredible person. I'm sorry that you have to go through everything that you've gone through, and that it's still not over. It will get better. I'm sure of it. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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  8. I originally came from a suggestion from Nie Nie. I have stayed and prayed and cried for you. I live far away, too far to do anything else for you but pray and send healing thoughts. Please know somewhere out there people care. It's not much when you have such bottomless pain - and I'm sorry, but like the little drummer boy playing for Jesus, it's all I have.... I hope it matters, and helps in some small way. xxooxx

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  9. Continued prayers and healing thoughts sent your way.

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  10. Your an amazing woman. I dont know how you do it, but keep it up. Your boys have an amazing Momma.

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  11. Just wanted you to know another stranger momma is praying for you, crying for your loss, and holding her littles a bit closer every day. I pray you have peace. Your colum is beautiful. I am so sincerely sorry for your loss.

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  12. Stay strong? I don't know how you are going through all of this physical sickness, and then emotionally feeling pain and emptiness. It is just so much to deal with, you are such an inspiration and I check this blog everyday for a note from you about the progress of you and your family. I think about you everyday!

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  13. Good luck with everything, Kelly. I use DoTerra too, and I have heard a lot of amazing stories about what the oils have done for people. I hope they work a miracle for you! I think about you a lot and your story has made me try to be a better mother. I have a boy Finn's age and a girl Colum's age and I had another girl in December. I have been trying to squeeze them a little longer because I realize I have no guarantees of how long I'll have them.
    (We worked together at Mimi's, btw.)

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  14. Still thinking of you often! I pray for your family in your time of immense loss, and I pray for your physical recovery! I can't imagine going through your struggles right now, but I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know yet another stranger is thinking praying and hoping for you!

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  15. I hope those oils help out! And I'm also hoping that you don't have to have your kidney removed. I along with so many others will keep you in my payers :)

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  16. Wow...one thing after another. It sounds like you still have a little sense of humor about it...hopefully that helps you get through all of the physical stuff. Praying that they won't take your kidney. Praying that your body will heal super fast now, so you can just have some peace and quiet time to feel Colum and to get to be Finn's mommy full-time again. So grateful that you have such beautiful photos and videos to watch. And I am still amazed by that painting of Colum...beautiful.

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  17. Kelly, you never seize to amaze me. I still obsessively check your blog for updates and I'm grateful you continue to do so, despite the many reasons not to. You have been an angel in my life; I carry a prayer in my heart for you each day and I have great hope for you and your family. It may hard to imagine now, but there is joy beyond your wildest dreams waiting for you. I truly believe that. You must know by now how loved you are and how many people are thinking and praying fir you and your gorgeous family. I am just one among many.

    As always, sending love and virtual hugs,

    Kacey in Draper

    And where the he&! Is Dr. House when you need him?! Xoxo

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  18. I'm sorry you had to come back and I hope you don't have to have your kidney removed!! Your little Dove's watching over you and your family everyday!!!

    Stay strong!

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  19. I always look forward to getting an update from you, Kelly. As I have said before, I also found you through Nie Nie. Ever since I learned of your story, I have felt that I must keep coming back to see how your are doing. I also pray for you! That kidney of yours has a mind of its own, doesn't it? Oh, I am praying for healing healing healing! I am glad you got another video of your precious little Dove. I know it holds such tremendous meaning to you. Thank you so much for your update. Just know that we really appreciate the time you take to write each and every one!

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  20. I know it must be hard to get on here and update but I'm so glad you did. I was beginning to worry more about how you were doing. I sure hope you can keep that kidney and that it will stop giving you such trouble. Thank you for allowing complete strangers into your grieving and healing process.

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  21. Hello again, I wanted to tell you that my Mom had the same problem with her kidneys and could not get rid of the infection with antibiotics. The problem with antibiotics is that they kill both the good and the bad bacteria and you want to keep the good and get rid of the bad.

    My AMAZING Doctor in Texas reached out to my Mom and told her to buy a supplement called 'D-Mannose'- from looking online, it looks like it costs around $11-$13. Anyhow, my Mom took this supplement and her infection was gone within the week. I hope you'll try it, it sound like you are open to natural healing remedies. :)

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  22. Kelly,
    ive, been trying to write you, since yesterday, but you know how your kidneys suck right now so does my laptop lol has its mind of its own sometimes, your right where is dr. house when you need them???? my dr. also suggested d-Mannose its seems to be working pretty good might be worth a try??? glad for the new car did you ever get to go on that ride off to the sunset like you wanted to even through your hospital stays you still need to have YOUR time........ isn't the law the craziest thing his butt should be in jail/prison for what he did to a BEAUTIFUL FAMILY, i drive by your house throwing my heart out to all FOUR of you everyday,
    i pray for your health to bounce back like tigger fast xxooxxxxxxxxxx

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  23. have you tried massage therapy maybe they could take thebad out through some energy work?????????

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  24. WHAT!!!! Kelly :( This is terrible. I had no idea things went to s%$#(following your example here:) again. I can't believe it, somehow after everything I really can't. I'm sure I can't even come close to imagining how you feel right now, but I know it's pretty awful. PLEASE, ask me to help when you need me. I don't want to keep pestering you but wanted to let you know I REALLY enjoy helping out. Just want you to know that I'm still here, as long as I'm needed, anything I can do, I WANT to do it. My Sundays are always free for you, always. You amaze me, keep being strong. love love LOVE Heidi

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  25. I am so sorry you are still not feeling well! I love the Doterra essential oils and I hope that they will help you with your recovery.

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  26. Oh Kelly! I am so sorry your kidney is giving you trouble. I am hoping and crossing my fingers that the oils work for you. Crying with you over your broken heart. I still want to punch that man in the face when I think about the unfairness of it all, I hope you get justice soon. Wish I was in Utah to help you out. Keep your head up girl!

    xoxo
    Jaime

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  27. Kelly, I am far away as well...I wish I could help, but am sending love and prayers (I, too, heard about you through Nie Nie) ~ I know we are supposed to pray for the man who did this, as well, but I can't do that. This world is so unfair...There has to be justice, a day of reckoning for him. You know your little Colum Angel is in Heaven waiting for his Mommy, and you WILL have him back, after you've done what you're meant to do here ~ you know we are all Spirits having an Earthly experience, instead of the other way around...
    Bless your heart, I hope your sweet Colum sends you strength from Heaven to deal with all this; you are the strongest person I can imagine! Love and hugs from Southeast Missouri...
    Anne ♥

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  28. Kelly, you have been such a source of inspiration to me for the past 3 months. And we've never even met. Thank you for your posts and updates. I will keep praying for you. I hope they can come up with a good solution to your kidney problem. I also follow you on instagram and love seeing pictures of you and your family out and about. Some of those breakfasts you have been eating look soooo delicious! XOXO Jamie Hofheins

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  29. You are truly an inspiration! Your little angel is watching over you. I know you will see him again and what a joyous reunion it will be. Keep your head up and we will all keep you and your sweet family in our prayers. You are seriously amazing! Xo

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  30. You are so amazing! I drove past the crash site last week and I swear I could feel colum all around me! It was the craziest feeling I have ever had. I immediately had tears pouring down my cheeks. I had to pull over and catch my breathe. I felt like I was going to throw up. I feel like I know your family from reading your blog! I could see his sweet perfect little face in my mind. I am so angry at the man that has taken your sweet boy from you, and your independence as well. I hope he is arrested and locked up for the rest of his life. I don't care what his story is, I never want to know. I just want him to be punished.... Forever.... Can I mail little Finn some treats? Does he like to color? I would love to send him a care package he to has been through so much! I am not religious but I pray for your family everyday.... Xoxoxo. Amanda

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  31. Hey Kelly, I'm sure your docs have already explored this, but i just got out of the hospital - had been there for quite a while for a variety of problems. Anyway, they could never discharge me because I was having fevers of 102-104, it was constantly spiking, then breaking. I went through so many gowns & sheets because I'd be soaked in sweat & then get freezing - such an exhausting cycle, it takes so much out of you as I'm sure you know. Anyway, they couldn't figure out where the heck the fevers were coming from - they figured there had to be another infection somewhere and did MRIs, X-rays, CT scans, you name it from head to toe trying to figure out why I was having these fevers. I too have a PICC line & was getting IV vancomycin for 6 hours/day for another infection and finally one of the infectious disease doctors said, "Maybe you're having drug fevers" which I think essentially means that your body is no longer responding to the drug and it's actually fighting against it. So, they took me off the Vanco for 24 hours & put me on another drug instead and it was magical! My temperature was finally back to 97.5 and I felt so much better. It hadn't been that low in WEEKS. I was able to be discharged a few days later. I'm still fighting quite a medical battle and will be for the upcoming months, but I'm home! Getting my IV antibiotics at home is way better than in the hospital, I get to eat homemade food, be in familiar surroundings, try in any way I can to be there for my sweet, resilient toddler who doesn't quite understand what is going on with mommy. Anyway, i don't know what iv meds you are on, but if your doctors haven't explored "drug fevers" yet, I'd ask them about it. Maybe it's not that, but just in case I wanted to share my story! You are such a strong woman and such an inspiration to me! I missed reading all my favorite blogs while I was in the hospital. It's good to be home. Best wishes for your recovery.

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  32. That's so wonderful you have a video of Colum from that night, but I bet it's so hard too to watch it. I can't imagine all the emotions you feel while watching it.
    Hopefully whatever is causing the infection and fevers will finally go away so you can really start healing! I really hope the emotional pain is healing most of all.

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  33. I'm here from Molly's blog. I'm so sorry for your loss and your health issues. You will be in my prayers for a speedy recovery, body and mind. Sending hugs...

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  34. Wow..you've had to endure so much. I wonder sometimes why we have to endure hard things. I hope and pray you get better and that you can resume life without hospital stays.. Love and hugs!

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  35. What a beautiful person you are, sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences for all to hear. You and your family are extremely courageous and special people. I know this because I can't stay away from your story and the spirit that emanates from your writing. I look at the pictures of your incredibly lovely family and can tell that there's just something about you. I am always getting this feeling that I know you even though I don't. I guess there is a small connection; when I was at the fundraiser yard sale last month (my mom and I could suffice as your only fan club!) and my mom recognized a family member of Ryan's... Bobbi. My dad (Jared Beck) is a cousin to Bobbi's husband Kevin... Bobbi was telling us that Finn had been staying with them. Like so many others who have commented, I just HAVE to check up on you. Your health, happiness, ability to cope and find peace, etc. etc. are very consistently on my mind and very consistently a subject of heartfelt prayers in you and your family's behalf. I can't imagine the "good" vs. bad days you must be having, but it seems you have an immense strength pulling you through every bit of this CRAZY journey. It is wonderful to know that a good part of that strength has to be your little "dove!" I bought an I HEART COLUM bracelet and I look at it often. Even I (a stranger) can feel a sweet presence that just has to be him. It is a reminder for me... it reminds me to cherish the moments I'm given the best that I can, as life can change in a quick millisecond. I suppose it makes a difference that I happen to be a mother of two boys (Crosby just turned 4 and Lennox is almost 17 months). I send you heartfelt wishes of peace, recovery, healing... whatever happiness means to you, I wish it for you. I can't believe how brave you are. I can't imagine what kind of power your fiery spirit is bringing to your own self and to others. Keep on keepin' on! I see that your friends are having a bake sale fundraiser this month and I am hoping to donate some tasty goods! You inspire me. Lots of love. -Alisa (Beck) Barua

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  36. Kelly, I pray for you and your family on a daily basis, theres not one day that goes by that i think of the pain, emotional and physical, worries, bills, everything your always on my mind, i to have a bracelet that was made for the last fundraiser i wear it everyday, its come to be apart of me, just like your family, i hope your kidneys are healing, i got on today was looking to see how the oils were working and to see maybe if you had posted, i hope you will soon as i am one of those worry warts, and was hoping to read a new post today but i totally understand your tiredness and well being, hope and pray for your safety, healing and day to day goals, take care and i to would like to send finn and your family something i will in a week or two, hope you have a great day, take care and love all of you, i feel like i know you guys, and i kind of do, but it makes me feel so good, love

    Anomynous

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  37. I wish I knew a ton of awesome medical stuff that could help you! But I don't...so I pray and pray and pray that you will be healed and your kidney can stay where it is. Your whole situation from day 1 has had me so emotionally involved, so Kyle and I decided to put together the fundraiser happening in 2 weeks so we can be physically involved. It has done so much for my heart to be able to work on this for your family--and I know so many others feel the same. It's also been a blessing to be able to teach our kids about helping others. They are continually praying for you, and they are very excited to put those prayers into action by helping on the 24th. Here's the link to the event on FB: https://www.facebook.com/events/266794566725985/

    We send our love and hugs to all of you!
    Angie & Kyle Farley & kids

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    1. Dearest Farley's,

      Thank you so much for doing this! I'm sure this has and continues to be a lot of hard work. We really really appreciate it. We are going to post this on our FB page to help get the word out, and you know we will be there!

      Bless you,

      Kelly and Ryan

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