I'm writing this from my very own bed. There have been a lot of changes around here since I've been gone. I have my very own wheelchair ramp! I begged and begged to have the plastic, fake, green grass put on it, but they said it wasn't my Birthday :). The wood was donated and some very nice folks built it for us for free. I don't have to cook! We have people bringing us dinners and treats so we will never go hungry.
I woke up in my own bed for the first time this morning, I hadn't taken my pain medications the whole night. My whole body was throbbing. Extremities ached that have never ached before. I reached over, eyes still closed to push the button so I could sit up and page the nurse. I reached and felt around some more... & then it hit me, I'm going to have to sit up all by myself even though every square inch of me was throbbing. But then I looked to my right. My boys were there by my side, sleeping so peacefully, my heart felt happy.
The night before was amazing. Finn snuggled up in between us, blankets and pillows piled high. Listening to him breathe his sleeping steady breaths that can only come from a 3 1/2 year old. Seeing him pick out his jammies and undies so enthusiastically. Hearing him say full sentences and phrases I've never heard him say before. It wasn't all peachy though. Almost immediately after I'd gotten home, Ryan had a Dr's appt he had to go to. My Mom stayed with me. Finn would not stop playing games on our Ipad and he wouldn't eat any lunch. He wasn't obeying me and so I took the Ipad away and his temper tantrum began. I put him in time out because he was being very disrespectful and yelling "No" to everything. He screamed and I cried. My first hour home and he was acting like he hated me. While in time out he just kept yelling for "mommy to go back to hospital again", over and over. This put a dagger through me. I opened the door bawling my eyes out and gave him a temper tantrum of my own. I told him how bad that hurts my feelings, that I've been through a lot and have waited so long to come home to be his mommy again. I said that but I said it like a 3 year old. I laid in bed and cried. A little while later I heard him walk down the hallway and stood outside my open door where I couldn't see him. I asked him if he wanted to come lay in Mommy's bed and watch a show on my Ipad. He said yes, and it has been mostly great since, cross your fingers.
He acted like he hated me while I was in the hospital. It was a very heart wrenching, unbearable experience. This boy who I was at home with 24/7, who wouldn't let me be more than 5 feet away from him. He would barely look at me and cry/scream when people practically forced him to sit on my lap. When all I wanted was to hold him as tight as I could, hold on to my one and only child that survived. Hold him, for my own selfish reasons to satisfy my Mommy hunger cravings and to try and fill the hole in my heart. He would rarely willingly sit by me. I know that he has been traumatized. I could tell that he either felt like I didn't love him anymore or was trying to detach himself from me. He didn't do this to his Dad nearly as much, if at all. I bought him (or had somebody buy him) a lightning Mcqueen pillow pet and told him to hug that pillow if he was ever scared or missed Mommy and Daddy. I was told that he hugged that pillow a lot everyday. I would tell him how much I loved him and how glad I was that he was okay, how he was so very special to me. I'm still hoping that things improve and get back to normal really fast. I'm motivated to walk soon so I can play the xbox Kinect with him and be the fun Mom again.
We are minus a car since ours got totaled. I'm trying to work on my bargaining skills, and a lot of people I know are trying to find us a good deal. Any experts out there, or any one know how much they can really come down from the sticker price? We are buying another Subaru Outback because I truly believe that's why most of us survived and have no spinal or brain injuries. I'm really hoping to find a really great deal and maybe even pay cash with our insurance money before all the hospital bills start rollin' in. We also need to buy a headstone, and those look rather pricey as well. Cross your fingers, maybe if we can get a car before Valentine's Day Ryan can take me on a romantic date and we can ride our wheelchairs into the sunset.
I love being home although it is very hard at times. I can feel his presence all around me and every inch of this house brings back memories. I sat alone in my bed last night smelling 1 of 3 of his blankets and it still has his smell. I cried and cried. I suppose crying is what I do now, like a ritual such as working out or brushing your teeth. Overall, being home is wonderful. My family is here and I feel almost whole again and I'm where I'm supposed to be.
Have a great weekend!