::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.03.2012

Home Sweet Home

I'm writing this from my very own bed.  There have been a lot of changes around here since I've been gone.  I have my very own wheelchair ramp!  I begged and begged to have the plastic, fake, green grass put on it, but they said it wasn't my Birthday :).  The wood was donated and some very nice folks built it for us for free.  I don't have to cook!  We have people bringing us dinners and treats so we will never go hungry.  


I woke up in my own bed for the first time this morning, I hadn't taken my pain medications the whole night.  My whole body was throbbing.  Extremities ached that have never ached before.  I reached over, eyes still closed to push the button so I could sit up and page the nurse.  I reached and felt around some more... & then it hit me, I'm going to have to sit up all by myself even though every square inch of me was throbbing.  But then I looked to my right.  My boys were there by my side, sleeping so peacefully, my heart felt happy.  


The night before was amazing.  Finn snuggled up in between us, blankets and pillows piled high.  Listening to him breathe his sleeping steady breaths that can only come from a 3 1/2 year old.  Seeing him pick out his jammies and undies so enthusiastically.  Hearing him say full sentences and phrases I've never heard him say before.  It wasn't all peachy though.  Almost immediately after I'd gotten home, Ryan had a Dr's appt he had to go to.  My Mom stayed with me.  Finn would not stop playing games on our Ipad and he wouldn't eat any lunch.  He wasn't obeying me and so I took the Ipad away and his temper tantrum began.  I put him in time out because he was being very disrespectful and yelling "No" to everything.  He screamed and I cried.  My first hour home and he was acting like he hated me.  While in time out he just kept yelling for "mommy to go back to hospital again", over and over.  This put a dagger through me.  I opened the door bawling my eyes out and gave him a temper tantrum of my own.  I told him how bad that hurts my feelings, that I've been through a lot and have waited so long to come home to be his mommy again.  I said that but I said it like a 3 year old.  I laid in bed and cried.  A little while later I heard him walk down the hallway and stood outside my open door where I couldn't see him.  I asked him if he wanted to come lay in Mommy's bed and watch a show on my Ipad.  He said yes, and it has been mostly great since, cross your fingers.


He acted like he hated me while I was in the hospital.  It was a very heart wrenching, unbearable experience.  This boy who I was at home with 24/7, who wouldn't let me be more than 5 feet away from him.  He would barely look at me and cry/scream when people practically forced him to sit on my lap.  When all I wanted was to hold him as tight as I could, hold on to my one and only child that survived.  Hold him, for my own selfish reasons to satisfy my Mommy hunger cravings and to try and fill the hole in my heart.  He would rarely willingly sit by me.  I know that he has been traumatized.  I could tell that he either felt like I didn't love him anymore or was trying to detach himself from me.  He didn't do this to his Dad nearly as much, if at all.  I bought him (or had somebody buy him) a lightning Mcqueen pillow pet and told him to hug that pillow if he was ever scared or missed Mommy and Daddy.  I was told that he hugged that pillow a lot everyday.  I would tell him how much I loved him and how glad I was that he was okay, how he was so very special to me.   I'm still hoping that things improve and get back to normal really fast.  I'm motivated to walk soon so I can play the xbox Kinect with him and be the fun Mom again.


We are minus a car since ours got totaled.  I'm trying to work on my bargaining skills, and a lot of people I know are trying to find us a good deal.  Any experts out there, or any one know how much they can really come down from the sticker price?  We are buying another Subaru Outback because I truly believe that's why most of us survived and have no spinal or brain injuries.  I'm really hoping to find a really great deal and maybe even pay cash with our insurance money before all the hospital bills start rollin' in.  We also need to buy a headstone, and those look rather pricey as well.  Cross your fingers, maybe if we can get a car before Valentine's Day Ryan can take me on a romantic date and we can ride our wheelchairs into the sunset.


I love being home although it is very hard at times.  I can feel his presence all around me and every inch of this house brings back memories.  I sat alone in my bed last night smelling 1 of 3 of his blankets and it still has his smell.  I cried and cried.  I suppose crying  is what I do now, like a ritual such as working out or brushing your teeth.  Overall, being home is wonderful.  My family is here and I feel almost whole again and I'm where I'm supposed to be.


Have a great weekend!

49 comments:

  1. You are amazing! I'm so glad you got to come home.

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  2. My heart skipped a beat when reading you feel his presence all around. I've been praying so hard for you to experience that, to recognize the signs & feelings that he's by your side.

    I'm excited for you. Excited you're home, back with your boys & where you belong.

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  3. How wonderful that you are home and can feel his presence, you are an inspiring young women. It is nice to "hear" the humor in some of your posts. I am sure Finn must be having a hard time as well. Please don't let his angry outbursts upset you. I can only imagine what his little mind is thinking and he probably feels like he has to go into self protect mode because he is worried about you or his dad not coming home. We will pray that you find the car you are looking for and the headstone of your choice will fall into place. Lots of love from another mom.

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  4. Sweetie, I believe in one of the comments left on your Facebook, a man offered to donate Colum's headstone? Don't quote me on this, but... :)

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  5. You are nothing short of stellar!

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  6. You don't know me. I grew up in Alpine. Malinda and I were (and still are) good friends, so the Packs have always been close to my heart. I heard about your family's accident through her, just after Christmas, and have been following your blog ever since. I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that you have shared your story. I have been through my own traumatic experience this past year and reading your blog has uplifted me. I love how honest you are about your grief. I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts sometimes. You are so strong and inspiring. When I'm having hard moments, and the achy emptiness in my heart is too much, I think about you and what you're family is going through, and it makes me feel a little bit stronger. So thank you. And I'm so deeply sorry that you have to experience such unbearable pain right now. If there's any advice I can offer you, it's to keep relying on the amazing people in your life. Like you said before, it's hard to ask for help. But your family and friends are the ones who will get you through this...and they want to do this for you, so let them. I am sending you warm thoughts of strength all the way from Florida...I'll keep thinking about you everyday. Take care, beautiful girl!

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  7. Kelly,
    Oh my heart is singing and aching for you at the same time. I am so glad that you are finally home and can feel Colum. I am in tears reading about smelling his smell. I wish it could be bottled and kept for you always.

    I am sure that Finn has been frightened and feels out of sorts. He adores you, it's just hard for his little brain and heart to deal with all of this I am sure. He loves you and knows how much you adore him. It made me smile big to read about you waking up surrounded by your boys. So amazing and I am so happy for you guys.

    I wish I lived there and could help you find a sweet ride. I think you are very smart to get another Outback.

    xoxo
    Jaime

    p.s. get your pyrex cupboard ready......it's a comin! :)

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  8. I agree with Jaime, Finn is probably still adjusting to everything in his own 3 year old way. I know he loves you.

    Thanks so much for sharing your honest words and thoughts. It is an inspiration. I hope and pray that you and your family continue to heal.

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  9. Kelly, I am so happy you are home. I know it will be hard but that is where you can truly start to heal. I have never prayed so much or so hard in my life as I have for you and your family. My heart truly breaks for you and I pray multiple times a day that the Lord will bless an comfort you as only He can. Lately, I have felt peace after my prayers where before I felt so much despair. I know that the Lord will bless you and you will feel happy again. Joy and laughter will fill your soul and your home again. In the meantime, know that we are all here for you, strangers, friends, and family, praying for your comfort as you heal.

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  10. Just one suggestion as to the headstone...there is a great family in Park City who lost their sweet daughter a few years ago. They started a foundation to help families pay for headstones who have lost children who can't afford one themselves. You should reach out to them and see if they could help with the headstone. They can be contacted at http://www.agoodgrief.com

    Glad you're home. I am sure it's gonna take a while to find your new normal. Hope it doesn't take too long. Keep your chin up and know there are lots of people out there cheering you on.

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  11. Well I am sure glad you are home! But I understand the anxiety and frustrations too! It will be harder being home, you are right. But I believe you have already demonstrated the strength to take on HUGE mountains and I truly believe that you CAN do this. Poor Finn who neither understands why his best friend is not there with you guys or why you are different, must be hurting so bad, just as I know you are. Nothing will ever be normal again, BUT that is ok, because YOUR normal will be all yours and Ryan's and Finn's. You will find ways to be a family again and love and support and be a good Mom! Finn will adjust, rules and boundaries will still need to be set and I know you will do just fine. But it will be hard, but remember you CAN do this!

    Tears huh? Thank goodness! That means that your soul is perfectly in tact even though your body is broken! Do not be ashamed of tears and do not hold them back. They are just as cleansing as a shower or a warm rain. I would have said sponge bath, but I KNOW those aren't very cleansing at all...

    What I am trying to say is don't be afraid to do it. You need to feel it. You are being watched over and protected by more than one person, but especially by your beautiful son. He WILL be with you for the rest of your life. You will ALWAYS be a Mommy to 2 boys (until another comes along, then 3 or maybe 4...). And if people ask where your other son is, if you want to be brave, tell them he is home with his Father or older brother. Because I fully believe he is. He is playing happily at Jesus' feet and watching over you from Heaven.

    I have also heard about at www.agoodgrief.com like Kristen says above. Molly is a beautiful woman with an amazing heart! She lost her 2 year old a few years ago. Her foundation helps with headstones! I would look it up for sure!

    I wish you peace hon, more than you know. You are in my prayers EVERY day and I wish for the the day when you will find your joy again! You are loved my many, adored by lots and treasured by so many others...AND you are home! You can do this, I know you can!

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  12. oh kelly! you are such a wonderful mother. i am so impressed by your courage and your determination. i honestly can't tell you how much i think of you and your sweet family. i am so glad you feel colum close to you. what a blessing. love you girl!!! and p.s. i wish i had a suburu contact. for pete's sake, let stinkin' get you a car!!!!! xo

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  13. I have found your blog and am inspired by your strength. Give yourself and Finn time - he is still so little it is hard for him to process this. In no way was my experience anything near yours but years ago, I had to have emergency Gall Bladder Surgery, we were out of town at the time, and my husband had to get back to work. He took the children with him, so they could be cared for by family. When I fly home a week later my 12 month old, would have nothing to do with me, she was angry at me. The only way she knew how to express it was by ignoring me, not wanting to sit on my lap etc. - I am happy to say it was temporary, and it will be the same with Finn I am sure.

    Good luck to you, your family is in my prayers.

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  14. Kelly, when one of my boys was 2 years old I had to be away for 2 weeks. When he finally saw me again he was mad at me, wouldn't look at me or let me hold him. I cried also. It didn't take long, maybe a few days, before he was back to the sweetheart boy he was. Finn loves you!

    Thank you for keeping us posted.

    The Bakers

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  15. Tears. They just flow so freely whenever I read one of your posts.

    So, when my daughter was a baby, I got my haircut really short and for a day or two she wanted nothing to do with me and seemed afraid of me, like I was a different person. I'm sure all the wires and casts and dotted gowns and whatever else you had on you in the hospital frightened Finn - not you yourself. But he'll realize soon enough if he hasn't already that while you make look a little different now, you're still the mama he loves so much.

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  16. If you still need help with the car ask Joann for my phone. My husband Stuart knows lots of car dealers and can help you get a really good deal. Glad you are home. Joann is our neighbor. We've definitely been praying for you & your family. Take care, Amy Gregory

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  17. Kelly, I have had a temper tantrum or two that has competed with my 3 year old's, so you're not alone there! In a very short time, Finn will attach himself more feircly than ever before. Just give it a little time. I have a feeling that your bond with him will be stronger than your deepest desires. He loves you more than he can even understand. Just continue to be the strong, proud momma that you've always been and things will settle to a new normal. it's a hard balance to mourn for someone while at the same time trying to hold yourself together for the sake of another. I struggled with feeling guilty when I laughed or felt happy after the loss of my brother; it's natural and normal. Let yourself enjoy the happy moments and when the grief overcomes you, remember that it will pass but Colum's memory is always with you.

    Also, I thought I remembered seeing a post on facebook on your family page that a gentleman that does headstones offered to donate one to your family. He gave his contact info on the post. I hope this helps! As always, sending lots of love, prayers and healing thoughts your way.

    Love, Kacey in Draper

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  18. Kelly, your story has touched my heart and soul more than I could ever express, and I don't even know you. You and that beautiful boy are in my thoughts so often. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. That you can recover physically and that God will help guide your through your emotional pain. I know that it is going to be a very hard road for you, you are truly living my greatest fear. Losing a child would be almost more that I could bear, but somehow, people make it through. My mom is dealing with a lot of the same emotions that you are right now. My only sibling, my amazing brother Eric passed away this summer. It has been so hard. Talk to your sweet boy often, he can hear you. And cry when you need to. Grief comes in waves. Squeeze that beautiful baby boy Finn. He is scared right now and just needs some love and patience.

    Sending lots of love, prayers and positivity your way!

    From your neighbor in Idaho,

    Kelsey

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  19. Kelly, someone did leave a comment that they would be more than happy to donate the headstone for Colum.
    Yay!!! And as far as a vehicle you can go to the website called truecar.com and it will tell you what you should pay for a car. Print it off and take it with you to the dealer. Hope that helps. You are an amazing woman and mom:) I think about you and your family daily. Hugs to you and your family.

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  20. There is this family that i read a while back, but they have a non profit organization that pays for half or sometimes the full price of a childs headstone. i will try to look back on my computer history and see if i can find the website. Then i'll send it to you guys if you are interested. <3

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  21. I just noticed that others have told you about the a good grief organization that helps pay for childrens headstone's. As soon as I read that you were trying to find money for Column's headstone, it broke my heart all over again for you. This is the LAST thing that any parent should ever have to think about. Hope it's ok, that I emailed her with your blog information. I really hope they can help you out.
    Also, I agree with others on here, Finn will come around give him time (you have heard of terrible two's) Three is worse! At least it has been with my kids. I know he is traumatized of course, but part of his acting out is his age.

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  22. Your only human girlfriend. Remember that:)

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  23. Read back through the facebook posts, i believe someone on there was willing to donate a headstone. My heart breaks even thinking about how difficult that must be as a mother. Like everyone else, I agree that Finn just needs time. His world has changed so much these past few months and in no time at all he will settle back into a routing with you....his mommy :) I admire you and your strength so much and hope you realize that to so many of us following your story, although we don't know you personally...we have all prayed for you and you have made us better mothers. Good luck in your continued recovery both physically and mentally!

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  24. YOU are AMAZING!! You have such a WONDERFUL outlook of everything that you have endured. As This is Our Journey said their is a place for a headstone: Here is the link, I have sent them an e-mail in seeing what can be done to help out with a headstone, My brother passed away 2 years ago and all my friends on facebook rallied around us and donated in his name, It will work out and it will be beautiful for your sweet Colum. http://www.scoutandstrykerfoundation.com/index.html
    Here is the link. So, we will see! Anyways, I cannot even tell you enough of how amazing you are. I want to just hug you. I want to help! How can I? Please, Please know SO many think about you and what your enduring. I hope to one day meet you, your so beautiful and you have a lovely family. Kudos to the helpers of the ramp and as for Fin=he LOVES LOVES LOVES you! I am sure he is trying to figure out all of the "new" things that have occurred. Thanks for posting your an inspiration- God Bless.

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  25. So glad your are home!!! I want to bring you guys dinner...after you have settled a little and the meals might be slowing down a bit. So happy to hear that you can feel Colum and still have a little of his smell around. When my oldest daughter was 18 months, my husband was deployed for 5 months...making an already mamma's girl into an if-you-take-even-2-steps-away-from-me-you-will-never-be-forgiven kind of girl. I think as stay-at-home moms, we are the only constant in our children's lives because they expect dad to be gone for work/school. So when mom is gone for an extended amount of time, it kind of throws them for a loop. But he will bounce back super fast once he sees that you are not leaving again and he will cling even harder to you. I can't imagine being a 3 year old and not quite understanding what all is going on. I, also, can't imagine having to try to help him understand and adjust, while mourning and trying to understand and adjust for yourself. You are amazing. And I pray that all of you will always feel Colum near and know that he is watching out for you and anticipating the day you all will be reunited.

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  26. You don't know me, but Ryan does. I am Vaughn and LaRie's niece and Ryan ran around with us when I would stay up there. When I read the story of the accident on Christmas Eve I wept for the family that had to go through such a tragedy. On Christmas day we found out it was your sweet little family and you have been in our prayers ever since. Kelly, you amaze me. Your strength is so inspiring. Ryan sure chose a good mate and I can see that you two are perfect for each other. Please tell him I said hello (I probably haven't seen him since Grandma Pack's funeral), and that he and the rest of you are in our thoughts and prayers. I hope that your bodies and hearts heal. As others have said, it will be a new normal. It will always bring tears, but you learn to manage the grief a little better.

    Cammee (Dean) Baum

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  27. Kelly welcome home
    i'm with everyone else about finn give or take a couple of more days and he will be better, your whole family has had trauma, it will take a few days for him to realize whats going on, plus he has lived with other people so his schedule was i'm sure totally different then normal life, like a shift to be exact (i'm sure theres probrably better wording but i think you probrably know that word and and for some reason i cant spit it out tonight) its late he he, i admire you so much for being able to type the way you do and being able to say the things you say, i myself find myself crying everytime i see you post i honestly think its great, i wish your family the best of luck, healing, love you guys take care hope to meet you one of these days i know the tyler and lacey and there family so i've heard alot about of great stuff from you guys, i pray that you can get that headstone, and the car that will take you on that special date into the sunset that you would like to go, please take care and i honestly love all of you.

    hugs and kisses

    anomynous

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  28. I read somewhere once of a Mom who went on a business trip and when she returned her young son would not talk to her and acted like he didn't want to be around her. Exactly like Finn. It only took a little while(not sure exactly how long) for him to be his normal self again. Maybe it's just something little toddlers usually go through after being separated from their Mommy for a period of time.
    I can't imagine what it must feel like for you now that you are home, around all of Colum's things and seeing those constant reminders. I'm sure this will be a huge step in healing for you, although it must be terribly hard to see his crib, clothes etc. I'm so happy to hear his blanket still smells like him.

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  29. Welcome home! I was going to tell you about Molly's foundation, A Good Grief, but it looks like others have also heard about it :) I'm so glad to hear you are home with your boys. I'm also glad to hear that there are people taking such good care of you guys. Get well so you can wrestle your sweet Finn. I think of you and your family often.

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  30. You are AMAZING! Thanks for sharing and being so real!

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  31. I don't know you and I came across a link to your blog as I was reading a blog I follow. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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  32. Glad you are back home, Kelly. I've been thinking of you and sending love. I hope every day that passes brings you closer to achieving all of your goals.
    Sue in NYC

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  33. Bless you and your sweet family!! I'm glad to see such a wonderful update from you. Sending love and healing your way.

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  34. My heart breaks for you. I hope you can find it within yourself to feel okay again one day, my thoughts are with you.

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  35. another story/blog stalker here, just wanting to tell you how inspiring your story is. as a mother myself i cant imagine the pain and agony you have gone through. you have an uncanny ability to paint a beautiful picture with your words. i am left crying, laughing, and smiling all in one breath. please stay strong! i am not a religious person, but do believe in God, and all of the beautiful things faith can do. i believe that God only gives you things that you can handle, and obviously he believes you are an extremely strong person/mother. with your talent, you should definitely think about publishing your story! from one side of the country to another...God bless! xoxo

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  36. So pleased you're home. Sorry that you woke up in such agony- hope the pain meds kicked in relatively quickly. As for your other agony in relation to your little one's tantrum and words , you must wonder how much more hurt your heart can take. Even though as you've stated as others have above that it's clearly a reaction to the trauma he's gone through and still processing, that must have stung bad. And I for one think you handled that particular moment as well as can be expected - and he came back to you. I can see I'm a couple of days late from when you've posted this, I really do hope your last couple of days have gone ok and that you've had the opportunity to cry as much as you need to.

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  37. Welcome home Kelly! Each day day will get better. I had a great opportunity to meet our husband yesterday at the yard sale. He's just as strong as you are!
    You two are truly amazing people! When I was told that I could meet Ryan, I cried because of your loss of your little boy and I didn't know what to say. I also saw Finn, he sure is one handsome little boy!! After reading about needing to get a head stone for Colum, my husband and i would love to help your family by giving you guys $500. I don't know how to get the money to you guys. If you or a family member would like to call us at your convenience, we can meet and we will give them the money. My name is Shannon and my number is 801-550-6417. I will continue to keep you all in
    our thoughts and prayers! Take care!

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    1. Hi Shannon that is so generous of you guys and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I posted a link on the upper left hand corner on this blog, or you can go to kellypack.com for more donation options

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    2. You're very welcome!

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  38. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  39. Kelly, I'm don't expect you to remember me but you did my brows when you were are Nordstrom. You were always wonderful to me and my teenage foster daughters. I looked forward to my visits with you and I loved our chats. For the past couple years I have been thinking "I really need to hunt down Kelly Pack because no one can do brows like she can." I also just really liked you and thought you were the coolest and wanted to be friends ;) Even though I wasn't sure if you were still working or not I would tell everyone that Kelly Pack is the best and that if you could ever get her to do your brows you'd be hooked on her. I also wanted to track you down because you and I had many talks about infertility. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility and I remembered how honest and open you were about your experience and I wanted to talk to you about it because I knew you'd understand and have good advice. I just want you to know that thoughts and prayers are with you at this time and you are an amazing woman. Although my heart breaks and I cry my eyes out every time I read your blog, I have really enjoyed it and I appreciate your raw honesty. Thank you for sharing your story with the world and thank you for being you. :)

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    1. I totally remember you! I see you are holding a baby in your photo! Congratulations! Thank you for all your kind words and I hope to see you again!

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  40. You are amazing. So strong. So vulnerable. So precious. I hope things will go well for you at home. You are obviously hanging on tightly to life and love. God bless you as you strive to reach your goals. Even when you're bawling for the 100th time in a day you are strong and inspirational. Hang in there. May life bring you all the joy you can handle now and in the future.

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  41. So glad to read that you're home now. Stay strong!

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  42. I went to the yard sale on saturday,it was a very wonderful experience for me and my children to participate in something so special, i walked away with an "I heard Colum" bracelet, and i swear i will never take it off. It reminds me everyday how blessed i am and how i need to be grateful every day for my family. my husband was mad because i didnt get him one, i cant believe when i showed him your blog he sat and cried with me, it made me love him more. I will always remember your family and how you have changed my life, and i pray everyday that the hurt will lessen for you and that you can have more children in the future.

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  43. There is the blog agoodgrief.com that donates headstones to families for children. I think they mostly make them benches, so that when the parents visit, there is a place to sit...and remember...it is a beautiful website...they lost a child too...

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  44. Dear Pack family.
    So glad your all back together at home..God bless. I would like to bring you a drink like I did in the hospital..I was thinking Sunday afternoon.
    I can help you find a car..also..I do have good connection..you both look great...

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  45. I am so very glad that you were able to come home. I know it has to be hard for both you and your child. Children feed off of the emotion in the room. Praying for a very smooth transition for all of you!!

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  46. Kelly, I am so sorry you had to go back to the hospital and I am so very sorry your body is not kicking TBU very quickly! I think about you and your sweet family all the time! I am like many others and love that you update us with your progress. I often think of your sweet column and cry for you/with you. I cry when I think of you wrapping up in his blankie and smelling him. I often wonder how Finn is doing? When I read that he was acting differently towards you both at home and at the hospital I realized how this recovery will also take him a lot of time to get back to where he is comftorable again. My heart aches for you, I hope he is feeling some stability again so that you can love on him and cuddle him constantly. I can't wait to hear that your TBU is all gone! I am so glad your sweet hubby is recovering quickly and that he is able to get around and take care of you and Finn. I am wondering if there is anything your family is in need of in addition to our cash donation? I would like to do more to help your family if needed? It is the very least I can do from one mommy to another! I am so happy that the three of you are now home! I will also be keeping columns memory alive everyday and I will continue to pray for you and your families recovery every day!

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