::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

2.07.2012

Back in the saddle

I've put off writing this post, but not because I didn't want to write it. I've had the chills so bad from the worst fevers, & been so sick that I didn't want to pop even one finger out from underneath the blankets; teeth chattering. I have a fever of 102 as I type, but my fingers are allowing me to write this. This is the third night back in the hospital. I only got 3 days at home with my little family. On the 2nd day I felt a little sick but, the 3rd day I got a high fever and vomited. I was told I needed to come to the ER if I had a fever of 101 or higher, so we loaded up my Wheelchair and my walker & my oldest sister who'd been in charge of watching us that day drove the long drive back up here.

I'm sick because of my infection in my kidneys, which is a very complicated infection. I can almost smell it in the air when a fever caused by T.B.U.( The Big Ugly <-- that's what I'm gonna call it) is coming on. A specific light-headedness shortly followed by, horrible chills, overheating, & last but not least a massive amount of sweating; which eventually makes me cold again.

I'm glad I got to go home for at least 3 days. I was a Mother to my Finn, I got to experience a tv in my bedroom for the first time in my life (thanks Dad), & I got to smell Colum & cry with Ryan and talk about old memories of him. If you happened to talk to me while I was in the hospital, shortly after TBU was discovered you would've heard me talk about how I knew I would be back. I felt strongly that the treatment I was given wasn't working, I was frustrated for about a month about it, Im really in tune with my body. I have wonderful doctors (the best actually) trying to cure my TBU but, it's so complicated I fear the only way to make it disappear is very drastic measures that include removing my kidney which all my wonderful doctors that really care are trying to avoid. My current treatment is to administer antibiotics via a PICC line, that I may or may not be allergic to.

I want this to be over. I'm tired of fevers & hospital food. I don't want to feel any more physical pain so I can focus on my emotional pain. I want to go on a date with my husband, & lunch with a friend. I want to hang up 100 photos of Colum randomly all over my house so I can see him with every turn. I'd die to re-organize my storage room, junk drawer, vacuum closet, & kitchen cabinets. I miss going to Callie's for breakfast on Sunday mornings with our little family & watching The Real Housewives & Project Runway while I run. ....I miss Colum.

35 comments:

  1. Bless your sweet heart, Kelly. I found out about your family through Stephanie Nielson's blog a while back and have been checking in on you ever since. I bought some beautiful felted items from Amy Brand, and she donated the proceeds to your family. I have been praying for you. I just want you to know that. I am so very sorry for the lost of your precious Colum and for the physical and emotional pain your family is enduring. I would love to know if there is some address available for sending you mail. I understand you may not want to give out your home address, but if there is an option that would work, I would love to have some kind of address. Sending gentle hugs and prayers for your kidney to heal heal heal!

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    1. I love getting mail! Email me packx4@yahoo.com & I can give you an address. & thank you so much

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  2. I also just found your blog. You are strong and a beautiful Mother. Thank you for sharing your story through your blog. You are helping me to be a better Mother and person. I will pray for you and your family. Stay strong. X! Malinda S from Florida.

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  3. Sorry to hear you're back in the hospital but a few days at home hopefully helped re-energize you for this next fight. I second Linda and would love to have an address to send physical mail too. It's always more fun getting personal notes in the mail right? :) I hope you can beat this infection without losing your kidney.

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  4. Goodness girl I cant believe your kidney is in that bad of shape. I am so sorry you are back there. Sometimes you wish doctors would listen to their patients more than they do. Like you said, no one know your body better than you do. I hope you get feeling better soon. Stay strong.

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  5. Sorry to hear about this setback-- you can do this, but sorry you have to. Still thinking of and praying for you everyday. Love you!
    Natalie Jensen

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  7. I am so sorry for your setback. Ugghhhh.....That has got to be so frustrating. Our family is continuing to send prayers your way. You don't know us, but we went to the yard sale on Saturday, and we were all so honored to have the opportunity to support you guys in this way. My youngest daughter was super excited for the bake sale. :) We each got a Colum bracelet. My kids wanted to buy theirs with their own money. What a sweet tribute to your Angel Baby Colum. We saw your little Finn. We didn't talk to him or your awesome husband.....Just watched them from afar. Finn is sooooooo cute! I am hoping HOPING for the best for you. You deserve to be able to move on to the emotional healing that you so desperately need at this time.
    All our love from the Keddington's
    P.S.: Please disreguard the deleted post above that was from me. I have the capacity to be "technologically challenged" at times! :)

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  8. Ahhh my heart breaks!! I am going to pray for all of these wants for you, I will pray for healing, I will pray for mourning that is uninterrupted by health issues, I will pray for a new normal for you. I will continue to pray for your family.

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  9. Sending you some Arizona sunshine you sweet girl. Take care and I pray that it won't go on long, so you can be back with your family. Here's hoping today is better than yesterday.
    ~M~

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  10. Another stranger here- sending you warm thoughts and healing prayers. About TBU be your own advocate, if you feel strongly about something tell your docs ! I’m sorry seems so inadequate to say re your loss, but it’s all I can come up with and it’s true I am so, so sorry you lost your precious son.

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  11. I second what Linda said. If there is some way (for those of us who don't know you) to send you mail to brighten your day I am sure there would be a lot of people who would love to send you things. Many of us are reading this feeling so helpless and wanting to cheer you up in anyway we can. Still praying for you.

    The Baker Family

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    1. Email me packx4@yahoo.com, and thanks for your comments! Xoxo

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  12. Oh sweetie, I just found your blog. I wish I could take your pain away (physical as well as emotional). I lost someone precious to me 12 years ago. I know that pain. This is a favorite song of mine, I hope it will give you some hope!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk&feature=player_embedded

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  13. I just found your blog and I am heartbroken for you! I know that it might be too soon but I wanted to tell you about a project that I have going on over at my blog. It's called 52 Weeks of Happiness and every Tuesday I invite others to join me in sharing something that makes you happy. It's that simple. I've learned something about happiness through this project-once you start to look for it, you find it. I know that you need to grieve and that this may seem like a silly invitation but I thought that maybe it could help you get your mind off things. Here is a link to this week's carnival if you'd like to check it out.

    http://www.leighvslaundry.blogspot.com/2012/02/52-weeks-of-happiness-week-48.html

    I'm praying for you and your sweet family!

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    1. Thanks Leigh, perhaps when I get released from the hospital! Hopefully that will be very soon!

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  14. Kelly--I'm so sorry to hear that you're in the hospital again. We're praying for your speedy recovery SI you can get back to doing the things you love. You don't deserve any of this but I remember how strong a woman you are and I know if anyone can do it--you can! Love sent your way from sunny California!

    Xoxo Danni and Rocky

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  15. Also...I am so sorry for your set back. :(

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  16. Kelly, so sorry to hear about your illness. It doesn't seem at all fair. We pray for you and your doctors and nurses that they can find the best treatment and make it vanish fast! And NO--it's not allowed to go anywhere near your sweet heart! May the next ultrasound you post be of a new little growing Pack!
    I just watched the Hilary Weeks video that your friend above mentioned, and I loved it! The women in it are so beautiful, especially the one who suffered burns. (Recalling that initial reports of the crash stated that your car had ignited. SO glad that seemed to be in error, or if it was correct, that no one was burned. Enough is enough!) You must have noticed how many people have mentioned your beauty. You have always been beautiful, but there is definitely something about people who have gone through difficult trials and triumphed. Somehow their beautiful spirits just shine through, and it is hard to miss. This is certainly true of you.
    I wonder if you have some good friends who are great home organizers. It might be fun to have them come over and organize your various spaces while you supervise and bark orders from a comfortable spot. Maybe some trusted friend or family member could go in and post pictures of Colum for your return home so that you'll be surprised with his sweet image at every turn. You certainly have some amazing friends--those women who organized the super yard sale/silent auction for you guys are incredible! What a labor of love, from them and from all who supported it.
    Sending TONS of love and prayers your way! Everyone wants you to be moving always forward on the road to complete recovery.

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  17. Lots of hugs and prayers (from a stranger in Texas) coming your way. You are strong, you are loved -- and somehow you will heal from this awfulness.

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  18. You are seriously AMAZING, I have been keeping up on your blog and how your doing and I honestly just want to come and give you a hug. I am so sorry, I cannot even begin to imagine what your enduring! Please know of the love so many of us helpless people have for you and your sweet family. I am sure sweet Colum is by your side being your biggest support. How can I help?

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  19. I'm so sorry you had to go back. I pray they can get ride of the infection so you don't have to lose your kidney. I pray the rest of you heals fast, so you can do all the things you want to do...plus more.

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  20. Kelly,
    6 1/2 weeks ago, I didn't know your name. Now, my sister and I often find ourselves texting each other to make sure that the other has not missed the latest updates on your blog. We celebrate every milestone with you and have shed many tears for you and your family. We each live in a different state, but we have been trying to faithfully follow your progress. (Although I can't really say why, we have a vested interest in you and Ryan making a full recovery, as well as VERY heavy hearts over the loss of your precious baby!) I admire your strong will and your amazing attitude. You have suffered an unspeakable tragedy, yet you still have a sense of humor. Thank you so much for allowing all of us a glimpse inside your private world as you make your recovery and go through the grieving process. For my family, it would be very disconcerting if we didn't know that you are going to be okay, and your blog allows us to check in on you, so THANK YOU! You are a remarkable, beautiful, STRONG woman and I wish nothing but the best for you and your amazing family.

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  21. I am so sorry you are back in the hospital! I really wish there was a magic wand somewhere that could take all of this away! Bad things happen to good people! I don't know you personally, but I have followed your story religiously since the accident happened. I shed tears when I heard of the passing of your sweet boy, and I have smiled at your triumphs! I pray for you all the time. I am more mindful when I am driving because I don't ever want to be "that Driver" that causes a family the grief, pain and loss that you have been dealt! There are so many people praying for you, and I am one of those strangers that is praying for you also!

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  22. Kelly- You don't know me, but our husband's grew up together. (my husband-Ryan Wendel) My in-laws (Merrilee and Lenny Wendel) are long time, close friend's with your in-laws. We were at my in-laws Christmas Eve and they told us what had happened with your sweet family. I just cried all night and even for days after that. I knew I didn't know you, but my heart broke for you. I have 2 sweet boys myself and I now hold them tighter everyday and cherish every day that I have with them. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through and what you will continue to go through, but just by reading this blog, I can tell how absolutely strong and amazing you are! Your sweet family has been in my thoughts and prayers ever since I heard what happened. I am so glad to know that you WILL be with your sweet, precious, perfect Colum again one day! I am so thankful for you to allow so many random people into your life to help us realize how precious life really is and to show an example of such a wonderful, strong, remarkable woman and mother that you are and how strong and amazing her husband Ryan is too! Thank you again and I pray and wish for your family's continued recovery!

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  23. I am sorry to hear of your set back in health. I continue to pray for your family, that your faith will sustain you and that you will feel the love and the prayers of others. Lean on them when you feel like your strenght is not alone. We may not know why some leave us so soon but no matter how long they are with us we are the better for loving them. And though the place in your heart where Column is hurts now one day you will be able to remember to look back on his memory and smile. I pray that day will come for you soon.

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  24. This really sucks that you're back in the hospital! It does sound like the docs are doing their best to not remove you kidney. I'm so happy that you got to be home for those three days to be a wife and mom again. I hope you get to go back home for good real soon! Stay strong and I continue to think and pray for all of you!

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  25. <3 Thinking of you, as always. Hopefully they get this kidney thing figured out SOON. Until then, keep blogging :)

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  26. i came across your blog today through the sullengers blog....i was reading some updates and heard about you and your precious familys story. Im so sorry for your loss..and for the trials and struggles you and your family has gone through to recover from the accident you were in. I hope your kidney infection gets better and that you continue to get stronger. Your blog touched my heart deeply and I will keep you and your family in our family prayers. From a stranger in Idaho

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  27. I'm sorry to hear that the infection has you back in the hospital. My family prays daily for you and your sweet family. We were so happy to see the picture of Ryan standing without the aid of crutches on the other blog. But, our hearts were heavy to see that ultrasound of your heart and know that TBU has you back where you least want to be. We pray that the doctors treating you can find a way to fight off the infection quickly or listen to you, and remove the offending organ so that recovery can resume. We admire your strength and courage as you face these trials each day.

    I second the wish that the next ultrasound you post will be one of a new little Pack bean growing in your womb. May Heavenly Father wrap you in his arms and give you the strength to endure and the comfort to carry on each day.

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  28. Kelly - so sorry about TBU's return and that you are back in the hospital. I'm glad you have amazing docs and that they are taking good care of you. They will learn to follow your intuition. You definitely have spot on intuition girl! We are praying for you and your family every day. We get emotional when we look at pictures of Colum. It is so great that you had that amazing family photo shoot. We love looking at all those beautiful pictures posted on your blog. When you are back home we want to bring you your favorite breakfast from Callie's and give you a big hug. Love to all! P.S. Great news that Ryan is off his crutces!

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  29. I'm so sorry! Ordinary kidney infections are super crappy, so I just can't imagine what TBU must be like. I'm glad you got to be home for a bit, and I know you will make it back again soon. I admire the way you write so honestly and that you want to share with people what is going on. I'm someone that hides when hurt. You're strong.

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  30. I started reading your blog a couple of weeks ago (via NieNie) and your story is heartbreaking but also triumphant. Your little family has gone through so much but you are staying strong and positive. May God bless you to get better soon so that you can get back home and get on your feet again.

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