I've put off writing this post, but not because I didn't want to write it. I've had the chills so bad from the worst fevers, & been so sick that I didn't want to pop even one finger out from underneath the blankets; teeth chattering. I have a fever of 102 as I type, but my fingers are allowing me to write this. This is the third night back in the hospital. I only got 3 days at home with my little family. On the 2nd day I felt a little sick but, the 3rd day I got a high fever and vomited. I was told I needed to come to the ER if I had a fever of 101 or higher, so we loaded up my Wheelchair and my walker & my oldest sister who'd been in charge of watching us that day drove the long drive back up here.
I'm sick because of my infection in my kidneys, which is a very complicated infection. I can almost smell it in the air when a fever caused by T.B.U.( The Big Ugly <-- that's what I'm gonna call it) is coming on. A specific light-headedness shortly followed by, horrible chills, overheating, & last but not least a massive amount of sweating; which eventually makes me cold again.
I'm glad I got to go home for at least 3 days. I was a Mother to my Finn, I got to experience a tv in my bedroom for the first time in my life (thanks Dad), & I got to smell Colum & cry with Ryan and talk about old memories of him. If you happened to talk to me while I was in the hospital, shortly after TBU was discovered you would've heard me talk about how I knew I would be back. I felt strongly that the treatment I was given wasn't working, I was frustrated for about a month about it, Im really in tune with my body. I have wonderful doctors (the best actually) trying to cure my TBU but, it's so complicated I fear the only way to make it disappear is very drastic measures that include removing my kidney which all my wonderful doctors that really care are trying to avoid. My current treatment is to administer antibiotics via a PICC line, that I may or may not be allergic to.
I want this to be over. I'm tired of fevers & hospital food. I don't want to feel any more physical pain so I can focus on my emotional pain. I want to go on a date with my husband, & lunch with a friend. I want to hang up 100 photos of Colum randomly all over my house so I can see him with every turn. I'd die to re-organize my storage room, junk drawer, vacuum closet, & kitchen cabinets. I miss going to Callie's for breakfast on Sunday mornings with our little family & watching The Real Housewives & Project Runway while I run. ....I miss Colum.