::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

1.26.2012

Anatomy of a car crash part 9

First I just want to say thank you for all the kind comments you have left me. I read every single one of them and it helps me feel like I'm not alone & have special angels guiding me through the heartache & pain. Thank you to everyone who has been able to donate to help us. Every penny counts & I know in these hard economic times it's hard to do, bless you all.

It was decided a 3rd drain was to be put in. I don't know why but this one was excruciatingly painful. Luckily my mom wass there after it was placed. I cried and cried and needed my momma. It felt like a huge chunk had been cut out of my side with an ice cream scooper. There was a peculiar layer wrapped around my kidney that they wanted cleaned out; it turns out it was blood. My sheets were spotted with blood from who knows what part of the drain. I cried & cussed every time I've had to get out of bed & back in. It was a sharp, stabbing ferocious pain. This afternoon during my last therapy session we got interrupted by a transporter to get an ultrasound on my kidneys. To my delight when I was wheeled in the room the man who put in & takes out my drains entered into the room. The ultrasound showed it had served its purpose & he pulled out the drain right then an there, and of course it hurt like heck. The pain is now gone and I feel like a free bird again!

One of my main goals before I went home was to be able to walk to a commode to toilet myself. Yup, I've been going in a bed pan & my catheter was just removed yesterday. Another reason why nurses, aids, & therapists are special people is what they do to assist you in these situations. Bed pans are the only answer & it takes 2 people to help roll a broken body & place it under you just right. Then you have to get comfortable because going in a bed pan is not easy my friends. You are in bed & it's not the same. And it takes 2 people to roll you off and clean you. Every floor I've been on its all the same...going poop is a celebration. We are all on meds that plug us up. It's always a proud yet humble moment. Lots of very humble moments in here. I'm very very proud to say I no longer use bed pans as of yesterday. I won't need my friends and family to do that for me when I get home (something I've been absolutely terrified about for weeks). I can also brush my own teeth & hair, feed myself, push buttons, & hold a cup! Every ounce of independence is amazing and like a little celebration of my own.


Like I mentioned before, I don't get pregnant easily. 2 has always been our number. My pregnancy with Colum was very very hard. Last December I called and scheduled a vasectomy. The day before we were supposed to get it done I called & I canceled it. After the accident an old friend reminded me of a conversation we had shortly after I'd canceled. She'd heard me complain throughout my entire pregnancy about how sick,fat, & just plain miserable I was. Colum was also somewhat of a surprise. She knew 2 was our number. So she could not understand for the life of her why I canceled the vasectomy. She thought I was crazy. I told her, "what if one of my kids die". She told me how unlikely that was, & it is. I remember having that conversation. I am so grateful I canceled that vasectomy. All I want is to be pregnant again & hear little tiny feet pitter-pattering around my house again. & hear the laughter of 2+ siblings playing again. I know nothing can replace Colum. & there will always be a gaping hole in our hearts. Tonight I texted Ryan that I wished I was pregnant. He responded saying he asked Finn before he fell asleep if he'd want a new baby boy or a new baby girl and Finn said boy :). Of course I secretly want another blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy that looks and acts just like my Colum. But I know i will love whatever I get and I will keep colum's memory alive in them.

My goals/timeline are:
Walk without a walker
Not need a jazzy or a wheelchair
Walk without a cane
Run again & build myself back up to 5+ miles/day
Get pregnant at lightning speed (cross your fingers for me)
Continue running while pregnant
Get pregnant again a year later at lightning speed


...I think our new number is 3

Correction 4 is our new number. I still need to count my Colum. Love you baby!

89 comments:

  1. Wonderful goals. I hope you are able to attain each one of them. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.

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  2. I'm another 'you don't know me' person :) I saw Stephanie Nielson's comment about prayers for the Pack family and clicked through to add my prayers on too.

    I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers until all your goals/timelines are crossed off as achieved. Look at Stephanie as she is proof that it can be done.

    All the very best from our little family here in Australia.

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  3. Kelly,

    I have been following your blog since this tragedy happened. I am pulling for you and your family. My baby is a week older than column and I almost lost him at birth. I remember thinking the same thing as you... I just want to be pregnant as fast as I can. Not to replace but to help me find some peace. I will continue to pray for your family and also for you to accomplish every single one of your goals. I pray for your comfort and will continue to. Thank you for your updates.

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  4. Kelly, I wish all of that for you and more!!! I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you have been through or what you will be going through from that day on. You are in our prayers. Thank you for the updates, I think about you all the time, as the Mother, the Wife, the Matriarch of your family. As it is ultimately everything rests on our shoulders.

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  5. Sending you love, blessings, peace, hope, and calm. You will achieve your goals!

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  6. If anyone can accomplish those goals, it's you!

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  7. Fingers crossed.....May all of the choicest blessings be with you and your sweet family. Three is a good number! Our family's prayers continue to be with you. :)

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  8. finger and toes are crossed! you deserve all the luck and happiness in the world. i still think about you daily, so many loves and prayers coming your way. i was in utah county over the weekend and saw pack family jars almost everywhere i went... i was so happy to see them full!

    p.s. this is the very reason i won't let my husband get a vasectomy!

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  9. You are in my prayers! I know you can do this! You are an inspiration to me!

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  10. Yes your new number is 3!!!! I'll pray that you guys will have a baby soon! Look how far you and Ryan have come. You have great goals and you will reach them all! Take it one day at a time!
    I wish I knew you so I could give you guys a hug and say I'm sorry! Please keep updating us!

    Stay strong :)

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  11. Oh Kelly, you are a warrior momma. I check your blog almost compulsively for updates. You are so brave, beautiful and STRONG. It's like they say, "You don't know how strong you are until you have no other choice." I pray for you and your family multiple times a day. Admittedly, I cry for you multiple times a day. I carry your story in my heart and Colum will never be forgotten. My brother died when I was a teenager and I suffered from a good case of survivors guilt. I wish I had had the resources then that are available now. Finn and your future children are so blessed to have you and Ryan as their parents. Colum was too. I hope you know how much love is being outpoured to you and your entire family. Good luck with your goals...I am simply amazed at your ability to look to the future and know that there is a lot to look forward to. You are simply amazing!
    Love, Kacey in Draper
    P.S. Maybe I'll see you at a 10k race sometime very soon!

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  12. Hi Kel, I haven't been able to comment much but have followed you and Ryan's recovery very closely. This post has been, by far, the most amazing and inspiring post to date. I am overcome with emotion with every update, usually sadness for the horrible things you have had to face. This post made me tear up with joy which has been a wonderful change. I have always really liked you for several reasons, this post just intensified all of those reasons. Your description of your progress inspires me every day to be a better person, to be a little more like you. You are amazingly strong, positive, and focused on the future. Most people would have a hard time seeing a future, or even be able to understand that a future.....a happy, healthy, love filled future.....WILL come! I know you will have your lows, but stay the wonderful, focused, determined and POSITIVE person we all know you to be! You're an inspiration!! Sending you, Ryan, and Finn my love and support.
    Karly

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  13. You are right, having another baby is not at all trying to replace Colum, he is irreplacable, and you will somehow move on and yet never stop missing him. But I am beyond thrilled that you are planning to have more children. It is that look to the future, that reaffirmation of life, of your family, that is such a remarkable achievement for you and Ryan after such great pain and loss. God speed to all your goals and plans. Get well soon! Kathy

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  14. I am a new follower....a stranger who heard of your blog from another blog (the nei nei dialogues) but regardless of being a stranger I am with you and your family and praying for your recovery and your broken hearts. I am so sorry for your loss but also so happy you are all making progress towards your future.

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  15. I am a new follower to your progress of healing. My prayers are with you as well. I own a small cleaning service here in Utah and I would like to offer our services to you for a year as you recover. I would like at no charge to send a cleaner once a month for what ever it takes to keep your house clean. This is all I can offer as support. Check out our website www.comfortcare-ut.com. Good luck in all you do if you decide to use us I would be happy to meet you and set it up.
    Good luck to a speedy recovery
    My personal # is 801-513-0141

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    1. Thank you! I will be calling you shortly after I get home. We will be needing help with cleaning. I really appreciate the generous offer!

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  16. I have no doubt that you will reach every one of those goals. You are an amazing woman.

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  17. Oh Kelly I don't even know you but I sure do love you! My husband Chris has known your husband for years (they grew up together) and reading your blog makes me feel so proud of you and your family. I cannot believe the physical, emotional, and mental obstacles that you are having to overcome. You are amazing and so dang tough! Thanks for sharing your story with us all....Your such a sweetie!

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  18. I have been following your story. I have been moved to tears after reading several posts. I started praying off and on for you and your family from the first time that I heard your story. I was driving home last night in bad weather with my little boy. Coming from karate. The weather had me spooked and I was being cautious, watching the other cars on the road. I thought of ya'll and instantly started praying. I began to feel frustrated thinking "prayer won't bring back her baby" I am so glad that I came on and read this post!!! I know exactly what to pray for now:) I pray that you meet all your goals and for your family to be happy and healthy!

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  19. That is awesome! What GREAT goals! What GREAT accomplishments you have done too! Congrats! Keep up the good work! I am so glad that you are beginning to feel better! You are always in our prayers!

    Interesting how we can't explain our actions very well at the time and make decisions that we never thought we would make. Some people get lucky enough to see why...you have...others may never until the next life know why. I wish you a speedy recovery and a lightening fast pregnancy as well! Much love!

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  20. I am so immensely sorry for all of the pain, trauma and loss you and your family have experienced. But I know Heavenly Father is blessing you! I will keep your family in my prayers with the hope that your entire list is accomplished! I think you are very wise to realize that a new baby won't replace Colum, but I have had 4 different friends/family members who lost children that said having another baby helped with the healing process and brought much needed joy to their families. Here is wishing you all the best!

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  21. I am praying for us both to get pregnant at lightning speed! XOXO

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  22. You will get pregnant again!! Good things will come your way!! You are amazing!!!

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  23. Your new number is really 4. :) If you want 2 more, you will ALWAYS count Colum!!

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  24. Praying for peace and strength for you and holding my blond haired blue eyed baby boy extra close. Your colum is perfect. Thank you for sharing his life. He changed the mama I will be.

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  25. I came across your story on KSL on Christmas Eve and have been following it ever since. It hits so close to home for me because I have a 3 year old boy and an 11 month old boy. I ache for you and your family. I don't know how you are surviving because I don't even know you and I feel ill when I think about your life. You are such a strong woman and I admire you for already setting goals when many others may have given up hope. I pray for you every single day. I started crying when I read this post because I am so happy for you that you want and will be able to have another baby. I had read somewhere that it was hard for you to get your 2 boys here and maybe I assumed you couldn't have any more. Now I will add to my prayers that you will get pregnant quickly and bring another precious child/children into this world. How is Finn doing? I pray that you will heal quickly and that the pain in your heart may be softened just a little bit. It probably doesn't seem comforting now because it seems so far away but someday you will be with Colum again! I know you will. This is just a temporary separation. Thank you for updating and sharing a piece of your life with us.
    -Melissa

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  26. Tears of Joy!! I'm so happy to see your new set goals. Awesome!
    Like I've said before, You are amazingly strong and courageous! This post is continuing confirmation of that.

    Little Colum will be a proud boy the day he gets to send his little sister\brother(s)down to his family. I like to think he will hand pick them just for you guys - perfect addition(s) to add to the 'Pack' :)

    My daily prayers are never ending and I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed for you! xoxoxo

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  27. As I read yesterday's post I felt such a strong range of emotion. Sorrow and joy and anger. Both for you and also for my family. I have never lost a child but I have seen remnants of the pain felt by my mom and grandma. My grandma's 2 year old son (and only son) was killed by a hit and run driver. A man who was angry at a judge about a minor charge essentially told him he would do something to get revenge in some way. Why they let him walk out of the court room I don't know. That something was to target a family taking a daily walk down the street, with his car. Somehow the family heard or saw the car coming and they all tried to get out of the way. My aunt tried to pull Jerry out of danger but simply couldn't in time. The man who murdered little Jerry spent no more than two years in prison.

    Things often happen that are so unjust it makes our blood boil and threatens to eat away at any semblance of peace we might be trying to gain. The driver who hit you, being uninsured and you having to foot all the costs in addition to the loss of your precious boy, is one of those things. It IS so wrong and so heavy a burden that it could become easy to focus more on why it happened to you or why God let it happen to you than focusing on how to live with what is and how to heal.

    I don't generally subscribe to the idea that everything happens for a reason. I don't think we're pawns in God's game or that he always chooses when a person is suppose to die or live and sees that it happens. I think like any parent, he grieves with us when we hurt. I think that most often when people die or have horrible things happen to them due to others actions, it's simply because of the agency he has provided all people with. I don't know that Colum necessarily died for a reason, but now that he is gone there can be meaning given to it based on how you respond.

    As I've read through comments, your writing about this experience for example has inspired other mothers to appreciate their little ones more and take more time to be with them. It has touched people to pray who may not have done so in a very long time. It has helped people realize that if you can survive physical and emotional agony of the most acute kind and still smile and plan for the future again, then they can too. Colum's death and your physical injuries have been given meaning and reason by the way you've responded and how that response has inspired others to be better.

    I can't wait to hear your updates as you meet each of your goals, because I'm sure with your strength and motivation you will.

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    1. Thank you Summer.
      I've been reading every comment just because I can and yours brought me to tears. It IS wonderful that Kelly has chosen to look forward, instead of back. It's so inspiring that through all of this, Kelly can find a way to move forward with her "new life" and know that her old one is still just as important. You worded it perfectly about our Heavenly Father.

      Thank you. ;)

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    2. I absolutely love what Summer said. My kids drive me absolutely berserk and you, going through this awful thing, have inspired me to hold them a little tighter, be more patient with their shenanigans, to pay more attention to them, renew my love for them as opposed to the frustrations of the ins and outs of days (you know, clean rooms, clean that mess, etc).

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  28. My heart goes out to you and your beautiful family. As I read your posts my heart is so touched. Tonight I will go home and hug my three boys just a little long. I pray for you and your family. You are an inspiration to all who read your blog. Thank you for sharing your strength and goals with me.

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  29. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have followed your heartbreaking story from the beginning. You have inspired me in so many ways. You make me want to live everyday to the fullest, Thank you. I admire all the strength you have. I have shared your story with many people, and posted your updates to my facebook page. People are so touched by you. My husband Robbie and I knew Ryan from High school, and are little family has prayed for you everyday since your accident. We wish you and your family all the blessings you deserve. Continue to stay strong and know that many people have you in their thoughts and prayers. Much love!

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  30. Hi Kelly, I'm from New York City (and a NieNiedialogues reader). I am so very, very sorry for your loss. You describe your little boy in such loving detail, it made me weep. I'm a parent as well and you wrote so vividly about just wanting to touch and kiss him again--he sounds absolutely delicious. The way you describe the physical pain and suffering you've gone through helps me see my own day-to-day experience in a completely different light, and I wish you continued healing. Thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us. I will be praying for you and your family, Kelly, and sending all my love.
    Sue

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  31. Kelly you are so strong. Keep it up and you will be running with that double jogger in no time. I know it won't replace Colum but I can only imagine the joy your family will have to welcome a new baby into your home. I know colum is in heaven running around with your future children. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings and memories with us, it makes me want to be a better person.
    I hope you can have a speedy recovery and can return home asap. Love the Bartschi family in Logan

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  32. You are my inspiration this year, never in my life have I been more grateful for my family and my children and their health and safety and all of my blessings. My friend Melissa Eiche told me your story so i started reading your blog, when she told me i bawled, when i read i bawl, my heart is broken for you and yet you are still so strong, i want to hug you and tell you that even though i dont know you personally that i love you and my life has changed forever since i have started reading your story. when mellissa came to pick up stuff for your garrage sale i wanted to give her everything even the furniture from my house because i dont know how you can be so strong. thank you so much for inspiring me in my life to be strong and be the best mother and wife i can be every day for the rest of my life.

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  33. Thank you for sharing your story, I also found you on NieNie site, she is a remarkable women and I love her posts, now I find another remarkable woman, you. Keep up the good work to get home with your family. I wish you all the best in 2012 and am so sorry this had to happen to you. Your now in my prayers and I'll continue to follow. Mary

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  34. I have no doubt that you will reach your goals. You are have shown incredible strength throughout this whole thing. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

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  35. What an amazing amazing post! I live on the street right be where the accident occurred. We had to take a long detour to get home that night. I have been following your story ever since and have been intrigued by your strength. I am a mother of Four with my youngest being Colum's age. Because of you I don't get upset in the middle of the night when my little guy wakes up wanting milk or when he drags my curling iron around the house and anything else with a cord. I am so grateful to see you looking to the future and having more babies. You are an amazing mother who should be blessed with all the little babies you can have. Our prayers and thoughts are with you constantly! Keep being the strong amazing person you are! Stephanie

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  36. Kelly... I keep reading your updates and I just KNOW that you will be able to get pregnant again. I remember running into you at Nordstroms when you were pregnant with Finn and I was pregnant too. You talked to me about how it was so hard for you to get pregnant. When I heard what happened to your sweet family, it broke my heart. You are amazing, and you have amazing friends who are rallying up behind you pushing you to be strong. Your body will heal faster than you even knew possible and you will get there!

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  37. Kelly - I'm sending you all the positive thoughts and energy possible and loved reading what you wrote today. I wish you and your family all the best going forward. You are a true inspiration and I know you're going to accomplish each and every thing on your list. Major congrats on losing the bed pan :)) yay!!!

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  38. Kelly, you are my hero! Your strength is so inspiring and I am so happy and amazed at how far you have come in your recovery :) Keep up the good work! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you and your family. I pray that your broken heart will heal from losing your sweet Colum and that you will be blessed with new little ones in your home soon:) I just love you to death...every memory I have of you has makes me laugh/smile...(and involves either mowing lawns or your sweet old Pinto:) Keep updating us! I've enjoyed reading about your progress all the way down here in St. George.

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  39. Kelly, you and your family are A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!! You have such drive and motivation! I don't think I would be able to get out of bed, let alone set goals and complete them... You have taken this situation and faced it. You are moving forward and taking ahold of your life and making plans for the future. It just proves to me more and more that God can and will get you through anything. No matter what the circumstance. What a testament you and your family have for non-believers and for people like myself who need a little reminder that God has a plan, we may not understand it, but He has a plan and purpose and He will get us through it. Bless you Kelly and your sweet family from Ft. Worth, TX. <3

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  40. Kelly,

    I am so happy to hear your progress! You are doing great! I can't wait for you to have your next beautiful baby! Please keep all of us blog followers posted... we all care so much about you and your family even all of us that don't know you. I talk about you like I know you to my husband, I give him my "Kelly update" everyday. None of us will every forget you, Ryan, Finn or beautiful Colum... you have truly touched our hearts in so many ways.

    Drennan Baker

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  41. Bless your heart. I think about you and worry about you every day. I pray you have a a successful recovery. Your goals inspire me. Hold you head up (:

    -Emily

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  42. Kelly - I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your family. My heart aches for you and the loss of your sweet baby Colum. You are a friend of a friend and I found out about your story through her facebook page. I've been following the updates, crying and celebrating along the way for you. I too experienced infertility and understand how precious and miraculous it is to have a baby. I hope you get two more sweet angels to bless your family. We had a family member lose a child and I remember her saying that she didn't want everyone to avoid talking about her sweet angel. She needed to remember and cry so that one day she could get to a point where she could remember and smile.

    I hope that all your sweet memories of Colum will stay fresh in your mind for years and years so you can call on them when needed.

    Hang in there and keep updating, even though some of us are strangers we're all following rooting you and your family on!

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  43. You are a beautiful person. I pray for you and your family and that all your goals come true. My heart aches for the loss of your baby. I know you have a little angel watching you and conversing with your sweet ones yet to come to your family. May God bless you every day and give you the strength to get through this and to feel all the love and support around you!
    I will be running in the mud for your family this year!
    KC

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  44. Ive always knew you were amazing, funny,and someone people love to be around. But seriously your outlook on life is amazing. Ill always look up to you!

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  45. You are such an amazing woman! The fact that you are willing to share all your pain and heartache with stangers is awesome. I hope your timeline is completed very soon.

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  46. Dear Pack Family,

    I just discovered your blog through Stephanie Nielsen's blog. I have spent yesterday and today reading all of your posts. My heart goes out to you so much.

    On Christmas Eve our family had left my brother's home in South Jordan to go deliver our Sub-for-Santa gifts to some refugee families in SLC. We couldn't go the direct route because of an obviously terrible accident on 90th South. My heart ached for whoever was involved in that Christmas Eve accident. And then, hours later, as we tried to return, the whole area was still shut down and there were emergency vehicles everywhere. Our hearts sunk as we knew that someone had suffered something horrible on this night meant for celebrations.

    I scanned my phone until I found the story about your family the next day. My heart ached as I read about this tragic accident. It has stayed with me and I read the follow-up story a week or two later. I have kept your family in my prayers and in my heart.

    I cannot imagine what you've had to go through. It is unimaginable. Your strength and the power of your love is so inspiring to me. I am going to continue to follow your blog, send prayers your way, and see if there are other things we can do to help. I just wanted to let you know we cared, and hope for you and your husband's complete recovery. And I hope 3 is your number.

    Much much love,
    Kristin

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  47. Love you always Kel can I please be as cool as you with bedpans? I think 3 is a great number, you know my fingers and toes are crossed. Thanks for sharing your blog with us xoxo

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  48. You are an amazing person! Thank you for sharing
    Your journey! I think about your family every day
    and wish you a bright future ahead. I think 3
    is a great number!

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  49. This brought major tears to my eyes! I dont even know you but I am so very glad that you cancelled that vasectomy! I believe a new baby will bring you some much needed joy to your family. I have thought about getting my tubes tied before. I had a c-section with my second (and last)(well maybe)child and alot of people tell me IM crazy for not having them tied then.. but I kind of feel the same way. What if? Im so glad I came across y0ou story on Nie Nie's blog. I wish you nothing but happiness and swift recovery.

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  50. Kelly reading your post made my day! You do not even know me, and yes you made my day!!! I am so happy to hear that you are already looking forward to joyful events and yes you will always have a hole in your heart but a few more babies will fill your heart with even more love!!! Keep getting better I know you will accomplish all of these things and more! I think and pray for your family everyday!!

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  51. I found a link to your blog a few days ago and felt I should take some time to think of what to say to you in reply. Then today I realised that no matter how much time I took, it wouldn't matter because no words are going to bring your little one back. I am so sorry. I am trying to work out how on this earth you are getting through right now - having to deal with losing your baby and well as your painful road to recovery, as well as the mountain of financial burden you now have. And yet, I'm sitting here reading your honest words about how you heart is hurting, but also of your goals you are setting yourself and I can only think of what an incredible spirit you must have - spirit AND strength. And I know that people say that they have no choice but just to get on, but I'm thinking you do have a choice, I would say that some would (understandably) crumble in this incredulous cruel situation but you have chosen to keep moving. I am so pleased that you are now able to go the bathroom and do some general personal routine tasks - I completely understand how important that was for you to reach that goal and I'm sure reaching that goal took alot of effort on your part. I'll be checking in on this blog if that's ok, to see how you are fairing - and whether that be on one of your good days or bad days or hurt-till-you-can't-breathe days, I will still be able to see, like I have since reading your posts, that you are moving, inch by inch.

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  52. Loved reading your post Kelly, you're awesome. Thanks for letting us visit today. It was fun having lunch with you.

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  53. I have never met you but I think about your family daily since I first heard about this terrible accident. You are amazing in every way and I am so inspired by your strength. I pray that your every wish and dream come true. Your little blue eyed angel will be watching over you and I know you will see each other again one day. Prayers to you and your sweet family.

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  54. Kelly-

    You truly are such an inspiration! I honestly think you should write a book...if you can inspire and move women in such a way on a blog... Imagine what you could do with a book. Thank you for everything you do!

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    1. I totally agree. A book and/or motivational speaker.

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  55. I think your angel baby is going to take care of you all! He's already saved another child's life & will continue to live on in Finn & any future children you and your husband may have. You seem like an amazing family that has so much love! Keep going, keep loving, keep breathing. Heavenly Father will help you & take care of your sweet sweet baby Colum. You'll spend eternity together!! Colum's face is so tender, sweet & pure / your one lucky mama. He's beautiful and he's all yours forever!

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  56. Kelly,

    I, like many others have been deeply touched by what your family is going through and have been following your blog every day. I had the brief pleasure of meeting your sweet boys at a 1st birthday party of a mutual friend at the end of november. I also have lost a son and I admit I cry for you as I read this blog, I know and feel your pain. I pray for your sweet family everyday. I think having more kids is so great, sweet baby Colum can never be replaced but his spirit will live on in your other children and he will always be your angel. Maybe my son has found yours up there : ) We love you so much, me and my friends are going to run the Dirty Dash in honor of your wonderful, strong family. Stay strong Kelly and know that so many people are rooting and praying for you!! : )

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  57. I too am a stranger. My family was driving home on Christmas eve and saw the accident this always makes your heart sink. I saw the story on the news and have followed it ever sense. You have more strength then you know and your little angel is right there with you. I to have a hard time getting pregnant and got pregnant without trying and my sweet little girl only lived an hour this was devestating. Since I have had another miracle baby he is sweet and beautiful and a joy to my life it was very hard getting him here but it is possible. I will pray for you and I believe opur sweet Column is just waiting to send down his brother or sister. Thank you for sharing this very personal journey you are helping all of us to cherish are familes more. Stay strong you are a inspiration!!!

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  58. thinking about you guys today. :)

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  59. I got your blog from a friend who grew up in your area. I lost my little baby 6 months ago. He was 2 months old and our circumstances are completely different, but the loss of a child is a pain that I understand. It is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I just wanted to let you know that you family will be in my thought and prayers. You are amazing.

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  60. I hope you know how absolutely inspiring you are!! Your living most of our worst nightmares and yet able to shine so bright when there is alot of darkness. You, your baby boys and loving husband are BEAUTIFUL SOULS!

    I can't wait to read each post and see your reach your goals, letting each of us be right there beside you through it all!

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  61. I'm sorry for all that you and your family have been through. My prayers go out daily to you and your family. I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet Colum, what a beautiful boy.
    I am happy to hear of the blessings you are now receiving. The blessing of walking again, not using a bedpan, having your drain removed (yay!) And I'm happy to hear of the hope you have for a brighter future in the midst of all you've been through.
    I will continue sending prayers to you and your family for continued healing both physically and spiritually and that when the time is right for you, the blessing of another child. May God bless you and your family.

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  62. Kelly! I'm just at a loss of words! You truly just amaze me! Your courage,strength,motivation.... I could go on and on listing how much of an inspiration you are! I think and pray for you guys constantly! My heart just aches for you guys that you've had to experience this awful tragic roller coaster! It's like you have said to me before- one of those clubs you don't want to join! I have to say I have grown alot with your help through your thoughts/postings with dealing with my siblings deaths. I've learned alot from you. You just have me in awe! You and Ryan have overcome so many hurdles in such a short amount of time with so much strength and grace and so much optimism! Thank you for sharing your personal experiences with us. I love you Kelly so much and cannot wait to be able to see you and have our little chats! I am so thankful I met you 9 yrs. ago and have had the opportunity to build a friendship with you! You are just so beautiful and truly are flawless inside and out! XOXOXO Kumari

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  63. I just want to say how amazing I think you are. Your story broke my heart but as I read I can see how far you have come and I am amazed at how strong you are despite going through so much. I can't imagine not having one of my girls and am so sorry for your loss. You are truly an inspiration to everyone around you. You will do amazing things in your life. Keep pushing forward and always remember how special you are and how much you are loved.

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  64. Kelly,
    Best wishes to you and your family as you continue your recovery. My thoughts and prayers are with your sweet family.

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  65. Kelly, Ryan, Finn, and number 3 is here so number 4
    MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE, MAY EACH ONE COME TRUE SOON, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOUR PAIN FREE DAYS AND TO SEE THE SMILES ON YOUR FACES, DON'T KNOW YOU BUT I ALSO LOVE AND PRAY EVERYNIGHT FOR YOU GUYS IF YOU NEED ANYTHING LET TREVOR KNOW AND HE WILL LET HIS SISTER KNOW THAT I KNOW. YOU ARE ALL AWESOME ANGELS LOVE YOU AND LOVE YOU FOREVER

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  66. oh my goodness...its taken days for me to get through all your posts...it's like my "chocolate"...a little reward for all the work of motherhood...you have one of the saddest most heartfelt most courageous most humbling stories...god bless you! as my husband and i were studying for lessons last night we talked about the israelites and lehi's family journeying in the wilderness...how it was a long and difficult preparation process...man are you in a difficult journey but i know the lord has a land of promise waiting...and after that forever with that blonde haired blue eyed angel helping you...he loves his mamma...he will help you get there! the lord doesn't ask us to do anything that he won't help us with...keep going girl...and you will probably beat me...but i am thinking i want to run 5 miles a day too! :)

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  67. Hi Kelly. I found your blog from another one I read from time to time. Your story is raw and overwhelming and heartbreaking and courageous. Thank you for sharing something so tragically personal. You & your family will be in my prayers as you continue to heal.

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  68. Your strong and beautiful and you can do it. It's funny what life throws at us and when we think we can't take anymore....we do. We endure and carry on. I am currently going through a divorce which is like a death in itself and one of the most painful things I've had to endure. I thought it was forever and in the blink of an eye my life is changed forever. I know it doesn't compare to losing a child and I have cried over all of your posts for your sweet Collum. My daughters are the most precious part of me and you loved that sweet boy so much. He was the best part of YOU. Nothing can take that away. Always remember that. I will be praying for you and your sweet family. Remember, time heals all wounds and someday you will smile again.

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  69. Add me to the list of people you don't know. I came across your story on Facebook, through a mutual friend. I am so so unbelievably sorry for your loss, my heart hurts for you and your family. Colum was a beautiful baby boy and having my own blue eyed, blonde haired barely 2 year old, I can't imagine the pain your loss has caused.You are in my prayers and will continue to be in my prayers. I pray for your physical progress as well as spiritual and emotional.

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  70. I am so sorry for your loss. I cant imagine how hard this trial is for you and your family. My heart aches for you. I hope that you can recover quickly and that you can reach all your goals and more.And that you can have the comfort of knowing you'll be with your sweet baby again. My thoughts and prayers are sending you and your family all the positive, healing, love engulfing energy I can muster.

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  71. You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have been following your blogs since your wreck. I have two girls nearly the same ages as your boys, I have cried tears as I read, and my heart aches for you. I hope you continue to heal in every aspect. I have wanted to comment, but never feel like I can find the right words. Thank you for being so amazing! Just wanted to let you know there is another stranger, thinking and praying for you.

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  72. Kelly, you don't know me but you are my hero. I have hugged my 2 boys a little tighter every day since I heard of the horrific tragedy you have had to endure. I have wept and prayed for you and your sweet family. You are an amazing, strong, and beautiful girl. I know without a shadow of doubt that you can and will accomplish ALL of your goals and many, many more. Keep being the strong person you are, because you are an inspiration to so so many people!! One day you will cross that marathon finish line and your sweet hubby and 3 children will be there to put the finishers medal around your neck and give you a big sweaty hug. I'm sure Colum will be there cheering his momma along the entire way. XOXO

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  73. 3 ... and 4 ... sound like GREAT numbers. :-)
    All the best to you and your family.

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  74. Kelly, sweet Kelly! I think about you so much.

    You have been so helpful to me this past year and a source of so much comfort. Every time I've been in a dark place thinking about how I wasn't pregnant I thought of you and your two sweet boys. Your messages to me over Facebook were so comforting, to know someone who had been there and knew exactly how I felt.

    I'm praying for you, every step of the way. I hope you get a few more miracle babies and just maybe I'll get mine too. You are so strong and such an inspiration to me. I'm so grateful to know you.

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  75. Kelly, just know there are so many people pulling for youand your family. I have to drive down 90th south everyday, and I always take a moment for your sweet boy. When I heard of this tragedy I cried myself to sleep for 2 nights. I also have 2 boys ages 4 and 19 months, so I could not imagine what you are feeling. I know in my heart you will run again. I hope you find peace. I will continue to pray for your family and that you getpregnant fast. Good luck and much love

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  76. Okay, I have been able to hold myself together through these posts (just read a bunch in succession) and this is the one I lost it. Kelly, I am so sorry for all that you have been, are, and will go through. Heartbreaking. I pray that everything you wish for happens. And I hope you continue on the up & up at a faster pace. Heavenly Father loves you, I just know it. I am so glad your family is big and close and you have people to help you out. Oh, and the whole potty business, that would be my thing I would be terrified about too. SO glad for you you were able to get that tender mercy!

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  77. Kelly you are very inspiring. My friend lost her baby girl in drowning accident not to long ago. Her blog is patrickandahley.blogspot.com. It is very inspiring as well.

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  78. Hi my name's Alisa and I hope I don't sound like an obsessed creep to write to someone I don't know but you are an INCREDIBLY inspiring person! My mom had mentioned your story to me a few days back. She said it made her think of my little fam... me, my husband, and two boys (3 and 1). I have read everything you've written about your sweet sweet baby Colum... especially the part about having to pin his arms down to get a kiss... and that is exactly what I have to do with my little Lennox. Even though I don't know you at all, I have felt a kinship with you through the way you write and the way you're so honest about everything you say. My heart has been aching with yours every word you've typed and I just want you to know that I wish you the best of everything from here on out, especially your "new number" you were talking about ;) Best of luck with your recovery and I hope you can get home soon to savor every minute with your beautiful family! Love and peace and blessings to you!

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  79. This was hard for me to read, but I felt like I should because I care and because I know that if it is hard for me to read then it is much much harder for you to live. I always wonder what really helps someone who is having a hard time, and I have come to the conclusion that all I can say is I am sorry, and I wish you the very best, ever. And, I mean every word.

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  80. I will keep praying for you. Now I will add that you be blessed with more healthy babies with no struggle. I like to think of Colum with them right now. Reunited until they join you here. Colum will always watch over you. I hope he will be sending off his brother or sister soon. It seems you can see something special in the newborn baby's eyes who has an angel brother or sister who got called home before they were born. You know they were just with each other.

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  81. ive just caught up on your blog!! you NEVER leave my mind! your family is seriously always on my mind! I LOVE your goals! i can't wait for you to run as fast as you can!! haha!!! P.S. 4 is a great number!! love you!

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  82. Kelly...I'm not really sure what to say but I feel compelled to comment to you. I just want to tell you how brave and amazing you are! It seems you have handled your situation and still continue to do so in a way that is very admirable. I am so happy to hear you say you want more little people in your life and I will pray for you that that wish comes true. I know that secretly in your heart you probably want one of those little people to be Colum. I'm sorry to tell you that it never will be but on a happy note, it will be someone just as amazing in their own little way. That person will light up your life in a way you never thought possible. They will be their own entire person but you will find to your amazement that they have little things that will remind you of your lost baby. It's in those little moments that you will find yourself stopping to remember the times Colum melted your heart. It's in those little glimpses that you will know he is near and watching over his precious mamma. Life will never be the same but it will get more bearable. You are one lucky lady to have been chosen to be Colums mommy. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

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  83. It looks like 3 is your number you just got it a different way than how you asked........


    P.S.
    I am a triplet mom who asked for 3 babies before I turned 30. My triplets were born one month before my 30th birthday, not exactly how I envisioned my family, but now I see it as perfect.

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    Replies
    1. 3 at one time I mean!

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