There is one good thing that has come out of this. One thing I'm very proud of & brings a smile to my face, & chills down my spine. They were able to donate columns heart to another child. Colum died on Christmas day. I hope the family got the call on Christmas morning to get ready for the best Christmas gift ever. I hope that child is healthy & lives a long fulfilling life. It's something Ryan & I have talked about & always knew we would do. & in case u are wondering if it is a hard thing to do when you are actually in that situation... Not at all. It was "take everything you can use". Anything to avoid another parent to have to burry their child, "take everything you can use".
In the 1st week after the crash there'd be talks about the funeral. I tried to avoid it, I was never ready. Then a date was set & I got angry, "it's the longest we can wait to preserve the body". Body. My baby's 'body'. He was gone. No more 'Mom' songs in the car sung by him while driving. No more dragging blankets w/bottle dangling from his teeth looking for Momma for cuddles. No more measuring cups scattered all over the house. No more before bed time jammy wrestling matches w/Daddy.
The funeral was beautiful. There wasn't much at all that was planned by us except a speaker & singing itsy bitsy spider. It was held in the Hope Chapel here in the hospital because we were too sick to leave. Ive been in-capable of brushing or doing anything w/my hair since the accident. I had people put it in a few braids the day before hoping for waves but I got more of a crimped look. I threw a cape/poncho sweater awkwardly over my hospital gown. We were brought down on cardiac chairs, covered in pillows & blankets. Somebody spoke that we had no idea was going to speak & who we've never met or heard of in our lives. How do you plan your baby's funeral?
There is something that has helped get me through. Something so beautiful that whenever I think about it, I get overwhelmed with gratitude & hope. Angels. I didn't know how many there were until all this happened to my family. They walk the halls of this hospital & so gracefully stop in to rescue me. I couldn't even hold a cup to get a drink of water until recently & i still struggle sometimes. I've come a long way but the 1st 2.5 weeks I was basically incapable of doing anything. The nurses, Dr's, Surgeons, Physical/Occupational therapists, Aids, & janitors... all complete strangers. Some know our story & some don't. They give me a hug mid blood draw or wipe away my tears during our physical therapy session. They give you sponge baths & wash your hair using buckets. They took care of both of my babies. They care. Angels.
I have angels who are my friends or friends of friends, or complete strangers who are working so hard to help raise money for us. People who own small businesses doing fundraisers & donating so much in this economy. The financial burden this is putting upon us is impossible. They take time away from their own families to try & help ours. They are sacrificing so much of themselves & tapping every resource possible to help us. Attorneys offering their services for free. Random strangers sending me emails & even commenting on this blog giving me faith to push forward with words of encouragement. Angels. A big huge THANK YOU to all my angels! I know if it wasn't for every single one of you I couldn't do this!
....yup there's more to be continued.