::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

1.13.2012

Anatomy of a car crash part 3

I remember the swarm of Doctors & medical staff surrounding me once arriving to the hospital. I remember a very painful device placed on my right leg that sent painful electrical currents through the bones. "what's your name? How old are you?". I stopped answering. Breathing was nearly impossible now. I believe my blood pressure was 44/70. They gave me a drug that completely paralyzed everything except my mind while they sent me through an x-ray machine. I could hear them saying, "at least we don't have to listen to her hyperventilate anymore". I was terrified they were going to start operating while I was in this state. My main thoughts were still about breathing, my babies & Ryan


I woke up from either my first or second surgery. There was a breathing tube going down my throat that I quickly ripped out. I looked around & nobody was there & that's when I knew in my heart that there was something seriously wrong with Colum or else my Mom would've been by my side. I called for the nurse and asked if she could get my mom on the phone. As she ran back to dial I was greeted by the head Dr of the trauma unit (cant think of his name right now, one of many wonderful Drs here but also a personal favorite). He told me I was in the worst condition with the worst injuries in the entire trauma unit. That's the first time I realized how serious this all was.

As the nurse handed me the phone my mom picked up almost immediately. "what's wrong with Colum?". My mom said it was a big debate on whether or not to tell me but she thought I should know. His spine was severed & he was on life support. They were waiting on Ryan & I to get stable enough so we could say our goodbyes. I quickly found out that Ryan had no idea about this situation so I called him to tell him the devastating news.

I was told that it was the first time in the history of this hospital that they've ever approved for a baby on life support to be wheeled over to he U of U hospital so the parents could say goodbye. They wheeled him into my room where we were all waiting. He looked so beautiful & peaceful. I held him in my arms unable to get him in our old snuggle position due to so many broken bones. It was the last time I'd get to hold my Colum. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done. Nearly every bone in my body is broken & it's been excruciatingly painful but losing Colum feels like something's been amputated... Something that hurts so deep, that will always be with me. A piece of me died that day.

12 comments:

  1. I have followed your story since the accident. My heart has ached at hearing that you had to say good bye to your beautiful baby. A friend of mine works at Primary's and she was there when they brought Colum in. I assure you they cared for your precious angel with the best of what they had to offer. She was heartbroken as well as she learned the next day that you had to say goodbye. That is the hardest part of her job.

    Your beautiful family is in our thoughts and prayers. Much love!

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  2. I too have been following your story and my heart and prayer's have been with you since I heard of the accident. As a mother I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling but please know that your family hasn't been forgotten that people are genuinely concerned and even though we haven't met love you are praying for you.

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  3. This has been the hardest thing I think I have ever read and I physically and emotionally hurt for your loss of sweet, sweet baby Colum. I can't imagine your's and Ryan's grief right now. You both are so inspiring and strong to be able to share this and re-live it so strangers and loved ones can take in the painful reality of your experience. You are both beautiful and amazing. You gave Colum the best farewell full of pure love and I am thankful you were able to say goodbye and hold him in his last minutes. What a precious gift he is and always will be.
    Much LOVE to you Kelly and Ryan. I will forever keep you both, Finn and Colum in my heart.

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  4. I think this is the hardest thing I have ever read, also, and I can't imagine having to live it...I can barely see my computer screen through the tears. I think your family pictures, that are on the website (kellypack.com), are adorable and love the lemonade stand idea. Colum looks like such a happy little boy. And all of you look so in love with each other. Those will definitely be pictures to cherish.

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  5. OH, KELLY! I am so, so sorry! I am just dying reading this. I can't believe all you've had to go through; I can't imagine the pain and grief you're all feeling and I wish so bad there was something I could do! I'm glad Colum gets to be with our Heavenly Father if he can't be with your family right now; he will be in the best care until you meet again. Praying for you all the time, and hoping for a speedy recovery.

    Much love,
    Ashley Nelson Blackhurst

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  6. I started crying listening to this song it immediately made me thing of you....
    Much love and prayers....
    Love, Danielle Russell
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MlZ7JxVpFA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

    Here are the Lyrics....

    Lyin' in my bed I hear the clock tick And think of you
    Caught up in circles confusion Is nothing new
    Flashback warm nights
    Almost left behind Suitcase of memories
    Time after

    Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead
    You're calling to me I can't hear What you've said
    Then you say, go slow, I fall behind
    The second hand unwinds

    If you're lost you can look and you will find me
    Time after time
    If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
    Time after time

    If you're lost you can look and you will find me
    Time after time
    If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
    Time after time

    After my picture fades and darkness Has turned to gray
    Watching through windows You're wondering if I'm okay
    Secrets stolen from deep inside
    The drum beats out of time

    If you're lost you can look and you will find me
    Time after time
    If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
    Time after time

    You said go slow I fall behind
    The second hand unwinds

    If you're lost you can look and you will find me
    Time after time
    If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
    Time after time

    If you're lost you can look and you will find me
    Time after time
    If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
    Time after time

    Time after time Time after time Time after time

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  7. Forgive me for one more comment, Kelly. This has touched my heart so deeply. I was so caught up with the horror of your not being to breathe...and then I read your account about the loss of Colum. I knew it was coming but was not ready for it. There are just no words to say to let you know how much we hurt for your loss. It is impossible to understand what you have gone through. I came way too close to losing my son after 17 days in the Trauma Unit. Thanks to God he is alive and well and so precious to us. I watched my parents suffer through the loss of my sister whose life was taken in a car accident in Utah. It was decades ago, but we all still remember. One thing I have to say, though I have never lost a child and never want to know what that is like, is that with the passage of time, the memories no longer hurt, but they are replaced instead by an inexplicable sweetness. I recall realizing one day that I had not thought about my sister and felt guilty about it. Then I realized I was finally getting better. No, we never forget, but we can go on. You and Ryan are stronger than you know.
    Nadine Pinkerton

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  8. I am so sorry! I am weeping just reading this. I have an 18 month old and I can't imagine having to go through that. May God bless you and your whole family, and may you feel Colum's presence with you always.

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  9. My knowing heart is hurting for you. I know that "amputation" feeling. I will be praying for you and have asked my blog readers to do the same. After my 14 month old daughter Camille died in a tragic accident I started a private blog for parents who have lost young children who were born living. It is a safe place to ask questions, post feelings, or just vent to others who know what it is like to lose a child. If you have any interest in joining, please email me and I will send you an invite.

    May you heal from both your injuries both those that are on your medical charts and those that are not.

    Stephanie Waite
    stephaniewaite at gmail dot com
    www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com

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  10. My husband was your respiratory therapist that night. He watched them bring your sweet boy in. He came home the next morning with nothing but your family on his mind. It changed him. We pray for you and for your sweet Colum. You truly are an inspiration to our family.

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  11. Kelly I came across you blog and have began to read the tragic life. I know this has made me cry tears of sorrow for your family and know that God has his hand in all of this. Your sweet baby Colum is being held at this moment in the LORD's arms and will continue to watch over your family in the days to come until you can be reunited together as a family. I just want to let you know that I will be lifting your family up today and in the weeks to come.

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