I remember the swarm of Doctors & medical staff surrounding me once arriving to the hospital. I remember a very painful device placed on my right leg that sent painful electrical currents through the bones. "what's your name? How old are you?". I stopped answering. Breathing was nearly impossible now. I believe my blood pressure was 44/70. They gave me a drug that completely paralyzed everything except my mind while they sent me through an x-ray machine. I could hear them saying, "at least we don't have to listen to her hyperventilate anymore". I was terrified they were going to start operating while I was in this state. My main thoughts were still about breathing, my babies & Ryan
I woke up from either my first or second surgery. There was a breathing tube going down my throat that I quickly ripped out. I looked around & nobody was there & that's when I knew in my heart that there was something seriously wrong with Colum or else my Mom would've been by my side. I called for the nurse and asked if she could get my mom on the phone. As she ran back to dial I was greeted by the head Dr of the trauma unit (cant think of his name right now, one of many wonderful Drs here but also a personal favorite). He told me I was in the worst condition with the worst injuries in the entire trauma unit. That's the first time I realized how serious this all was.
As the nurse handed me the phone my mom picked up almost immediately. "what's wrong with Colum?". My mom said it was a big debate on whether or not to tell me but she thought I should know. His spine was severed & he was on life support. They were waiting on Ryan & I to get stable enough so we could say our goodbyes. I quickly found out that Ryan had no idea about this situation so I called him to tell him the devastating news.
I was told that it was the first time in the history of this hospital that they've ever approved for a baby on life support to be wheeled over to he U of U hospital so the parents could say goodbye. They wheeled him into my room where we were all waiting. He looked so beautiful & peaceful. I held him in my arms unable to get him in our old snuggle position due to so many broken bones. It was the last time I'd get to hold my Colum. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done. Nearly every bone in my body is broken & it's been excruciatingly painful but losing Colum feels like something's been amputated... Something that hurts so deep, that will always be with me. A piece of me died that day.