::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

1.30.2012

Anatomy of a car crash part 10

This will be most likely my last "anatomy of a car crash" post. Because, as my Dr says they just have to get two more things out my body & then it's time for me to go home. Home. I haven't been home since 2:45pm on Christmas Eve. Last time I was home Colum was alive & well. My life was perfect. But currently, Colum's Christmas presents are still waiting to be opened, his clothes are hanging in his closet, & his crib is still there with his precious imprint left in his beloved blankets. If I could, if my body wasn't broken, I would walk in the door and climb in his crib & just breathe in every smell & deposit them in my most dependable memory bank. All the laundry has been done, so I think the crib is all I've got. It's been 5 & 1/2 weeks so I hope his crib still smells like him. I fear I'm forgetting his smell. Forgetting how it felt to hold him. His head laying on my shoulder, my hand under his shirt tickling his back, his skin so soft, & my face buried in his soft, blonde, uncombed hair. His arms, one wrapped around my shoulder & one around my neck. His wobbly steps throughout the house. His uncanny ability to just dance when ANY music was on. He would constantly yell out "NO!" (learned from his big brother), & sometimes it was kinda through his nose. I learned after many times of getting decked in the face & him yelling "NA" (his other more violent no, that he said (not through the nose)) that if I wanted a kiss, I had to pin his arms down & just take one. That boy could hit so hard.

Every few shift changes I get a new nurse &/or aid that I haven't had before. I never know if they know our story or not. I constantly ask myself, do I just come out & tell them, so they know why I'm randomly crying throughout the day? Sometimes we start talking about our kids & life, & I catch myself out of habit saying "my kids", then I hesitate and stumble through the rest of our conversation. I know I'm allowed and able to count Colum as my kid even though he's gone. I guess I am still going to have to find what I'm most comfortable saying to new people I meet, that hopefully won't bring on any tears. It's something I never thought about before this happened.

I know going home will be wonderful, but I'm sure I will be a mess. I've never heard Ryan cry so hard since he's been home. I can't feel Colum here in the hospital, I hope I can feel him at home. I plan on not having visitors the first few days so I can have a few days to mope around & hopefully have my own spiritual experience. I'm a little scared to be on my own, no warm blankets placed on me when I suddenly get cold. Getting my own fresh water & being in charge of my own medications. I've always had a problem asking people for help, no matter how bad I need it. Will I be able to overcome that & call all my wonderful friends and family who so graciously volunteered their time to help us? Will I over do it, ....probably.

This week they just have to take the stent out of my kidney & hopefully take my IVC filter out. I can vaguely recall having the IVC filter put in. They make a tiny incision in your neck, lightly sedate you, and put a rather large, collapsible, metal, umbrella shaped device through the incision. They place it below your lungs to prevent blood clots & it expands like an umbrella. To remove it they go in through your neck w/something like fishing line & a hook. They attempt to catch it w/ the hook & it collapses & out it goes ...but I guess they are only able to get it out 20% of the time, otherwise it just becomes a part of you until it dissolves. Ryan was one of the lucky 20%, they 'caught' his a few days before he was discharged. He was very anxious for days, weeks even, before they removed his. He was not as drowsy as I was when they put it in, and you must be awake but you get lightly sedated for the procedure. He hates needles, even the little, tiny ones. He has a scar on his chin from when he fainted from piercing his ear in high school (glad that didn't last long). They normally have to break out the fainting salts when he gets his blood drawn and he gets white as a ghost. This all makes me laugh out loud. He's a manly man, he does manly things, & works a manly job.... But he just can't do needles. When you do IVF there are a lot & I mean a lot of shots given. He gave me every one, yet it didn't help him overcome his fear. He was starting to get me worried about them removing my filter. After, they took his out you would have thought he'd just returned from battle. "Does it hurt really bad", I asked? "well, no...it's just crazy cause you know what they are doing", he said. This, makes me giggle. The man has titanium rods throughout his body now but this small procedure was such a huge ordeal. Oh, I love that guy! Whenever he doesn't take my fear of spiders seriously, which he didn't for years, I just chase him around with a needle :).

A few more days left for me here in the hospital! I really have enjoyed blogging about what's happened and what I'm going through. It's been therapeutic and it's great to read all of your supportive comments to help get me through. I'm going to continue posting updates and hopefully throw in a few pictures because I can use my other devices, once I'm home.

One thing I've realized from being in rehab is that I'm one of the lucky ones. I will walk (& run) again. My mind is stable. Although broken, I still have all my limbs. My speech and cognitive skills are not impaired. Soon, this will all just be an old memory, and a new chapter will begin...

100 comments:

  1. I just found your blog and I have wept for your terrible loss. I pray that you continue to recover well.

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  2. I just want you to know that you and your family have been in our prayers ever since we heard about the accident on Christmas Eve. You are a very strong person and I pray that you will be blessed with peace. As you progress through your goals and time marches on, I know peace will come. It doesn't take away the heartache entirely, but will help you to cope with it and find happiness in your life.

    You are an amazing example and we will continue to pray for you.

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  3. I'm sure you will hear this time and again... but you are still the mother of 2. You are no less of a mother of one than the other just because one is playing in Heaven. I tell this to my mommy patients who have had babies born still. "your baby had weight in this world," I say to them. "You are no less of a mother."

    You will find a way to be his mother... differently. Your wisdom will grow leaps and bounds... and your heart will always have a sadness that is untouchable. But you are still no less of a mother...

    Your story has touched me. My prayers are for your healing body and heart... and I do hope you can find joy in the sunshine... and in the rain...

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  4. I think it is a really good idea to just be home by yourself for a few days. It will probably be really hard, but I hope that it brings emotional healing, too. We still pray for you every night, and I wonder if little Ania realizes who the Packs are or who Kelly and Ryan are.
    Love you a ton. Hope you are one of the 20%, too.

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  5. Kelly thank you so much for writing this blog and keeping us all updated. I have also lost a baby boy and I feel your pain in returning home. I don't want to lie and tell you it's easy and you will feel peace right away. It is soooo hard to see their blankets, toys, favorite places to cuddle with you etc. You get angry because someone moved or washed something or tried to hide it from you. Do things slowly at your pace. It does get easier. I can finally talk about it and remember him with a smile instead of tears. I know what you mean about trying to figure out how to refer to him when talking with strangers. You will experiment with many different ways till it fits for you. I pray that you can get pregnant again at lightning speed, it really does help :) Lean on Ryan as much as you can and stay close with each other. I hope your recovery is fast and your emotional pain will lessen with time. (sorry I am not the best with words but I do pray for you daily (I'm not even the religious type) and cry a few times each day thinking of your family) May god be with you, Ryan, Finn and Colum

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  6. I do hope you continue to update your blog, I think it is a good way to express your feelings (and to let all of us know how you are doing). I have thought about what it would be like to go home for you and have all those things, the presents, etc. waiting for him. I think everyone who has heard your story has thought about what they were doing on Christmas Eve and that it could have happened to any one of us. You will continue to have my prayers and my hope that all your goals will happen.

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  7. I just want to say thank you for your blog. It has been amazing and you have helped me through things I feel have been tough in my life, which are no where near what you have been through. You are an amazing women and I have never even met you. I hope you will find your peace at home and you will be able to heal and get back to your life before the accident. Colum will always be with you and I hope you will feel him. Best of luck in all you do. You are simply amazing!

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  8. I'm happy you'll be well enough to go home soon. It will be extremely painful I'm sure, to get used to being there without Colum. I'll keep praying for you guys.

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  9. You are truley a beautiful woman and have an amazing family. I am sure that Colum will help in the process to find those children that you so long for. I am grateful for your patience and kindness that you have shared with all of us while in your experiance. Please know that allthough you dont know me and my family you have touched us and made us stronger..we are more grateful for what we have and more aware of the tiny things that go on in our lives each day. Thank You Ryan and Kelly and Finn for sharing Colum with us and the world...We love you and dont even know you...The Hardcastles (American Fork)

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  10. My heart has ached for you ever since I learned of your tragic accident. I want you to know that you and your sweet family are continually in my thoughts and prayers. I pray for not only your body to heal, but also your heart to heal. I hope and pray that you will be blessed to have your arms filled again and to again hear the pitter patter of tiny feet. I know that your sweet little boy is watching over you and always very close. You are so amazing! I know you will be able to accomplish your goals.
    Love,
    Julie Morrill

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  11. I know and work with your friend Angie she speaks of your family so kindly and i always ask her how you are. I have been reading your blog from day 1. Thank you for sharing your scarriest most painful thought with a bunch of strangers. My heart feels a little tug of saddness,hope,happiness,and excitement when i read everything you have been through. You have made me think about my family and myself in a new view and even though my kids are big i still hold them and try to tell them i love them everyday. Thank you for all you do in helping a bunch of people remember whats important. Good luck at home and good luck with having more babies even though Colum can never be replaced. You will remember his smell...your his mom.

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  12. I've prayed for your family since I heard of the accident a week ago. I watched Colum's funeral footage and a piece my heart shattered remembering holding my infant Sadie when she passed in 2008. I probably shouldn't have watched the video, but I couldn't help myself. Losing a baby goes against everything right in the world. We're supposed to die first, not the other way around. Even so, your strength is amazing. You will heal and get home to your family. I'm sure you will have more babies, and Colum will be there, so happy to see his sweet Mommy caring for new babies. I know Sadie watches over me. Our son Dylan wouldn't be here had she lived. Two was our number. I'm so grateful for time passing, allowing my heart to heal that terrible wound. Just know you're not alone and are deeply loved.

    ~Jenn

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  13. Prayers that "HE" blesses you with exactly what you need to get through this trial! Sometimes all we have to do to receive those blessings is simply ask Him.

    Joseph Smith rightly taught:

    "The mother who laid down her little child, being deprived of the privilege, the joy, and the satisfaction of bringing it up to manhood or womanhood in this world, would, after the resurrection, have all the joy, satisfaction, and pleasure, and even more than it would have been possible to have had in mortality, in seeing her child grow to the full measure of stature of it's spirit...When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

    Hope this brings you some peace!!!!

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  14. Kelly, as I read through your blog I was struck by your strength. You are truly amazing. I heard about your accident on Christmas day, it was heartbreaking. You and your family have been and are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  15. Our family's prayers continue to be with you as well. What a humbling experience it must be to know that your sweet little Angel Colum, as well as your sweet Finn, and you and Ryan have been strong examples that have been able to touch others in a tremendous, miraculous way. Your sweet little guy is a hero that allowed another family to have a gift that is immeasurable and really unfathomable for most. Yet, you and your sweet family paid the ultimate sacrifice to pass that gift on to another family.
    A loving God WILL bless your with his spirit, the presence of your son in your heart always, and sweet sweet blessings on your road to recovery.
    Thank you for being strong enough to teach all of us a great lesson about what matters most in life. I am forever changed by your story and experience, and I am CERTAIN that so so many others are as well.
    Our family continues to pray for all of you.
    Much love!!!!

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  16. So happy for you to get to go home! We wish you the very best in your recovery. You guys are amazing! Thank you for the updates, it has been nice to read them!
    Love, Matt & Kacey Anderson

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  17. Oh, how I feel your loss and know what you are going threw...I remember the days after my own 18 month old passed away, wondering if I would ever feel again, worried that I would forget her, wondering if I would ever like Christmas again ( she passed away on Christmas eve) you will feel again, you will enjoy the holidays...it has been 17 years sence I had to say good bye to my little one and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, miss her and want her back...you will make it threw this one day at a time and the lord will watch over you and your family...you are in my thoughts and prayers always!

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  18. I know we haven't seen each other in years, but when you get home I will gladly come over to refill your water, count out your meds, fold laundry, etc...I got time. It's great to know that you guys are progressing and healing, even if it's one thing at a time.

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  19. Just want you to know how grateful I have been to be able to read your postings, and your story. I think about you daily, even though you are a stranger, and I prayed for you that you might be able to easily bring more babies into this world, like you hope for.
    Your story has had a great impact on me in the way that I look at my children. You never know if it will be your last. I cherish their little faces and personalities more than ever.
    You will see your little Colum again someday, and what a happy reunion it will be! In the meantime, may the Lord bless you that you may be strong enough to get through the hard times.
    Happy for you to be able to go home finally!!
    p.s. your family photos are adorable! I love the one with you and your husband drinking lemonade through straw glasses! So creative!

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  20. Kelly, I know I already posted once somewhere else, but I just want to say again how much I admire you and your strength and I'm so glad you have shared your touching story. You inspire me to be a better mom and hopefully person. I will continue to pray for you and get my donation mailed as I want to help any way possible.
    So maybe this isn't the right place to put this, but as I read your blog about your infertility stuff, I was thinking about you as a friend, even though we don't technically know each other. I am a certified nurse midwife in Ogden and have helped a number of my friends with fertility issues get pregnant naturally. I don't know your history and I'm not saying my methods are perfect or anything or work on everybody, but I would love to share them with you or help you any way I can free of charge. I have a blog that I think I mention some of the stuff on an older post on fertility. My blog is ogdenmidwives.blogspot.com or you can email me at christy.healthcareholdings@gmail.com. if you desire or want any natural advice, etc. I know of course you have a long ways of recovery left before you can think too much about that, but I wanted you to know just in case you want to check into.
    I wish you and your family the best of luck in your recovery. Thanks for being such a wonderful person and example! God bless! Christy Francis

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  21. What a great you've done by recounting the steps you've taken since Christmas Eve. I checked daily for new "anatomy of a car crash" updates. I'm so sorry that you lost your precious baby boy. He will be waiting for you on the other side though. What a great blessing to have such a sweetie pie looking over you and his big brother and dad. I wish you good luck in the future and in your recovery.
    I would be interested to hear some recounts from your husband as well. I wonder if his thoughts were the same as yours. What was he thinking.
    I'm glad that you still have your soulmate and your sweet little Finn. God bless you all.

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  22. Praying for you...reading your post today made me think that in the midst of such unspeakable pain, how many new friends you have...thank you for sharing your family with all of us. Thank you for reminding us how very precious life is. Your babies are beautiful and I can't wait to see how beautiful the next one(s) are! Rejoicing with you in the small (and not so small) triumphs!!
    P.S. Congrats on getting the drains out...those puppies are seriously painful! Yay for no more drains!

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  23. kelly, i am one of the strangers who will probably never cross your path in person, but your family has graced my heart today. my son john is but 3 weeks older than colum, and i am currently counting the seconds until i can leave my desk and go hold him and cry for your loss, but also for your strength and power. thank you for the perspective, and please know that there's a host of prayers following your recovery from baton rouge, la, and another tow-headed baby boy sending you love and hugs.

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  24. Hi. You don't know me either but I am friends with Paul Cardall and I saw a link to your sweet Colums obituary. I only live an hour away from you but I never heard about the accident or your story. I want you to know that you have touched me with your thoughts. I have a little girl Colums age and when you talked about all the things he did and the memories you have of him, I couldn't help but think how much I need to treasue these moments. You never know what is going to happen. Life is so precious. Thank you for your perspective on the little things that mean so much. I am a pediatric nurse and I feel your pain with your medical procedures as well. I take care of many different injuries and surgeries. You have openend my eyes to what a patient goes through. I am going to try to be a better nurse because of you and your family. Continue to get well and good luck with all of your goals and future endevours. What a lucky boy Colum was to have you for a mother. Lots of love from Ogden, Utah.

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  25. Oh my goodness I have bawled my eyes out reading your blog. You have the most beautiful family. My heart aches for you. Your recovery is amazing. You seem so incredibly strong. I have two young boys so when I first saw this on the news I was crushed. And now reading of your struggles getting pregnant and the details of your accident I have felt a huge amount of compassion for you and your sweet family...

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  26. I am so glad to hear that you will be going home soon. You cracked me up when you said all you have to do to scare him is to run after him with a needle. :)

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  27. So glad to hear you are almost out of there! Hope you and Ryan will heal quickly and I hope you will always feel Colum in your home. Still praying for you.

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  28. Hi Kelly, I could know about your story trought my sister Alexandra who lives in Utah. I live in Uruguay, a small country in South America where one of the most important causes of death are car accidents. I am a mom too,your story is incredible.... i cant stop reading and think in that beautifull angel...I wish you can recover soon so you can go home.Love.Maria Eugenia

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  29. You inspire me! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful post. I wish you the best of luck.

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  31. Bless you, Kelly! You have a gift for writing in a voice that sounds very real. I'm glad it's helped you to process some of what you've been through, and I appreciate that you've shared it. I will continue sending you love and praying for you and your family.
    Sue in NYC

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  32. I'm so glad that you and your family will be ok, and that you get to go home soon. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Colum. I know he's with you, and watching over you, and Ryan and Finn. I'm so grateful for the knowledge of eternal families. I know the Savior is with you too. You are in our prayers.

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  33. Your trial has reminded me to live every day to the fullest. Our journey here is so short and we will see each other again someday. I hope peace and love flood your adorable family. Thanks so very much for sharing your story.

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  34. More prayers to heaven for you & Ryan. I know Colum will remind you he's still with you once you are home again, and when it happens I hope you feel the best comfort & peace you have ever experienced. You deserve to. All of you do.
    I'm blessed to have an opportunity to help with the fundraiser this weekend, being the stranger that I am. You have amazing family and friends. I just know it will be a huge success!

    Good luck to you & Ryan in the coming days and your return home. What a blessing you two are to each other & Finn and Colum.
    Continuous love to you all!

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  35. Thinking of you and your beautiful family. Blessings ryan kelly finn and colum. The mahans

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  36. Kelly,
    Kyle and I have been crying right along with you since we found out on Christmas morning, and we've been celebrating your progress with each blog post you share and the updates we hear from friends. I think my whole neighborhood is following you on Facebook!
    I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can say that you have an army of people cheering you on, praying for you daily and ready and willing to support you through the coming days. You have shown that you are strong and courageous, and you exemplify the word "mother" in such a beautiful and humble way. Colum will always be yours, and you will always be his. That is the beautiful thing about families. You have a gift for sharing your life and your thoughts, and throughout the coming years I know you will help with healing the hearts of so many who will go through similar situations.
    Kyle and I will continue to pray for you, for your family and for what the future might hold for all of you.
    We'll be looking forward to visiting with you in the future when you're ready.
    Much love,

    Angie & Kyle Farley

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  37. Kelly, I want to THANK YOU for sharing your story with us. I have cried, prayed, and thought about you and your sweet family since your accident. I want you to know what an inspiration you are. Lots of love!

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  38. Oh kel. I just love you. I hope you do have a little time to mope but just beware we'll be there soon. I have to be honest it was hard to be at the house. Although the kids were playing and happy i too stood over the crib and saw the sweet blankets and Colums bottle there. And maybe this is totally inapproprate but i think you will underdtand. Kelly i am so so sorry i just want you to know i hear what you are saying and i appreciate you being so willing to let us all read your thoughts. I wish with every fiber in my body i could make it better but i can't so for now i just want to vomit. I love and care so much for you and ryan and finn...we will do whatever we can. I hope you feel peace and love when you come home. We are here....not far love you so much

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  39. I found your story on another blog and cried my eyes out. I think about you and your family a lot. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I do know that you are an amazing woman with incredible strength. I am praying for the physical and emotional healing of your family. God Bless you all. Sending love and healing your way!

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  40. I continue to pray for the 3 of you and think about you everyday!! I hope that when you go home, that you will find peace and be happy to be home with Ryan and Finn! You are such a strong woman!!! I wish I knew you and your beautiful family because I would like to help but I will keep you all in my thoughts! Colum will be with you today, tomorrow , and forever!!

    Stay strong!!

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  41. Kelly, let me start by telling you how much I absolutely love and adore you (Ryan and Finn as well). You are such a wonderful person and an amazing mother. I have been honored to have helped you during the last few weeks. I will always be there for you. I feel so very lucky to have gained such a wonderful friend out of this amazingly heartbreaking tragedy. I can't wait to go camping with you guys and hang out with your sweet family. I will be there to hold your hand through whatever trials and tribulations that may arise. Please know that every time you wear your necklace (I promise to get you a new necklace for every new addition to the family!!), Colum is that much closer to your heart! I love you sweet friend XOXO! Love, Candice :-)

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  42. I'm so glad that you will get to go home soon. I hope you feel Colum there. I'm sure he's one of your guardian angels now. He'll always be with you and watching over you. You are a very special person. Keep fighting. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Accept help even when you don't think you need it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a wonderful, inspiring person. Thank you for your blog.

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  43. Kelly. Your blog has really touched me. Thank you for sharing your most intimate tender thoughts with me. Life is so precious and can change in a second. You are so positive and I wish you the best with everything you are faced with in the future. You and Ryan will be with Colum again. FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!!! Thank you for your inspiration and for helping me to see that the small things really do matter. God Bless you and your family.

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  44. Kelly,
    I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. So many times we walk in the room to care for a patient knowing the barest of details of the incident, but not really how the patient is doing or coping with the situation. You are an amazing example of perseverance. I am lucky to have had the opportunities to care for you and Ryan on those few occasions. I know you will continue to heal, inside and out. Much love.

    Alissa

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  45. Hope is a powerful thing, keep having hope. And let whoever offers bring you whatever they offer. You will be so grateful for it later! :). Well wishes for you at home. Cry. And blog about it, I really think journaling is very therapeutic.

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  46. Remember and cry your heart out so that one day you can remember and smile from ear to ear.

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  47. Dear Kelly,

    So glad to hear that you are going home, I pray for a speedy recovery and I do agree that you may need a few days alone with you, ryan, and finn, take it easy, and accept everything that is granted your way it is meant for you, don't be afraid to take it, i pray for you every night... and days to come love and hugs, kisses also, rest easy heal fast take care we love you
    Cedar City

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  48. Your story is hugely compelling and I thank you for sharing it. I also watched the video of Colum's funeral--that was the most moving tribute I have ever seen in my life. I don't know what else to say other than thank you for being so brave and courageous, and I know in my heart your angel baby is sitting on your shoulder and will always be there for you.

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  49. Kelly, I live about 1/2 mile from where the accident took place and I still remember hearing the sirens and helicopters that Christmas Eve. My in laws had passed by right after it happened and reported that the accident must have been pretty awful based on the number of rescue vehicles that were on sight. I felt sick to think that such a terrible thing had happened and on Christmas Eve none the less. The pit in my stomach worsened as we heard the helicopters flying over our house several times. We checked KSL.com every 10 minutes or so hoping to learn what had happened. I was saddened to learn of Colums' passing the following Monday morning, I had been following the story and had hoped for a bit of a Christmas miracle. Little Finn is your Christmas miracle. I can't even begin to imagine what you have gone through or will still go through. I am glad to hear the three of you will be okay although your road to recovery will be long and painful. Thank you for sharing your story, I am absolutely amazed by your strength and will.

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  50. Oh Kelly. You are amazing. I have come to love your writing and your heart! Still checking obssesivly for your updates! please keep writing!

    Much love,
    Kacey in Draper

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  51. Best of luck to you and your family! Please continue to blog
    And thank you for sharing your story with us. You are in my thoughts
    And prayers everyday.

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  52. I am so sad for your loss! I wonder why these terrible things happen. I am glad you are recovering well and soon able to go home. Be strong and support one another.I'm so glad to hear Finn was okay. God Bless your little boy Colum, forever in your hearts he will be. Thank you for sharing your story! I found it thru Nie-Nie's blog.

    Cindy

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  53. I hope you find the comfort you need when you return home as hard as it will be. You have a special guardian angel watching over you and he will always be with you. May you add to your beautiful family as soon as you can . Your story is very inspiring, I lost my brother in a car accident and admire all that you have shared with us that do not know you but have learned from you. May god bless your sweet family and the little ones to come.

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  54. On December 24, 2011 Myself, my husband, and my two children (18 months apart in age) drove west down 90th south from a Christmas celebration at my sisters house in Sandy. As we came down 90th you could see the flashing of emergency lights in the distance. We sat at the light on 90th south and State street, to the right of me sat an empty christmas tree lot. At that moment my heart felt heavy and quietly wept (trying to hide the emotion from the love of my life sitting next to me) for those involved in that accident I saw ahead of me. Though I did not know the extent of the scene nor the condition of anyone involved, something in me hurt for them. In the days after the holidays I often thought about that scene on Christmas eve wondering what happened and I couldn't help but wonder what if it were us. It so easily could have been us. I refuse to watch the news as my husband served proudly in our military and I learned durning his time overseas the new brought me the very most anxieties so I did not know about you, your family, or the loss of your beautiful, blonde, blue eyed baby boy... Until today. A family friend on facebook mentioned she was donating a free session of her services to a fund raiser for your family and posted a link. Which I clicked on, and let me here. As I sat hear reading through your story, I cried. Harder than I have cried in a very long time. My heart hurt for you on that tragic day, and my heart hurts for you even more today. Your strength and courage is inspiring, your words are honest, genuine, and brilliant. I too am one of those people who doesn't "know" you, but I felt inspired to tell you that for the last 5 1/2 weeks I have thought about your family. Just that one moment was a reminder to me to charish every moment, don't sweat the small stuff, and don't forget to say I love you. I wish you and your family all the very best the future has to offer you. I will pray for you all, and be your invisible cheerleader. With your will and and strength I have faith that your goals will be reached. My very best wishes and most genuine condolences for you and yours.

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  55. Thank you for these beautiful posts. I am so, so sorry for your loss and hoping you will be able to find Colum's scent on his blankets and find comfort in being home again. God bless you.

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  56. Dear Kelly,
    I am here from Nie Nies blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine. Please know that people out there are praying for you and your family. I pray you somehow find the strength we see here in this blog to carry you through. I don't know how to express to a perfect stranger how much I care, I just don't have the words - forgive me. Please, please take care of yourself - hugs from Michigan my dear.

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  57. Kelly,

    This is Jacque from "Mommy & Me Creations". You and I have never met, but I've been constantly following your updates. Every time I read one of your posts, tears run down my face. What I really want to say is, thank you! Thank you for being brave, strong, and for sharing your story with all of us! I'm so very sorry for all the pain, you have experienced. I couldn't even begin to imagine all that you have been through. I also want to thank you for sharing your feelings. And letting them all out. Especially those feelings that you have for Colum! You are, indeed, a strong woman and an excellent mother! You have truly inspired and encouraged me to enjoy every single moment I have with my family, especially with my daughters. My thoughts and prayers go out to you! From one mom to another, THANK YOU!

    Jacque

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  58. I'm so sorry about all that's happened, especially losing your baby Colum. At the same time I'm so glad that you'll be able to go home soon. It sounds like your body is healing well. My heart goes out to you as you go on to your next chapter, figuring out what your 'new normal' is. During this time and especially your most difficult times know that you have lots of people around the globe who care for you and your family and that we are praying for you.

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  59. Kelly,
    Keep writing. It will help you heal. It will remind you years down the road of the love you feel and the angels that surround you now. This is just a chapter. That is true. But it is a chapter that will color how you write the rest of your story. You will see your life through the lenses of before and after. So I hope you will write so you can remember this sacred and painful time and resolve to grow stronger through it.

    Stephanie
    www.adailyscoop.blogspot.com

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  60. I've followed your family since Xmas eve. I'm so sorry for your loss and am so amazed with how strong you are. I am going to give you the advice my mother-in-law once gave me.
    "You can't be the only one that serves others. You need to let others serve YOU so that they have the opportunity of receiving blessings from serving others."

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  61. Thanks, Kelly.

    Anatomy of a Car Crash: A truly courageous and brilliant way to being the healing process. It has been quite a therapeutic read for many of us as well.

    I know you'd rather not be an inspiration.

    I know you'd give anything to be anonymous for the rest of your life if it meant you could change those "10 extra seconds" on Christmas Eve.

    I know that the decision to share such a sacred, personal video was difficult.

    I hope YOU know that the sharing you've been willing to do with mere strangers is making a difference. It is not the difference we would all hope for if we could control the difference it makes, but it has made a difference in our thoughts, in our perceptions, in our priorities.

    No really, thank you... for serving us.

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  62. I know the feeling of losing a child. It hurts worse
    Then any pain in this world. My heart aches
    For you. I'm so sorry for your
    Lose. He is just to precious for earth, and you will be with
    Him again. God bless your family.

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  63. Just finished reading your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. I know it is possible to feel his presence surround you always. I hope you, your husband and your little boy can find peace. Thank you for sharing your story and reminding all of us to be so very greatful and find delight in all that our children do!

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  64. I remember seeing the news on Xmas Eve. I prayed for your babies and you and your husband. I got sick when I read Collum had passed. Physically sick. I've wondered why they haven't reported more about the accident. We all want to know what that other driver was doing! Sounds like a drunk. In a single moment, a family was shattered on the most holy day of the year. I hope he rots in the depths of hell. I found your site. I shied away from reading at first. I'm not a friend or a family member and I felt I didn't have the right to be a part of your tragedy. Then I saw Collums wagon. And I heard how his organs were donated. My son is a heart patient and is at PCMC a few times a year. He doesn't need a transplant and may never. But I've always worried, what if he does? A mothers worst nightmare has to come true for another mothers child to be saved. How does one pray for that? Hearing so much about Collum's legacy, I came on and read your blog. I've cried for you. I've wept for your blue eyed boy. I want to thank you for being utterly selfless in your time of tragedy and sharing your sons life with others and your story with strangers. I pray you have many more babies after you recover and that their Angel Big Brother protects them for life.

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  65. Your story is heartbreaking-but thank you so much for sharing. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your sweet family at this time. I believe you will be able to reach your goals. Collum will surely be helping you.

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  66. your story is beyond comprehension for so many. your a brave, couragous, strong and loving woman. Keep writing, it will help you heal. It will help many others heal as well. I have no doubt that you will obtain every goal you have. We will keep you and your family in our prayers.

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  67. Just saw on kellypack.com that you are going home! My prayers and thoughts are with you as you return home. Thank you for all the updates. As one other commenter wrote, it will help you heal as well as many others. I know I have been torn apart about your story but I feel so uplifted hearing your progress, strength and courage. I am sure you will reach your goals!

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  68. Kelly, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about your sweet little family. You are so strong and brave to share such intimate details with all of us. Thank you. You are a beautiful writer....I hope you can continue writing when you get home. I hope it will help you heal. You are in our prayers.

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  69. I don't quite know what to say Kelly. God bless you and Ryan and Finn. I have known Ryan for a number of years through Kilgore. He was very proud of his boys and you. I want you to know that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. your story is so heart felt. Ryan is very lucky to have such a wonderful wife. You are very special Kelly. Just remember, Home is where your heart is.and Colum will be there. Best Wishes and God be with you all.

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  70. I came to your blog through "A Daily Scoop'.... I cannot believe your strength with all of your loss...your story is so touching and I can't get your sweet little boy out of mind. Thoughts and prayers are with you from Upstate New York.

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  71. I too do not know you but just want to tell you what a difference you have made in my life. You are truly an inspiration to so many. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy. My heart breaks for you. Thank you for helping me realize that I need to live life to the fullest and enjoy every moment because you never know. I wish you the best of luck with your recovery and may the spirit of your little boy be with you always.

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  72. Kelly,

    Hello! I'm a friend of your cousin, Gretchen's. My family has been praying for yours since I saw a link to the blog your family set up about the accident. Your story has deeply touched our lives. We continue to hold your family up in our prayers. Your blog posts are so poignant and brave. The strength you have is admirable. I pray that you get your new # of 4 as quickly as your body can heal. Sweet Colum is thought of often and your heartache touches a chord deep in my soul. Thank you for sharing your story with the rest of us. I'm sorry for all that you have suffered and continue suffering. I'm devastated that the financial burden is on your family for this tragedy. I will continue to root for you. And will definitely be following your blog into the future. May you find peace and solace through the coming days at home. :hug:

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  73. I like to hear you say you have "enjoyed" writing this event down, just as I say I have "enjoyed" reading it, every heartbreaking word. It has been amazing. I can not imagine your pain...I'm mostly talking about Colum here...and my prayers and tears have been with your family from the start. And I am simply amazed at your clarity and talent in sharing this experience with us all. You are a writer! And you are so strong! And you are so...real...that we can live this with you, the pain and the "enjoyment" of it ALL. Keep it ALL up...and I pray your days ahead are just as full of real life as you continue to heal, in every way possible. God bless your whole family.

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  74. I am so sorry for you loss. There are now words... just no earthly words to describe how sorry I am for you loss. Know that you are not alone. And i echo a previous comment. Record it all... in the blog, on a voice recorder, everything. Every sweet memory, every spiritual experience. They will be a strength to you in the days to come. With all the love I have, we're sending prayers up for your family.

    Michelle
    Angel Gavin's Mom

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  75. I am so sorry for your loss and will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you find peace and comfort in your home, surrounded by your loved ones and the things of your precious boy. Sending you much love and prayers.

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  76. I don't know if this will help in your quest of dealing with your grief, but I wanted to share a thought that someone shared with me after my mother's death. A dear friend of ours was at our home visiting with us shortly after my mom died unexpectedly. She was saying the things I'd heard many times over the past few days : your mom is a special lady, etc. I said, as I did in reply to everyone "Ya, she was." The friend stopped me and said "No, she still is. She's still the same wonderful, beautiful person - just in a different place." I've thought about that every since when ever I offer condolences. I always try to talk about the person's character as if it is still intact because I, too, believe it is.My mother is still my mother, she is still a giving, kind, considerate, funny, beautiful woman.

    I love you & hope that going home is a good experience for you. I will be praying for you!

    Hanna

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  77. I have wept as I've read all of your blog and watched the very touching video of your sweet baby's funeral. I can only imagine the heartache you must feel. As the mom of four very active little boys, I want you to know your story has changed the way I look at spilled cups, dumped boxes of cereal, mud on the floor, etc. Taking care of children day in and day out is a blessing, and one that should not be taken for granted. Thank you for sharing. God bless your family.

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  78. Kelly, we love you guys. We have been following your story and have been praying for all of you daily since we read the news. Thank you for your touching blog entries. We have cried buckets of tears. Hannah and I want to come and visit you when you are ready.

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  79. Your still amazing! I pray peace finds you at home. You are have so much ahead of you and so much to offer. I pray that you find forgiveness and peace in your soul for the man that hurt your family. I cant even imagine, but I know that it will set you free.. when you are ready. Much love to your family.

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  80. Hi Kelly.
    My name is Megan (Rasband) Black. I went to high school with you but you probably don't remember me it was a long time! Anyway I have been following your story. It has touched my heart. I am so happy you get to come home, and start healing emotionally. So many people here are praying for you and thinking of you and your family! Good luck on your continued recovery! Thanks for sharing your story, I love your entries, they are inspiring!
    Thinking and praying for you,
    Megan Black

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  81. I hope you get all the help you need when you get home! Take it really easy and have your husband be the one asking for help from family and friends if you can't! Please post on here any other way we can help. I know you don't know me, but I wish I could still help. I'm thinking of you and your little family quite often.

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  82. Kelly, I have wept while reading every one of your posts. I'm glad you tracked the experiences, and as hard as it is to read them you will be glad to have them down. You have a wonderful family, a fantastic husband in Ryan, an adorable and sweet son in Finn and the wonderful blessing of being mom to sweet little Colum. I love your new number - 4 - and my prayers are with you for a speedy recovery!

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  83. Nicole Wride RevillFebruary 3, 2012 at 9:40 AM

    Kelly,

    Thank you for sharing your story. My family and I have been thinking about you constantly, wishing there was more we could do to help you. I know I can't fully comprehend what you are going through, but my heart aches for you and I hope that you will soon find a little bit of peace. Wishing you and your sweet family all the best!

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  84. Dear Kelly,

    I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain your beautiful family has been through. Even thought it must have been the hardest thing you've ever done, thank you for sharing your story. I can't imagine what you are feeling but I will be praying for you and your family, that the Lord will comfort you and ease your pain and that you'll always feel our Saviors love for you. Your little boy is safe in His arms waiting patiently to see his family again. Your family will be in our hearts and prayers.

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  85. You are simply amazing. Dont ever forget that. There are a few blogs I read to keep me grounded and remind that my time on earth is precious and that I need to cherish it. Yours is now one of them. I cry every time I read it and cant imagaine what you are going through. You and your famiy are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong. The Lord will provide for you and your family, of that I am sure.

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  86. The moment I accidently stumbled on your story, I have thought about you and your family every day. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. You are a very strong woman. I hope to be reading about your happily ever after blog someday. God bless!

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  87. Wow, I just came across your story and read it all. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Know he will never be forgotten. Thank you for sharing your story, be proud of the fight you have been through. I hope it gets easier and easier with time.

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  88. I want to share a website that might be able to help with a headstone for your little guy.

    http://www.agoodgrief.com/

    I am saddened by your loss and pray for healing

    Janet

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  89. I commend you and your family with getting through this terrible ordeal with strength and dignity. You are truly an inspiration and I hope you all can be fully healed very soon. I pray that you will easily have your 2 more little angels, with one watching from above. God bless.

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  90. Your precious family will be in my prayers. My heart breaks for the loss of your baby.

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  91. you are so aw inspiring! I have greatly and sadly enjoyed reading your posts. I heard about your family thru my sister her told me your story. I just couldn't believe it. And then I come to your beautiful blog and read your inspiring and strong words and just am left in aw of you! I am so sorry for your loss and pray that you will be strengthened even more with each passing day. Your family is in my prayers and I a thankful for all I have learned from you already. Thank you for sharing your story....you are my hero!

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    1. This isn't letting me add my own comment so hopefully this works. I don't know if you remember me Kelly, my name is Danni, and you used to wax my eyebrows when I went to BYU and lived in Provo. I came across your blog through a friends and I thought you looked so familiar. I remember having many conversations with you about how badly you wanted to get pregnant and have a baby--I even remember a picture you had of a very early ultrasound of your little peanut. I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to your family, but I know you are a very strong and beautiful person. Sending our love Danni & Rocky

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    2. Hi Danni, I totally remember you! I remember when you were pregnant with Rocky and how I loved the name! Thank you for saying those nice things and what a small world.... Wished we lived in sunny California!!!

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  92. Kelly I just wanted to say that your blog has Really touched me. I'm so sorry for what your family has gone through, I can't imagine the courage you need everyday. Thank you so much for sharing your story and letting others learn, grown, and improve because of it. I know there are so many angels who are by your side, there for you and your family. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can get well and stay well and get out there and start running soon!
    Amy

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  93. Hello sweet, strong Kelly...
    I've been reading your updates faithfully, and praying faithfully for you and your sweet family. It is something that I cannot imagine experiencing, although my family has had some difficult tragedies. One of the hardest things to adjust to, is the new "normal". When we found out that my 2 yr old sister had cancer, it was devastating, but the hardest part was dealing with all of the changes over the next years, and the new reality that we had to accept. I pray that this next stage of your life is blessed, and that you can learn how strong you really are.... You certainly are an inspiration to me and every other young mother who is introduced to your story. We all need a reminder of how sacred our role is as mothers, and to cherish every moment we have with our babies. I hope and pray that the ache in your heart can be quieted somehow, and that you can feel the love and support of everyone around you. You are my hero.

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  94. I remember your horrible accident on Christmas Eve, and I am so unbelievably sorry for you. I have read your blog, and wept for you. Please know that you and your sweet family are in my prayers.

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  95. I'm so sorry for you, I know that pity is the last thing you need right now. I hope that you and your family are able to move on and live an extremely happy life. Have a wonderful blessed life.

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  96. Hello Kelly, I somehow happened upon your blog from a friends facebook page in San Jose, Ca. I am not sure where you live or how far this blog has traveled. I read every single one of your blog posts, or should I say bawled like a baby as I read them. I am so terribly sorry for all of your hurt. I am a stay hm mother as well of 2. I relate to everyone of your descriptions about your Colum. The blankie in the morning next to his face, his hair, his climbing in your bed in the morning to cuddle, your picking up everything in their path all day long. My son is 2 1/2. I promise I will never ever complain again about the small simple things of day to day life. I will forever think of you and pray for you every time I pick up a toy in my way. I am so sorry for how he was taken from you and what you have all had to endure in it's aftermath. I hope that this Christmas, God surrounds you tight and shines his love on you all the nights, and that Colum's heart beats extra strong in whomever got his brave and beautiful heart. I hope and pray that you and Ryan are blessed with another child and that you all can rebuild and recover from these difficult days. God Bless You and know that you are in my prayers and thoughts.

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