::pack:: of fixations

life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.


Saving myself

Airing dirty laundry only to let it go

Growing up my oldest sister told me she would get hives every time my mom had another baby.  The reason for this is because she was expected to take care of them.  She has told me that my mom never got up with me as a baby, she'd just let me cry & cry (I believe I was the most neglected by my parents overall in my family).  So it was her that got up with me, even though she was only a freshman or sophomore in high school.

The sister just older than I, I now have been told started seeing psychiatricists at the age of 5.  She was so loud & interruptive & self-serving.  She lived to make me look bad, & would beat me, one time she used a bat to my head.  Oh & she also had 100+ lbs on me.  Often as I would get dressed for school, the shirt I would plan on wearing would be ruined because it was stretched out because my sister would try on my clothes when I wasn't there.  I think she was a very difficult child for my parents & she was always out for me, never getting punished or punishment enough.  I was quite small when she was standing on the top edge of the couch with the bat just waiting for me.  I don’t recall being in a fight with her but I was innocently trotting down the stairs as she swinged & hit the wooden bat to my skull.  My Father was the first one to the scene & what I witnessed was barely a reprimand; he didn’t even put her in time out.  Maybe they didn’t know?  

As a child, I remember having so many mixed emotions.  Why was my mom always talking to my dad like that?  At age 10 is when I started mowing lawns.  It was such hard work & made me feel exhausted.  I didn't get paid.  While mowing lawns, at this young of an age I remember a sweet old man whose lawn I was currently mowing came outside & approached me slowly.  As I shyly looked up at his eyes I saw that he was crying.  His arthritic hand was shaking heavily probably from tremors as a piece of candy fell onto the grass below.  He emptied the rest of the candy in my hand, as I was catching them & putting them in my boxer short pockets.  While struggling to catch the free candy, I barely heard his gentle voice say, "a small girl should not be doing the work of a man".  I will always wonder if he knew if my Dad wasn't paying me.  

The night of Christmas Eve 2011, I showed up to my brothers house, I actually hadn't seen my parents in months.  I didn't have the vocabulary to know that I was actually setting up boundaries to protect myself from them at that time.  (I actually still need more vocabulary & therapy).  As the youngest of 7 children I was never nurtured, I never felt special, or even loved by them... truthfully.

My first memories of my mom after the crash was her hovering over me repeating, "I won't hold this against you, I won't hold this against you".  I knew what she meant.  She meant because she hadn't seen Colum in months, & I was to blame for that since I was trying to protect myself from my parents ways.  They don’t even try, they never have & it still hurts to feel unloved by your parents.

After our car accident I went to therapy.  But not because of my fear of driving in cars or PTSD, but because I needed tools to deal with my Mom; whom turned our tragedy into being all about her.  She turned my losing Colum into some sort of sick competition & I wasn't competing.  My mom would call me and just cry psychotically.  I would put her on speaker so Ryan could hear her.  She was wanting ME to console her for Colum's death.  She wanted to be the victim, because she always is.  Up until recently I would justify her behavior, maybe she never properly grieved my brothers death approximately 45-50 years ago?  But I’m 6 years out & am nowhere near to behaving that way.

One time in a court hearing, I think it's when he plead guilty, I began to cry.  The room was filled with news journalists, & bailiffs.  Within seconds of me starting to cry, I heard my Dear Mother start sobbing harder & louder than me.  I couldn't help but feel that my mom brought her victim competition with her.  

When I was younger my mom & sister just older than I would clench their fists & purse their lips (an impression of something I had no idea I would do) & call me lazy & helpless.  I still to this day overwork myself to compensate for them doing that to me over the years.  Is this normal?  Did your mom & sister do this to you?

My parents & the bishop we used to live next door to (that wouldn’t wave to me) actually drove to the hospital & "blessed" our kids into the Mormon church without asking us, their parents who were still fighting for our lives.  This wasn’t cool.

I remember her coming to my hospital room, I was trapped in & naming off the gifts that caring friends, strangers, & neighbors were giving her; a little Jesus figurine holding a boy that resembled Colum was one I specifically remember.  Tears fell from my eyes as I expressed my desire for even one of those things to have in my room with me.  The satisfaction in her evil smirk she gave me, is something I can never forget.  Why would a mother compete with her daughter after going through something so horrible?

My childhood was a lot of the time a hostile situation between my sister & both my parents.  Ask ANY friend who came home with me from school & they will tell you that all my parents ever did was scream at me, my mom usually never even left her bedroom, she’d scream like a senile person at me over leaving a light on.  My Dads yelling would escalate over nothing & many friends witnessed him chasing me through the hallway & around the kitchen with his hand in the air screaming at me over what didn’t make sense.  If they weren't screaming at me, I was invisible to them.

I clearly struggled with eating disorders & a (very) severe case of body dysmorphia (still a struggle for me).  I continued to mow lawns through the age of 18 for free, but my dad always drilled it into all his daughters heads that it was to pay for our weddings.  I mowed up to 180 lawns per week with boys around my age whom my dad would pay, but all they’d talk about was how cheap he was & basically call him an asshole as I’d listen quietly in the truck wanting to shout at them that at least they were getting paid something!  I payed for my own wedding (mostly it came out of Ryan’s paycheck at age 23, I was 20) which I'm still confused about, along with a lot of other things.  But I’d rather pay for it myself than ask them for anything.  And in case your wondering they didn't pay for college or offer.  I grew up saving my lunch money so I could buy a things like deodorant, & a dress for prom & other dances.  It was easy because I was so disgusted with myself that I felt I didn't deserve to eat.  I was neglected, & abused emotionally.  I had no self worth.  I still struggle with feeling worthy of most peoples affection.

I graduated high school early & moved to Denver with a friend.  I did this to escape my life at home.  There we worked jobs & got our own apartment & I lived 100% independently on my own.  It was a huge struggle & it was scary & now that I’m a mom I can’t believe they didn’t care more about me.  I remember all my friends that worked the same job as I would receive tax returns & we would claim the same thing.  I never got one.  I now know that my father was claiming me & keeping the money.  Probably to help pay for my moms purse/whatever else shopping addiction.  "We all pull our own cart in this family".  But honestly it felt like my cart was full of my moms purses, diamonds, & material things.  It sent such a mixed messaged to me with all the waiting for my mom while she was shopping throughout my childhood.  I still can’t bring myself to shop at any outlets because if I wasn’t mowing lawns I was waiting for my mom for countless hours to pick out her millionth purse & sometimes a diamond.  If we are so poor how come you can shop so much?

My sister told me 6-9 months or so after the crash that concerned people around town would come up to her & ask, "how's your mom doin?", & she'd respond, "uh, ya mean my sister right?, you know my mom wasn't in the car".

When I was about 12 I remember working the guts up to ask my mom if She thought I was pretty, (cause she never once told me).  Her response was, " well, do you think I'm pretty?,  because you look like me".  I probably shrugged & I remember running downstairs in my room& crying.  I just wanted to be seen, just for a moment.  I don't have any pleasant childhood memories associated with either of my parents.  I’m not lying when I say I can’t think of one.

A couple years ago my oldest Niece on my husbands side told me that, her, her sister, her mom, & her Grandma (my MIL) sit around and talk about how I didn't thank them enough for helping us, (I assume for watching Finn when we couldn’t wipe our own asses etc). This came shortly after the 2 page letter my MIL wrote me exclaiming that I let my tragedy effect me too much & so many other horrible things.  This confused me since I NEVER spoke with her about  our tragedy.  It also broke me because I really needed a mom figure in my life.  My in laws won’t even say Colums name even though THEY were the ones that actually KNEW him the best.  It still stings so much, but I just can’t work with a group of Women that won’t talk to me to my face or can’t say the word Colum just cause a Meth head took him away from all us.  It feels so cold when I’m around them.

Ryan, used to think I was being dramatic actually about the way I felt about my parents & upbringing.  He’d roll his eyes at me.  This was only until we shared a room or 2 or 3 at the U of U hospital after our tragedy.  I can’t figure out what the exact moment it was that he recognized the absolute horrible behavior of both my parents & continues to apologize & understand me better to this very day!

He’d see them act like heros in front of all the important people only to benefit themselves.  They’d volunteer to pick up things we needed such as combs, bed sheets, & the equivalent of male stripper pants with buttons down the side (these are what handicap peoples dreams are made of), only to nickel & dime us for every cent.  They kept track of every single penny!  But they would never except in front of other people, not even in front of the Costco cashiers.  My parents didn’t/wouldn’t fork out $2 for us, we had to pay them back & hey, they even got to go shopping how satisfying for them.

I am still very confused by their money hungry, childhood stealing, hard labor they put us through, & all their weird hang ups & manipulations.  But I’ve recently realized with the help of Colum that I can no longer have them in my life... well that is unless they are willing to pay TOP DOLLAR to see us, for this is what I believe my/our worth is.  I’m requesting $1000 each to see any of us.  This is to go towards therapy that I need & to pay my sitter while I’m there.  I would also like to put some of the $ towards my triplets preschool because truthfully we can’t afford it right now.  It’s pretty rough when people ask if they are in preschool & most the time I make up an excuse.  There are the government funded preschools that we have been looking into for next year FYI. 

I think my upbringing made me strong & im really grateful for that.  But, sometimes it’d be nice to have just one parent, just one even once a year that told me they were proud of me & showed some sort of affection.  Somebody that wouldn’t twist & turn things I said into something that I didn’t.  In my profession I witness this kind of mother/daughter relationship & it gives me hope for my daughters & I.  

Ryan & I were put in the middle of way too many situations while we were in the hospital that we shouldn’t have.  I think BOTH sides are at fault for that.  I also think it was the most SELFISH behavior I’ve ever witnessed in my adult life.  And it’s unfair that we both have so many toxic people around us.

I’ve slowly been detoxing from ALL toxic people in my life over the last few years.  I don’t think I’m perfect by ANY means but I do know that I am overly humble, a hard worker, & have a very creative mind.  I care about other humans & consider myself to be brave & strong.  I will put almost anyone before I put myself & I’m actually a really decent person.

Colum has showed me to look at the world & the people in it like a child.  You see, there are good people & there are bad people.  I’m a good guy.  I really am a good person that cares about others.  I’ve recently realized with the help of an unknowingly helpful friend that I was starting to not SEE my own kids.  I wasn’t nurturing them!  I was starting to resemble my own parents.  I want them to be seen & heard.  And most importantly that I want them to feel nurtured.

I never wrote the truth about what was happening behind the scenes because I used to want to protect the bad guys.  But, over thanksgiving I had the most spiritual experience of my life.  Colum’s here with me now & he’s strong, brilliant, & funny.  Even though they are my parents, I don’t need to have all of their negativity around me, for misery loves company.  I just want to bee happy, bee myself, & bee good.


Roller Coasters

Colum turns 6 years old tomorrow.  I should be getting ready for his party.  I should be scrambling to get all the ingredients ready to make his Birthday cake.  He should have just finished kindergarten and would be going into first grade. June this year has been hard for me.

I am opening up my own tiny brow studio (it's called the BrowHive).  It's a little tricky getting everything ready when you have three 2 year olds.  In preparation today I took all 4 kids to the Health Department with me, but before that I spontaneously took the 4 kids and I to Macaroni Grill.  I used to not take them out alone because my anxiety levels get so high, my clothes are sopping wet from the sweat from the panic attacks I'm keeping at bay, and it's just too much.  Why am I like that?  Is it because if anything happened to anyone I'd go crazy?  Yup.

I've gotten better.  An older lady walked up to our table of 5 brunettes & pasta and said, "you have such well behaved children".  I thanked her and Wren immediately starts babbling about her cane.  The kind woman jokes that the reason she has a cane is because she's an old woman.  I hesitate but say it anyways because I know Finn will if I don't, "Mommy used to have a cane too, Bird".  I smile to myself because my kids ARE really well behaved & it's not uncommon for us to be told that.  And thank God that they are for we are out numbered!  Rooting myself on is something that I do to myself quietly in my head.  We have triplets and we are doing it!, and we are doing it all on our own.

Finn asks me every year what we are going to do for Colum's Birthday.   I don't know, is my answer these days.  But all I really want to say is survive.  Last year I cried so much my eyes were swollen shut & purple and I was scheduled to work (in cosmetics mind you).  I contemplated not going.  I've noticed that I talk about him less and less.  I am so busy all the time and I am so tired that I just put everything aside.  Nobody really knows what this is really like.  The dates such as Birthdays, Holidays, and for our case Christmas and all those days in between. 

A lot of the people that I thought I could trust have turned out to be well...untrustworthy.  Sometimes the drama that people cause, well it literally blows my mind.  I know that sometimes people hurt other people because it makes them feel safe.  Why do people lie so much?  Why do grown people make up scenarios that didn't ever happen?  And when people don't have you or your family's best interests and lie/make up scenarios why would we want to be around you? 

 I hope that hurting us made you feel safe.  I hope you got everything you wanted.

Please leave us alone. 
 we have been hurt enough and are just wanting to survive.

we are not into roller coasters, especially those that we can control.

I feel like every time I get off one roller coaster I'm forced on to the next.  I just don't really want to be on ANY roller coasters anymore.  In fact I just want to skip the amusement parks all together.   For example, sometimes I stay on a roller coaster (the job I just quit) in hopes of being done with roller coasters all together (another job).  But it turns out it was just a different type of roller coaster.  I stood there and watched that roller coaster just coast on by without me.  Put me down for long walks on the beach.  Ferris wheels, nah I'm good I'd rather scrub toilets.  Smooth sailin' is all I want.  If there's rough waters aka drama/shitty people/man getting out of prison after they kill my son; we will just stay right here on the dock and eat a Popsicle. 

P.S. I haven't heard anything about the Thomas Ainsworth appeal.  I'm sorry I didn't update you all.  I just can't handle it you guys.  I can't take it on.  I haven't even called the Prosecutor.  I'm on my own little cloud of denial and it feels fine for now.  I just want smooth sailin' and for him to stay in there.  I can't break down right now I have small children.



Piano article

When you lose a child, grieving is a lifelong experience
When our first child is born, a loud voice says, “Runners, take your marks!” We hear the starting gun and the race begins. It’s a race we must win at all cost. We have to win. The competition is called “I’ll race you to the grave.” I’m currently racing three sons. I really want to win. 
Not everyone wins. 
I’m here at the national meeting of Compassionate Friends, an organization offering support and resources for parents who lose the race. I’m wandering the halls during the “break-out” sessions. In this room are parents whose children died in car accidents. Over there is a room full of parents of murdered children. Parents of cancer victims are at the end of the hall. Miscarriages and stillbirths are grouped together, as are parents who have survived a child’s suicide. And so it goes. 
In a few minutes, I’m going to address Compassionate Friends. This is the toughest audience of my life. I mix with the gathering crowd, and a woman from Delaware glances at my name tag. Her name tag has a photo of her deceased son. My name tag is absent photos. 
“So … you haven’t … lost anyone,” she says cautiously. 
“My three sons are yet alive, if that’s what you’re asking me,” I say gently.
She tries to nod politely, but I can see that I’ve lost credibility in her eyes. She’s wondering who invited this speaker, and what on earth he could ever have to say to her. 
My address is titled “The Myth of Getting Over It.” It’s my attempt to answer the driving questions of grieving parents: When will I get over this? How do I get over this? 
You don’t get over it. Getting over it is an inappropriate goal. An unreasonable hope. The loss of a child changes you. It changes your marriage. It changes the way birds sing. It changes the way the sun rises and sets. You are forever different. 
You don’t want to get over it. Don’t act surprised. As awful a burden as grief is, you know intuitively that it matters, that it is profoundly important to be grieving. Your grief plays a crucial part in staying connected to your child’s life. To give up your grief would mean losing your child yet again. If I had the power to take your grief away, you’d fight me to keep it. Your grief is awful, but it is also holy. And somewhere inside you, you know that. 
The goal is not to get over it. The goal is to get on with it. 
Profound grief is like being in a stage play wherein suddenly the stagehands push a huge grand piano into the middle of the set. The piano paralyzes the play. It dominates the stage. No matter where you move, it impedes your sight lines, your blocking, your ability to interact with the other players. You keep banging into it, surprised each time that it’s still there. It takes all your concentration to work around it, this at a time when you have little ability or desire to concentrate on anything. 
The piano changes everything. The entire play must be rewritten around it. 
But over time the piano is pushed to stage left. Then to upper stage left. You are the playwright, and slowly, surely, you begin to find the impetus and wherewithal to stop reacting to the intrusive piano. Instead, you engage it. Instead of writing every scene around the piano, you begin to write the piano into each scene, into the story of your life. 
You learn to play that piano. You’re surprised to find that you want to play, that it’s meaningful, even peaceful to play it. At first your songs are filled with pain, bitterness, even despair. But later you find your songs contain beauty, peace, a greater capacity for love and compassion. You and grief — together — begin to compose hope. Who’da thought?
ur grief becomes an intimate treasure, though the spaces between the grief lengthen. You no longer need to play the piano every day, or even every month. But later, when you’re 84, staring out your kitchen window on a random Tuesday morning, you welcome the sigh, the tears, the wistful pain that moves through your heart and reminds you that your child’s life mattered. 
You wipe the dust off the piano and sit down to play.


Pissed cause I'm happy

So I've been meaning to get on here and express that I've calmed down.

Most hours I'm calm...surprisingly calm and then suddenly I.AM.PISSED.

But I mean, for the most part we are doing really great.  Ryan is of course doing much better than me because I think he's the best at most things.  

I just don't understand.  


I am trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to have the time to become an activist.  I'm scared about juggling another ball right now.  But I'm slowly learning more as I go.  I promise I will try.

We are really happy!  I'm like pissed cause WE ARE REALLY HAPPY.  And like I enjoy being happy.  I'm pissed that despite what we've been through we are doing GREAT, and now this bullshit is yet again raining on my damn parade.  

I LOVE my job guys!  I LOVE what I do.  Hi, my name is Kelly and I love what I do.  Ryan loves his job!  Kids are great!
We have super great babysitters right now and I don't know what we'd do without them.  #BLESSED #SOGRATEFUL

I know that I will learn from this.  I hope that others can too. But I think that laws need to change.  

So when I was younger I had this boy that broke my heart.  It sucked so bad and felt like forever for me to get over him. I went to Garth Brooks and he sang unanswered prayers and it gave me the chills.  I am so grateful that my heart has been broken.  I can emphasize with a lot of women.  I remember the pain.  When I couldn't get pregnant I learned what that pain felt like...when I lost Colum... And now I am learning a new pain.  I will learn things from this horrible experience.  I can emphasize with other women.  I feel strong.

This was not in our life plan.  

This can happen to any ordinary person.



clarification part 2

*The first thing I'd like to address is the alleged cell phone drop.  At the scene Thomas Randall Ainsworth told officers that he had dropped his cell phone on the floor and was reaching for it and this was the reason he lost control of his vehicle.

Well during his sentencing it was revealed that:

 his cell phone was actually found in the center console of his vehicle.  

KSL is still reporting that he claims to drop his cell phone.  Why aren't they reporting the real facts of the case?  I'm gonna repeat it again just so you can hear me:

his cell phone was actually found in the center console of his vehicle  

was he just so high that the 'drop' was a hallucination...???

I know that if you are awake for a few days straight hallucinations can happen!  


He was driving 78 mph & his foot never came off the gas pedal people!

**Let it be known that when these accidents happen they do a toxicology report.  Blood is drawn and sent into labs where toxicologists test it.  These tests actually take 6-8 weeks to be sent back.  The toxicologists can actually pinpoint if he was actually "high" on Meth or not at the time of the accident.  There are active substances found in the blood and they can pinpoint his usage within hours.  It does stay in your system for 1-3 days after your last usage in a urine test but a blood test is more accurate.  


Why is this not made clear to people?  If you read the comments from yesterday's article here, you will read that a lot of people truly believe he wasn't even high.  This infuriates me to the core!  People are commenting that the appeal was approved because he wasn't high.  I can no longer comment on said article apparently there is a limit that I reached.  

He hit us on 12/24/2011.  His warrant for his arrest wasn't until 3/20/2012.  Why did it take so long to arrest him you ask?  Because the toxicology report takes a freaking long time and then they had to build a case against him.  We assumed he was drunk for nearly 3 months.  We didn't get ANY answers for 3 long horrible months!!!  Just imagine.

And remember this little gem: *His Mom called the prosecutor a few days before the sentencing saying that he reminded her she'd given him some Sudafed (Christmas Eve) and that this was all her fault.  So basically he put all of this horrible tragedy on her shoulders.  He thought he'd tell his Mom it was the Sudafed...cause he knows that there is an ingredient in Sudafed that Meth cooks use to make Meth out of.  His Mom believed him too.  

***The state of Utah had tried to rehabilitate him at least 6 times.  It was documented that one of the times he didn't show up for detox he told his probation officer that he wouldn't go because, "he didn't want to be in there with all the drunks and heroine addicts".  Many many failed urine tests where before taking them he said he was clean and upon failing them he would admit his use.

Here's my problem 6 times!  Yes, people make mistakes.  People deserve 2nd chances... but do they deserve 7 chances?  How about 27 chances?  After all the chances he's been given he still continues to get out and act like a criminal.  

****He had no insurance!  He had no insurance and it was never held against him.  To the courts and the law this wasn't a big enough deal to prosecute him for.  But it was a big deal to us.  Did you know that I used to have really great credit?  Now, I can't even look at it because I get so upset.  This effects us significantly.  I still owe people money.  I've lost count to how many times I've been sent to collections.  I need a knee replacement.  We need therapy, a lot of therapy.  But we can't afford it and we'd have to take time off of work to get it.  Ryan still needs physical therapy but we can't afford it, and he can't take time off of work to get it even if we could.  It's a hopeless feeling that we fight daily.

*****And lastly why is it that he be punished equally for being impaired on an illegal substance vs a legal substance?  Why is it that killing somebody while impaired is only a 3rd degree felony?   It may be too late for us.  But I'm passionate about making a change.

In about 60-90 days there will be a hearing.  I'm asking all of you for support.  I'm asking for bodies to be present.  I'm asking for signage, social media, and vocal support.  Please let's share ideas on how we can make an impact and just maybe get this law changed for all of us.  Please share!

clarification part 1

Thomas Randall Ainsworth appealed his conviction and it was approved.  He pled guilty but reserved his right to appeal.

If you want to read the opinion of the appeal click here.

I spoke with our prosecutor this morning and she explained to me what I am going to attempt to explain to all of you now.  Please forgive me if I use incorrect terms etc, I promise to do my best.

Thomas Randall Ainsworth was found guilty of 3 2nd degree felonies for impaired driving causing serious bodily injury &/or death.  His sentence was 3-45 years spent consecutively.  (Consecutive sentences are served one after the other.  Concurrently is the other option which means he could serve all three at the same time.)

His attorneys argued it unconstitutional because if somebody driving under the influence of let's say alcohol causes serious bodily injury or death would only get 3rd degree felony(ies).  Automobile homicide is actually a 3rd degree felony.  I think a lot of people were confused as to why he wasn't charged with automobile homicide in the first place and it's actually a lesser charge.

The Appeals Court approved his appeal.  

So now what?

So now the appeal is being appealed.  Now we wait to see if the Utah Supreme Court will accept the appeal or not.  From what I understand we will know in 60 days and if they accept it then we wait an additional 30 days and more hearings will take place.

If they don't accept it then there will be another sentencing since all 3 of his 2nd degree felonies will be reduced to 3rd degree felonies.  His sentence will be reduced from 3-45 years per felony to 0-15 years per felony and the good news is that the will stay consecutive (they tried to get it changed to concurrent during the appeal process and didn't win that battle).  

It's important to take note that his sentence was consecutive and not concurrent.  This is determined during sentencing, which is the only time the judge can take his criminal past into consideration.  

If/when there is another sentencing then Ryan and I will be allowed to speak.  We would love all the support, people there, signs, etc to be present that day.  


Vacation fr0m our pr0bl3ms

My babies turned 20 months old 2 days ago 6 days ago.  I hate it.  I've willed it to stop.  But nature always wins.  I tell Finn I'm going to call his Dr and get that pill to put in his Doritos without him knowing.  It will keep him from growing and he will stay in 1st grade forever.  "No Mom, no!  I need to keep growing up".  I say, "Finn just think how good you'll be at 1st grade.  You will be a 1st grade all-star...a professional 1st grader".  "You're lying Mom".  Poor kid, both his parents are the youngest and so we tease and tease him.  He's paying for what our older siblings did to us and it's just not fair...but it will make him stronger ha.  

Right now you guys I'm sitting in front of a large window overlooking a river on a brown leather chair.  I'm not even lying.  I think my OCD is in full affect though + the girls are napping + Ryan and Finn are fishing.  I don't have Jack Nicholson via As Good As It Gets OCD, I have A.D.D. mixed with obsessive, perfectionist, party person behavior.  Is there a name for this?  Is every one like this?  Sometimes I wonder if Ryan thinks I need to be on medication for this.  But honestly, I am on a vacation from my problems.  I'm relearning how to relax...cause I can't anymore, it's lost somewhere and I'm bound to find it right?  Writing is relaxing and therapeutic to me.  I'm in my happy place.

My girls are talking.  Sometimes they speak so clearly but then I never hear them say it again and it feels like I imagined it all (scary).  

Holland.  She's our fastest/earliest walker (13 months).  She could live on my lap.  She literally runs up to me (on her two 6" little legs) with her arms open wide wanting hugs.  She's the most cuddly of the bunch.  Momma's girl.big.time.  She loves balls.  Always has one.  Always wants you to throw it.  She's pretty amazing at throwing it aim wise.  She's farther ahead physically than her sisters.  She still will give me kisses sometimes.  She used to be the heaviest and now is the smallest.  She's a shorty bless her heart.  I'm praying she gets to be at least 5'2 (my height), I think it's unfair and cruel to not be as tall as your Mom.  Yes, my Mom is taller than me.  She looks like a 6 month old that runs.  She has dainty everything and a button nose.  She's a heavy mouth breather like Colum and she has his lips.  She's the one who wants to run straight into the river.  I pray she doesn't become a professional skydiver...I pray none of them do, I'd definitely need some prescriptions then.

Wren.  Wren is quite simply an old soul.  I hate to admit it but she may be a Daddy's girl.  She usually just lets Holland and Dale fight over me, while she quietly plays or gets into something she's not supposed to.  She's smart.  She's motherly.  She has a unique language that's a little mumbly and very fast.  She frequently says "huh" and "yeah", like she's 45 years old.  I think that her and Dale have 'Pack' bodies.  They have skinny legs and arms and I adore it and hoped for it.  They resemble Finn a lot to me...like they are gonna get freckles and I'm beyond thrilled.  Their eyelashes you guys!  All 3 have thick dark lashes, luckies!  But I think they inherited 'the wide'.  'The wide' aka 'The Jacob Wide' is big block feet and really high insteps.  Jacob is my maiden name and Ryan named the condition himself.  Colum had the wide also, I'm thinking Finn got lucky.  It's a very strong gene.  Shoe stretchers are gonna be their best friends as they are mine also.  

Dale.  She's an optimist.  She says the most words.  She's finally walking about a week after Wren started.  She's the heaviest and a frequent pooper.  She's basically a poopin' machine...I guess they all are but her machine is like a well oiled machine.  She constantly says "it's okay" to her sisters if they get hurt or are crying.  She's been saying "K" after anything you say to her and it kills me.  She's not a snuggle bunny but more territorial.  Holland and her literally battle for my lap like it's a small island.  She gives the biggest smiles and I love her positivity.  Oh and when she dances it lights me up inside.  She usually dances sitting down and just shakes her body with her arms pressed tightly to her body.  It's everything.  They are my everything.

Finn.  He's obsessed with baseball.  He watches baseball games on tv now.  He loves people.  It's tough watching him learn some hard lessons about feeling left out or not being the best at everything, but I remind myself it will just make him stronger.  He's very VERY very chatty.  He starts chatting the minute he wakes up until the moment he goes to bed.  I'm not sure if he does this in school or not, but one of my clients told me that I would have heard from the teacher by now if he was.  No news is good news I guess.  We are going out of town just us and the kids and are seriously contemplating ear plugs. He just wants to be good, he IS good.  He likes having long hair, and never wants to cut it.  He's got great style and I'm proud.  He adores and dotes on those babies so much.  They all love him and smile and laugh constantly with them.  He's starting to mention more often how much he misses Colum and how great it would be to have a little brother to play outside with.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks both our hearts.

I'm starting to be more okay with Colum not being here.  Quite simply because I would've never had my daughters.  People have pointed that out to me before and I begrudgingly accepted it but I can see the big picture more clearly now.  I get angry about what happened to us when my body hurts, when a surgeon tells me I'm most likely gonna need a knee replacement or when any medical bill comes in the mail from different Dr's.  Nothing against the Dr's, they worked really hard and deserve to get paid.  I just want it all to go away and it's always there.  When we bought our new house I couldn't be on the loan because low and behold there was a $200k lean against me from the hospital that I was completely clueless about.  I let it escape my mind for the most part because everytime I think about it I get this angry feeling I'm talking about.  But it's being taken care of.  It needs to disappear.  Something's wrong with my thyroid again.  I'm not overeating and I look and feel like a sausage.  Had my blood drawn and one the tests came back and somethings wrong.  I've been so stressed about so many things...Maybe the magic from the river will cure me!  Praying for magic for myself and all of you!!!

I can't imagine my life just the way it is though, I have it pretty good.

P.S. I forgot my mouse so no pictures.

P.P.S. I decided against emojis on the blog.  What if I get sick of them and they are stuck here forever?  You will have to decipher for yourselves if I'm joking or not.  When in doubt I probably am though.  I'm hoping to write a lot this week, I'm so happy right now, I get to hang out with my very own family<--cheesy but true!


Out of Order

When I tell people that I have 1 year old triplets at work every single person about falls off the chair.  A big part of me gets a kick out of it.  But I don't tell them the other part of me, I don't usually get into that part, I try not to.  

It's funny because it's part of my introduction sometimes.  Like that's the big thing about me is that I have triplets.  But it's not.  It's just a small part, it's my happy ending.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.  But, honestly all I really want to do is laugh and have fun.  

But the loss of Colum is always underneath every other emotion I'm experiencing at all times.  
I'm literally exhausted from it.  

Every single day I'm still struggling.  

But guess what? it's normal. This is what the grieving people mean by getting used to their "new-normal".  I't always there, it's not just getting used to him being gone.  

Recently, a very close family member wrote us a letter.  In this letter she casually wrote that our tragedy affects us (me) too much (along with some other hurtful stuff).  She lost her Husband and the way she copes is by "keeping busy".  In her defense I know she was trying her hardest to be kind.  At first, I was angry.  Then I was hurt.  Or maybe it was the other way around, or maybe I still am sometimes.

Ummmmmmmmm, does she think we are not BUSY?
  (insert: hands on both sides of my head, jaw dropped, eyes wide, head shaking(this is what people with adrenal fatigue do instead of merely scratching their heads)).  

Note:this letter was a result of some very seriously, ridiculous, horrible, and hurtful bullshit!  And I still love this family member and plan to move forward in the future.  

Note:I am pretty darn sure I have nor have ever been perfect.  I may have foot in mouth disease, or some un-discovered personality disorder (& hopefully when it's discovered I will be the poster child for it.  Kinda like Suzanne Sommers and bio-identical hormones but for crazies instead of hormones), who the hell knows?.  =just know that I love you.

Note:We don't throw little Birthday parties and have huge Colum celebrations.  I'm just not that way.  We are just not that way.  And I guarantee there's a Pinterest for it too!  Grieving mother's angel baby party boards and I think it's fantastic! And, I guess I just expect them to assume and be psychic about how much we are hurting and still miss him and talk about him and fantasize about him still being here every single day still.  

I don't like to compare losses, I don't think it's fair and quite simply judgmental.    It's like comparing apples to treadmills except those apples and treamills have feelings.

Losing a child is out of order.  It's not natural, and it doesn't go away.  You can't fix it or us.  Ryan and I are doing the best we can. And that my friends is all we can do.  In case you're not understanding...WE DON'T WANT IT TO AFFECT US EVEN MORE THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO EFFECT US.  <---notice I used both affects/effects.

I live my life for Colum. 

Colum, is my son.  Colum, momma STILL misses you.  I live my life for you. I love you.

Physically 24/7 We are reminded of the whole thing.  Ya know I always think I'm gonna get on here and write about my possible upcoming surgeries and how I got a cortisol shot 2 weeks ago cause the PA of the new Orthopedic Surgeon my insurance covers completely disagrees with old surgeon with taking the metal out of my legs.  In November you guys I couldn't walk for 3 f*&^ing days!  And how Ryan quietly and suddenly stopped wearing his brace a month ago and I have mixed feelings about it.  Whole 'nother stories...I don't write about the physical stuff, the only thing I really want to write about is Colum, because this is where I feel most comfortable saying his name and admitting how I'm feeling.  RIGHT HERE!  

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GRIEVE OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE ON THE INTERNET.  I have to go play with my tinies now.  Oh I could write a book about them, I promise I will soon.

P.S. Why did Diaper Genie make a mini model without the foot pedal & a hard to open lid?  Oh...I know they made it for people with 7 hands & love to take out the garbage. -Ry accidentally ordered it, bless his heart he felt so bad.  It's half the size we are used to and holds like 5 diapers.  Diaper Genies are really important to us.  

P.P.S.  I need to download the Emoji app for my computer.   This thing is still running like a champ and at 6+ years old.  Thank you Apple.  I love Emojis, I do.  Who's with me?


Confessions and Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself since going back to work.  I've also learned a lot about other people.  I don't know if I was oblivious before (probably) but people seem different.  The entire human race seems different now and my eyes are wide open.  Is it a new super power?  the secret that only Mom's with Angel Babies know perhaps? or my brain and soul actually noticing more since I have been away in the stay at home mom world/grieving world/triplet mom world/grieving triplet mom world/Finn's freckles' world???  But something is different and I like it a lot.  Maybe I've come back to life?

One thing I've learned is that there's people out there that just HATE YOU.  You ask why do you hate me?  Do I need to apologize to you for something I did?  There are no wrong answers, please tell me what did I do?

And they say nothing.  'Oh oh oh nothing, we love you.'  But not 1 hour or 2 days later there it is a big neon sign flashing in your face that yes, indeed these people hate you, your instincts are correct.  There's a full on hate club happening...you knew about the one, you suspected the one but then that hate club converted more and started a 2nd sector or maybe there already was a 2nd sector and they met up to exchange hateful stories to spread in hoping to convert more hate club members.  

Haters gonna Hate

It's funny.  How many times I've trusted people, let them in, showed them around, been the REALEST REAL me and then they hate me.  It makes me question myself, but then I remember that this is not my problem and none of my business.  I'm not gonna feed it.no never feed that monster.  It's their insecurities not mine.  

I remember lying in my hospital bed and thinking the good thing that will come out of all this is that nothing will bother me ever again.  How could anything get to me after this?  Guess what, shoot, things still get to me.  But since I've experienced my worst, I think I have a better perspective on what really matters.  

So I'm writing a list, confessions of sorts, lessons I've learned, things I know for sure.  Just so I don't forget.  And please add your confessions/lessons/things you know-in a comment below!  This list will probably double by the end of the year.

Okay here we go (rubbing palms together):

1) I've learned that I sub-consciously think of things I'm grateful for in my mind all day long.  Whenever, I start to even feel a hint of jealousy, fear, or sadness I immediately do this and it automatically makes me happy.  I think of my family a lot and it makes me happy.  It gets me out of those gray areas my mind likes to go sometimes.

2) I've learned that I need Sundays off.  I need Sundays to do nothing but hang out with my family.  I need that to survive the week.  

3) I've learned (over and over and over again) to follow my instincts.  I'm still learning to trust my gut.STILL!

4) I've officially learned that if your friend's husband/boyfriend hates you.  Like you can feel the hate coming out of his pores, then most likely that friend isn't your real friend.  You neither see nor speak to husband/boyfriend and he hates you.  The only exception is if you know 'why' they hate you.  You ask the wife/girlfriend "hey does your Husband hate me, did I do something wrong?"  and they give you the old, "No, no, not at all he loves you".  She's not your friend cause said friend is talking a lot of shit about you to said husband/boyfriend.  These are not my people-move on.  This has happened to me a few times.

5) Thinking positive, being positive, and looking for the positive turns into a big fat positive!

6) I've learned that every time I see other humans, mostly women, I consciously try to find something beautiful about them whether it be their outfit, their smile, the twinkle in their eyes.  I try to look for the good.

7) Sometimes I'm too much for people.  

8) I feel strong, I think I'm really tough without a doubt.  But I'm also weak and very vulnerable.

9) If somebody lies to me several times after only knowing them a short while, I will never believe anything they say after that.  I don't understand why people lie about dumb shit.

10) The people that know me the best know that I cuss like a freaking sailor.  I'm a cusser you guys and it's not going away.  But cussing makes me feel better.  (They've done studies).

11) I fall in love with people fast!  Once I've loved somebody it's hard to fall out of love, there will always be love in my heart for people even if we no longer speak or they've hurt me in some way.

12) I LOVE TO LAUGH.  If you make me laugh I love you.  I love laughing really really hard.  That's my million dollars.  Laughing is priceless.

13) I am imperfect.

14) When I'm hurt it can come across as anger.  And I cry when I'm mad.  Kinda backwards.

15) For me if a person is beautiful on the outside but not on the inside, I don't look at them as pretty.  I usually don't know how I feel about a person's beauty until I get to know them.  For me you HAVE to be pretty on the inside first and then I'll notice your exterior.

16) I'm not a jealous person.  I used to be when I was young, but I've retrained my brain to not be.

17) I'm an insecure person.  I'm self-concious as hell.  But then half the time I don't care.

18) When I'm 50+ I really wanna rock my gray hair.  I love when I see women rocking their gray!  I think they are strong, brave, real, and beautiful.

19) I don't play mind games.  And I'm not fluent on passive-aggressiveness.  I'm a communicator.  I'm REAL.

I love them!  They are 18 months and 1 day here.

Got them all dressed up and went on a walk yesterday.  Holland, Wren, & Dale in order...Dale will NOT keep her bows in.

I had a rare quiet moment alone with Colum & Del Taco on Sunday.  My girls are now older than their big brother.  It feels like I'm leaving him behind.  It was painful and then add other outside crap on top of that, let's just say I barely made it through this week.

Love this!  


Tomorrow and the next day

I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious why I haven't written a post for so long.  I am officially the busiest person I know.  I mean there's probably busier but I'm up there hanging on a thread right there with 'em.  But I still think it's easier to work btw, (subject to change).

Tomorrow is kinda a hard and sad anniversary/coincidence of sorts.  Tomorrow my Holland, Wren, and Dale will be the exact same age as Colum that Christmas Eve we were hit.  And then the next day as you all probably know will be the day we took him off life support....on Christmas.  I wish I was a planner ahead-er and would have scheduled these next two days off of work, but I didn't.  So my plan B was to get all my crazies out yesterday and today.  

I'm constantly thinking about it.  Every single minute today especially.  Today is the day before anniversary.  The day that I had no idea I wouldn't be wiping my own bum for a while and so on.  The ordinary or semi-ordinary  getting ready for Christmas day...everything I have done today, every time they hold on to my finger, lay their head on my shoulder, point and jabber away at nothing, I'm wondering if he did these things that day before.  

They are passing up their big brother, whose short precious little life ended abruptly and technically twice.  Their mysterious brother whom their mom will be randomly crying for throughout the rest of their lives.  This sibling with the golden hair.  I wish I could stop time for a little while and live right here with them for just a couple of weeks.  They all have pieces of him in them and then at the same time not at all.

I've literally tried to make the crying start so I can get it out but I'm just so busy.  So I had to write it out right now and make my eyes rain instead of trying to get a million things around the house done.  I HATE CRYING IN PUBLIC along with the rest of you.  So if anyone happens to read this between now and Thursday please send good vibes my way so I don't lose my shit at work.

At work I've seen a lot of old clients trickle through and it literally makes me so happy every.single.time.  A lot has changed between us and it's so great to catch up.  I really want to write what it's really like working in cosmetics.  Would that be interesting?  It's pretty interesting to me.  

My babies all have hair now, I was scrolling through old pics the other day and cannot believe how bald they were.  I'm pretty sure I haven't cut Finn's hair since like August and he doesn't want me to cut it.  He's in first grade, loves his teacher, and can basically full on read now!  I'm dying to buy him all the Harry Potter books and read them together!!!!!  I mean they will basically be used at least 3 more times cause I'm convinced they will all get the love for Harry Potter gene from their Mom.  And if they don't I won't be able to deal I will support that decision until they come into their real selves.

Finn and his friend Cameron.  We the parents are hoping they can be ski/snowboard buddies in a few years.  And yes, that's Finn posing and I love it and laugh every time cause he's not really a poser...and I totally support poses.

Holland and I sitting in my brow chair at work.  I'm clocked out hence the coat.

Dale trying to escape and Wren crying at my work...again clocked out.

Us at the park.  For some reason I'm obsessed with this picture.  It shows all their personalities!

A screenshot of Ryan's snapchat.  I love love love them!

I had freckles when I was little & hated them.  Now I just can't seem to get enough.  He's since gotten more since this photo was taken.  Oh and his lashes!  He's the prettiest boy I tell ya.

I rented skiis and thought it'd be a grand idea to take Finn snowboarding.  Ummm bad idea I don't know how to ski let alone teach him to snowboard.  Luckily we had a friend to help a little so I didn't freak out.  (Thanks Brian)  He refused to take a lesson yesterday cause he "didn't want to write about it again in his weekend news at school"...uh, okay.

This is usually what is happening when I leave for work.  This day was 1982 Annie and Pumpkin Bread.

This was just yesterday.  We probably pissed a lot of people off cause we shopped most the store like this.  A lot of "what cute boys" comments.  Funny how people thought my boys were "such pretty girls" whilst dressed like Lightning McQueen and Spiderman.  (We always forget the bows, probably because they just try to eat them and get lost).  Note to self: cut off their mullets...again.