::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

8.26.2014

The snowball effect

I've had a few bad days the past couple of weeks (or maybe a couple handfuls of bad days).  Sometimes I get what I call 'Colum sad' and then everything in my life just kinda snowballs.  

Sometimes, I feel happy.  Really really happy.  I feel guilty.  I ask myself, am I crazy?  I shouldn't feel this happy.  Then I begin arguing with myself about no, of course it's not crazy to be happy, you're crazy to even think that; crazy lady.

The other night Finn was doing these weird jumping tricks on our bed.  It was kinda bugging me and I could tell he was just bored and needed a friend.  My eyes watered because dammit he should have a little 4 year old live-in friend to play with all the time.  I should have a 4 year old pacing the house waiting for his big brother to get home from FIRST GRADE!  I got most of my stretch marks from that 4 year old, yet he's gone.

The babies are getting teeth.  Like their mouths are filling up with these white little squares and it kills me.  The more teeth that they get, the more they look like him.  They have the exact same teeth as him, like exactly exact.  I love it, but man it's hard on the Colum sad days.  

I miss him.  I wonder if sometimes I try to not think about it in order to avoid this stupid snowball effect (if it's affect instead of effect I'm really sorry).  If I even look at an old picture of him it happens.  I can't really talk to any one about it, in fact I'm pretty sure people can smell it coming (even if I've showered) and they stay far far away from me. 

******

I'm having a personal crisis.  You see, I've had a job since I was 10 years old.  I haven't worked in about a year...for the first time since I was 10 (besides right after the accident).  I've looked at part time jobs, and applied at a few.  But the problem is how do I make enough to pay for childcare and ummm, doesn't any one want to work around my schedule, oh and Finn's school schedule?  Best case scenario is I make a profit of $5 after I pay my overhead.  Should I be taking online classes while the babies nap?  Should I become a drug dealer?  Should I stress out and mope around the house cause how in the hell am I gonna pay for freaking triplets?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Ideas?

******

My oldest is now in first grade.  I know I'm plenty old enough to have a child in the first grade, I just don't feel old enough.  A week ago was back to school night and after the quick meeting in the gym both parents and students wandered around to find where their classrooms were.  Finn and I stood there in line as the teacher introduced herself while hands were being shook.  The woman in front of us introduced her dark haired son, some words were exchanged, her son walked off as instructed to find his desk.  The Mom quickly turned to the teacher and explained to her that her son had lost his Father, "it was a couple years ago...uh, he's doing fine most of the time....", I didn't hear the rest.  

I know Finn heard.  I smiled and introduced Finn and I.  Do I hit her with another tragic story?  "Finn has triplet baby sisters, [nervous laughter] so bare with me".  That's all I said.  I could feel Finn hesitate.  I could feel he wanted me to tell his teacher about his brother, but I didn't.  


His teacher doesn't know. 

It's a struggle I have, one that I will always have.  I feel Finn hesitate often when asked how many kids I have.  Sometimes I say it and sometimes I don't.  I don't want it to be who I am, but I don't want to pretend he never existed.  It's a very uncomfortable struggle.  

I don't want Finn to feel uncomfortable like I do.  I'm hoping I did the right thing and he can tell her in his own way.

And as promised here are some pictures.  All of the girls are in Holland, Wren, Dale order except the jumper one.  Can you tell them apart?

This was a couple days ago at our Dr appt.  We were lucky there were large hallways...gotta swing that thing wide.

couple weeks ago at Snowbird.  Exactly 1 year ago they were in my belly at the same place.  I was being pushed around in a wheelchair.

Jumping triplets!









Love this picture of Finn and his cousin Donovan sitting on a hammock while camping.

This was waaaayyyy back on the fourth of July.

Finn, his friend Tyler, and I went hiking.   Tyler took the picture :).
 

 This picture basically explains how my girls are during bath time.  Holland is fearless man!  I call her Brutus cause that girl is a brute!  She pulls her sisters to the ground by their hair and steals toys, she's also got some serious rhythm.  Wren, my bird...she just hates the water.  She is my mini me in a lot of ways.  She says "mom" all the time and very matter the factly, she's sneaky, my best and very enthusiastic eater, and independent.  Dale, my Daisy Jane...whenever you go to pick her up out of her crib or off the ground she immediately rolls the opposite way to make it a little more difficult for you and then cocks her head to the side and smiles.  She clucks her tongue and is still my most patient one.


My first grader!  Everyday I wonder if he even eats anything at lunch.



The day before the girls turned 11 months old at a Beck concert.  That's a stranger touching Holland's foot, and that's her why are you touching my foot face.  A stranger a very rude stranger told me I was a bad Mom for not putting baby ear plugs in their ears and how awful I am to let them inhale all the 2nd hand marijuana smoke (I couldn't even smell any).  I ripped him a new one.  Umm, they don't make baby ear plugs.  We were a mile away from the stage, and it was an outdoor Beck concert with babies everywhere.  I almost beat him up, kinda wish I would have.  If he only knew how hard it was to take triplets and a 6 year old anywhere.



This picture may look insignificant but I'm so glad I remembered to take it.  My first time ever taking all the kids to Costco all.by.myself.  It was sorta genius to leave Wren in the car seat because nobody could tell right off the bat if they were triplets.  Therefore nobody asked me if they were natural and therefore I didn't have to tell a single soul that they were actually robots.  I'm sure all the triplet and quad moms are shaking their heads and thinking I'm a wimp.  I am a wimp okay.




Camping triplets!  Please take notice of Dale in the back, leg propped up, chillin'.  She insists on just chillin', sitting up is too much work sometimes.








7.22.2014

Letting my yellow out

Before I had kids I had a certain idea of what kind of Mom I was going to be.  It was somewhere in between beautifully planned birthday parties and all organic meals.  

Now that I am a Mom; reality has hit and tomorrow is Finn's 6th Birthday and I don't have a babysitter, still haven't boughten him any gifts (besides clothes that are secretly actually school clothes), and I have absolutely no idea on what we are going to do.  As I type, the t.v. is on and he is eating his frozen taquito and drinking his chocolate milk and well for breakfast he may have eaten cheetos...because well it's summer and because I am nowhere near the type of Mom I wanted to be.  I promise though this is the first time I can recall that his most important meal of the day has actually been Cheetos (that I can recall).

Something I know for sure about myself is that I really really suck at planning ahead, I'm HORRIBLE at remembering people's names even after meeting them 3+ times, and for the most part I like to go off how I feel that day (i.e. if I feel like cleaning, then I clean (really frustrated my Mother growing up)).  I never remember people's Birthdays and 90% of the time when I ask somebody their name, I immediately tune out the second they say it.  

Recently my older sister told me about this personality test and so I took it, and then Ryan took it.  We both tested to be this type out of 16 different types.  We are the 'party people'.  It makes a lot of sense to me why we tested to be the same.  It explains why he's my all-time favorite person to go on vacation with, why we always have so much fun together, why we get each other, why when we are at parties we are never near each other... It's also got me thinking, when two party people get together do they make little party people babies??? I guess only time will tell, but honestly I know already that our kids can be a really good time :).  

I also love the color code test.  I've always tested half red and half yellow; so half drill sergeant/responsible and half flakey/life of the party.  

I remember shortly after our accident laughing here and there, but my funny was gone.  I remember the first time I was able to laugh really hard, it was on my bed with a friend but I can't remember at what.  For the most part I honestly cried for 2 straight years.  I cried so much all the time.  I was dead inside, my yellow was gone and I was positive I was never going to get it back.  My yellow didn't want to hang out with the sad, boring lady who cried all the time.  My yellow is selfish and needs to be wild and it needs to be free.  Sometimes my yellow would show up for an hour or two on a rare occasion but mostly it was just tears or trying to hold back tears.

Tears for two long-horrible-years.

Well folks my yellow has now returned.  A part of me thinks it's because I forced myself back into myself and I'm not going to lie, I am really proud of myself.  A part of me thinks it was Finn and because I had the triplets.  A part of me thinks it's because he plead guilty and got the maximum sentence.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could turn it into a pill and prescribe it to all the sad people who can barely peel themselves out of bed in the morning.

People ask me all the time "How in the heck do you do triplets???".  Honestly, it's not that bad.  I just don't go anywhere without Ryan with me.  So I am literally home ALL DAY/EVERY DAY.  By the time the weekend comes around, I get out.  I get out and I'm 100% yellow.  Sometimes I'm a little bit wild and sometimes all I do is laugh.  If somebody is trying to tell me a long, serious, &/or sad story...I'll be honest, I will probably tune them out.  

My yellow flag is flying high.  

So if you see my around and my squinty eyes are basically closed because I am laughing so hard and I even seem a little bit wilder than you imagined.  You have to excuse me because my yellow is back and we have A LOT of catching up to do.  

*In other news Colum turned 4 last month.  Of course I cried.  I will always wonder what my son would look like now, my ears long to hear his voice, and my arms will forever ache to hold him.

*Four weeks ago I got a tummy tuck.  I had a hernia, severe muscle separation, and a whole lotta scar tissue mess going on in there.  I am still healing but am oh so happy that my skin apron (I called them my mudflaps, I had one for each baby) are gone.  I knew if I didn't do it now it would never happen financially because we got an awesome tax return!  I honestly shouldn't have done it because we are barely surviving... But at least we are poor and my mudflaps are gone right?  I did it for myself!  I cried as soon as I woke up from surgery but not from the pain, from sheer joy and I continued to cry for 2 days straight.  Cheers to not having a severe muffin top!!!

*My girls are getting so so big!  They are all crawling and we now have a cage for them.  They entertain each other a lot & are really good babies.  

Sorry no pictures today.  But you can follow me on instagram my username is packx7.  I will post a lot of them next time... I got a birthday party to plan.  

Also, if you take the personality test let me know which one you are!  

xoxo




6.04.2014

disassembled; rearranged


I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that I am running again!  It can be extremely painful sometimes and so far it's only been done on my treadmill.  Some days are less painful than others.  I have a feeling if I take it outside people will pull over and ask me if I am okay.  I did my new record of 6 miles yesterday, but I also took a 10 minute break to listen to the TruGreen guy passionately explain to me details of all the different species of trees we have in our yard while sweat was dripping from my face and two alligator clips were holding back my bangs split right down the middle.

The bad news is we decided not to do the 5k this year.  I am so sad about it too.  I did make a small effort to look for a family.  But I feel like I have so much on my plate right now... like the I don't shower very often type of stuff, that it would make me a little bit crazy.  Besides the funny smell about me though, honestly, I am doing really really good.  I feel like I have a good balance right now.  A very delicate balance and sometimes a strange odor is seeping slowly through the cracks of my walls kind of balance, but a balance at that. 

The triplets are officially on a type of schedule!  (insert applause here).  I believe most triplets come home from the NICU on a schedule because the nurses get them all on one, but it only took us about 7 months :).  I am so in love with them.  WE ARE ALL SO IN LOVE WITH THEM.  The minute Finn wakes up he starts listening for any type of noise coming from their room.  I have a rule that I always drink my coffee before entering their lair.  They always wake up and play and talk in their cribs in the morning. But honestly he just cannot wait to see them.  And oh how they love him right back, I mean honestly I couldn't ask for anything better.  

Their personalities are so distinct.  Although Dale and Wren are very similar, they are sweet and more likely to smile at strangers.  They have squinty eyes and dainty physiques. Wren is silently independent and the smallest.  She kinda scares me because she gives me these looks like she knows, she gets it, like she's 8 months going on 8.  Recently she's been my patient one.  She was the first to army crawl but is now full on crawling!!!  Dale is the middle sized one and the best eater of solids.  She literally pounds impatiently on the table and towards the end of their meal gets bites up to 3x's more than the other two.  For some reason Dale has a lot more hair than Wren which is so strange to me.  Holland is her own woman.  She's demanding, has a temper, she doesn't do last (or second) with anything.  She is constantly tackling her sisters and stealing their toys.  She's crawling all over the place and is now pulling herself up to standing! (<--Wha??!! This is so early for my kids!  I keep trying to tell her to stop)  She constantly has the growl going on that we decided she got from Grandpa Pack, but it strangely stops in front of new people. She's a heavy mouth breather and cries every time you take her out of the bathtub.  Her personality is a lot like Colum and we love it.  She's hilarious.  

So basically Wren and Holland are crawling everywhere and Dale is right behind them.  It's way too many babies crawling!  We took our dining table out of the dining room and moved all the baby toys etc in there and I'm going to buy a gate, but now I'm questioning that it may be too small of a room.  I definitely don't want them having rains over the entire house though, I change my mind constantly.  

We were brave and took them camping last weekend.  Our trailer is small and somehow we were able to set up 3 playpens for them to sleep in, but this caused a slight problem because there was nowhere to sit.  With the help of a lot of our friends taking turns holding babies we managed and had a great time.  The 2nd night Finn was sitting on my lap around the camp fire.  I looked up into the night sky and realized I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the stars.  I told Finn to look up and pointed out to him one of the dippers and explained how one of the stars near it was named Colum Jacob Pack.  I promised him this summer we were going to find it.  I also told him what a falling star was and how if he ever saw one that he should make a wish and it will come true.  He excitedly told me that he knew exactly what he was going to wish for.  "I'm going to wish for Colum to come back alive Mom", he said it slowly in a slight whisper, as if it were a stroke of genius.  I grumbled something about how that's the one thing you can't wish for, if it was I would be out there every single night no matter how long it would take.  I love that he said that.  I love that he misses him still and still talks about him daily.  

We LOVE going to estate sales.  We've gone to them for years especially before the accident.  Always on the hunt for midcentury modern treasures.  Ryan was driving home from work one day and saw a sign and stopped at one.  He bought a never been used Utah Power & Light hat just like his Dad used to wear and a few other things.  He couldn't stop talking about it so we loaded up the kids the next day and went for it was only a couple miles away.  The estate sale women were oohing and awing over the girls.  I was in the next room as Finn guarded over his babies.  I overheard one woman say, "oh I bet you wish one of them were a boy so you could have a little brother don't you?".  I cringed.  Finn quickly responded, "I do have a little brother!  BUT HE DIED", he yelled that last part.  I smiled to myself in the next room.  Finn is a child and he doesn't understand the awkwardness that sometimes follows, nor does awkwardness come when a child says his sibling died.  I also know that he doesn't care that he got 3 sisters and no more brothers.  He loves his sisters SO MUCH.  And they are completely smitten with him.  One of the ladies in charge of the estate sale didn't overhear this conversation between them.  She asked me if I was "open" to stuff and I said yes.  She told me that I have a very strong female presence with me and asked if my Mother had passed.  I said no, only one of my Grandma's that I'd never met.  She said "Oh that's her".  I asked, "there's no little boy presence huh?".  She looked puzzled so I gave her a quick rundown.  She told me that one of the babies was Colum reincarnated.  This is actually the third time I've been told that.  It doesn't make me angry or bring me any relief.  I don't necessarily believe that, but I'm open minded to the idea.  Sometimes when Wren looks at me it's almost like she sees right through me, she just knows.  Dale always bounces when I'm feeding her and looks up at me and smiles with her dimples.  Holland lets out a loud temper tantrum like growl cry and as soon as my eyes meet hers she smiles (but continues to growl cry).  


I don't need to be told. 

He's in all of them.  

I see it every day.



And totally out of order are some pictures.


Finn is done with kindergarten!  Here he is with his BFF Tyler.  I really hope they are in the same class again next year!

All ready for their first swim.  I've been dying to put them in their swimsuits.

Since I usually have to feed Holland first sometimes these two just can't stay awake.  Here are Dale and Wren fast asleep.  It's funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

I mean can you handle it?

Finn walking around the lake while camping.  I love how he moves.  He has me wrapped around his little finger.

A hay ride in October 2011.  That face is the same one Holland makes when she cries.  He died in that coat and ironically that is the jacket they cut off of me that dreadful night.  

We went downtown to a festival.  I always forget that we are going to be quite the spectacle when we take the babies out.  The triplets were the main attraction.  The only thing that bothers me is when people take pictures.  These girls aren't bothered by the grass one bit.

Took every one out to dinner after a long day doing stuff I don't remember.  The babies were tired of being in their car seats and a complete stranger at a restaurant snagged a fussy baby Wren so we could eat.  

My 90 year old Grandma Jacob.  This is where Holland gets her chubby cheeks.

Took everybody to see a steam engine train from the '40's.  This was pretty much our first experience of being a spectacle at a crowded event.  An older gal asked me if "I'd gotten fertilized to get the triplets" lol.  (Ryan didn't know what to do with his hand).

The girls first Easter!  

My first time that I hit the 5 mile mark since the accident.  I cried.  I didn't think this would ever happen again.

Holland's favorite past time.  But she cries and cries because she's too scared to get down.

I love this picture.  Ryan, with Holland on his back wearing his Utah Power & Light hat.

I asked him if he wanted to cut his hair and he said maybe after his Birthday.  I never want to cut it to be honest.  But I also don't want him to look back at pictures of his childhood and say, "Mom why didn't you cut my hair".  

That's Cameron, he is exactly one month older than Colum.  Here he is holding Dale.  They are betrothed to be married!  All of our friends have boys... and I have triplet girls.  I bet they will grow up playing kissing tag when we go on our traditional camping trip ;).

Walked into this yesterday!  Good thing we lowered their cribs already... might have to lower Holland's some more.  And yes their room is pretty much a disaster.





4.09.2014

A day in the life

my ENTIRE pregnancy with the girls i was terrified.  i'd read daily on some of my triplet support groups of women saying they were done and they wanted these babies out.  they'd write about conversations with their dr's scheduling their c-sections and how they'd just lie on the couch and cry because they were just SO DARN uncomfortable.  when everybody was complaining about wanting their babies out...i was silently struggling with thoughts of no, keep them in, keep them in!  i mean who has triplets and how in the hell do you have a life at all after triplets?  the answer is yes, there is life after triplets.

Here is an example of one of our regular days right now.  It's a lot easier now than it was 3 months ago, or even 1 month ago.  Picture juggling one baby after another all day (and night).  They would only take very short cat naps, and eat small amounts at a time.  So it's gotten a lot more manageable but every single day I still cannot believe that I'm a mom of triplets.  I'm doing triplets people!!!


5:30-6:15am Ryan wakes up for work and makes bottles for 3.  We've mastered the art of propping them so it's our only hands-free feeding of the day.  They are still tired yet starving and they usually go back to sleep for an hour or so.

7:15-8:30am I try and make Finn and I breakfast before I get the babies out of their cribs unless some one is crying.  I start to bring the babies out one by one.  I first change their diapers on the changing table in our living room and then set them down on the floor covered in blankets and toys for them to play.  Finn usually wakes up around 7:30/8 and it takes everything he has to not go into their room first thing in the morning to play with them.  I don't let him because once they set eyes on him and he leaves their room they all begin to cry.  When I lie them on the floor I don't put them very close together because they don't like it.  Usually one or both will cry because they tend to kick, scratch, pinch, punch, and lick each other.  But they often roll over close to one another and hold hands and taste each others heads and suck on each others hands it's pretty cute.

9:00-10:00am I make 3 bottles and feed one baby at a time.  I usually feed the one who is whining or who's been crying the longest if they are all crying.  But usually it's just one or two.  I also go off of their personalities.  Holland almost always cries first.  If Wren is crying I grab her first these days so we don't have what we call "a stage 4 Wren fit".  I use glass bottles that are much heavier than plastic so they can't hold their own bottles yet.  I usually do laundry and light housework here.

10:00-11:15am Usually I've finished feeding all 3 and put them down for a nap.  This is rather new over the last few weeks.  They now all sleep for at least an hour!  I usually help Finn with homework, get him dressed for school, do some cardio, and sometimes even shower.  

12:00-2:00pm They sporadically wake up during this time.  I change them, have play time, and make 3 more bottles and feed all 3 again.  If I didn't feed them cereal & veggies in the AM I usually do it around this time.

2:00-5:30pm This part of the day is still pretty unpredictable.  Sometimes they take another nap, sometimes nobody naps, sometimes there's a lot of crying.  I just rotate the babies into different stations, play time, a little Elmo, cuddles etc.  I feed them again between about 4-6pm.  I change them all usually before this feeding and of course throughout the day if I smell anything peculiar.  If Finn is at a friends house I try and go get him before 6.  If it's nice out I load up the girls in their huge red stroller and we walk over and get Finn.

6:00-8:00pm Daddy comes home.  This is always a huge relief!  I go to Barre class if he gets home in time, I go to the store, just relax, or take a shower if it's been a while.  We usually feed the babies between 7:30 and 8pm.  We try to get Finn to bed by 8pm and so we can watch our grown up shows.  We pile all the babies in our bed during this time.  We take turns eating dinner.  

8:00-10:30pm The girls usually go to sleep somewhere in this time frame.  And this is usually when Ryan jumps in the shower.  Sometimes he takes a baby in with him, I get the next one ready and then we swap.  After the babies are changed and ready for bed we swaddle a baby for each of us and feed them again.  Sometimes they fall asleep and we just put them to bed and sometimes we put them to bed when they are awake.  At least one baby, usually Wren these days has a "stage 4 tantrum".  Or we say "Wren is having a Wren", or "Dale is doing a Dale".  They are just over tired and won't eat so we put them somewhere in a dark quiet place and wait for them to calm down and then attempt to feed them again.  As each baby goes down we do a quiet little happy dance!  I wash all the bottles and fill up 6 with 6oz of water so they are ready for their first 2 AM feedings.


video
This video was taken yesterday at my parents  house.  It's Holland laughing...she laughs at everything.  I think it's safe to say she's gonna be a pretty good time.

Note: I have a Mother's Helper that comes 5-6 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  I usually am so busy when she comes, trying to accomplish as much as possible.  I shower, go to barre (my therapy), run errands, go to the grocery school, help out with carpooling, etc.  It's just too hard to do the little things when you haul around 3 babies, it exhausts me just thinking about it.  It's so good for my sanity, a huge shout out to the family member who helps us pay for her!!!  


Yesterday I was feeling rather brave.  I've been wanting to take the kids and go bring Colum some Easter Love.  I hate living so far away from him!  We've taken the girls to the cemetery before but just left them in the car because it was too cold and there was a ton of snow.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day and this is the best picture we got.


This was taken yesterday also.  We used my Mom's shadow to cover their faces so we could get a photo.  Love them!  Holland, Wren, and Dale in order.

My 3 Spring chickens!

I was able to go to the zoo with Finn's kindergarten class.  I was so excited I couldn't sleep.  Having baby triplets it's hard to be as involved as much as I want to be in his school.  This was so fun, I want to be that Mom who goes on field trips.

This is what our nights look like.  We are currently watching The Walking Dead and the girls think zombies are hillarious.  

A little shot of my living room.  My house looks like a daycare.







3.24.2014

The Labyrinth

On 12.24.2011 I was thrown into a dark cold place.    At first all I could do was just lay there shivering.  I was alone and terrified.  Eventually, I got up because I knew I had to keep going.   I walked down frigid dark tunnels and hit countless dead ends.  I was lost, I couldn't find my way out, it became apparent I was never going to get out.  The darkness was my new normal.  So I decided to just make the best of this unfamiliar place.   I became accustomed to the sadness and the deep despair.  Each tear that I shed made me feel closer to him, being sad was the only thing that would bring him back to me and that is where I sought the most comfort.  On occasion Ryan and I walked hand in hand down dark corridors but eventually I learned that we both needed to get acquainted with this extraordinary somber place on our own.  Colum was gone and all I could do to honor him was get up and brave my way through the shadows.  Very slowly every dark corner, every locked door, and each wrong turn became a little bit more recognizable.  I'm not sure when the exact moment, day, or week that it happened but I somehow realized I had dug my way out.  One day I looked behind me and I saw a small shovel lying next to a pile of dirt and a hole just big enough for me to crawl out of and the sun, the sun was shining.

****

I was suddenly thrown into my own labyrinth of grief that night over 2 years ago.  I've worked REALLY REALLY hard and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer lost.  I still cry on occasion but I am free of my dark cloud.  I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I feel strong again.  I am happy, really truly happy again.  I'm back!  Kelly is back and she has freaking triplets.  

I have mostly unknowingly written my grief and the way I grieve right here on this blog.  On occasion somebody tells me "oh so and so started reading your blog", and I suddenly find myself feeling really self-conscious.  My blog is raw.  My blog is sad.  I put it all out there.  But this blog has saved me so many times.  There have been a few occasions where I've felt judged by how openly I have grieved or by the fact that I was still grieving.  One thing I've learned about grief is that 1) you cannot put a timeline on grieving and 2) everybody grieves differently...EVERYBODY.  


I knew I would be okay, about a year into it I had this epiphany that everything was going to be okay.  But if I'm being completely honest I never knew that I would be able to get to here.  I am in such a good place right now.  It's never going to be completely gone, but I know I've made it through the roughest seas.

My little dollies are now 6 months old!  They are rolling all over the place, and are constantly making us laugh.  Holland, Wren, & Dale


This is them at their 4 month check-up (but they were almost 5 mos).  They are all dressed down to be weighed and to get their shots.  They kinda always hold each others hands it's so cute!  Dale, Wren, Holland

This is us at the grocery store.  It was our first time in the stroller (which doesn't fit through doorways or on sidewalks).  I was relieved that it could fit down the aisles.  We don't get out too often because there's usually at least one baby sleeping.  They are not all on the same schedule quite yet, more like all on their own schedules but we are getting closer I can feel it.

My oldest friend and I decided to go skiing for the first time since the 90's last month.  I didn't know if I'd be able to.  As long as I stick to the really easy stuff I'm okay.  

So Ryan and I got a sitter and went night skiing a week later.  We were so happy he could ski with his drop foot!

See that little snowboarder in the green pants?  Thats my Finn!  He wants to snowboard and I'm not even kidding I totally cried when Ry and I were able to go and spy on him during his lesson.  He's catching on really good.


I promise to write again soon.  Oh and I've also decided I really truly am going to write a book.  More details on everything later.  xoxo



1.24.2014

Ghosts

Holland, Wren, and Dale.  It takes us an hour or more to pack everybody up and load them all into the car.  There is always at least one baby crying the entire way to our destination.  Oh my gosh, I'm so in love with them it hurts!
Do you believe in ghosts?  Or spiritual beings of any kind?  Have you ever had any personal experiences?  I don't think I do, but I'm always open to be proven wrong.  Years ago I would occasionally watch those ghost hunter shows where the so called experts would take their high-tech ghost buster equipment to haunted places and play creepy recordings of ghosts talking and sudden temperature drops etc, and it would prove that these places were indeed haunted.  ...always a little skeptical.

I've never seen a ghost or heard one before.  But I will say that sometimes out of nowhere there will be a heavy static over the baby monitors and I sometimes wonder if it's Colum kissing his sisters while they sleep, or even just passing through.  I'm sure there's also a scientific reason as to why the static happens out of nowhere... but I'm trying to use my imagination here.  Either way, it always makes me smile.  I talk to him... I'm always talking to him.  I don't necessarily feel feel him.  I try to, I want to feel anything.  Maybe I do and it's just not as profound as I want it to be.  Maybe I lack the imagination or the spiritual sensitivity.  Maybe?  I'm not religious, but I am a very spiritual person.  It took me several years to come to the realization that there's a difference between the two, at least for me.


I know he is always with me though, if that makes sense.  A chunk of my heart is floating around somewhere whether it be in ghost form, energy, a heavenly toddler, a cluster of atoms?  I still miss my little boy!

Now, lets get back to the living shall we.  My beautiful daughters are wonderful.  They are super happy and they just give so much love.  And, they ALL have beautiful thick dark eyelashes!!!  I'm soooo proud!, dreams really do come true people.  Holland is sick with an awful cold right now and it's heartbreaking.  I'm pretty sure her eyes are going to be brown, but they look very green too.  Dale and Wren are going to for sure have blue or green eyes.  I've been trying to dress them all the same a lot more often.  Because, it's not everyday you have a freaking set of all girl triplets.  

I've never shared on here just how crazy I can get after I have babies.  I was worried it was going to happen again.  I don't get Post-partum depression, I get Post-partum OCD & anxiety (after both boys).  After I had Colum I was by far the craziest I've ever felt.  I couldn't sleep at night because I would obsess about burp cloths and messes.  I couldn't leave the house because of all the messes I would come home to or the ones I would get behind on.  People don't talk about Post-partum OCD, mostly just the depression.  I had NO IDEA there was such a thing.  I think it's a lot more common than most people think.

I'm happy to say that I didn't go mental this time!  I'm doing really great.  In fact I think I'm doing better mentally with triplets than I did when I just had one at a time.  Way to go out with a bang huh?  I'm in a really good place.  I think we all are doing pretty good.  Since we've moved I've been going to a different barre studio the past few weeks.  It's great to have some much needed 'me' time plus Dr Phil says you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  I just started watching him, a few episodes now.  Makes my problems seem very minimal.  I think he might be a genius.



Holland and Wren.  Love the jammies they're wearing!  They were gifted to us by some of you guys xoxo!

We celebrated Ryan's Birthday last week.  Ry and I went to lunch then went back and grabbed Finn and went rock climbing.  

my boys <3

His little butt in his harness just kills me!

pre-rock climbing photo.  (I'm trying to be in some pictures with my kids, even though I don't love it)

Grandma Pack holding the trips!  Wren, Dale, and Holland (out of order)

I've decided if at least one of them is looking at the camera it's a success!  



Finn and I went to lunch and saw the movie Frozen.  He thinks Elsa is definitely cuter than Anna.  The boy prefers blondes.

And he eats sushi with jalapenos in it...even with chopsticks.  Pretty sure he has no clue he's eating raw fish.

Holland, Wren, and Dale...I can barely handle it.