::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

10.13.2014

Our Wedding Story


Ryan and I had dated for exactly 2 years when we got married.  We met when I was 18 (I always have to take a slow deep breath now when I think how young that is) and he was 21. 

When we met I had just moved back from Denver (a short 9 month run but a totally different story), I was trying to get a job and was headed back to college.  He worked for Hall Excavating, and was friends with a friend's older brother.  Neither of us were looking to be in any kind of a relationship, I know this to be true about myself because it was honestly my first time ever feeling okay with being alone.  I mean holy cow looking back I was just a baby...

We are both the youngest in our families.  I come from a large family, 7 kids but that is an average size where I grew up especially for my generation.  Ryan is the youngest of 3.  I have 3 older sisters whom I had the pleasure of watching stress, pick out that, choose this, and stress some more about planning their weddings.  I watched my Mom with one elbow on the table, pressing her hand to her forehead breathing out the longest and loudest sighs and whispering things like, "I just hope people even come."  "What are we gonna do with all that ice cream if nobody comes?"  "What if we run out of chocolate syrup?"  

The receptions were always held in a church. The basketball hoops were raised as high as they could go and the white basketball court lines (Idk what they are called) were painted perfectly on the burgandy carpet or sometimes basketball court wood floor.  That's how most people did it when I was a kid.  

I knew at a very young age that I wasn't gonna do this.  I was not going to plan and stress and care about anything when I got married.  I didn't care who came.  I really didn't.  I don't remember ever fantasizing about my dream wedding as a child.  

We paid my Dad back for the flight and hotel accommodations to Hawaii that he put on his credit card.  I went with another friend or two and tried on wedding dresses at ONE store ONCE!  There was no way I could afford any of them.  I went to some fabric store and bought white fabric and swiss dot lace for my wedding dress.  I hired out a seamstress whom I hadn't gotten any recommendations for or even saw any of her work.  My copy of 'Emma' (the Gwyneth Paltrow one) on video tape was paused in the exact right spot so I could show her the dress I wanted her to make.  Really really bad idea for so many reasons.  I think we can all guess how my dress turned out.  It was nothing like how I wanted it, pretty ill-fitting and it looked really home-made.  

I wore it anyway.  I didn't really care.

Our parents insisted on coming, so we let them.  Our whole families were invited, they'd just have to fly there, ya know using their own money.  Nobody came, I'm sure most if not all didn't have the money.  

We went to the place where you get your marriage license straight from the airport, I believe it costed $25.00, then checked into our hotel "The Princess Kailhuana" or something like that.  It took us both the entire week to finally pronounce the name of our hotel right.  

As soon as we got checked in I immediately had to go across the street to get my hair done (I doubt I made an appointment beforehand), while Ryan went with a friend who lived there to get flowers.  I hadn't washed my hair in days.  I worked graveyards at a very, extremely stressful job and had been awake for at least 2 days.  I assumed they'd wash it and then style it, I didn't even think to ask.  So my hair is really greasy in my wedding photos, my bangs are especially bad.  

Who knew Hawaii had traffic?  Ryan got caught in major traffic whilst getting the flowers.  We were supposed to get married at sunset, but Ryan didn't get back until well after dark.  There I stood; home-made wedding dress draping my I wish I would've lost 10 more lbs body, my greasy hair done up all nice as it grew darker and darker outside. The Bishop that we had planned to marry us couldn't come anymore.  Bishops marry everybody where I'm from, I mean I'd only seen different in the movies.  I'm sure I was holding back tears and keeping a panic attack at close bay.  I mean who was gonna marry us?  How do people just get married?  I remember my Mom saying, "Do you want me to run downstairs to the pool and yell, "Is there a Doctor in the house?"".  I mean I still wonder to this day what made her happier, having her youngest and last child married and out of the house or the ease of this crazy daughter's wedding. We didn't know what to do.  We didn't want to wait til tomorrow and waste a whole night in Hawaii staying in our parent's hotel rooms no thank you.  Who cares about the actual wedding part lets ditch the parents and get this Hawaiian vacation started, ya know?

The friend that drove Ryan to get flowers is from Japan and was a lot more cultured and worldly than us.  "Why don't you just look it up in the yellow pages?".  "Nuh-uh, you can look up people to marry you in the yellow pages?".  Turns out our well-cultured friend was right.  I didn't make the call or see the ad but was later told it was called 'Weddings in a Hurry".  We picked a beach at random, it was very dark outside.  We weren't sure what this Reverend Arnold Abby was gonna be like.  Ryan and I and probably most if not all of our parents had ever seen a Reverend of any kind in real life before.  A sweet blonde/gray haired man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and glasses showed up and Reverend Arnold Abby did a beautiful job.  Turns out he was a runner, we saw him at least 3 times over the course of our honeymoon in cute short running shorts.

With the time change and it being so dang close to midnight we didn't really know what day it was.  For the first 5 years of our marriage we celebrated the 10, 11, and 12 of October.  On our marriage license it says the 11th, but we will always wonder if the Reverend even wore a watch. 

I started my period the next day, so on our entire honeymoon I was on the rag. I came down with a really bad sinus infection.  Also, I learned that birth control gives me extremely bad acne.  Most people it clears them up but not me.  I went to the dermatologist for said acne and whatever creams he gave me made it 1000x's worse.  It looked like I had a skin rotting disease and those words have come out of my Mother's mouth too, that's how bad it was.  I have scars on my face to prove it.  

Every single night of our honeymoon I was up hunched over in extreme pain, throwing up, and crying.  I thought I had ulcers, ya know from my very stressful job.  On night 5 or so I broke down and went to the ER.  They gave me some Pepto-Bismol & maybe drew some blood it cost us like $3k or $5k I can't remember, they told me to see a Dr when I got home and sent me on my way, uh great thanks a lot.

We had closed on our first house, Colum's house a week before we got married.  We thought we would only live there for 2 years ha!. 

We had an open house at my parents planned a few days after we got home.  While out getting things (unplanned things) I had an attack while riding in my car with my Mom  She looked at me and said Kelly this isn't an ulcer.  So back to the ER we went and it turns out it was gallstones and I had my gallbladder removed the day after our open house.  

And I swear I have been falling apart ever since and he still has stuck with me.  A lot of things went wrong, and I didn't know what I was doing.  But in a way I wouldn't change a thing, or maybe just only two of them.  To me it's just a really funny story.  I'm so lucky to be married to a man who I love and is my Best Friend. We aren't perfect but we do pretty good.  I feel very lucky in this part of my life.

I totally still have my home-made wedding dress.  It makes me so happy to have 3 daughters so we can laugh about it someday.  They will know me and know why it is funny.  Maybe if I can hold a straight face I will offer it to them them to wear at their weddings if/when they get engaged.  Or maybe home-made Jane Austin novel era dresses will be in style by then.


This is the only photo I found on our computer of our wedding.  But I need to find one that shows my shoes, I didn't even think of buying shoes you guys!  So I wore these camel colored platforms and they are showing in half the pictures.  Also since this is way back when photos were taken on film it's kinda hard to see how greasy my hair is.  Two words BANG SEPARATION.



10.06.2014

debated question

Back in the day, before I had triplets somehow this same debate would pop up on I'd say a twice a year basis.  


The if you had twins would you dress them alike? question

I think it's fair to guess that mostly women talk about this.  

1)You always have your people who are so so passionate about why it just...disgusts them just...eww...just drives them crazy.

2)Then you have your I don't know-ers, or I just don't care enough to think about it-ers ---> this was my category.   

3)Then you have your absolutely's, your it's like my obsession, or your definite just yes-ers with no explanation-ers.

I totally forgot about this until a few days ago!  And I just want to put it out there that it's okay if you're in the first category, I get it.  But now that I have been a mother to triplets for a little over a year now, here's why I choose to.

It's for the same reason I try really hard to not wear pajama pants to the grocery store.  (leggings/yoga pants don't count as pajama pants fyi) I won't look put together, I will look messy.

To me it feels like they aren't matching when they aren't dressed identical.  When they are dressed the same they match!  It makes me feel like I have it together. Since there are 3 of them, and they all have brown hair when they are not matching it looks messy to me.  I realize most people won't even notice this.  But it just looks a little more nice and neat to me.  And the weirdest part is if you know me well you know I'm more of a non-matcher with everything else.

But when we are home, alone, where no one can see us... we don't match and I personally wear the foulest looking ensembles, the more comfortable the better.

Also, say you bring them to a BBQ where there are gonna be lots of people and amongst those people are salt of the earth saints who love to play with babies, or at least pretend to so a couple of exhausted parents can zone out or interact with the humans outside our house or work for minutes at a time.  Only to come up for air and do a quick headcount every now and then.  When they are matching that headcount goes so much faster.  There's much less work for your brain to remember who was wearing what and look for that color, all while trying to stay tuned into the conversation.  




P.S. I will neither confirm nor deny if I have ever worn pajama pants to the grocery store.  But if I have, the reason I would've stopped is because I would've ran into WAY too many people I know whilst wearing them.  I hear it's a hard habit to break if you're a gambler.

If you see us out and about and they are not matching it's cause we are very tired, and we don't care if we look messy.  Kinda like when one would maybe wear pajama pants to the grocery store.



A brave moment when I took every one to JoAnn Fabric all by myself.


My dollies turned 1 last month.
Finn loves his first sport!  He wears his hat even when he has his pajamas on.  He is such a good kid and I have to say is turning out to be quite funny.  I love hearing his view on things.  He sure can talk though wow!

My Dad pulling them out to the car for me.  Another brave day for me.  I drove to Utah County with  just the girls for my Niece's wedding reception all by myself.  Ry stayed home to take Finn to his first coach pitch game ever.  They are wearing different outfits which was a little hard on me but I tried to stay in the same color palette.


I've been trying here and there for the last couple of weeks to get a good picture of us when I'm wearing make-up & have decent clothes on.  Wow-wee was it difficult.  I sorta love this one though.  I'm kinda blurry, and it's not perfect but it's us being us.  I love this man.  He knows me.
He knows my OCDs, knows my crazies, knows my humor.  He does almost everything I say... almost.  He's one of the best people I've ever known and he's mine.  I always like to say that I know I got lucky with him because I'm not so lucky in a lot of other areas.

Happy 13th Anniversary in 5 days Ry!

8.26.2014

The snowball effect

I've had a few bad days the past couple of weeks (or maybe a couple handfuls of bad days).  Sometimes I get what I call 'Colum sad' and then everything in my life just kinda snowballs.  

Sometimes, I feel happy.  Really really happy.  I feel guilty.  I ask myself, am I crazy?  I shouldn't feel this happy.  Then I begin arguing with myself about no, of course it's not crazy to be happy, you're crazy to even think that; crazy lady.

The other night Finn was doing these weird jumping tricks on our bed.  It was kinda bugging me and I could tell he was just bored and needed a friend.  My eyes watered because dammit he should have a little 4 year old live-in friend to play with all the time.  I should have a 4 year old pacing the house waiting for his big brother to get home from FIRST GRADE!  I got most of my stretch marks from that 4 year old, yet he's gone.

The babies are getting teeth.  Like their mouths are filling up with these white little squares and it kills me.  The more teeth that they get, the more they look like him.  They have the exact same teeth as him, like exactly exact.  I love it, but man it's hard on the Colum sad days.  

I miss him.  I wonder if sometimes I try to not think about it in order to avoid this stupid snowball effect (if it's affect instead of effect I'm really sorry).  If I even look at an old picture of him it happens.  I can't really talk to any one about it, in fact I'm pretty sure people can smell it coming (even if I've showered) and they stay far far away from me. 

******

I'm having a personal crisis.  You see, I've had a job since I was 10 years old.  I haven't worked in about a year...for the first time since I was 10 (besides right after the accident).  I've looked at part time jobs, and applied at a few.  But the problem is how do I make enough to pay for childcare and ummm, doesn't any one want to work around my schedule, oh and Finn's school schedule?  Best case scenario is I make a profit of $5 after I pay my overhead.  Should I be taking online classes while the babies nap?  Should I become a drug dealer?  Should I stress out and mope around the house cause how in the hell am I gonna pay for freaking triplets?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Ideas?

******

My oldest is now in first grade.  I know I'm plenty old enough to have a child in the first grade, I just don't feel old enough.  A week ago was back to school night and after the quick meeting in the gym both parents and students wandered around to find where their classrooms were.  Finn and I stood there in line as the teacher introduced herself while hands were being shook.  The woman in front of us introduced her dark haired son, some words were exchanged, her son walked off as instructed to find his desk.  The Mom quickly turned to the teacher and explained to her that her son had lost his Father, "it was a couple years ago...uh, he's doing fine most of the time....", I didn't hear the rest.  

I know Finn heard.  I smiled and introduced Finn and I.  Do I hit her with another tragic story?  "Finn has triplet baby sisters, [nervous laughter] so bare with me".  That's all I said.  I could feel Finn hesitate.  I could feel he wanted me to tell his teacher about his brother, but I didn't.  


His teacher doesn't know. 

It's a struggle I have, one that I will always have.  I feel Finn hesitate often when asked how many kids I have.  Sometimes I say it and sometimes I don't.  I don't want it to be who I am, but I don't want to pretend he never existed.  It's a very uncomfortable struggle.  

I don't want Finn to feel uncomfortable like I do.  I'm hoping I did the right thing and he can tell her in his own way.

And as promised here are some pictures.  All of the girls are in Holland, Wren, Dale order except the jumper one.  Can you tell them apart?

This was a couple days ago at our Dr appt.  We were lucky there were large hallways...gotta swing that thing wide.

couple weeks ago at Snowbird.  Exactly 1 year ago they were in my belly at the same place.  I was being pushed around in a wheelchair.

Jumping triplets!









Love this picture of Finn and his cousin Donovan sitting on a hammock while camping.

This was waaaayyyy back on the fourth of July.

Finn, his friend Tyler, and I went hiking.   Tyler took the picture :).
 

 This picture basically explains how my girls are during bath time.  Holland is fearless man!  I call her Brutus cause that girl is a brute!  She pulls her sisters to the ground by their hair and steals toys, she's also got some serious rhythm.  Wren, my bird...she just hates the water.  She is my mini me in a lot of ways.  She says "mom" all the time and very matter the factly, she's sneaky, my best and very enthusiastic eater, and independent.  Dale, my Daisy Jane...whenever you go to pick her up out of her crib or off the ground she immediately rolls the opposite way to make it a little more difficult for you and then cocks her head to the side and smiles.  She clucks her tongue and is still my most patient one.


My first grader!  Everyday I wonder if he even eats anything at lunch.



The day before the girls turned 11 months old at a Beck concert.  That's a stranger touching Holland's foot, and that's her why are you touching my foot face.  A stranger a very rude stranger told me I was a bad Mom for not putting baby ear plugs in their ears and how awful I am to let them inhale all the 2nd hand marijuana smoke (I couldn't even smell any).  I ripped him a new one.  Umm, they don't make baby ear plugs.  We were a mile away from the stage, and it was an outdoor Beck concert with babies everywhere.  I almost beat him up, kinda wish I would have.  If he only knew how hard it was to take triplets and a 6 year old anywhere.



This picture may look insignificant but I'm so glad I remembered to take it.  My first time ever taking all the kids to Costco all.by.myself.  It was sorta genius to leave Wren in the car seat because nobody could tell right off the bat if they were triplets.  Therefore nobody asked me if they were natural and therefore I didn't have to tell a single soul that they were actually robots.  I'm sure all the triplet and quad moms are shaking their heads and thinking I'm a wimp.  I am a wimp okay.




Camping triplets!  Please take notice of Dale in the back, leg propped up, chillin'.  She insists on just chillin', sitting up is too much work sometimes.








7.22.2014

Letting my yellow out

Before I had kids I had a certain idea of what kind of Mom I was going to be.  It was somewhere in between beautifully planned birthday parties and all organic meals.  

Now that I am a Mom; reality has hit and tomorrow is Finn's 6th Birthday and I don't have a babysitter, still haven't boughten him any gifts (besides clothes that are secretly actually school clothes), and I have absolutely no idea on what we are going to do.  As I type, the t.v. is on and he is eating his frozen taquito and drinking his chocolate milk and well for breakfast he may have eaten cheetos...because well it's summer and because I am nowhere near the type of Mom I wanted to be.  I promise though this is the first time I can recall that his most important meal of the day has actually been Cheetos (that I can recall).

Something I know for sure about myself is that I really really suck at planning ahead, I'm HORRIBLE at remembering people's names even after meeting them 3+ times, and for the most part I like to go off how I feel that day (i.e. if I feel like cleaning, then I clean (really frustrated my Mother growing up)).  I never remember people's Birthdays and 90% of the time when I ask somebody their name, I immediately tune out the second they say it.  

Recently my older sister told me about this personality test and so I took it, and then Ryan took it.  We both tested to be this type out of 16 different types.  We are the 'party people'.  It makes a lot of sense to me why we tested to be the same.  It explains why he's my all-time favorite person to go on vacation with, why we always have so much fun together, why we get each other, why when we are at parties we are never near each other... It's also got me thinking, when two party people get together do they make little party people babies??? I guess only time will tell, but honestly I know already that our kids can be a really good time :).  

I also love the color code test.  I've always tested half red and half yellow; so half drill sergeant/responsible and half flakey/life of the party.  

I remember shortly after our accident laughing here and there, but my funny was gone.  I remember the first time I was able to laugh really hard, it was on my bed with a friend but I can't remember at what.  For the most part I honestly cried for 2 straight years.  I cried so much all the time.  I was dead inside, my yellow was gone and I was positive I was never going to get it back.  My yellow didn't want to hang out with the sad, boring lady who cried all the time.  My yellow is selfish and needs to be wild and it needs to be free.  Sometimes my yellow would show up for an hour or two on a rare occasion but mostly it was just tears or trying to hold back tears.

Tears for two long-horrible-years.

Well folks my yellow has now returned.  A part of me thinks it's because I forced myself back into myself and I'm not going to lie, I am really proud of myself.  A part of me thinks it was Finn and because I had the triplets.  A part of me thinks it's because he plead guilty and got the maximum sentence.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could turn it into a pill and prescribe it to all the sad people who can barely peel themselves out of bed in the morning.

People ask me all the time "How in the heck do you do triplets???".  Honestly, it's not that bad.  I just don't go anywhere without Ryan with me.  So I am literally home ALL DAY/EVERY DAY.  By the time the weekend comes around, I get out.  I get out and I'm 100% yellow.  Sometimes I'm a little bit wild and sometimes all I do is laugh.  If somebody is trying to tell me a long, serious, &/or sad story...I'll be honest, I will probably tune them out.  

My yellow flag is flying high.  

So if you see my around and my squinty eyes are basically closed because I am laughing so hard and I even seem a little bit wilder than you imagined.  You have to excuse me because my yellow is back and we have A LOT of catching up to do.  

*In other news Colum turned 4 last month.  Of course I cried.  I will always wonder what my son would look like now, my ears long to hear his voice, and my arms will forever ache to hold him.

*Four weeks ago I got a tummy tuck.  I had a hernia, severe muscle separation, and a whole lotta scar tissue mess going on in there.  I am still healing but am oh so happy that my skin apron (I called them my mudflaps, I had one for each baby) are gone.  I knew if I didn't do it now it would never happen financially because we got an awesome tax return!  I honestly shouldn't have done it because we are barely surviving... But at least we are poor and my mudflaps are gone right?  I did it for myself!  I cried as soon as I woke up from surgery but not from the pain, from sheer joy and I continued to cry for 2 days straight.  Cheers to not having a severe muffin top!!!

*My girls are getting so so big!  They are all crawling and we now have a cage for them.  They entertain each other a lot & are really good babies.  

Sorry no pictures today.  But you can follow me on instagram my username is packx7.  I will post a lot of them next time... I got a birthday party to plan.  

Also, if you take the personality test let me know which one you are!  

xoxo




6.04.2014

disassembled; rearranged


I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that I am running again!  It can be extremely painful sometimes and so far it's only been done on my treadmill.  Some days are less painful than others.  I have a feeling if I take it outside people will pull over and ask me if I am okay.  I did my new record of 6 miles yesterday, but I also took a 10 minute break to listen to the TruGreen guy passionately explain to me details of all the different species of trees we have in our yard while sweat was dripping from my face and two alligator clips were holding back my bangs split right down the middle.

The bad news is we decided not to do the 5k this year.  I am so sad about it too.  I did make a small effort to look for a family.  But I feel like I have so much on my plate right now... like the I don't shower very often type of stuff, that it would make me a little bit crazy.  Besides the funny smell about me though, honestly, I am doing really really good.  I feel like I have a good balance right now.  A very delicate balance and sometimes a strange odor is seeping slowly through the cracks of my walls kind of balance, but a balance at that. 

The triplets are officially on a type of schedule!  (insert applause here).  I believe most triplets come home from the NICU on a schedule because the nurses get them all on one, but it only took us about 7 months :).  I am so in love with them.  WE ARE ALL SO IN LOVE WITH THEM.  The minute Finn wakes up he starts listening for any type of noise coming from their room.  I have a rule that I always drink my coffee before entering their lair.  They always wake up and play and talk in their cribs in the morning. But honestly he just cannot wait to see them.  And oh how they love him right back, I mean honestly I couldn't ask for anything better.  

Their personalities are so distinct.  Although Dale and Wren are very similar, they are sweet and more likely to smile at strangers.  They have squinty eyes and dainty physiques. Wren is silently independent and the smallest.  She kinda scares me because she gives me these looks like she knows, she gets it, like she's 8 months going on 8.  Recently she's been my patient one.  She was the first to army crawl but is now full on crawling!!!  Dale is the middle sized one and the best eater of solids.  She literally pounds impatiently on the table and towards the end of their meal gets bites up to 3x's more than the other two.  For some reason Dale has a lot more hair than Wren which is so strange to me.  Holland is her own woman.  She's demanding, has a temper, she doesn't do last (or second) with anything.  She is constantly tackling her sisters and stealing their toys.  She's crawling all over the place and is now pulling herself up to standing! (<--Wha??!! This is so early for my kids!  I keep trying to tell her to stop)  She constantly has the growl going on that we decided she got from Grandpa Pack, but it strangely stops in front of new people. She's a heavy mouth breather and cries every time you take her out of the bathtub.  Her personality is a lot like Colum and we love it.  She's hilarious.  

So basically Wren and Holland are crawling everywhere and Dale is right behind them.  It's way too many babies crawling!  We took our dining table out of the dining room and moved all the baby toys etc in there and I'm going to buy a gate, but now I'm questioning that it may be too small of a room.  I definitely don't want them having rains over the entire house though, I change my mind constantly.  

We were brave and took them camping last weekend.  Our trailer is small and somehow we were able to set up 3 playpens for them to sleep in, but this caused a slight problem because there was nowhere to sit.  With the help of a lot of our friends taking turns holding babies we managed and had a great time.  The 2nd night Finn was sitting on my lap around the camp fire.  I looked up into the night sky and realized I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the stars.  I told Finn to look up and pointed out to him one of the dippers and explained how one of the stars near it was named Colum Jacob Pack.  I promised him this summer we were going to find it.  I also told him what a falling star was and how if he ever saw one that he should make a wish and it will come true.  He excitedly told me that he knew exactly what he was going to wish for.  "I'm going to wish for Colum to come back alive Mom", he said it slowly in a slight whisper, as if it were a stroke of genius.  I grumbled something about how that's the one thing you can't wish for, if it was I would be out there every single night no matter how long it would take.  I love that he said that.  I love that he misses him still and still talks about him daily.  

We LOVE going to estate sales.  We've gone to them for years especially before the accident.  Always on the hunt for midcentury modern treasures.  Ryan was driving home from work one day and saw a sign and stopped at one.  He bought a never been used Utah Power & Light hat just like his Dad used to wear and a few other things.  He couldn't stop talking about it so we loaded up the kids the next day and went for it was only a couple miles away.  The estate sale women were oohing and awing over the girls.  I was in the next room as Finn guarded over his babies.  I overheard one woman say, "oh I bet you wish one of them were a boy so you could have a little brother don't you?".  I cringed.  Finn quickly responded, "I do have a little brother!  BUT HE DIED", he yelled that last part.  I smiled to myself in the next room.  Finn is a child and he doesn't understand the awkwardness that sometimes follows, nor does awkwardness come when a child says his sibling died.  I also know that he doesn't care that he got 3 sisters and no more brothers.  He loves his sisters SO MUCH.  And they are completely smitten with him.  One of the ladies in charge of the estate sale didn't overhear this conversation between them.  She asked me if I was "open" to stuff and I said yes.  She told me that I have a very strong female presence with me and asked if my Mother had passed.  I said no, only one of my Grandma's that I'd never met.  She said "Oh that's her".  I asked, "there's no little boy presence huh?".  She looked puzzled so I gave her a quick rundown.  She told me that one of the babies was Colum reincarnated.  This is actually the third time I've been told that.  It doesn't make me angry or bring me any relief.  I don't necessarily believe that, but I'm open minded to the idea.  Sometimes when Wren looks at me it's almost like she sees right through me, she just knows.  Dale always bounces when I'm feeding her and looks up at me and smiles with her dimples.  Holland lets out a loud temper tantrum like growl cry and as soon as my eyes meet hers she smiles (but continues to growl cry).  


I don't need to be told. 

He's in all of them.  

I see it every day.



And totally out of order are some pictures.


Finn is done with kindergarten!  Here he is with his BFF Tyler.  I really hope they are in the same class again next year!

All ready for their first swim.  I've been dying to put them in their swimsuits.

Since I usually have to feed Holland first sometimes these two just can't stay awake.  Here are Dale and Wren fast asleep.  It's funny and heartbreaking at the same time.

I mean can you handle it?

Finn walking around the lake while camping.  I love how he moves.  He has me wrapped around his little finger.

A hay ride in October 2011.  That face is the same one Holland makes when she cries.  He died in that coat and ironically that is the jacket they cut off of me that dreadful night.  

We went downtown to a festival.  I always forget that we are going to be quite the spectacle when we take the babies out.  The triplets were the main attraction.  The only thing that bothers me is when people take pictures.  These girls aren't bothered by the grass one bit.

Took every one out to dinner after a long day doing stuff I don't remember.  The babies were tired of being in their car seats and a complete stranger at a restaurant snagged a fussy baby Wren so we could eat.  

My 90 year old Grandma Jacob.  This is where Holland gets her chubby cheeks.

Took everybody to see a steam engine train from the '40's.  This was pretty much our first experience of being a spectacle at a crowded event.  An older gal asked me if "I'd gotten fertilized to get the triplets" lol.  (Ryan didn't know what to do with his hand).

The girls first Easter!  

My first time that I hit the 5 mile mark since the accident.  I cried.  I didn't think this would ever happen again.

Holland's favorite past time.  But she cries and cries because she's too scared to get down.

I love this picture.  Ryan, with Holland on his back wearing his Utah Power & Light hat.

I asked him if he wanted to cut his hair and he said maybe after his Birthday.  I never want to cut it to be honest.  But I also don't want him to look back at pictures of his childhood and say, "Mom why didn't you cut my hair".  

That's Cameron, he is exactly one month older than Colum.  Here he is holding Dale.  They are betrothed to be married!  All of our friends have boys... and I have triplet girls.  I bet they will grow up playing kissing tag when we go on our traditional camping trip ;).

Walked into this yesterday!  Good thing we lowered their cribs already... might have to lower Holland's some more.  And yes their room is pretty much a disaster.





4.09.2014

A day in the life

my ENTIRE pregnancy with the girls i was terrified.  i'd read daily on some of my triplet support groups of women saying they were done and they wanted these babies out.  they'd write about conversations with their dr's scheduling their c-sections and how they'd just lie on the couch and cry because they were just SO DARN uncomfortable.  when everybody was complaining about wanting their babies out...i was silently struggling with thoughts of no, keep them in, keep them in!  i mean who has triplets and how in the hell do you have a life at all after triplets?  the answer is yes, there is life after triplets.

Here is an example of one of our regular days right now.  It's a lot easier now than it was 3 months ago, or even 1 month ago.  Picture juggling one baby after another all day (and night).  They would only take very short cat naps, and eat small amounts at a time.  So it's gotten a lot more manageable but every single day I still cannot believe that I'm a mom of triplets.  I'm doing triplets people!!!


5:30-6:15am Ryan wakes up for work and makes bottles for 3.  We've mastered the art of propping them so it's our only hands-free feeding of the day.  They are still tired yet starving and they usually go back to sleep for an hour or so.

7:15-8:30am I try and make Finn and I breakfast before I get the babies out of their cribs unless some one is crying.  I start to bring the babies out one by one.  I first change their diapers on the changing table in our living room and then set them down on the floor covered in blankets and toys for them to play.  Finn usually wakes up around 7:30/8 and it takes everything he has to not go into their room first thing in the morning to play with them.  I don't let him because once they set eyes on him and he leaves their room they all begin to cry.  When I lie them on the floor I don't put them very close together because they don't like it.  Usually one or both will cry because they tend to kick, scratch, pinch, punch, and lick each other.  But they often roll over close to one another and hold hands and taste each others heads and suck on each others hands it's pretty cute.

9:00-10:00am I make 3 bottles and feed one baby at a time.  I usually feed the one who is whining or who's been crying the longest if they are all crying.  But usually it's just one or two.  I also go off of their personalities.  Holland almost always cries first.  If Wren is crying I grab her first these days so we don't have what we call "a stage 4 Wren fit".  I use glass bottles that are much heavier than plastic so they can't hold their own bottles yet.  I usually do laundry and light housework here.

10:00-11:15am Usually I've finished feeding all 3 and put them down for a nap.  This is rather new over the last few weeks.  They now all sleep for at least an hour!  I usually help Finn with homework, get him dressed for school, do some cardio, and sometimes even shower.  

12:00-2:00pm They sporadically wake up during this time.  I change them, have play time, and make 3 more bottles and feed all 3 again.  If I didn't feed them cereal & veggies in the AM I usually do it around this time.

2:00-5:30pm This part of the day is still pretty unpredictable.  Sometimes they take another nap, sometimes nobody naps, sometimes there's a lot of crying.  I just rotate the babies into different stations, play time, a little Elmo, cuddles etc.  I feed them again between about 4-6pm.  I change them all usually before this feeding and of course throughout the day if I smell anything peculiar.  If Finn is at a friends house I try and go get him before 6.  If it's nice out I load up the girls in their huge red stroller and we walk over and get Finn.

6:00-8:00pm Daddy comes home.  This is always a huge relief!  I go to Barre class if he gets home in time, I go to the store, just relax, or take a shower if it's been a while.  We usually feed the babies between 7:30 and 8pm.  We try to get Finn to bed by 8pm and so we can watch our grown up shows.  We pile all the babies in our bed during this time.  We take turns eating dinner.  

8:00-10:30pm The girls usually go to sleep somewhere in this time frame.  And this is usually when Ryan jumps in the shower.  Sometimes he takes a baby in with him, I get the next one ready and then we swap.  After the babies are changed and ready for bed we swaddle a baby for each of us and feed them again.  Sometimes they fall asleep and we just put them to bed and sometimes we put them to bed when they are awake.  At least one baby, usually Wren these days has a "stage 4 tantrum".  Or we say "Wren is having a Wren", or "Dale is doing a Dale".  They are just over tired and won't eat so we put them somewhere in a dark quiet place and wait for them to calm down and then attempt to feed them again.  As each baby goes down we do a quiet little happy dance!  I wash all the bottles and fill up 6 with 6oz of water so they are ready for their first 2 AM feedings.


video
This video was taken yesterday at my parents  house.  It's Holland laughing...she laughs at everything.  I think it's safe to say she's gonna be a pretty good time.

Note: I have a Mother's Helper that comes 5-6 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I don't know what I'd do without her.  I usually am so busy when she comes, trying to accomplish as much as possible.  I shower, go to barre (my therapy), run errands, go to the grocery school, help out with carpooling, etc.  It's just too hard to do the little things when you haul around 3 babies, it exhausts me just thinking about it.  It's so good for my sanity, a huge shout out to the family member who helps us pay for her!!!  


Yesterday I was feeling rather brave.  I've been wanting to take the kids and go bring Colum some Easter Love.  I hate living so far away from him!  We've taken the girls to the cemetery before but just left them in the car because it was too cold and there was a ton of snow.  Yesterday was a gorgeous day and this is the best picture we got.


This was taken yesterday also.  We used my Mom's shadow to cover their faces so we could get a photo.  Love them!  Holland, Wren, and Dale in order.

My 3 Spring chickens!

I was able to go to the zoo with Finn's kindergarten class.  I was so excited I couldn't sleep.  Having baby triplets it's hard to be as involved as much as I want to be in his school.  This was so fun, I want to be that Mom who goes on field trips.

This is what our nights look like.  We are currently watching The Walking Dead and the girls think zombies are hillarious.  

A little shot of my living room.  My house looks like a daycare.







3.24.2014

The Labyrinth

On 12.24.2011 I was thrown into a dark cold place.    At first all I could do was just lay there shivering.  I was alone and terrified.  Eventually, I got up because I knew I had to keep going.   I walked down frigid dark tunnels and hit countless dead ends.  I was lost, I couldn't find my way out, it became apparent I was never going to get out.  The darkness was my new normal.  So I decided to just make the best of this unfamiliar place.   I became accustomed to the sadness and the deep despair.  Each tear that I shed made me feel closer to him, being sad was the only thing that would bring him back to me and that is where I sought the most comfort.  On occasion Ryan and I walked hand in hand down dark corridors but eventually I learned that we both needed to get acquainted with this extraordinary somber place on our own.  Colum was gone and all I could do to honor him was get up and brave my way through the shadows.  Very slowly every dark corner, every locked door, and each wrong turn became a little bit more recognizable.  I'm not sure when the exact moment, day, or week that it happened but I somehow realized I had dug my way out.  One day I looked behind me and I saw a small shovel lying next to a pile of dirt and a hole just big enough for me to crawl out of and the sun, the sun was shining.

****

I was suddenly thrown into my own labyrinth of grief that night over 2 years ago.  I've worked REALLY REALLY hard and I'm proud to say that I'm no longer lost.  I still cry on occasion but I am free of my dark cloud.  I laugh a lot more than I cry.  I feel strong again.  I am happy, really truly happy again.  I'm back!  Kelly is back and she has freaking triplets.  

I have mostly unknowingly written my grief and the way I grieve right here on this blog.  On occasion somebody tells me "oh so and so started reading your blog", and I suddenly find myself feeling really self-conscious.  My blog is raw.  My blog is sad.  I put it all out there.  But this blog has saved me so many times.  There have been a few occasions where I've felt judged by how openly I have grieved or by the fact that I was still grieving.  One thing I've learned about grief is that 1) you cannot put a timeline on grieving and 2) everybody grieves differently...EVERYBODY.  


I knew I would be okay, about a year into it I had this epiphany that everything was going to be okay.  But if I'm being completely honest I never knew that I would be able to get to here.  I am in such a good place right now.  It's never going to be completely gone, but I know I've made it through the roughest seas.

My little dollies are now 6 months old!  They are rolling all over the place, and are constantly making us laugh.  Holland, Wren, & Dale


This is them at their 4 month check-up (but they were almost 5 mos).  They are all dressed down to be weighed and to get their shots.  They kinda always hold each others hands it's so cute!  Dale, Wren, Holland

This is us at the grocery store.  It was our first time in the stroller (which doesn't fit through doorways or on sidewalks).  I was relieved that it could fit down the aisles.  We don't get out too often because there's usually at least one baby sleeping.  They are not all on the same schedule quite yet, more like all on their own schedules but we are getting closer I can feel it.

My oldest friend and I decided to go skiing for the first time since the 90's last month.  I didn't know if I'd be able to.  As long as I stick to the really easy stuff I'm okay.  

So Ryan and I got a sitter and went night skiing a week later.  We were so happy he could ski with his drop foot!

See that little snowboarder in the green pants?  Thats my Finn!  He wants to snowboard and I'm not even kidding I totally cried when Ry and I were able to go and spy on him during his lesson.  He's catching on really good.


I promise to write again soon.  Oh and I've also decided I really truly am going to write a book.  More details on everything later.  xoxo