::pack:: of fixations



life after tragedy. living while grieving. love and triplets.

4.20.2015

Out of Order

When I tell people that I have 1 year old triplets at work every single person about falls off the chair.  A big part of me gets a kick out of it.  But I don't tell them the other part of me, I don't usually get into that part, I try not to.  

It's funny because it's part of my introduction sometimes.  Like that's the big thing about me is that I have triplets.  But it's not.  It's just a small part, it's my happy ending.

I'm extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of stress.  But, honestly all I really want to do is laugh and have fun.  


But the loss of Colum is always underneath every other emotion I'm experiencing at all times.  
I'm literally exhausted from it.  


Every single day I'm still struggling.  

But guess what? it's normal. This is what the grieving people mean by getting used to their "new-normal".  I't always there, it's not just getting used to him being gone.  

Recently, a very close family member wrote us a letter.  In this letter she casually wrote that our tragedy affects us (me) too much (along with some other hurtful stuff).  She lost her Husband and the way she copes is by "keeping busy".  In her defense I know she was trying her hardest to be kind.  At first, I was angry.  Then I was hurt.  Or maybe it was the other way around, or maybe I still am sometimes.

Ummmmmmmmm, does she think we are not BUSY?
  (insert: hands on both sides of my head, jaw dropped, eyes wide, head shaking(this is what people with adrenal fatigue do instead of merely scratching their heads)).  

Note:this letter was a result of some very seriously, ridiculous, horrible, and hurtful bullshit!  And I still love this family member and plan to move forward in the future.  

Note:I am pretty darn sure I have nor have ever been perfect.  I may have foot in mouth disease, or some un-discovered personality disorder (& hopefully when it's discovered I will be the poster child for it.  Kinda like Suzanne Sommers and bio-identical hormones but for crazies instead of hormones), who the hell knows?.  =just know that I love you.

Note:We don't throw little Birthday parties and have huge Colum celebrations.  I'm just not that way.  We are just not that way.  And I guarantee there's a Pinterest for it too!  Grieving mother's angel baby party boards and I think it's fantastic! And, I guess I just expect them to assume and be psychic about how much we are hurting and still miss him and talk about him and fantasize about him still being here every single day still.  

I don't like to compare losses, I don't think it's fair and quite simply judgmental.    It's like comparing apples to treadmills except those apples and treamills have feelings.

Losing a child is out of order.  It's not natural, and it doesn't go away.  You can't fix it or us.  Ryan and I are doing the best we can. And that my friends is all we can do.  In case you're not understanding...WE DON'T WANT IT TO AFFECT US EVEN MORE THAT YOU DON'T WANT IT TO EFFECT US.  <---notice I used both affects/effects.


I live my life for Colum. 

Colum, is my son.  Colum, momma STILL misses you.  I live my life for you. I love you.

Physically 24/7 We are reminded of the whole thing.  Ya know I always think I'm gonna get on here and write about my possible upcoming surgeries and how I got a cortisol shot 2 weeks ago cause the PA of the new Orthopedic Surgeon my insurance covers completely disagrees with old surgeon with taking the metal out of my legs.  In November you guys I couldn't walk for 3 f*&^ing days!  And how Ryan quietly and suddenly stopped wearing his brace a month ago and I have mixed feelings about it.  Whole 'nother stories...I don't write about the physical stuff, the only thing I really want to write about is Colum, because this is where I feel most comfortable saying his name and admitting how I'm feeling.  RIGHT HERE!  

THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GRIEVE OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE ON THE INTERNET.  I have to go play with my tinies now.  Oh I could write a book about them, I promise I will soon.


P.S. Why did Diaper Genie make a mini model without the foot pedal & a hard to open lid?  Oh...I know they made it for people with 7 hands & love to take out the garbage. -Ry accidentally ordered it, bless his heart he felt so bad.  It's half the size we are used to and holds like 5 diapers.  Diaper Genies are really important to us.  

P.P.S.  I need to download the Emoji app for my computer.   This thing is still running like a champ and at 6+ years old.  Thank you Apple.  I love Emojis, I do.  Who's with me?


3.17.2015

Confessions and Lessons

I've learned a lot about myself since going back to work.  I've also learned a lot about other people.  I don't know if I was oblivious before (probably) but people seem different.  The entire human race seems different now and my eyes are wide open.  Is it a new super power?  the secret that only Mom's with Angel Babies know perhaps? or my brain and soul actually noticing more since I have been away in the stay at home mom world/grieving world/triplet mom world/grieving triplet mom world/Finn's freckles' world???  But something is different and I like it a lot.  Maybe I've come back to life?

One thing I've learned is that there's people out there that just HATE YOU.  You ask why do you hate me?  Do I need to apologize to you for something I did?  There are no wrong answers, please tell me what did I do?

And they say nothing.  'Oh oh oh nothing, we love you.'  But not 1 hour or 2 days later there it is a big neon sign flashing in your face that yes, indeed these people hate you, your instincts are correct.  There's a full on hate club happening...you knew about the one, you suspected the one but then that hate club converted more and started a 2nd sector or maybe there already was a 2nd sector and they met up to exchange hateful stories to spread in hoping to convert more hate club members.  


Haters gonna Hate

It's funny.  How many times I've trusted people, let them in, showed them around, been the REALEST REAL me and then they hate me.  It makes me question myself, but then I remember that this is not my problem and none of my business.  I'm not gonna feed it.no never feed that monster.  It's their insecurities not mine.  

I remember lying in my hospital bed and thinking the good thing that will come out of all this is that nothing will bother me ever again.  How could anything get to me after this?  Guess what, shoot, things still get to me.  But since I've experienced my worst, I think I have a better perspective on what really matters.  

So I'm writing a list, confessions of sorts, lessons I've learned, things I know for sure.  Just so I don't forget.  And please add your confessions/lessons/things you know-in a comment below!  This list will probably double by the end of the year.

Okay here we go (rubbing palms together):

1) I've learned that I sub-consciously think of things I'm grateful for in my mind all day long.  Whenever, I start to even feel a hint of jealousy, fear, or sadness I immediately do this and it automatically makes me happy.  I think of my family a lot and it makes me happy.  It gets me out of those gray areas my mind likes to go sometimes.

2) I've learned that I need Sundays off.  I need Sundays to do nothing but hang out with my family.  I need that to survive the week.  

3) I've learned (over and over and over again) to follow my instincts.  I'm still learning to trust my gut.STILL!


4) I've officially learned that if your friend's husband/boyfriend hates you.  Like you can feel the hate coming out of his pores, then most likely that friend isn't your real friend.  You neither see nor speak to husband/boyfriend and he hates you.  The only exception is if you know 'why' they hate you.  You ask the wife/girlfriend "hey does your Husband hate me, did I do something wrong?"  and they give you the old, "No, no, not at all he loves you".  She's not your friend cause said friend is talking a lot of shit about you to said husband/boyfriend.  These are not my people-move on.  This has happened to me a few times.

5) Thinking positive, being positive, and looking for the positive turns into a big fat positive!


6) I've learned that every time I see other humans, mostly women, I consciously try to find something beautiful about them whether it be their outfit, their smile, the twinkle in their eyes.  I try to look for the good.

7) Sometimes I'm too much for people.  

8) I feel strong, I think I'm really tough without a doubt.  But I'm also weak and very vulnerable.

9) If somebody lies to me several times after only knowing them a short while, I will never believe anything they say after that.  I don't understand why people lie about dumb shit.

10) The people that know me the best know that I cuss like a freaking sailor.  I'm a cusser you guys and it's not going away.  But cussing makes me feel better.  (They've done studies).

11) I fall in love with people fast!  Once I've loved somebody it's hard to fall out of love, there will always be love in my heart for people even if we no longer speak or they've hurt me in some way.

12) I LOVE TO LAUGH.  If you make me laugh I love you.  I love laughing really really hard.  That's my million dollars.  Laughing is priceless.

13) I am imperfect.

14) When I'm hurt it can come across as anger.  And I cry when I'm mad.  Kinda backwards.

15) For me if a person is beautiful on the outside but not on the inside, I don't look at them as pretty.  I usually don't know how I feel about a person's beauty until I get to know them.  For me you HAVE to be pretty on the inside first and then I'll notice your exterior.

16) I'm not a jealous person.  I used to be when I was young, but I've retrained my brain to not be.

17) I'm an insecure person.  I'm self-concious as hell.  But then half the time I don't care.

18) When I'm 50+ I really wanna rock my gray hair.  I love when I see women rocking their gray!  I think they are strong, brave, real, and beautiful.

19) I don't play mind games.  And I'm not fluent on passive-aggressiveness.  I'm a communicator.  I'm REAL.




I love them!  They are 18 months and 1 day here.

Got them all dressed up and went on a walk yesterday.  Holland, Wren, & Dale in order...Dale will NOT keep her bows in.

I had a rare quiet moment alone with Colum & Del Taco on Sunday.  My girls are now older than their big brother.  It feels like I'm leaving him behind.  It was painful and then add other outside crap on top of that, let's just say I barely made it through this week.

Love this!  



3.09.2015

Tomorrow and the next day

I'm pretty sure it's pretty obvious why I haven't written a post for so long.  I am officially the busiest person I know.  I mean there's probably busier but I'm up there hanging on a thread right there with 'em.  But I still think it's easier to work btw, (subject to change).

Tomorrow is kinda a hard and sad anniversary/coincidence of sorts.  Tomorrow my Holland, Wren, and Dale will be the exact same age as Colum that Christmas Eve we were hit.  And then the next day as you all probably know will be the day we took him off life support....on Christmas.  I wish I was a planner ahead-er and would have scheduled these next two days off of work, but I didn't.  So my plan B was to get all my crazies out yesterday and today.  

I'm constantly thinking about it.  Every single minute today especially.  Today is the day before anniversary.  The day that I had no idea I wouldn't be wiping my own bum for a while and so on.  The ordinary or semi-ordinary  getting ready for Christmas day...everything I have done today, every time they hold on to my finger, lay their head on my shoulder, point and jabber away at nothing, I'm wondering if he did these things that day before.  

They are passing up their big brother, whose short precious little life ended abruptly and technically twice.  Their mysterious brother whom their mom will be randomly crying for throughout the rest of their lives.  This sibling with the golden hair.  I wish I could stop time for a little while and live right here with them for just a couple of weeks.  They all have pieces of him in them and then at the same time not at all.

I've literally tried to make the crying start so I can get it out but I'm just so busy.  So I had to write it out right now and make my eyes rain instead of trying to get a million things around the house done.  I HATE CRYING IN PUBLIC along with the rest of you.  So if anyone happens to read this between now and Thursday please send good vibes my way so I don't lose my shit at work.

At work I've seen a lot of old clients trickle through and it literally makes me so happy every.single.time.  A lot has changed between us and it's so great to catch up.  I really want to write what it's really like working in cosmetics.  Would that be interesting?  It's pretty interesting to me.  

My babies all have hair now, I was scrolling through old pics the other day and cannot believe how bald they were.  I'm pretty sure I haven't cut Finn's hair since like August and he doesn't want me to cut it.  He's in first grade, loves his teacher, and can basically full on read now!  I'm dying to buy him all the Harry Potter books and read them together!!!!!  I mean they will basically be used at least 3 more times cause I'm convinced they will all get the love for Harry Potter gene from their Mom.  And if they don't I won't be able to deal I will support that decision until they come into their real selves.



Finn and his friend Cameron.  We the parents are hoping they can be ski/snowboard buddies in a few years.  And yes, that's Finn posing and I love it and laugh every time cause he's not really a poser...and I totally support poses.

Holland and I sitting in my brow chair at work.  I'm clocked out hence the coat.

Dale trying to escape and Wren crying at my work...again clocked out.

Us at the park.  For some reason I'm obsessed with this picture.  It shows all their personalities!

A screenshot of Ryan's snapchat.  I love love love them!

I had freckles when I was little & hated them.  Now I just can't seem to get enough.  He's since gotten more since this photo was taken.  Oh and his lashes!  He's the prettiest boy I tell ya.

I rented skiis and thought it'd be a grand idea to take Finn snowboarding.  Ummm bad idea I don't know how to ski let alone teach him to snowboard.  Luckily we had a friend to help a little so I didn't freak out.  (Thanks Brian)  He refused to take a lesson yesterday cause he "didn't want to write about it again in his weekend news at school"...uh, okay.



This is usually what is happening when I leave for work.  This day was 1982 Annie and Pumpkin Bread.

This was just yesterday.  We probably pissed a lot of people off cause we shopped most the store like this.  A lot of "what cute boys" comments.  Funny how people thought my boys were "such pretty girls" whilst dressed like Lightning McQueen and Spiderman.  (We always forget the bows, probably because they just try to eat them and get lost).  Note to self: cut off their mullets...again.
  




12.24.2014

12.24.2014

It's Christmas Eve.  I'm working again and just signed us up for insurance.  I hate that every single time I skim through our important documents to get out everybody's Social Security cards I always come across his death certificate.  

The deadline for me to sign up was tomorrow.  I hate that the time of the accident on the death certificate is off by 2 hours.  I hate that I have his birth certificate (I even got extra copies) and I also have his death certificate.  

I am a mess now.  I hate death certificates.


I miss my blonde baby boy!

On a positive note I love my job!  I'm back in the brow biz.  I'm the counter manager for Anastasia at the City Creek mall downtown (Salt Lake City).  The first few weeks away from my babies were so so hard, but I'm doing it.  And we will even be double covered which hopefully will be as awesome as I hope.  

If you are in town come and see me.  Get your brows done or just drop by to say hi.  To make an appointment call 801-322-4200 ext 1412

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas!

xo

11.20.2014

3

I have started and not finished writing 3, and yes I said 3 blogposts but just never finished them.  If I don't write a blog post and post it in the same day, I start to have 2nd thoughts about it and decide it sorta doesn't even make sense sometimes.

So I am determined to write AND post this post today!

I think it's cause I have triplets.  The number 3 is associated with almost everything in my head these days.  

I should be cleaning and organizing our mudroom and garage, but I decided to do what I wanted to do instead of what I have to do.  I can't decide if I do this too much or not enough, and it's kinda freaky.  I think I don't know what's normal for time management and production anymore and I think it's because I have triplets.  Having triplets and doing it mostly on your own trumps everything.  Ryan works A WHOLE LOT, and I haven't had regular help since May.  I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do miss adult conversations.

****************************** 

I just have to start off by saying I LOVE HAVING DAUGHTERS!  While pregnant with three daughters I overheard several conversations in the waiting room at my MFM appointments.  Other pregnant Moms both expecting boys and going on and on about what a relief it was that they were having boys because their daughters were SO MUCH HARDER (people in Utah have a lot of kids).

I don't really do drama.  But I feel like the people that cause the most drama I know say that, including all The Housewives (cause I sorta know them cause I've watched all the shows---obsessed).  I was super scared about the drama that could start in girl babies as young as 3 months old.  I am not one to get super excited over girl clothes, or girl baby clothes.  I mean I have my moments but I'd say I'm less than your average.

Also during the pregnancy with the girls people would always ask what the sexes of the babies were.  About 98% percent of the time after answering the question we got some very exaggerated sighs, loud whoas, I mean we got a whole lot of I am so scared for you reactions.  These were mostly from people who had daughters of their own which added to our fears (or maybe just mine).

I love them so much!  They watch Annie with me....ANNIE circa 1982!!!  They've been watching it with me since they were 12 months old, yeah I know, advanced right? Annie was my show growing up.  I mean I even had the haircut and the perm which my Mom swears I requested but I will never believe her.  We watch The Little Mermaid.  I sing all the songs to them cause I know every word by heart and they (especially Dale) just thinks I am something remarkable.  They freaking love shoes already.  When I ask them not to do something in our baby talk way they listen.  They are thoughtful, sweet, and considerate and I die everyday.  They live to please.  They are very very good babies and I'm so lucky.  We are really lucky cause we've had 5 pretty easy going babies. 

They play together!  They go in this Barbie tent and just laugh and laugh...we can't figure out what they are laughing at.  Sometimes when only 2 of them wake up from their naps I'll give the third baby another 10 minutes until I wake her up.  When I wake her up and she looks around and doesn't see even one sister they go into a sort of a panic.  They don't cry they just turn their heads from side to side frantically searching for another.  



In other huge news, I think I'm going back to work full time (which is exactly why I should be cleaning the mudroom right now).  I've cried about it.  I've been excited about it.  I am beyond terrified.  I'm not 100% sure I will make a profit after paying my sitter so that's not gonna work for long if I don't.  I will announce when and where once it's written in stone.  ...I'm scared about how we are gonna ever get any laundry done.  


I'm scared I will miss my babies so much that my heart will stop.  I'm scared they won't know I'm their Mom.  I'm really worried about the laundry.  Will I ever workout again?  Am I sane enough to be out in public 5 days a week?


One of our last walks before it snowed.



www.rachelandgroms.com sent us the rompers the girls are wearing and Finn's shirt.  I  LOVE them!  They wash well and I love how the legs are tight and the body part is loose on their rompers.  She's also a local girl and a friend.  You can follow her on instagram at RAGS_TO_RACHES



My attempt at getting a picture of all of us.  Sometimes they take turns sitting on my lap and sometimes they all pile on and it's hilarious.  I love them btw.  Taken in the late morning and I'm wearing my pajamas and no make up, I'm almost always in my pajamas now that it's so cold!....but not for long, I'm gonna be a career mom.) 
Any Mom's that have gone back to work and have encouraging stories or advice your comments are needed welcome!  I'm kind of dying and my mudroom and garage need me.

10.13.2014

Our Wedding Story


Ryan and I had dated for exactly 2 years when we got married.  We met when I was 18 (I always have to take a slow deep breath now when I think how young that is) and he was 21. 

When we met I had just moved back from Denver (a short 9 month run but a totally different story), I was trying to get a job and was headed back to college.  He worked for Hall Excavating, and was friends with a friend's older brother.  Neither of us were looking to be in any kind of a relationship, I know this to be true about myself because it was honestly my first time ever feeling okay with being alone.  I mean holy cow looking back I was just a baby...

We are both the youngest in our families.  I come from a large family, 7 kids but that is an average size where I grew up especially for my generation.  Ryan is the youngest of 3.  I have 3 older sisters whom I had the pleasure of watching stress, pick out that, choose this, and stress some more about planning their weddings.  I watched my Mom with one elbow on the table, pressing her hand to her forehead breathing out the longest and loudest sighs and whispering things like, "I just hope people even come."  "What are we gonna do with all that ice cream if nobody comes?"  "What if we run out of chocolate syrup?"  

The receptions were always held in a church. The basketball hoops were raised as high as they could go and the white basketball court lines (Idk what they are called) were painted perfectly on the burgandy carpet or sometimes basketball court wood floor.  That's how most people did it when I was a kid.  

I knew at a very young age that I wasn't gonna do this.  I was not going to plan and stress and care about anything when I got married.  I didn't care who came.  I really didn't.  I don't remember ever fantasizing about my dream wedding as a child.  

We paid my Dad back for the flight and hotel accommodations to Hawaii that he put on his credit card.  I went with another friend or two and tried on wedding dresses at ONE store ONCE!  There was no way I could afford any of them.  I went to some fabric store and bought white fabric and swiss dot lace for my wedding dress.  I hired out a seamstress whom I hadn't gotten any recommendations for or even saw any of her work.  My copy of 'Emma' (the Gwyneth Paltrow one) on video tape was paused in the exact right spot so I could show her the dress I wanted her to make.  Really really bad idea for so many reasons.  I think we can all guess how my dress turned out.  It was nothing like how I wanted it, pretty ill-fitting and it looked really home-made.  

I wore it anyway.  I didn't really care.

Our parents insisted on coming, so we let them.  Our whole families were invited, they'd just have to fly there, ya know using their own money.  Nobody came, I'm sure most if not all didn't have the money.  

We went to the place where you get your marriage license straight from the airport, I believe it costed $25.00, then checked into our hotel "The Princess Kailhuana" or something like that.  It took us both the entire week to finally pronounce the name of our hotel right.  

As soon as we got checked in I immediately had to go across the street to get my hair done (I doubt I made an appointment beforehand), while Ryan went with a friend who lived there to get flowers.  I hadn't washed my hair in days.  I worked graveyards at a very, extremely stressful job and had been awake for at least 2 days.  I assumed they'd wash it and then style it, I didn't even think to ask.  So my hair is really greasy in my wedding photos, my bangs are especially bad.  

Who knew Hawaii had traffic?  Ryan got caught in major traffic whilst getting the flowers.  We were supposed to get married at sunset, but Ryan didn't get back until well after dark.  There I stood; home-made wedding dress draping my I wish I would've lost 10 more lbs body, my greasy hair done up all nice as it grew darker and darker outside. The Bishop that we had planned to marry us couldn't come anymore.  Bishops marry everybody where I'm from, I mean I'd only seen different in the movies.  I'm sure I was holding back tears and keeping a panic attack at close bay.  I mean who was gonna marry us?  How do people just get married?  I remember my Mom saying, "Do you want me to run downstairs to the pool and yell, "Is there a Doctor in the house?"".  I mean I still wonder to this day what made her happier, having her youngest and last child married and out of the house or the ease of this crazy daughter's wedding. We didn't know what to do.  We didn't want to wait til tomorrow and waste a whole night in Hawaii staying in our parent's hotel rooms no thank you.  Who cares about the actual wedding part lets ditch the parents and get this Hawaiian vacation started, ya know?

The friend that drove Ryan to get flowers is from Japan and was a lot more cultured and worldly than us.  "Why don't you just look it up in the yellow pages?".  "Nuh-uh, you can look up people to marry you in the yellow pages?".  Turns out our well-cultured friend was right.  I didn't make the call or see the ad but was later told it was called 'Weddings in a Hurry".  We picked a beach at random, it was very dark outside.  We weren't sure what this Reverend Arnold Abby was gonna be like.  Ryan and I and probably most if not all of our parents had ever seen a Reverend of any kind in real life before.  A sweet blonde/gray haired man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and glasses showed up and Reverend Arnold Abby did a beautiful job.  Turns out he was a runner, we saw him at least 3 times over the course of our honeymoon in cute short running shorts.

With the time change and it being so dang close to midnight we didn't really know what day it was.  For the first 5 years of our marriage we celebrated the 10, 11, and 12 of October.  On our marriage license it says the 11th, but we will always wonder if the Reverend even wore a watch. 

I started my period the next day, so on our entire honeymoon I was on the rag. I came down with a really bad sinus infection.  Also, I learned that birth control gives me extremely bad acne.  Most people it clears them up but not me.  I went to the dermatologist for said acne and whatever creams he gave me made it 1000x's worse.  It looked like I had a skin rotting disease and those words have come out of my Mother's mouth too, that's how bad it was.  I have scars on my face to prove it.  

Every single night of our honeymoon I was up hunched over in extreme pain, throwing up, and crying.  I thought I had ulcers, ya know from my very stressful job.  On night 5 or so I broke down and went to the ER.  They gave me some Pepto-Bismol & maybe drew some blood it cost us like $3k or $5k I can't remember, they told me to see a Dr when I got home and sent me on my way, uh great thanks a lot.

We had closed on our first house, Colum's house a week before we got married.  We thought we would only live there for 2 years ha!. 

We had an open house at my parents planned a few days after we got home.  While out getting things (unplanned things) I had an attack while riding in my car with my Mom  She looked at me and said Kelly this isn't an ulcer.  So back to the ER we went and it turns out it was gallstones and I had my gallbladder removed the day after our open house.  

And I swear I have been falling apart ever since and he still has stuck with me.  A lot of things went wrong, and I didn't know what I was doing.  But in a way I wouldn't change a thing, or maybe just only two of them.  To me it's just a really funny story.  I'm so lucky to be married to a man who I love and is my Best Friend. We aren't perfect but we do pretty good.  I feel very lucky in this part of my life.

I totally still have my home-made wedding dress.  It makes me so happy to have 3 daughters so we can laugh about it someday.  They will know me and know why it is funny.  Maybe if I can hold a straight face I will offer it to them them to wear at their weddings if/when they get engaged.  Or maybe home-made Jane Austin novel era dresses will be in style by then.


This is the only photo I found on our computer of our wedding.  But I need to find one that shows my shoes, I didn't even think of buying shoes you guys!  So I wore these camel colored platforms and they are showing in half the pictures.  Also since this is way back when photos were taken on film it's kinda hard to see how greasy my hair is.  Two words BANG SEPARATION.



10.06.2014

debated question

Back in the day, before I had triplets somehow this same debate would pop up on I'd say a twice a year basis.  


The if you had twins would you dress them alike? question

I think it's fair to guess that mostly women talk about this.  

1)You always have your people who are so so passionate about why it just...disgusts them just...eww...just drives them crazy.

2)Then you have your I don't know-ers, or I just don't care enough to think about it-ers ---> this was my category.   

3)Then you have your absolutely's, your it's like my obsession, or your definite just yes-ers with no explanation-ers.

I totally forgot about this until a few days ago!  And I just want to put it out there that it's okay if you're in the first category, I get it.  But now that I have been a mother to triplets for a little over a year now, here's why I choose to.

It's for the same reason I try really hard to not wear pajama pants to the grocery store.  (leggings/yoga pants don't count as pajama pants fyi) I won't look put together, I will look messy.

To me it feels like they aren't matching when they aren't dressed identical.  When they are dressed the same they match!  It makes me feel like I have it together. Since there are 3 of them, and they all have brown hair when they are not matching it looks messy to me.  I realize most people won't even notice this.  But it just looks a little more nice and neat to me.  And the weirdest part is if you know me well you know I'm more of a non-matcher with everything else.

But when we are home, alone, where no one can see us... we don't match and I personally wear the foulest looking ensembles, the more comfortable the better.

Also, say you bring them to a BBQ where there are gonna be lots of people and amongst those people are salt of the earth saints who love to play with babies, or at least pretend to so a couple of exhausted parents can zone out or interact with the humans outside our house or work for minutes at a time.  Only to come up for air and do a quick headcount every now and then.  When they are matching that headcount goes so much faster.  There's much less work for your brain to remember who was wearing what and look for that color, all while trying to stay tuned into the conversation.  




P.S. I will neither confirm nor deny if I have ever worn pajama pants to the grocery store.  But if I have, the reason I would've stopped is because I would've ran into WAY too many people I know whilst wearing them.  I hear it's a hard habit to break if you're a gambler.

If you see us out and about and they are not matching it's cause we are very tired, and we don't care if we look messy.  Kinda like when one would maybe wear pajama pants to the grocery store.



A brave moment when I took every one to JoAnn Fabric all by myself.


My dollies turned 1 last month.
Finn loves his first sport!  He wears his hat even when he has his pajamas on.  He is such a good kid and I have to say is turning out to be quite funny.  I love hearing his view on things.  He sure can talk though wow!

My Dad pulling them out to the car for me.  Another brave day for me.  I drove to Utah County with  just the girls for my Niece's wedding reception all by myself.  Ry stayed home to take Finn to his first coach pitch game ever.  They are wearing different outfits which was a little hard on me but I tried to stay in the same color palette.


I've been trying here and there for the last couple of weeks to get a good picture of us when I'm wearing make-up & have decent clothes on.  Wow-wee was it difficult.  I sorta love this one though.  I'm kinda blurry, and it's not perfect but it's us being us.  I love this man.  He knows me.
He knows my OCDs, knows my crazies, knows my humor.  He does almost everything I say... almost.  He's one of the best people I've ever known and he's mine.  I always like to say that I know I got lucky with him because I'm not so lucky in a lot of other areas.

Happy 13th Anniversary in 5 days Ry!

8.26.2014

The snowball effect

I've had a few bad days the past couple of weeks (or maybe a couple handfuls of bad days).  Sometimes I get what I call 'Colum sad' and then everything in my life just kinda snowballs.  

Sometimes, I feel happy.  Really really happy.  I feel guilty.  I ask myself, am I crazy?  I shouldn't feel this happy.  Then I begin arguing with myself about no, of course it's not crazy to be happy, you're crazy to even think that; crazy lady.

The other night Finn was doing these weird jumping tricks on our bed.  It was kinda bugging me and I could tell he was just bored and needed a friend.  My eyes watered because dammit he should have a little 4 year old live-in friend to play with all the time.  I should have a 4 year old pacing the house waiting for his big brother to get home from FIRST GRADE!  I got most of my stretch marks from that 4 year old, yet he's gone.

The babies are getting teeth.  Like their mouths are filling up with these white little squares and it kills me.  The more teeth that they get, the more they look like him.  They have the exact same teeth as him, like exactly exact.  I love it, but man it's hard on the Colum sad days.  

I miss him.  I wonder if sometimes I try to not think about it in order to avoid this stupid snowball effect (if it's affect instead of effect I'm really sorry).  If I even look at an old picture of him it happens.  I can't really talk to any one about it, in fact I'm pretty sure people can smell it coming (even if I've showered) and they stay far far away from me. 

******

I'm having a personal crisis.  You see, I've had a job since I was 10 years old.  I haven't worked in about a year...for the first time since I was 10 (besides right after the accident).  I've looked at part time jobs, and applied at a few.  But the problem is how do I make enough to pay for childcare and ummm, doesn't any one want to work around my schedule, oh and Finn's school schedule?  Best case scenario is I make a profit of $5 after I pay my overhead.  Should I be taking online classes while the babies nap?  Should I become a drug dealer?  Should I stress out and mope around the house cause how in the hell am I gonna pay for freaking triplets?  What do I want to be when I grow up?  Ideas?

******

My oldest is now in first grade.  I know I'm plenty old enough to have a child in the first grade, I just don't feel old enough.  A week ago was back to school night and after the quick meeting in the gym both parents and students wandered around to find where their classrooms were.  Finn and I stood there in line as the teacher introduced herself while hands were being shook.  The woman in front of us introduced her dark haired son, some words were exchanged, her son walked off as instructed to find his desk.  The Mom quickly turned to the teacher and explained to her that her son had lost his Father, "it was a couple years ago...uh, he's doing fine most of the time....", I didn't hear the rest.  

I know Finn heard.  I smiled and introduced Finn and I.  Do I hit her with another tragic story?  "Finn has triplet baby sisters, [nervous laughter] so bare with me".  That's all I said.  I could feel Finn hesitate.  I could feel he wanted me to tell his teacher about his brother, but I didn't.  


His teacher doesn't know. 

It's a struggle I have, one that I will always have.  I feel Finn hesitate often when asked how many kids I have.  Sometimes I say it and sometimes I don't.  I don't want it to be who I am, but I don't want to pretend he never existed.  It's a very uncomfortable struggle.  

I don't want Finn to feel uncomfortable like I do.  I'm hoping I did the right thing and he can tell her in his own way.

And as promised here are some pictures.  All of the girls are in Holland, Wren, Dale order except the jumper one.  Can you tell them apart?

This was a couple days ago at our Dr appt.  We were lucky there were large hallways...gotta swing that thing wide.

couple weeks ago at Snowbird.  Exactly 1 year ago they were in my belly at the same place.  I was being pushed around in a wheelchair.

Jumping triplets!









Love this picture of Finn and his cousin Donovan sitting on a hammock while camping.

This was waaaayyyy back on the fourth of July.

Finn, his friend Tyler, and I went hiking.   Tyler took the picture :).
 

 This picture basically explains how my girls are during bath time.  Holland is fearless man!  I call her Brutus cause that girl is a brute!  She pulls her sisters to the ground by their hair and steals toys, she's also got some serious rhythm.  Wren, my bird...she just hates the water.  She is my mini me in a lot of ways.  She says "mom" all the time and very matter the factly, she's sneaky, my best and very enthusiastic eater, and independent.  Dale, my Daisy Jane...whenever you go to pick her up out of her crib or off the ground she immediately rolls the opposite way to make it a little more difficult for you and then cocks her head to the side and smiles.  She clucks her tongue and is still my most patient one.


My first grader!  Everyday I wonder if he even eats anything at lunch.



The day before the girls turned 11 months old at a Beck concert.  That's a stranger touching Holland's foot, and that's her why are you touching my foot face.  A stranger a very rude stranger told me I was a bad Mom for not putting baby ear plugs in their ears and how awful I am to let them inhale all the 2nd hand marijuana smoke (I couldn't even smell any).  I ripped him a new one.  Umm, they don't make baby ear plugs.  We were a mile away from the stage, and it was an outdoor Beck concert with babies everywhere.  I almost beat him up, kinda wish I would have.  If he only knew how hard it was to take triplets and a 6 year old anywhere.



This picture may look insignificant but I'm so glad I remembered to take it.  My first time ever taking all the kids to Costco all.by.myself.  It was sorta genius to leave Wren in the car seat because nobody could tell right off the bat if they were triplets.  Therefore nobody asked me if they were natural and therefore I didn't have to tell a single soul that they were actually robots.  I'm sure all the triplet and quad moms are shaking their heads and thinking I'm a wimp.  I am a wimp okay.




Camping triplets!  Please take notice of Dale in the back, leg propped up, chillin'.  She insists on just chillin', sitting up is too much work sometimes.








7.22.2014

Letting my yellow out

Before I had kids I had a certain idea of what kind of Mom I was going to be.  It was somewhere in between beautifully planned birthday parties and all organic meals.  

Now that I am a Mom; reality has hit and tomorrow is Finn's 6th Birthday and I don't have a babysitter, still haven't boughten him any gifts (besides clothes that are secretly actually school clothes), and I have absolutely no idea on what we are going to do.  As I type, the t.v. is on and he is eating his frozen taquito and drinking his chocolate milk and well for breakfast he may have eaten cheetos...because well it's summer and because I am nowhere near the type of Mom I wanted to be.  I promise though this is the first time I can recall that his most important meal of the day has actually been Cheetos (that I can recall).

Something I know for sure about myself is that I really really suck at planning ahead, I'm HORRIBLE at remembering people's names even after meeting them 3+ times, and for the most part I like to go off how I feel that day (i.e. if I feel like cleaning, then I clean (really frustrated my Mother growing up)).  I never remember people's Birthdays and 90% of the time when I ask somebody their name, I immediately tune out the second they say it.  

Recently my older sister told me about this personality test and so I took it, and then Ryan took it.  We both tested to be this type out of 16 different types.  We are the 'party people'.  It makes a lot of sense to me why we tested to be the same.  It explains why he's my all-time favorite person to go on vacation with, why we always have so much fun together, why we get each other, why when we are at parties we are never near each other... It's also got me thinking, when two party people get together do they make little party people babies??? I guess only time will tell, but honestly I know already that our kids can be a really good time :).  

I also love the color code test.  I've always tested half red and half yellow; so half drill sergeant/responsible and half flakey/life of the party.  

I remember shortly after our accident laughing here and there, but my funny was gone.  I remember the first time I was able to laugh really hard, it was on my bed with a friend but I can't remember at what.  For the most part I honestly cried for 2 straight years.  I cried so much all the time.  I was dead inside, my yellow was gone and I was positive I was never going to get it back.  My yellow didn't want to hang out with the sad, boring lady who cried all the time.  My yellow is selfish and needs to be wild and it needs to be free.  Sometimes my yellow would show up for an hour or two on a rare occasion but mostly it was just tears or trying to hold back tears.

Tears for two long-horrible-years.

Well folks my yellow has now returned.  A part of me thinks it's because I forced myself back into myself and I'm not going to lie, I am really proud of myself.  A part of me thinks it was Finn and because I had the triplets.  A part of me thinks it's because he plead guilty and got the maximum sentence.  I wish I knew.  I wish I could turn it into a pill and prescribe it to all the sad people who can barely peel themselves out of bed in the morning.

People ask me all the time "How in the heck do you do triplets???".  Honestly, it's not that bad.  I just don't go anywhere without Ryan with me.  So I am literally home ALL DAY/EVERY DAY.  By the time the weekend comes around, I get out.  I get out and I'm 100% yellow.  Sometimes I'm a little bit wild and sometimes all I do is laugh.  If somebody is trying to tell me a long, serious, &/or sad story...I'll be honest, I will probably tune them out.  

My yellow flag is flying high.  

So if you see my around and my squinty eyes are basically closed because I am laughing so hard and I even seem a little bit wilder than you imagined.  You have to excuse me because my yellow is back and we have A LOT of catching up to do.  

*In other news Colum turned 4 last month.  Of course I cried.  I will always wonder what my son would look like now, my ears long to hear his voice, and my arms will forever ache to hold him.

*Four weeks ago I got a tummy tuck.  I had a hernia, severe muscle separation, and a whole lotta scar tissue mess going on in there.  I am still healing but am oh so happy that my skin apron (I called them my mudflaps, I had one for each baby) are gone.  I knew if I didn't do it now it would never happen financially because we got an awesome tax return!  I honestly shouldn't have done it because we are barely surviving... But at least we are poor and my mudflaps are gone right?  I did it for myself!  I cried as soon as I woke up from surgery but not from the pain, from sheer joy and I continued to cry for 2 days straight.  Cheers to not having a severe muffin top!!!

*My girls are getting so so big!  They are all crawling and we now have a cage for them.  They entertain each other a lot & are really good babies.  

Sorry no pictures today.  But you can follow me on instagram my username is packx7.  I will post a lot of them next time... I got a birthday party to plan.  

Also, if you take the personality test let me know which one you are!  

xoxo